Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW One

Hamer (4.0m HUD) – given the nod by Wagner over last season’s first choice Jonas Lossl, Hamer did his chances of being the permanent keeper no help whatsoever with an indifferent display in a home hammering by Chelsea. Making just one save in the match, Hamer conceded three, looked indifferent to balls in the box and was made to look foolish by a penalty that near redefined casual by Jorginho.

Schlindler (4.5 HUD) – a second Terrier finds their way into the team for another display that combined a filling of clumsy with a gluten free wrap of ineptitude. Huddersfield look like relegation fodder this season and their assets look to be about as tempting as a cock flavoured lollipop.

Masuaku (4.5 WHU) – a curious player at the best of times, Masuaku is just about the last defender in the world I would want at left back when faced with Mo Salah. Liverpool away is a cruel opener for any new manager, but Pellegrini showed the tactical nous of Wenger chasing a lead the way he set his side up. An all-round shit show.

Bellerin (5.5 ARS) – always more comfortable going forward than backwards, Bellerin was given a lesson by a galvanised by not playing for England Raheem Sterling, and the imperious Bernando Silva. Indeed, he was so bad defensively that his opposite full back, Benjamin Mendy, decided to play most of the game as an auxiliary forward just to keep taking it past him. Awful stuff.

Maguire (5.5 LEI) – fresh from being the best defender in the world and somehow not moving to Manchester United for £250m, Maguire found himself up against his would be suitors in the league’s curtain raiser. He conceded two goals, didn’t score himself and didn’t ghost past five players bringing the ball out of the back like the melded together souls of Bobby Moore and Diego Maradona. He just had an average game and lost. Welcome back to the day job Harry.

Gross (7.0 BRI) – after a superb debut season and with a host of new, fleet footed signings around him, the stage was set for Pascal Gross to hit the ground running again and create chances with regularity. He had 26 touches in the entire match, just 9 of which were in the final third and only twice played a successful forward pass of merit. Rubbish.

Paterson (5.5 CAR) – it looks to be a long hard season for Cardiff and you sensed they needed to show some early mettle against a Bournemouth side who are about as brittle as an Annie Lennox cover. Paterson was a key man for them in the Championship, but he had an awful game here and was was hauled off just after the hour. Enough time however, for him to amass a single touch in the penalty area and a pass completion of 42%. Forty two percent? That’s a figure that would make Tiemoue Bakayoko blush.

Schurrle (6.0 FUL) – top players who come to newly promoted clubs tend to go one of two ways – they either become talismanic in their ability and inspiration, or they look here for the quick pay day, not up for the fight and drift away like toilet paper in the wind. It’s too early to say which way Schurrle will go… but he’s going to have to do a lot better than this to get anywhere close to the former.

Kane (12.5 TOT) – visibly not fit, fresh from having played precisely zero minutes of pre-season and straight from the birth of his child – Kane’s inclusion in the team, let alone playing 90 minutes almost seemed like a practical joke. Spurs still won, meaning that Poch and Harry had the last laugh… but another performance like this (4 touches in the box, 1 shot) is not likely to end the August drought for England’s number 9 anytime soon. Just give the lad a break. Please, anyone. Stop playing him until he’s ready for the love of all that is sacred.

Arnautovic (7.0 WHU) – almost nobody did less than Marko Arnautovic this weekend. Yes, playing up front for a team who basically hoisted a massive sign saying come and attack us away at Anfield is not ideal, but still, this was a wretched performance. 17 touches (seventeen??) – two unsuccessful dribbles, two (poor) shots and a mini sulk no wait I’m going to pretend I’ve got a knock as he was dragged off the pitch. It’s okay Marco, you’ve got the spin the wheel of random Bournemouth up next – you’ll be fine.

Morata (9.0 CHE) – Alvaro Morata is a rubbish striker. He can be good in the air given the right service, but Diego Costa he is not given Chelsea are always going to play with wingers (whether Hazard, Willian or Pedro) who cut in and penetrate rather than get to the by-line and whip it in. The problem for Chelsea is that they don’t seem to have anybody who can play that role in their squad. Giroud is even less mobile and Batman is now on loan at Valencia rather than fighting the Joker to play regularly for his club.

No wait they still have Tammy Abraham don’t they?

I’m sorry. As you were.

Happy Hunting

HM