Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirteen

Kepa (5.5 CHE) – The first of a staggering four Chelsea players in this week’s cornucopia of excrement. Kepa is probably the unluckiest to be here – after all he did manage to keep the score to a vaguely respectable level. Sadly he also decided to just let Harry Kane score from 25 yards and generally command his defence with the ability of a deaf conductor.

Masuaku (4.4 WHU) – The hapless Congolese defender was hauled off at half time against City… who continue this season to ruin the careers of many they come up against. Sterling & Sane were in sensational form, a blur of pace and movement which most footballers can’t handle – let alone Masuaku, who I’m not sure could handle a luke warm potato.

Luiz (5.6 CHE) – This was one of those straight out of the gutter displays from David Luiz – who has been in good form this season but resembled a man with little idea what sport he was actually playing in the tea-time kick off this Saturday. Spurs gave their best performance of the season – in what in no way coincided with actually putting their four best attackers together on the pitch again. Luiz was pathetic throughout, exposed both positionally and by letting players ghost past him like he was invisible. He will play better than this again. If only because I’m not sure it’s possible to play worse and not play for Southampton.

Hoedt (4.4 SOU) – Ah – here we go. Saints. A team now so brittle mentally they don’t just collapse after going behind… or even by drawing… but by merely the thought of conceding an equaliser. It would be tempted to say that all of the Saints centre backs need to be removed from the firing line and given some life counselling… but none of that would address the real problem… which is that Mark Hughes is somehow still employed by a football club. The Welshman feels like Theresa May right now… calmly sticking to the script whilst everything collapses around her.

“I don’t think there is a huge amount wrong with how we are going about our business” – said a curiously upbeat Hughes post-match.

Apart from everything Mark. Literally… everything.

Boly (4.6 WOL) – A poor collective display from Wolves was summed up by the sight of Willy Bolly just wandering around the pitch without a care in the world and making Philip Billing look like Patrick Viera. Truly awful.

Kovacic (5.8 CHE) – The worst player on the pitch on Saturday, which given the competition amongst his teammates is a bit like saying you’re the most incompetent Tory MP. Kovacic was everywhere against Spurs – the problem was he was playing absolutely bollocks. Whether mistiming tackles, hitting hopeless balls over the top, inexplicably playing it to Morata and hoping for it back… or, in the end, just letting Son run past him because he mistakenly thought David Luiz might try and tackle him. The only way he could have played worse would have been if I’d named him in my Fantasy Football team.

Cavaleiro (5.2 WOL) – 72% passing success, 1 cross, no chances created, no successful dribbles, no touches in the box, lost the ball more than any player in the first half, didn’t come out for the second. Pathetic.

Lingard (6.7 MUN) – Years from now, scholars will look back and ask how did someone become such a pivotal player for our national team, as a forward, whilst averaging a goal involvement every four hours for Manchester United. They won’t be able to answer it. Because there is no answer. Lingard – the attacking midfielder who doesn’t create and rarely scores. I mean he has 10 career assists in the Premier League. Alonso has 7 in 12 games at left back…

Maddison (6.8 LEI) – You absolute fucking wanker.

Lukaku (10.7 MUN) – What is going on with Lukaku? I mean, we know what’s going in Lukaku… given he appears to be twice the size compared to last season. He can’t run, he can’t shoot, and he can’t pass (55% on Saturday? Wtf?) 

He appears to have given up the ghost and is just on a sponsored eat until Jose is finally sacked. 4 goals in almost 900 minutes this season is worse than… well, it’s worse than Morata.

Fuck me.

Morata (8.7 CHE) – Okay this has to end now. I can’t write about this guy anymore. It’s starting to hurt. Watching him is torture. He is as useless as a knitted condom.

Morata is killing Chelsea and killing Hazard… who is on the brink of leaving and certainly will if he has to play with this donkey anymore. Morata is the worst centre forward I’ve ever seen get so many chances at a big club… let alone the fucking national team? How is he still playing for Spain for fucks sake?

Whose kids does this guy have? How is this being allowed to happen?

Please… make the pain go away. Stop picking him. Sell him… to anyone. Fucking pay someone to take him off your hands. In fact fuck that, pay him to retire. I can’t go on like this… it’s no fun. It’s not funny anymore, it’s just horrible.

Make. It. Stop.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twelve

Ederson (5.8 MUN) – I could have put the other keeper from the Manchester derby in here. But after rescuing the club for the best part of 5 years from mid table obscurity, he’s earned a few free passes. Ederson meanwhile, slept-walked his way through most of yesterday’s match and in the end was so bored, he conceded a penalty literally to give himself something to do. 

Chambers (4.2 FUL) – A player that has made Luke Shaw look like a successful signing. Calum Chambers has been batted from pillar to post since signing for Arsenal 4 years ago, for what was then the equivalent of £50m. Neither quick enough to be a right back, or mobile enough to be a centre back – Chambers is instead that slightly awkward player who hasn’t really developed in the way people would have hoped… and is now just going to spend his career playing for increasingly worse clubs before he’s in league 2 in his 30s.

Which will be where Fulham might be if they carry on defending like this.

Shaw (5.0 MUN) – Speak of the Red Devil and he will appear. Luke Shaw completed 2 tackles in the Manchester derby and was genuinely outclassed by the twinkling toes of Mahrez and the Silva’s. There is no shame in that. Shaw is like many currently at Old Trafford who are perfectly good enough to play for this current United side… but don’t deserve to be able to even look at those who played for the club a decade ago. And his hair cut makes Aguero’s Philip Schofield barnet look acceptable. Has he just stepped out of 1995? Look in the mirror lad for fucks sake.

Francis (4.4 BOU) – Now 33 years of age, the Bournemouth skipper has been a loyal stalwart to the club but one wonders at what point he will be moved into more of a bit part role. Eddie Howe has spent a combined £20m on two young full backs in Mings and Rico and barely played either (since Mings returned from injury). Francis is a solid and dependable footballer, but he was average on Tyneside, given a run around from Kennedy for large portions of the match. Howe could do worse than start, at some stage, to begin planning for the future.

Walcott (6.3 EVE) – It’s been 12 hours since Theo Walcott last hit the back of the net. A stat which will come as no surprise to anybody who’s watched him try and play football during that period. For a guy who once thought he was good enough to play through the middle for Arsenal, Walcott looks on borrowed time in this Everton line up. His first touch when he was found running through the middle on Sunday was akin to a crab being asked to catch a balloon.

Play Lookman. Please Marco. You’re not the collective cast of the Wizard of Oz. Show some heart, show some brains and show some courage. And for god’s sake, tell Theo Walcott to fuck off home.

Stephens (4.4 BHA) – A red card challenge that could politely be described as “rash,” effectively ended this game as a contest and it was only a matter of time before Cardiff scored a winner. Hughton can complain about the officials all he wants, but his team deserved to lose the moment their midfield enforcer decided to charge in like Blackadder Goes Forth.

Fred/Fellaini (5.5/4.9 MUN) – Man United bought Fred for £52m this summer and he has so far completed 90 minutes on three occasions, and not even played in half the games. Can anybody explain to me how a club can spend £52m on a midfielder to deem him not good enough to even get on the pitch against their biggest rivals? Instead, the decision was made to play Herrera and Fellaini. Both players who have been with the club for four and five years respectively. Fellaini has a certain set of skills that lends itself to the last ten minutes of a match against a tired defence… but he has no skills whatsoever that lends itself to trying to stop Manchester City dance a merry dance around his inert frame. 

Vardy (9.0 LEI) – No goals in five for Leicester’s talisman, who looks badly out of form and lacking the hunger of his previous campaigns. Has he just lost his edge? Or is age finally starting to take his toll on those energised legs? Vardy will be 32 in January, but Leicester need him to start firing once more to lead from the front. They could do worse than partnering him with Okazaki again and remembering the good old days. One last hurrah lads… over to you.

Aubameyang (10.9 ARS) – This has been a curious season for Aubameyang. Who has looked near useless for the majority of the time, yet has scored 7 goals and sits just one off the Golden Boot summit. The striker has scored just 3 times from his 10 starts, but his numbers have been swollen thanks to 4 goals in two half hour cameos from the bench. Aubameyang looks lost on the left wing – although in fairness he was looking lost at the start of the season in the number 9 role as well.

So here’s the stat of the day. He currently has 28 touches in the box this season. Twenty eight. That’s an average of barely two per match. For the lead striker at Arsenal. 

Want that in some perspective? Sterling has 103 playing the same role. Arnautovic has 76 from less minutes. Willian has 50 from less minutes again. Andy Robertson has more touches. No wait… Matt Doherty has more touches. No… wait… Bellerin has more touches!? 

Emery has a quandary. It’s clear for all to see that Lacazette and Aubameyang don’t work together in his system. The former is in the better form… the latter the better player and the clubs biggest signing. He did, to his credit play them both through the middle in the second half with Arsenal chasing the game. And promptly witnessed the Gabonese miss an absolute sitter.

Who’d be a manager?

Morata (8.7 CHE) – He’s just fucking useless isn’t he? I can’t even be bothered to waste my energy writing about his myriad of failings once more. 

Watching him is like a blind man trying to do a jigsaw puzzle.

Actually I would back the blind man over Morata.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Eleven

Ryan (4.5 BHA) – Zero saves in a 3-1 loss gets you a one way ticket to the Team of the Weak. The Australian stopper has been in fine form of late, but this was an abject display where his main contribution was picking the ball out of the net.

Stephens (4.4 SOU) – The Saints defence were collectively woeful against a rampant City, but Jack Stephens was the stinkiest, shittiest of shits in an all shit sandwich. The Southampton centre back completed… wait for it… zero tackles… zero recoveries… zero interceptions and… you’ve guessed it… zero blocks. He did win two headers… but one of these was in the opposition box.

I don’t care if you’re playing Manchester City. Chesterfield Town or the Brazil 1970 side… if you’re posting those sort of stats you need to be taken out the team and made to train with the under 11s never mind the bloody reserves.

Van Dijk (5.9 LIV) – I had my doubts about Van Dijk – you always keep a closer eye on players with a heavy price tag whether you can help it or not… but my god is he earning his crust at the back. The Dutchman is a towering colossus who has near single handed transformed Liverpool’s back line from open mic at the comedy club to like getting blood from a stone.

What’s he in here for then? Not his defending no – but for a guy who rises like a salmon and gets his head on countless attacking set pieces… he really should score more goals. He could and perhaps should have had a hat trick this Saturday and ultimately that was the difference between Liverpool running out comfortable winners and drawing the game. Van Dijk has 1 goal from his last 51 attempts – which is pathetic numbers for a centre back as talented as he is.

If he wants he to take his status from best out and out defender in the league to evil genius like Sergio Ramos… he needs to find goals to be the icing on his obscenely talented cake.

Lowton & Taylor (4.4/4.7 BUR) – Burnley are in a helpless, hopeless rut. They are given up chances faster than you can say Fulham and lie just outside the relegation zone having conceded 13 goals in 3 games. That goals against column stands at 25 in total and the main source of their problem appears to be their full backs. Tarkowksi and Mee boast an impressive array of stats the envy of any pairing in the bottom half of the table… but this is not the case for messrs Lowton & Taylor. The pair are winning less than two thirds of their tackles, barely 50% of their headers and getting in less blocks than a frozen Tetris game.

They are playing shit.

Hughes (5.0 WAT) – Hughes is passing the eye test and failing spectacularly the end product test right now. The Englishman has a goal involvement of 448 minutes this season – the worst in the entire Watford forward line. And midfield line. And er… most of the defensive line as well. Shape up Hughesy – you’re not managing Southampton.

Son (8.3 TOT) – There’s something delightfully perverse about watching a footballer suffer the indignity of being a sub who is subbed off. This example however, truly outdid itself in the macabre. The South Korean, who in all honesty has been dreadful since freeing himself of military duty, came on in the 7^th minute for the injured Dembele and was then removed from action with Spurs two nil up. This wasn’t the final few minutes though… or even the last ten… Son was dragged in the 58^th minute of the match having played just 51 of them. No wonder he looked pissed off. Especially as Wolves almost drew the game shortly after he left.

Mkhitaryan (6.7 ARS) – A player who is currently just wandering aimlessly around the pitch like a hobo. What is he doing out there? Can we blame Alexis Sanchez for killing two careers not one with his wilful greed and delusions of grandeur? You’re making Alex Iwobi look good for fucks sake. Alex Iwobi.

Alex… Iwobi.

Barkley (5.9 CHE) – An inevitable “whoops there goes gravity” performance from Barkley after his match winning display last week. Few players over the past 5 years have given such a convincing lesson of inconsistency. Barkley lost the ball 5 times, created no chances and had 1 shot before being dragged off the pitch with his tail between his legs.

Firmino (9.2 LIV) – 6 games without a goal, Firmino has become less a false 9 and more of a lost 9. This seems to be partly down to a loss of form, but also as a result of a change of formation which has seen Liverpool play with what their manager likes to call “two 6’s.” This seems to have had a knock on effect to the Brazilian, who is letting Salah run in behind more and more and dropping deeper to do… well… er nothing really. Milner and the full backs are often further up the pitch than him and it’s hard to see what he’s currently offering in this role.

Mitrovic (6.7 FUL) – Possibly the only player in FPL history to suffer a double drop in the next game week, before he had even played in the previous one… Mitrovic was full value for that lack of support from the online community in MNF. Fulham were bad, but the Serbian was pathetic.  He at least had the decency to be invisible in the first half… as opposed to the second when he was just a nuisance to his own team. Losing the ball one minute, being caught offside the next, he even managed to throw in a pointless yellow (seriously, did he just ask the referee to book him?)

You’re playing Huddersfield mate. I mean, I know you don’t get to play against your own defence and for that I’m sorry… but if you look this fucking shit against this lot you’re not fit to wear the shirt.

Liverpool up next for this shower. Lock up your children.

Happy Hunting

HM