Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Nine

Patricio (WOL 4.6) – Wolves have been in scintillating form recently; and off the back of conceding just one goal in their last five matches, promptly conceded double that in a few minutes to Watford. Patricio was unmoved for the first goal and beaten at the near post for the second. He’s had better days at the office.

Ream (FUL 4.3) – Halloween came early for Fulham who have now conceded 278 goals in the last few matches. Tim Ream was absolutely appalling against Cardiff. Like… words almost fail me appalling. If David Luiz once looked like he belonged on a PlayStation, Ream looked like he was on Kick Off 2 when the Amiga was the best games console on the planet. With only the slide button working. Being controlled by a 3 year old.

Cardiff had scored 4 all season before this weekend, and doubled that against a side who don’t even know how to look up defending in the fucking dictionary let alone transfer it to a football pitch.

Smalling (MUN 5.8) – A defender who is better at finishing than he is at tackling – this was another hapless display by Smalling. He’s playing as if he’s been paid to prove that Mourinho was right to beg the board for a new centre back. The days of him and Jones being the centre back pairing for United and England have now eroded faster than the ozone layer.

Taylor (BUR 4.4) – Playing to make up for the penalty miss, this was a vintage display by Mahrez, his first of this ilk in a City shirt. Taylor could do little by the end but shake his hand and accept that he was torn apart by a better player. By the time the gloss was being applied to a dominant City performance, you just wanted to see him put out of his misery. The guy probably has a family for heaven’s sake. 

Van Aanholt (CRY 5.5) – It’s just not really happening for Palace or their once flying full back Van Aanholt – who seems to be “doing bits” more on social media than the actual pitch. Pinned back by Everton, the Dutchman only got into the final third three times all match – attempting no shots, no crosses, no through balls… nothing. His opposite number by comparison, Lucas Digne, put over 13 crosses and created three clear chances for the wasteful Everton front line to spurn. Palace are struggling and their plan of give it to Zaha… and hope… needs a serious rethink.

Richarlison (EVE 6.8) – There are many words that could sum up the performance of Richarlison as Everton’s “false” 9 on Sunday. One will probably do though. Wank.

It may work away from home on the counter, but in front of their own fans it’s safe to say that Silva should have a serious rethink before trying it again. The Brazilian is a natural winger and had simply no idea what to do with himself 30-40 yards out from goal in a central position. Lose the ball was the usual answer to this question. I don’t think I saw him run with his head up the entire match. The kid may have all the ability in the world, but yesterday he played with the football brain of that brat with the annoying dad who thinks he’s better than everyone else in an under 7’s match

Kenedy (NEW 4.9) & Ritchie (NEW 5.9) – Newcastle still haven’t won a game this season; and they didn’t particularly look like doing so against a Brighton team managed by the guy they once foolishly binned off to spunk a 50 year contract on Alan fucking Pardew. Kenedy was terrible on Saturday but Ritchie, the supposed chief creator of this ailing side, even worse. Ritchie has mustered just 6 attempts all season before the weekend, but somehow managed to fire off 6 in one match alone against Brighton. Sadly… they were all bollocks. He was about as threatening as Nigel Farage at a Gammon convention. You may look like you know what you’re doing… but you don’t… do you lads.

Sturridge (LIV 5.8) – Terrible. Truly terrible. Could have played for 1000 minutes and not scored in this match. And so greedy? The decision making of the Liverpool front three at times in this match beggared belief. They had men over time after time again. Still… play shit and win… it’s the key to winning a title apparently.

Unless, you know… the other team is Man City. In which case play shit, win… and come second.

Lukaku (MUN 10.9) – Few players look as bad as Lukaku when he’s off his game. Except maybe Morata who was even worse at the other end. At least Lukaku can hold the ball up, if by some miracle he manages to control it first. Chelsea v Man Utd was an entertaining, lively game with two abject performances from the centre forwards. The strange thing about Lukaku (unlike Morata) is that he has a game every 4 or 5 that convinces you he might actually be great after all. This certainly wasn’t it – at one point in the second half United counter attacked and Martial, Rashford and Pogba all ran past him like he was in the last 100 yards of a marathon. If United are going to continue to play attacking football as Jose adopts his “nothing to lose” policy – they need a lot more from their number 9 than this.

Jimenez (WOL 5.7) – The sort of performance that the word “jaded” was invented for. Coming off after 59 minutes the final, poetic fuck you to FPL managers everywhere.

You bastard.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Eight

Bettinelli (FUL 4.4) – Fulham have conceded 21 goals in 8 matches and their goal keeper has made 19 saves. Both those statistics show that they’re probably a little lacking in both areas (Hart and Fabianski, for comparison, have made 36). The Fulham’s stopper England call up this week seems like a troll to Joe Hart rather than a serious assessment of his ability. One world class save is, after all, meaningless… if you concede four goals in 15 minutes straight after.

Sessegnon (FUL 6.1) – The most overpriced FPL player in the history of the Alexis Sanchez sponsored overpriced FPL players, Ryan Sessegnon is a prodigious and youthful talent, but he looks lost as to his role in this Fulham team. He is clearly more of a threat going forward yet continues to find himself in a more defensive role. His only notable achievement this weekend being the private, intoxicating battle between himself and Henrikh Mkhitaryan about who could be the game’s most anonymous player.

Hoedt (SOU 4.4) – It’s been a rubbish few weeks for Wesley Hoedt, who keeps undermining generally good defensive work with individual errors and a general sense of… well… meh. Indeed that description could be extrapolated to most of the Southampton team. Under Mark Hughes they seem to be drifting aimlessly on a light breeze of mediocrity without any ambition to be entertainingly bad like Newcastle or Fulham… or just bad like Huddersfield or Cardiff. They are the most likely to finish 17^th team I think I’ve ever witnessed.

Holebas (WAT 4.9) – Watford were truly terrible on Saturday and the league’s Jekyll & Hyde team Bournemouth duly took advantage. Holebas is a real feast or famine of a player. The Greek full back only seems to have two gears – one where he’s rampaging down the wing whipping in deadly balls and the other where he’s exposed for the sham of a defender he is. In either version he gets booked.

Amartey (LEI 4.5) – I’m not really sure what type of player Amartey is. Is he a defender? Or a defensive midfielder? Either way, he can’t cross. Like, at all. So I have no idea why he’s playing at full back. Any ideas? I’m taking calls on this subject…

Jota (WOL 6.1) – Wolves are riding high – they are proving as adept at using the 3-4-3 system as Chelsea did when Conte first came to town. Nuno Santo can’t possibly match the Italian in the hair stakes (I mean seriously… what a barnet that man had) but he is matching him on the pitch considering his more limited resource. However, whereas Wolves looks great centrally, it’s unclear at this stage how the largely useless Diego Jota has managed to start all 8 games this season. Jota has no goals so far and his only “assist” came in week one where he fell over the ball and was given a free kick that Neves lashed in. He looks bereft of confidence in front of goal and seeing him on the ball in the final third raises less of a heartbeat than the sight of Alex Iwobi clean through on goal. 

Jota has created just 8 chances in 626 minutes of football so far – the same number as his often replacement, Adama Traore has created in 171. Come on Nuno – loyalty is all very good and all… but can someone just pass the ball to Jimenez more often as he needs at least five chances to score each game.

Salah (LIV 12.8) – It’s not quite fair to point the finger solely at Salah – Liverpool’s front 3 have scored just a goal each in the last five games – and despite being top of the table, it’s hard to see why Klopp hasn’t freshened up his attack more often given the form of Sturridge and Shaqiri every time he has given them the chance. Salah is doing the hard work right – he looks fit, fresh and is making the same runs he did last year. He just… well… seems to have forgotten how to finish. Which is marginally better than Mane who has forgotten how to run with the ball… and Firmino who has forgotten how to get in the box. Almost as if he’s now unsuccessfully playing himself in a movie version of how to be a False 9. Pool can be very happy with their lot so far. They sit unbeaten and top of the table and by rights should have lost to City on Sunday. Defensively they are miles better than last season and you wonder if it’s just a matter of time before their front 3 click again and hammer someone. Huddersfield and Cardiff are up next and Klopp’s decision is whether to stick with them and hope for a confidence booster… or use those games to give the backups a chance to shine.

Mahrez (MCI 8.6) – Mahrez isn’t a very good penalty taker – although in fairness nor is Gabriel Jesus who was also trying to take it. Pep took ownership of the situation after the match (good from him) but you have to wonder given the magnitude of the game at 0-0 why a senior figure like David Silva didn’t step up and lash it in. As it was, Mahrez spot kick touched down just about the same time the match finished and the game ended in a draw… which all keeps it nice and interesting until things kick off again and everyone forgets that Chelsea don’t seem to have gone away yet.

Rashford (MUN 6.7) – Confidence is key in football, and few people look as short of it right now as Marcus Rashford. It’s always telling when somebody goes away on international duty and looks more relaxed doing so. United were excrement in the first half, but certain players looked unable to step up and put their emotions to one side and it was telling that once Rashford was withdrawn, United rallied to win 3-2 and put one of their more entertaining weekends to bed for a while. 

Ayew (CRY 5.9) – Anybody who makes a team look like they miss Christian Benteke deserves to be put in that door to Tibet that they banish you too in Monsters Inc. Absolutely useless. 

Ings (SOU 5.7) – In contrast to Rashford’s deer in headlights performance, or Ayew’s smorgasbord of ineptness, the final place in this week’s team is reserved for Daniel William John Ings – the only professional footballer that Winchester have ever produced. 

Ings was horrific this weekend. One of those real performances when you get a highlights reel on YouTube up an hour after the match. Ings missed three clear, whites of the eyes chances – one of which was effectively an open goal from four yards – and to top it off should probably have been sent off. I mean, he still looked better than Shane Long and Manolo Gabbiadini, who was apparently on the pitch for 77 minutes without anybody noticing – but still. Southampton have to score more goals if… well… I don’t know really. Like I said, they’re going to finish 17^th. But maybe if they can get some sort of old school throwback Austin & Ings partnership working they might come… 16^th. And you know, actually be entertaining in more than a sweepstake on which midfielder will get booked for a lunge first kind of way.

Okay I’m done.

#hughesout

Happy Hunting.