Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Nine

Patricio (WOL 4.6) – Wolves have been in scintillating form recently; and off the back of conceding just one goal in their last five matches, promptly conceded double that in a few minutes to Watford. Patricio was unmoved for the first goal and beaten at the near post for the second. He’s had better days at the office.

Ream (FUL 4.3) – Halloween came early for Fulham who have now conceded 278 goals in the last few matches. Tim Ream was absolutely appalling against Cardiff. Like… words almost fail me appalling. If David Luiz once looked like he belonged on a PlayStation, Ream looked like he was on Kick Off 2 when the Amiga was the best games console on the planet. With only the slide button working. Being controlled by a 3 year old.

Cardiff had scored 4 all season before this weekend, and doubled that against a side who don’t even know how to look up defending in the fucking dictionary let alone transfer it to a football pitch.

Smalling (MUN 5.8) – A defender who is better at finishing than he is at tackling – this was another hapless display by Smalling. He’s playing as if he’s been paid to prove that Mourinho was right to beg the board for a new centre back. The days of him and Jones being the centre back pairing for United and England have now eroded faster than the ozone layer.

Taylor (BUR 4.4) – Playing to make up for the penalty miss, this was a vintage display by Mahrez, his first of this ilk in a City shirt. Taylor could do little by the end but shake his hand and accept that he was torn apart by a better player. By the time the gloss was being applied to a dominant City performance, you just wanted to see him put out of his misery. The guy probably has a family for heaven’s sake. 

Van Aanholt (CRY 5.5) – It’s just not really happening for Palace or their once flying full back Van Aanholt – who seems to be “doing bits” more on social media than the actual pitch. Pinned back by Everton, the Dutchman only got into the final third three times all match – attempting no shots, no crosses, no through balls… nothing. His opposite number by comparison, Lucas Digne, put over 13 crosses and created three clear chances for the wasteful Everton front line to spurn. Palace are struggling and their plan of give it to Zaha… and hope… needs a serious rethink.

Richarlison (EVE 6.8) – There are many words that could sum up the performance of Richarlison as Everton’s “false” 9 on Sunday. One will probably do though. Wank.

It may work away from home on the counter, but in front of their own fans it’s safe to say that Silva should have a serious rethink before trying it again. The Brazilian is a natural winger and had simply no idea what to do with himself 30-40 yards out from goal in a central position. Lose the ball was the usual answer to this question. I don’t think I saw him run with his head up the entire match. The kid may have all the ability in the world, but yesterday he played with the football brain of that brat with the annoying dad who thinks he’s better than everyone else in an under 7’s match

Kenedy (NEW 4.9) & Ritchie (NEW 5.9) – Newcastle still haven’t won a game this season; and they didn’t particularly look like doing so against a Brighton team managed by the guy they once foolishly binned off to spunk a 50 year contract on Alan fucking Pardew. Kenedy was terrible on Saturday but Ritchie, the supposed chief creator of this ailing side, even worse. Ritchie has mustered just 6 attempts all season before the weekend, but somehow managed to fire off 6 in one match alone against Brighton. Sadly… they were all bollocks. He was about as threatening as Nigel Farage at a Gammon convention. You may look like you know what you’re doing… but you don’t… do you lads.

Sturridge (LIV 5.8) – Terrible. Truly terrible. Could have played for 1000 minutes and not scored in this match. And so greedy? The decision making of the Liverpool front three at times in this match beggared belief. They had men over time after time again. Still… play shit and win… it’s the key to winning a title apparently.

Unless, you know… the other team is Man City. In which case play shit, win… and come second.

Lukaku (MUN 10.9) – Few players look as bad as Lukaku when he’s off his game. Except maybe Morata who was even worse at the other end. At least Lukaku can hold the ball up, if by some miracle he manages to control it first. Chelsea v Man Utd was an entertaining, lively game with two abject performances from the centre forwards. The strange thing about Lukaku (unlike Morata) is that he has a game every 4 or 5 that convinces you he might actually be great after all. This certainly wasn’t it – at one point in the second half United counter attacked and Martial, Rashford and Pogba all ran past him like he was in the last 100 yards of a marathon. If United are going to continue to play attacking football as Jose adopts his “nothing to lose” policy – they need a lot more from their number 9 than this.

Jimenez (WOL 5.7) – The sort of performance that the word “jaded” was invented for. Coming off after 59 minutes the final, poetic fuck you to FPL managers everywhere.

You bastard.

HM