Five Things We Learnt From a Premier League Alternate Universe

It’s Christmas, so it’s time to see what’s happened so far this season in an alternate universe…

Martinez Makes a Mockery of Second Season Syndrome
After a superb debut season at the helm of Everton, sullen and instantly dislikeable Roberto Martinez has picked up where he left off and already guided the Merseysiders to 3^rd place playing a brand of football that screams total from every orifice. Claims that Gareth Barry would fade as soon as he was given a permanent contract have looked well off the mark as the midfield maestro has eclipsed his form from last year with a series of assured displays. He is still yet to receive a booking, or mistime a single tackle this season. At the back, Martinez has felt no need to add youth to experience and has now kept 6 consecutive clean sheets thanks to the age defying presence of Sylvain Distin. Up front, Romelu Lukaku has made a mockery of his £28m fee by dominating games, never, ever going missing and thus far netting 20 goals in just 18 appearances. Special mention has to go to Kevin Mirallas though, who was thus far completed the most successful forward passes in the league, silencing talk that he is a greedy little hogger who thinks he is the Belgian Ronaldo. Hail the Toffees!

Garth Crooks gets it right again
Previously maligned “pundit” Garth Crooks, has thus far managed to “nail” each and every one of his fabled teams of the week. Calling for Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard to be jointly given the player of the year award after just one game was brave, but both have repaid his words by being consistently excellent in defensive midfield all season. In a much talked about move, Crooks controversially stepped away from just naming defenders who scored every week, and instead rewarding the actual job they are paid to do, namely keeping clean sheets. In goal, he has now gone a barely believable 3 whole weeks without giving the position to Joe Hart for no reason imaginable. Finally, despite having no reason whatsoever to stick to an actual formation, Crooks has defied his critics and done just that. No longer picking a side with seven forwards and Drogba at centre back, Crooks now hand crafts an XI each and every week that stands up both statistically and intelligently to any in the land.

West Brom prove loyalty and stability is the key to success
Riding high in 6^th place, West Brom chairman Jeremy Peace has cited “total stability” as the key to his sides form. Peace has refused many claims to sack Roberto Di Matteo despite indifferent form over the past five years. He has been rewarded though with the Italian playing fluent, passing football and a superb transfer window in which the Baggies added proven ability to their rosters and laughed whilst other clubs took hopeless punts on strikers who literally cannot score. Peace made reference to the likes of Stoke City and Swansea in his Christmas Speech, two clubs who have both gone through 11 managers in 3 years and have proven time and time again sacking coaches after a few months, whilst giving them no say whatsoever in transfers, is a highly risky strategy. West Brom can now enjoy the rest of the season, safe from relegation and ready to push for a much deserved European spot.

Arsenal remain the team to beat
10 points clear at the top and currently unbeaten, Arsene Wenger has quoted “mental toughness,” “never getting caught on the counter attack” and a “peerless record” against the other big teams as the key reasons behind their current success. Resisting the urge to add three more attacking midfielders to his team for no reason whatsoever, Wenger instead bought Mat Hummels and Diego Godin to the Emirates, as well as the defensive shield of Sami Khedira. The three have been crucial in cutting out the former frailties of the side and allowing the partnership of Danny Welbeck and Yaya Sanogo to play with potent abandonment up front. The pair, who many doubted would score the goals required for a title challenge, have notched 35 times between them to date. Behind them, Mesut Ozil and Jack Wilshire have been inspired and injury free, gathering 20 assists to date and having never once gone missing on a rainy night in Stoke.

Poyet lays all credit at the feet of Altidore and labels him “World’s Best”
4th spot, ahead of the free flowing but ailing Chelsea and the Wayne Rooney managed Manchester United, is rich reward so far for a Sunderland team who have taken off the handbrake and are currently the seasons top scorers. Whilst the likes of Lee Catermole, Jack Rodwell and Seb Larsson have all weighed in with goals a plenty, the real success story has been the reborn Jozy Altidore. The American has plundered 26 goals so far in just 17 matches with a shot conversion rate of 70%.  He has been an absolute lethal weapon in the Black Cats armoury and looks set to take the Champions League by storm if his team can maintain this sort of form into the New Year. His form is almost the complete opposite of the much maligned Sergio Aguero. The Argentinian is struggling badly in a City side that are languishing in mid-table and has now gone over 2,000 minutes without a goal, missing 8 penalties in that time. His manager remains positive though, singling out the fact he is yet to get injured as cause for optimism.

Team of the Season so Far:

Simon Mignolet
Wes Morgan
Kyle Naughton
Sylvain Distin
Eliaquim Mangala
Tom Cleverly
Darren Fletcher
Mikel Arteta
Hatem Ben Arfa
Mario Balotelli
Brown Ideye

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

Arsenal got lucky to even draw

For a team famed for possession football and well known for carving out chances and spurning them, it was strange to see Arsenal deliver what was almost a classic away day hit and run on Brendan Rodgers ailing Liverpool side. Arsene Wenger’s side of light weight schemesters (or the “balsa boys” as I like to call them) managed just 36% possession at Anfield and were subjected to 27 shots on goal, 11 of which were on target. In truth it was a disjointed, largely rancid performance that they almost got away because Liverpool do not possess either a centre back who can tackle, or a goal keeper who can literally save anything. As it was, a point was the least the home side deserved and they will take heart from an attacking performance that zipped and buzzed like last season, even if they lacked Suarez or Sturridge to finish everything off. Arsenal have QPR at home next, which is the top flight guarantee of three points, so there is plenty of reason for them to smile this Christmas time. Unless of course they lose, which if they defend as poorly as they did here again, they very well might.

The North East deserves more entertainment

In the 34 collective games this season both Sunderland and Newcastle have mustered together just 33 goals. Given both have solid, largely well organised defences (that Saints freak show aside); it’s probably fair for their fans to wonder what might be possible if they were capable of scoring more goals. The game yesterday exposed the flaws for all to see, with 31 shots and more bookings than efforts on target. Several, clear cut, whites of the keeper’s eyes chances were missed before Johnson finally struck late and swanned back to Wearside with all the points. For Pardew, it was another defeat in what looks ominously like the start again of “one of those runs.” Poyet meanwhile, must wonder what his team would be capable of if they didn’t have a strike force which has mustered together just 15 goals in the last 8,000 minutes. Just to put that into very little perspective, if they had just Sergio Aguero, they would have scored 75 goals over that same period…

Silva lining for City in striker shortage

They may be lacking up top, but City still showed Tyneside how to find the net this weekend thanks to an interchanging false 9 system and the abilities of David Silva. Both the Spaniard and Samir Nasri were superb in the dismantling of Crystal Palace on Saturday lunchtime; popping up all over the pitch to hurt the visitors where it mattered most. Granted Palace were obliging opponents, Neil Warnock has certainly taking the hand break of his troops since replacing Tony Pulis, but his teams remain brittle and hopeless when exposed to pace. He could also do with having a little more of a game plan than “give it to Bolasie, hope.” City on the other hand were somehow joint top for 48 hours, despite flattering to deceive for most of the season. With a festive schedule of West Brom, Burnley and Sunderland; the chances of being top on New Year’s Day remain a very real possibility.

How good could Edin Hazard be?

Edin Hazard is the best player in the Premier League. Only Sergio Aguero can have any real umbrage with that claim and his injury record is ultimately too poor to bear weight with the comparison. It’s very well being absolutely lethal, but when you only play half the time you’re going to make your manager nervous with every tackle you go into. Hazard is probably the best dribbler I’ve ever seen. Only Best, who I clearly never watched in my lifetime, and Lionel Messi in his pomp, look comparable to the method of dribbling Hazard possesses. He is quick, but he doesn’t power past players like Ronaldo, Bale and Robben with brute pace. He glides across the turf like a ballet dancer and can get past three or four players in a close space from a standing start. He can shoot from distance and from close range. He can head the ball, take a mean penalty and can cross a ball hard, stand it up or whip it in. He is, put simply, World Class. But, even in a team where he is probably the only player allowed “off the leash” - he is not truly, ever allowed off it. Hazard tracks back and does a lot of running in areas which don’t hurt teams. He has evolved into a superb all round player but one already starts to wonder what sort of attacking bounties he might be capable of if he played for a free flowing team like Munich, Real, Barca or even Manchester City. Hazard is young and on the verge of signing a massive new contract and he will almost certainly win trophies at Chelsea. But if he’s this good for a side that basically shuts up shop once they go 2-0 up in any game, one wonders if he’ll ever get itchy to go and play his football for a club which gives him limitless licence to thrill.

Will the first managerial casualty please stand up

With the first sacking of the season still to occur, I assess the five favourite contenders prior to the three games in a week festive bonanza.


Nigel Pearson

Pros: Attacking, expansive football. Unique desire to sit in the highest tier in the ground rather than the actual dugout. Earned promotion.

Cons: Continues to pick Paul Konchesky. Regularly sets up in a regimented 4-4-2. Hasn’t won a game in three months. Bottom and 5 points adrift of safety.


Steve Bruce:

Pros: Strong season last year and appears loyal to the club. Tactically sound and a proven man manager.

Cons: Winless in 10 games. Hasn’t scored in 7 of those matches. Spent arm and a leg on attacking players who so far, cannot attack. Unbelievably fat.


Alan Pardew:

Pros: In the top half of the table. Recently beat Chelsea. Known for long winning runs. Good motivator and, on his day, tactically very shrewd.

Cons: Despised by 75% of all fans. A complete and utter cunt. Known for long losing runs. On his day, tactically very naïve.


Brendan Rodgers:

Pros: Last season’s Manager of the Year. Desperately unlucky with lead striker being injured all season. Ability to play highly entertaining, flowing attacking football.

Cons: Signed Mario Balotelli. And 17 other duds. Total and utter inability to organise a defence in any semblance of a unit. Keeps picking Martin Skertel. Owners are itchy.


Harry Redknapp:

Pros: Charlie Austin at home.

Cons: Everyone else away.

Team of the Weak

Brad Jones – Has conceded 5 goals in two games whilst making one save. Which went straight to an attacking player. January can’t come soon enough.

Kelly – Torn apart by the twinkling nose of Nasri and Silva and looked every bit the Liverpool defender he once was.

Jagielka – Had a total mare and inexplicably got away with a stone wall penalty early on.
Coloccini – Looked far too fired up. Lucky not to get sent off. Conceded late winner.

Bardsley - Was given a torrid time by Hazard and Fabregas and could have been sent off twice.

Flamini - Looks a shadow of the defensive shield he was last season. Liverpool ran past him like he wasn’t even there.

Ramirez - In the team as the creative lynchpin. Created nothing.

Puncheon - Looked out of his depth. One free-kick was two pitches overhit. Booked.

Darren Fletcher - Hauled off at half time. It’s hard to think of a vice captain who a manager has so little faith in.

Ideye - Still yet to score and when you don’t do that against QPR you’re in real trouble.

Rooney - Played well creatively, but can anybody explain to me why the greatest English number 10 of our lifetime is playing in the Gerrard “retirement role” when he’s still in his twenties?

What you may have missed.

Either keeper making a save in the Man City/Palace match; LVG looking confused as to how his team still can’t pass the ball; Hull barely even trying to score anymore; Harry Redknapp not really giving a shit if Charlie Austin ever gets an England call up; Everton’s entire attack; Everton’s entire midfield; Everton’s entire defence; Spurs winning at home... just... to Burnley; Stewart Downing looking like he’s getting younger... and better... with age; a clean tackle in the Tyne-Wear derby; Cesc Fabregas growing his hair out and Jose Mourinho’s ridiculously amusing reactions to almost anything that happened during the match.

Merry Christmas, and tune in sometime over the festive period for my annual satirical look at the Christmas fixtures and my official team of the season so far.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey




Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

1. The importance of a safe pair of hands
In a match which laid bare the shortcomings of both these fallen giants, it wasn’t Wayne Rooney or Robin Van Persie who was the difference at Old Trafford, it was David De Gea. The Spaniard is Utd’s player of the season so far by a distance. Each and every week he is justifying why Ferguson paid so much money for him, and the ability which prompted Iker Casillas to quote “he will retire us all.” De Gea has now won a ridiculous four games in the last six on his own. Yes you have to score goals as well, but that’s made a lot easier when you have a keeper who couldn’t be further from the one at the other end if he tried. Finally losing patience with the woeful Simon Mignolet, Rodgers replaced him with the equally woeful Brad Jones. The Liverpool stopper dived out of the way of the first goal, stood static for the second and then just fell over for the third. It’s one thing being beaten 3-0 by your neighbours, but to do so with so little a fight will be hurting Liverpool bad. Where United are grinding out results and returning to their winning ways, if certainly not their winning best, Pool are bereft of confidence and look a side unrecognisable from the one that tore into the league just a few months ago.  There are too many problems to list here, right now it would be simpler to just say “everything.” Liverpool have scored just 2 goals in their last 3 games, all of which were pretty much must win. The fact that their fans are nervous about playing Bournemouth this week pretty much says it all. Rodgers isn’t on borrowed time just yet, but he needs to sign somebody in January who will actually go straight into the team and improve it. Since Sturridge, Rodgers has signed 18 players… and not a single one of them have fulfilled that criteria.

2. Was it National Diving Day?
The sight not just of attacking midfielders and forwards diving, but hardened centre backs, was a real step back in the ongoing “war against simulation.” I’ll look past the decision making ability of Chris Foy, instead focussing on what it’s coming to when Gary Cahill, England’s first choice centre back, feels the need to deliberately cheat by diving in the box. At least Cahill had the good grace to look embarrassed. Unlike Diego Costa, who was apparently “in tears” after the match following his 7^th “unfair” booking of the season. When quizzed on this matter by Jose, apparently Chris Foy offered Costa a hankie. Which was better than anything he actually did in the match.

On the subject of Diving. Danny Murphy (not, crucially, Robbie Savage) had it right on Match on the Day. It should be retrospectively punished by a panel of three people. A referee, an ex-player and a pundit/expert/neutral. I don’t buy the line for one second that it’s hard to prove. Even discounting the obvious non-contact ones we saw at Chelsea, I can’t believe any sane, unbiased professional could look at Adam Johnson on a replay and claim he didn’t dive. There would still be the odd grey area, but then so be it. There is always going to be a grey area. Can anyone make an argument that it wouldn’t cut diving out almost straight away? It’s cheating. Plain and simple. And should be treated as such.

3. Déjà vu for Steve Bruce
After an impressive start to his Hull career, Steve Bruce has struggled badly this year and currently cannot buy a win. It’s a familiar story for Bruce, who regularly starts well at clubs before tailing off. Certainly that was the case in his last role at Sunderland where Bruce initially stabilised the team before getting sacked following a dreadful run. The same now appears true at Hull and in both cases you could point the finger at some very average transfer business. Bruce is clearly a good man-manager and regularly varies his tactics to good effect. But too often he has signed players who haven’t performed elsewhere and watched, mildly shocked, that they haven’t just magically started to perform for him. Hull now find themselves in the relegation zone and have back to back games over Christmas (Sunderland/Leicester) against teams they now really have to beat. Ben Arfa being sent to train in Paris by himself probably isn’t the answer either.

Also in an irrelevant aside, why the fuck is Steve Bruce so fat? I mean I know you're not playing anymore Steve, but come on man, do they not let you enter the club gym?

4. Villa need to let the hand-break off. And quickly.
Stumbling to defeat against West Brom, Aston Villa sank back in to the danger zone on Saturday after a promising couple of results. The problem with Villa clearly isn’t the defence. Indeed, Paul Lambert is almost the anti Brendan Rodgers. Having taking a series of rough diamonds and youth players and consistently organised them into a solid, coherent, defensive unit; the problem with Villa is very much at the other end of the pitch. Since the start of last season, Villa have now played 54 games and scored a paltry 49 goals. Most of those goals have come through the power of Benteke or the pace of Agbonlahor. Without those two Villa look like a side who can’t buy a goal. Lambert seems permanently attracted to midfielders who hustle and bustle but don’t create anything, instead relying on width through a 4-3-3 formation that he almost never tinkers with. Villa can be a threat on the counter, and it’s not a surprise that they’ve done okay against teams which dominate possession. When they come up against anyone else however, they struggle badly possessing almost nobody who can take the game to the opposition. They probably won’t get relegated and they certainly won’t win anything, but over the course of the last two years Villa are, by every statistic going, the most boring team in the land. Come on Paul… let’s have a bit of fun eh.

5. QPR at home is the cure to any teams blues.
Everton's home form has been nothing to shout home about. They have toiled against some of the lesser lights and conceded a hat-ful against the big boys. So there was no better cure to that then the fixture calender handing them three points with the visit of QPR. Deprived of the only player in their team who can score, Rangers were neat, tidy and ultimately useless for most of the game. For Everton, Ross Barkley was superb in a deeper role, capping his performance with a spectaular strike come suspiciously dramatic own goal. Strange then, that following the third goal QPR had scored on Everton's behalf, the home team seemingly completely and utterly gave up. For the 10 minutes following the goal Rangers had 86% possession. Which is ridiculous for the worst away team in the league who do not in anyway play a passing game. Everton's pass completion for the last half hour was less than 80% and we witnessed the bizarre scene of home fans booing their team despite having already comfortably won the match. QPR did eventually score following some poor defensive work and then the rest of the game was played out as if everyone just wanted to forget about it all. Which given what the result did for my fantasy football team, frankly included me.

Team of the Weak:

Jones – Hopeless, lacking in organisation and ability. Looked every bit the third choice keeper he by rights should be.

Coloccini – Torn apart by Arsenal’s pace, power and ability.
Cahill – Should have been sent off. Twice.

Clyne – Has been superb this year, but horrible error gifted Burnley a goal and was shut down going forward.

Bartley – Looked shaky and helped allow Spurs to bundle in a winner.

Lallana – Ghosted around creating little and hauled off yet again at half time. Has not been the start to his Liverpool career he would have dreamed about.

Willian – Next to Oscar, Fabregas and Hazard most players look pretty ordinary, but surely Andre Schurrle deserves more chances?
Cleverely – Pass left. Pass right. Run a bit. Wonder how much your stock has fallen in 2 years.

Sterling – Missed chance, after chance, after chance, after chance. Looked like he might cry.

Pelle – Has now statistically missed more chances than any player in the league. Saints need him firing again and fast.

Altidore – But he’s still miles, miles, miles, miles better than Jozy, 1 Sunderland goal in 2065 minutes (two thousand and sixty five) Altidore.

Two. Thousand. And. Sixty. Five. Minutes.

Apparently Burnley are interested…

What you may have missed:

Sports Personality of the Year, Tom Huddlestone getting suspended for 4 games for showing Chelsea what an actual tackle looks like, Man City having not a single fit striker until the January sales, Jozy Altidore missing an open goal from six yards, Liverpool trying to defend, Oliver Giroud resembling an actual world class number 9, Santi Cazorla resembling an actual world class number 8, Spurs absolutely robbing Swansea of any points and Peter Crouch, still rumbling on, still scoring goals and closing in on his Premier League century of strikes. And there are some stellar names in that list. Shearer. Cole. Henry. Fowler. Drogba. Heskey…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

1. Sometimes a statistic is all you need.

I could sit here all night and type about the collective ineptitude of Arsenal, the regressing tactics, the lack of fight, heart or defensive ability. I could give you twenty reasons right here, right now, that every single match that Arsenal still have Wenger at the helm sets them further... and further... and further back. But I won’t. I will just sit back and quote one single statistic. In 90 minutes against Stoke this Saturday, Arsenal made just one successful tackle.


One. (1)

Put simply, that is utterly extraordinary.

2. The invincibles talk can finally end.

Talking of going unbeaten for the season in November is premature at the best of times, so it was a bit of a relief to finally park that bus this Saturday as Jose and his Chelsea troops lost their mojo once again in the North East. Feebly trying to deflect his teams performance with fabricated ball-boy yarns, this was a bad day at the office for Chelsea and one that temporarily blew open the title race. I say temporarily, because despite City winning, the sight of Sergio Aguero clutching his knee and spending a month (at best) on the sidelines was probably more of a blow than losing the match would have been. City have an easy winter run and will hope that their spine is fit and fighting again in January. If not, it’s likely that Chelsea’s defeat will only be significant in ending their long winning run, rather than stopping their dull and relentless quest to the title.


3. West Ham won. Again.

Okay then, I put this off last week with good humour, but West Ham are playing lovely football, varying their tactics and winning games with style and grace. It’s probably time to stop taking the piss, hoping to God that it stops and actually give them some credit. What’s brilliant about West Ham this season is the variety in which they are attacking. It’s hard to think of any club (Man City maybe) who can boast three strikers with such uniquely different skill sets. The pace, power, creativity and arial expertise of Valencia, Sakho and Andy Carroll are causing havoc with the contrasting ways in which they can be used to breakdown opposition. Behind them, Stewart Downing is reborn and Alex Song the signing of the summer. Defensively West Ham are as solid as ever, although it’s a bit strange to see Carl Jenkinson doing so well whilst his apparent replacement, Calum Chambers, continues to toil at Arsenal. Fair play Sam, this is the manager who did such a good job at Bolton before he became typecast as a boring, relegation saving journeyman. West Ham won’t still be 3rd or 4th come May, but so far it looks like it might actually be entertaining seeing them try.


4. Spurs need to up the tempo.
Spurs home form this season has been largely dreadful. They have lost half their matches and are scoring barely a goal a game. Held by Crystal Palace this weekend, the most talked about moment of the match was a piece of skill by an opposition player by his own corner flag. The team has been rotated at will, the tactics varied seemingly at random, but the real take home point is that Spurs just aren’t playing the sort of high tempo game you would expect. The current team is incomparable to what they were under Redknapp, and certainly nothing like the Southampton side that got their manager the gig in the first place. Sherwood has spoken at length of a poor mentality from his time there, and notably about how slow Spurs were to start matches. That trend is showing no signs of stopping. At home Spurs seem to be just passing it around and hoping they’ll score. They need to be grabbing games by the scruff of the net and wanting the three points. They have won just 6 of their first 15 matches, the same as Swansea and Newcastle. For a team with delusions of a Champions League finish, that is simply not good enough.


5. Leicester are in real trouble.
It is now ten games since Leicester defeated Manchester United in the game of the season so far. Ten games that have seen 8 defeats and 2 draws. They have conceded 18 goals in that time and scored just 6. They currently look a team bereft of confidence and it’s impossible to see where the next win is coming from. In truth, the 2-1 defeat by Aston Villa, the worst home team in the league, flattered them hugely. Villa battered them for much of the match and but for errant finishing and brilliant goalkeeping it could have been a slaughter. Pearson deserves time to turn it around but he needs to make his side harder to beat before concentrating on matters further up the field. Man City rocking up on Saturday probably isn’t going to help matters. But then we’ve said that before this season...

Team of the Weak:

Fabianski - erratic and sketchy performance that culminated in a red card. Never ideal.
Chambers - absolutely awful from start to finish, would have made the team even without the red card. Looked like a pub player.

McNair - An actual pub player, hauled off after half an hour of multiple errors.
Mertesacker - World Cup Winning defender beginning to look like a typo. Is exactly the sort of leaderless leader you expect of a current Arsene Wenger team.
Konchesky - torn apart by Gabby all match, then sent off for presumably telling Alan Hutton what we’d all been thinking.
Barry - looked badly off the pace and committed multiple fouls and misplaced passes. Still made more successful tackles than entire Arsenal team.
Fellaini - Absolute toilet. This was the Fellaini of last season right when nobody wanted to see him again.
Fabregas - Sometimes, even the greats have off days. Still got an assist...
Mason - Um, does anyone know why this lad is starting games?

Costa - is becoming a little bit of a home, flat track bully. Since Everton, has been awful in every away game he’s played.
Anichebe - One of those players where the word “striker” really needs to be in inverted commas.

What you may have missed:

Any goals at Hull. Any goals at Liverpool. Any goals at Spurs. Man City scoring early and then just conserving their energy ready for Wednesday night. Everton letting Man City score early and then inexplicably allowing them to conserve their energy for Wednesday night. Charlie Austin making a goal, scoring a goal and then getting sent off. The sight of thousands of fantasy football managers who had captained Augero hurling something at the TV. Liverpool keeping another clean sheet. But it being against Sunderland so not actually counting. Burnley not scoring in a match. Bristol City leaving it until injury time to see off non-league Telford. And finally, Ronaldo... and Messi, both scoring hat-tricks yet again. 44 between them now in the last six or seven seasons. To put that into perspective, that’s the same number that has been scored in the ENTIRE of the Premier League in the past four and a bit seasons. Silly really.


https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey