Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Five

How long before Bilic’s bubble bursts?
Slaven Bilic’s debut season was a riotous affair of goals, glory and guile. They won their first three away games at Arsenal, Liverpool and City and eventually finished 7^th with 65 goals and several new admirers. Dimitri Payet went from a nobody to one of the best midfielders in the world. Bilic went from an Eastern European Bond Villian… to a God.

Fast forward 15 months or so and West Ham have regressed massively. They crawled to 11^th last season but after expecting to build on the success of the previous year, they instead lost their best player and have struggled badly with the move away from Upton Park. West Ham have added experience to their squad this summer but currently sit in 18^th place, with a minus 7 goal difference and a side that looks ill equipped for the might and muscle of the top league. Especially with the worrying site of Michail Antonio, far and away their most direct player, limping away from the pitch in the first half this Saturday lunchtime.

The Hammers now embark on a strong run of fixtures that they simply have to get results from, starting with Swansea at home. A defence that continues to ship this many goals needs to be re-thought, and up front they need to find a way to fit Carroll and Hernandez in the same side without sacrificing the talents of either. In a league where Heskey and Owen were once the most deadly combination in England, Bilic could do worse than watch some old footage. The big man/little man combo might not be fashionable anymore… but then neither was 3 at the back 2 years ago.

Goals a Premium for mid-table bore-horses
Huddersfield, Burnley, West Brom and Southampton currently sit between 7^th and 11^th in the league table. Man City have scored more goals then they have managed between them. The reason they are there is due to solid, study defensives, but one does wonder what they could be capable of if they let the hand-brake of a little. Huddersfield have conceded just three goals in six games, keeping four clean sheets. A remarkable statistic for a newly promoted club expected to go down. But themselves and Burnley, who sit in 8^th, never really looked like scoring at the weekend and both clubs smacked of playing safe rather than taking a risk to go for the winner. West Brom are used to pragmatism from Pulis, but yet another goalless afternoon for Southampton must be starting to grate for Saints fans who are far from short of attacking options. In their last fourteen league matches Southampton have scored just seven goals. Indeed, they haven’t scored in eight of their last nine home games!? That is desperate stuff whichever way you look at it. If they carry on like this they will beat Derby’s unenviable scoring record and it’s hard to see them staying up unless they keep around 25 clean sheets. Play two up front people… it’s really not that crazy a concept.

Everton need to pick their best team, not their best eleven players
Ronald Koeman has had a tough start to things this season, although it should be noted that things are nowhere near as bad at Everton as some would have you believe. An early start with the Europa League was coupled with losing their best player and the worst set of opening fixtures in the league. In fairness, Everton are probably exactly where they should be so far given their fixtures, and would hope to climb up the table now they have eased off.

However, they need to stop picking three players who fulfil the same role and trust their young, talented youth players to shine. There was zero balance to Everton’s opening 45 minutes in which 3, slow ball players occupied the spots behind Calvert-Lewin. Things changed when Rooney and Klaassen were replaced by Davies and Niasse. Suddenly Everton had a front three of pace and power with Sigurdsson pulling the strings in behind. Everton scored twice to come from behind and relieve some pressure upon their manager.

They need to kick on from here and find their best 11. A consistent defence and formation would also help. And you know, not getting Rooney who is 31 going on 41, to play every minute of every game…

Morata mauls hapless Stoke
In fairness 4-0 flattered Chelsea, who were under siege for several sections of this match and were lucky to keep Marcos Alonso on the pitch after committing two yellow card offences back to back and only getting cautioned for one. Conte withdrew the wing-back following that, much to the horror of his several thousand fantasy football owners… and Chelsea never looked back. Morata has settled well to life in the Premier League and looks a complete footballer. Brilliant both on the ground and in the air, he is a different striker to Costa but arguably a more adaptable one.

He also comes without the risk of getting booked every five minutes and whilst he lacks the pantomime charm of his predecessor… he doesn’t appear to be… well, you know, an absolute fucking c**t.

As the Premier League settles into what looks to be a four horse race (I’m sorry Liverpool… but you aren’t winning shit with that defence) – keeping Morata fit and on form looks vital if Chelsea are to stop their title ending up back in Manchester.

Brighton & Newcastle bring early winter to the seaside
The first 45 minutes of this match were amongst the most turgid I’ve ever witnessed in football. Certainly since I last watched the England national team try to play in a tournament. Almost devoid of creativity, it contained some final balls that made it look like I was playing my 4 year old at FIFA. Over hit crosses, under hit crosses, through balls that were ten yards off target and long, aimless diagonals that ran out of play. It was shocking.

Thankfully for Brighton fans, they improved in the second half and scored through the one moment of genuine class all match. A superb free kick from Gross was headed back across goal and steered in by Hemed. It was deserved solely on the merit of being the only bit of good play in 90 minutes of filth. Newcastle couldn’t rally, despite Brighton retreating faster than the Allies at Gallipoli. Matt Ritchie played like a man who only had the “shoot” button available to him and if anybody could tell me the point of Ayoze Perez I’m all ears. Newcastle can and will play better. Which is a good job as they have Liverpool up next and if they play like this they’ll concede ten.

Although on the flip side… at least they’ll score.

Team of the Weak

Mignolet – Saving a rubbish penalty that you conceded doesn’t make it okay Simon.
Dann – Had absolutely no answer to the movement and magic of City’s second half attack.
Aurier – Trippier rejoice – it’s okay, your replacement is absolute bobbins!
Martins Indi – Mauled by the marauding Morata.
Fonte – Is currently looking worse than Lovren. Maybe Liverpool didn’t buy the wrong centre back after all.
Maguire – Harry you might be the best centre back in the opposition box in the league. But you know, try and remember your day job at times…
Ritchie – Absolutely fucking awful performance.
Klaassen – Toothless, without craft or pace and inexplicably went back to Ajax after the match to be paraded around the pitch. Everton could do worse than leave him there.
Alli – Assisted two goals but could have scored four or five. Literally fell over or stood on the ball six times when all but clean through second half.
Perez – A sham of a Premier League footballer
Wood – Started life well but was poor, rarely got involved and missed the one big chance he got horribly.

Anything else to add? Oh yeah, there’s still one game left. Arsenal v West Brom – a game that could end up as anything, but will probably just be 0-0.

No hold on I still have an Arsenal player to come in from my fantasy team. So 1-0 West Brom. Hail Pulis.

Happy Hunting.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Four

Liverpool punished as Newcastle profit
The Mane red card has dominated post match discussion here and you can see why. One of those decisions that is both correct (by the letter of the law) and wrong (by all the the laws of common sense) - there is no doubt it changed the game in City’s favour. Pool should have been ahead but for the errant finishing of Salah, but there was no excuse for their total capitulation following the red card. They folded like a pack of cards and were rightfully punished for it. 

The key to the red card though for me, is as always, consistency. And we didn’t have to wait long to once again show the flaws in our current game. This afternoon Matt Ritchie committed an almost identical offence on Alfie Mawson. High boot, in the face, looking at the ball, not intentional, apologised straight away. This time though the card was yellow and it’s tempting to say the difference was it was an outfield player and not our often overly protected keepers. As it was, Ritchie stayed on the pitch and delivered the cross for Newcastle to snatch all three points.

Thems... as they say... are the breaks.

Stoke continue to potter with the big boys

Stoke are the mid table team of mid table teams. Since being promoted to the Premier League they have finished 12th, 11th, 13th,14th, 13th, 9th, 9th, 9th, 13th. Just five positions difference spanning across a decade - never once flirting with either relegation or Europe (although they did qualify via the FA Cup once). Yet they are not a side that merely beats those below them and loses comfortably to those above. No. Stoke have been a consistent thorn in the side of bigger clubs since they gate crashed the main event ten years ago. After beating Arsenal they held United on Saturday with a typically robust and passionate performance. The Potters aren’t just chavs who like to rough up the poshies though, they can play football and play it well... certainly since they swapped Pulis for Hughes. A man who loves nothing more than putting one over a supposedly bigger and better club than his own.

Stoke won’t finish in the top six, and they won’t go down. They’re going to finish mid-table. But their season will be entertaining and unpredictable along the way. And let’s be frank... no club should ever think their fans are the best until they’ve gone to a cold, windy night in Stoke and witnessed those fuckers make that much noise.

September blessing for hapless Kane
Kane had 24 shots in August and couldn’t score... in September he scored without even shooting. Alas, I cannot take credit for that line, given I stole it from an anonymous nobody on Twitter (thank you cruel internet). Both Spurs and Kane benefited from a lifting of the curse and Harry soon followed up his 100th goal with his 101st. In truth though, he should have scored 5 or 6 and he still looks like a player who isn’t quite at the races yet. Likewise Deli Alli, who’s mood certainly won’t be helped by FIFA investigating him for flipping the middle finger at Kyle Walker. Tough for the lad that. Who’d have thought that the biggest governing body in sport wouldn’t fall for the “my dog ate my homework” of pathetic excuses.

And yes dear reader I know what you’re saying. Spurs won 3-0 and I’m insulting Kane and Alli.

Yes. Everton were that... fucking... bad.

Sun returns to the Seasiders
Brighton are off and running in the Premier League with a 3-1 win over West Brom. Tony Pulis’ men were seemingly so excited about a trip to the seaside they forgot to defend. All of which was great news for Pascal Gro... er... Gross? Grob? My keyboard literally doesn’t have that symbol... help me out here...

Anyway, I didn’t watch the game, and my knowledge of Brighton is limited to Fatboy Slim and the recently acquired knowledge that my mate lives next door to Louise Wener.

She’s 51 now by the way. Just let that sink in for a moment.

I apologise Brighton fans, I'll learn about your team more as the season progresses and you get games on TV that don't involve you just parking a bus across the pitch.

Watford make inroads again

Watford are unbeaten, 4th in the table and haven’t conceded a goal since the opening game. This isn’t a fluke. Watford have a very, very good manager. Marco Silva almost performed the miracles of miracles last season trying to keep Hull in the top flight, and it’s refreshing that a club saw that for the achievement it was, by keeping him in the division. Watford are very well organised, resilient and have signed some fantastic looking midfielders who’s names I can’t possibly spell or pronounce.

This year’s Leicester? Maybe not. But don’t expect a post Europe Manchester City to roll them over this weekend. If nothing else Silva looks to have a fighting chance of staying for more than one season. Which is the Watford equivalent of winning the Champions League.

Team of the Weak:

Forster - has not looked back to his best yet this season and was beaten by two long range efforts. 

Williams - a wonderful defender who seemed to age ten years during this match.

Alexander-Arnold - was taught an absolute lesson by De Bruyne and Silva

Bailey - brilliant so far this season, but played like he was being controlled by a child on strings at times.

Dann - did fine at the back, but you can’t avoid getting in here when you miss an open goal from two yards out Scott. Certainly not when you’re in my fucking fantasy football team.

Any of Everton’s midfielders - seriously... so bad

Salah - should have put Pool 3 up before Mane spoiled the party. I’ve seen better shooting at Chesterfield.

Townsend - you remember that time when Townsend came out saying how good he was and what fools we all were for doubting his proven international class? Well, he sure is showing us right now...
Fer - created nothing, got booked, missed a sitter. Taxi...
King - looks like he needs a hug. A shadow of his last season self.
Gabbidinni - is it one d? or two? one n? it’s def two b’s? and fuck all goals. again.

Finally - for no reason other than they were utterly awesome I feel compelled to mention the saves of Fabianski and David De Gea this weekend. Both completely brilliant... and both, ultimately, meaningless.

Happy Hunting

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey