Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Spurs are reaping the rewards for faith in youth.

This summer, Spurs shed the dead weight from their squad and for the first time in the Daniel Levy era, gave full faith to their manager in backing his desire to promote a young, athletic side of future stars and academy players. Spurs first choice front six of Dier, Ali, Lamela, Son, Eriksen and Kane are 21, 19, 23, 23, 23 and 22. They don’t currently have a player anywhere near their squad over the age of 28. The youngest starting eleven in the league’s history (taken over a 10 game period) is currently unbeaten since the opening day and playing the sort of football that Spurs fans thought was long a thing in the past. Most impressively, their manager has added defensive steel to attacking nous and Spurs, for the time being, seem finally shorn of conceding the sort of calamitous goals that have defined their seasons for the past decade. Spurs battered West Ham this weekend, after doing the same and somehow coming away with a draw away to Arsenal last week. The front players interchange with loving symmetry and, in Dier and Ali, they now have steel to sit alongside the flair of Eriksen and Lamela. Dembele has also been a revelation when required, the ex-Fulham player finally having woken up to his ample talent. After a start where City looked like they might run away with it, just four points separate five teams at the top. Spurs are up there entirely on merit, and if they can keep their young guns fit and firing, they should not be intimidated by anyone.

Lukaku is coming of age.
Few players featured more regularly in my team of the weak last season than Lukaku. The Belgian has always been a curious player, looking like Drogba in his pomp one minute, and Heskey in his decline the next. This season, it looks like he has finally come of age and Everton are reaping the awards. It should be remembered, that Lukaku is only just 22. He became only the fifth player in league history this weekend, to score 50 goals before his 23^rd birthday. Given the others are Rooney, Ronaldo, Owen & Fowler… it’s safe to say he is in pretty good company. When he plays like this he is unstoppable, holding the ball up, rising like a salmon and with a fleet of foot unbefitting to a big man. His rise in form has coinciding with an Everton team who now appear rampant in attack given half the chance. They have torn apart the bottom two teams in ruthless fashion and have strength in depth along with a first eleven full of shimmering menace. Everton had a brutal start to the season fixture wise and looking at their next few games – Bournemouth, Palace, Norwich, Leicester, Newcastle, Stoke – their fans should be rewarded with more goals and a potential and genuine challenge for the major European places. Okay, they probably won’t beat Leicester. But the rest…

Leicester have a month to make their claim real.
Top of the league, with the best striker and the most creative midfielder (that little German pixie aside) – the bubble is still refusing to burst for Leicester. It is telling then, that they now enter a period of games where they will be either found out for the plucky, crest of a wave riding mavericks they are; or stand up as genuine title, that’s right, genuine title contenders. Their fixtures between now and January are Man Utd, City and Chelsea at home… and Swansea, Everton and Liverpool away. The league’s best defence roll in to town this weekend and if the Foxes can penetrate a back line that hasn’t conceded from open play in TEN HOURS, let alone roll them over, the gloves really will be off. Nobody wants this Cinderella story to end. Leicester are an absolute breath of fresh air at the top of the tree and the longer they stay there the better. Danny Murphy said Jamie Vardy wasn’t worth £10m this weekend. Which says everything you need to know about the lack of respect that he, and this wonderfully free flowing, positive team are still receiving. Viva La Foxes!

Alexis Sanchez needs a rest. Now.
Since the summer of 2013, 28 months ago, Alexis Sanchez has played, wait for it… 161 games. That figure doesn’t even include friendly or pre-season matches. He has not had any period longer than 2 weeks off at any stage, and, excluding the close season, is averaging a match every 4.5 days. That, quite frankly, is madness. Other players have no doubt done similar, but Sanchez is flying back and forth to Chile every month or so and has a game centred around pace, power and physical strength. He started the season poorly, visibly jaded after his summer excursions with his country. He found full fitness towards the end of September and promptly scored seven goals in four matches. Another international break followed and Sanchez hasn’t scored since. He has been carrying a niggle since that break which worsened before the latest one. Inexplicably, he played 180 minutes for his country, despite barely being able to run, before returning and getting a single days rest and playing another 90 for a tired Arsenal this Saturday. Arsenal may well have a long injury list (when do they ever not) but not resting their star asset is now getting dangerously close to total stupidity. Alexis visibly plays better when fully fit and having had a week’s rest. Arsenal have a virtual dead rubber in the Champions League this week before playing Norwich the week after, a fixture they surely do not need Sanchez to get three points from. The best thing Wenger can do at this stage is give the lad two weeks off in the sun and tell him to come back refreshed, recharged and ready for the busy Christmas. If he doesn’t, both his star player and his title chances are going to burn out like a candle. 

Klopp gets Liverpool pressing to the samba beat.
In a weekend full of impressive performances, the best was reserved for the Etihad Stadium. What was surprising though, is that it wasn’t Manchester City who came up with it. Even allowing for a Vincent Kompany-less City back line, Liverpool turned in a first half performance of incredible pressing, passing and movement that tore apart the league leaders like confetti. This was Klopp’s calling card right here. This was why people went crazy when he was appointed manager. This is what his sides are capable of. Klopp has landed on his feet more than people realise at Liverpool. Rodgers was trying to play this type of football but couldn’t quite the engine going following the loss of Luis Suarez to Barcelona. As such, Liverpool are ready equipped with several players who ideally fit Klopp’s style of play. Very fit, intricate players capable of high pressing, high tempo football. Coutinho, Fimino, Lallana, Milner, Can. The captain Jordan Henderson also fits this mould and his reintroduction into a team playing this well is only going to improve things further. Defensively Pool remain a work in progress, Martin Skertel is by no stretch of the imagination a player good enough to play in a side with delusions of trophies and Klopp could do worse than replace at least three members of his back five with premium quality in January. For now, the reintroduction of Lucas, strangely cast aside by Rodgers for much of his reign, is helping keep things tighter and providing a base for the German’s samba stars to shine higher up. City were awful, but when their own manager says 10 goals wouldn’t have flattered the opposition, they’ve probably done something right.

Team of the Weak:

Adrian – Should really have saved at least two of Spurs goals, although was done few favours by his defence and actually made 8 further stops to keep the score down to a mere four. Still, you can’t win them all son.
Richards – Richards move to Aston Villa this summer has been little short of a disaster. Just two clean sheets and he continues to marshal a defence to morale sapping batterings.
Mangala – One of the single worst performances in Premier League history. Should be made to train with the reserves for a month.
Sagna – Little better, caught in position, terrible passing and beaten too easily time and time again.
Coloccini – Shit. Just shit.
Noble – More interested in starting fights than playing football and let Spurs get under his skin. Not a good day.
Sissoko – One of those games where you wonder if he’s only stepped on the pitch to cash his cheque.
Arteta – Came on for an injured player. Scored an own goal. Left injured.
Toure – Pathetic and lazy performance, dragged at half time, could have come off after 15 minutes.
Sanchez – Give. The. Man. A. Holiday.
Pelle – One of those games for Pelle where is hair was more noticeable than his football. Suspended to boot.

What you may have missed
David De Gea making the save of the season so far at Vicarage Road; Chelsea grinding out the sort of deathly dull 1-0 win that makes everyone want to welcome Jose Mourinho into their warm bosom; John Stones, just going about his day job, being the best centre back on Merseyside and not being at Chelsea; Newcastle not so much imploding, as not bothering to begin with; Stoke keeping their fifth clean sheet in six matches; Gary Monk clinging on to his job despite being tipped for England two months ago; Arsenal having one of those days against Tony Pulis away from home; the majority of Manchester City’s starting eleven utterly absent from the Etihad Stadium and West Ham, Payet-less and guile-less against Tottenham’s handsome youths.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

What we learnt from the Premier League

Leicester deserve their status
Leicester City are third in the table, with the leagues highest scoring striker, highest scoring midfielder and a manager who looks to have put any retirement plans on hold for one final crack of the good life. But rest assured, this is not a fluke, a quirk of form or the fixture sheet. Over the past TWENTY games Leicester have won 13, drawn 5 and lost 2. That’s 44 points. Only Arsenal boast better form and it’s hard to make a case for their run stopping when they continue to show such resilience, team spirit and boast two of the league’s best forwards. Oh how Chelsea must crave the energy and the power of Jamie Vardy, the creativity and the trickery of Riyad Mahrez. This run is too long now to be considered a flash in the pan. Leicester play Newcastle and Watford before welcoming the insipid Manchester United to the King Power Stadium. On the evidence of everything we’ve seen this season, they will be favourites to extend their merciless stranglehold on the Champions League placings and condemn the purveyors of anti-football to the mid table purgatory where they belong.

Kone today, here tomorrow
When Arouna Kone took to the field in the first match of the season, he was booed. He proceeded to score one, make one and continued his form into the next game when his combination play with Lukaku was key to a fine away win against Southampton. He may have milled around the edges a little since then, but Roberto Martinez never lost faith in the player he brought with him from Wigan. Back to full fitness for the first time since a career threatening injury, Kone was absolutely unplayable this Sunday. He battered a woeful Sunderland with the sort of performance that Diego Costa used to be famous for, before he became merely famous for kicking, cheating, diving, punching and generally being an all round cunt. Everton tore into Sunderland like a pack of meat starved Lions. So  disinterested in defending, a scoreline of 10-4 from the second half alone could easily have been possible. Lukaku towered, Deulofeu purred, Barkley caressed and loved the football like it was his own newborn baby... but above them all stood Kone. He deserved this... and after the few weeks Everton have had, frankly so did they.

League title? That’s golden, David
Co-Chairman of West Ham, David Sullivan, announced this week without irony that West Ham were now “seriously thinking about the title.” Whilst their early season form has been largely delightful, such a comment was always likely to bite you in the ass and so it proved as the Hammers failed to break down an increasingly more resilient Watford. With more clean sheets than the bottom five combined, Watford look more than equipped to staying up thanks to sound defensive organisation, and the supreme talents of Odion Ighalo up front. The prolific marksman has carried on where we left off in the Championship and now has seven strikes to his name. He shimmers with menace in the box and his partnership with Troy Deeney has more than a whiff of Owen & Heskey about it. West Ham were largely terrible on Saturday. Playing absolutely everything through Payet is all very well when he’s firing, but when he has an off day you need a plan B. And with Andy Carroll already on the pitch... well... let’s just say that it’s not going out on a limb to be able to say, pretty confidently, that West Ham are not going to win the title this year.

Although they still have a better chance than Chelsea granted.

And Liverpool.

Arsenal have to win the title this year
It feels like we’ve said many times over the past decade, if arsenal don’t win the title this year etc etc etc. But at the risk of history repeating itself... if Arsenal don’t win the title this year, they never, ever will again under Wenger and they need to pack their bags and give up the ghost now. Arsenal are the best team in the land this calendar year; they have a woeful record with injuries granted but a deeper squad that anybody else in the league and they aren’t reliant on just one or two people in the way that Manchester City are. Sanchez is their talisman, but Ozil and Santi are now running this team with increasing guile and class. They have a World Class keeper, finally, and the best right back in the division. They have a manager who has finally got his squad to play the sort of football that he craves. Not consistently no... but consistently enough for Arsenal to win this league. Chelsea are gone, finished, more in need of a rebuild than Pompeii. Liverpool are young and raw, United too pragmatic and coasting on the ghosts of past glories. No, the only credible challengers for the title are Manchester City. Who stumbled and stuttered past the leagues worst defence this weekend thanks to a late penalty. City are a decent team, but they are not a great one. And without Silva and Aguero up front they can look very ordinary when they don’t get going. Arsenal HAVE to win the title this year. For the good of football. For the good of sport. For the good of this country.

Okay not that last part.

Louizzzzzzzzzzz van gaal
I could sit here and dissect the philosophy of Louis Van Gaal. But I won’t, I’m better than that... and so instead, please see my list of ten everyday things that are currently MORE interesting than watching Manchester United try and play football.

1. That moment when you get to the post office just because you need proof of postage for an item you didn’t even mean to fucking order... and there are 85 people ahead of you.
2. Phoning up your insurance company to be greeted by 25 consecutive voice activated commands that cannot possibly pick up your accent.
3. Waiting for porn to load. On dial up. On an Amiga.
4. Listening to Katie Hopkins talk about fat people.
5. Being trapped in a room with Michael Owen as he talks you through EVERY goal he ever scored. And then recites the Bible.
6. Reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
7. Re-watching Lost. Twice.
8. Witnessing a 2 hour single frame marathon between Peter Ebdon and Alan McManus.
9. Enjoying the nuances of a chat between two people who are deciding whether to give up gluten or soya.
10. Being trapped in a bar on the last fucking day on earth with a bunch of people who don’t... fucking... drink.
    

Team of the Weak

Sunderlands defence.

Chelsea’s midfield.

Wayne Rooney.

What you may have missed
Philippe Coutinho scoring two goals when I benched him, Jack Butland being the man of the match when I benched him, Kolarov missing a penalty, West Brom imploding, Aaron Cresswell helping bundle the ball into his own net, Ross Barkley not getting on the scoresheet, or even an assist in a six goal drubbing, Alexis Sanchez taking the afternoon off, Saido Mane wandering around like a drunk, Ayoze Perez missing 28 chances, Diego Costa being a useless, dirty cunt and Anthony Martial being STUCK OUT ON THE LEFT FUCKING WING FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER LOUIS!!!

But seriously, enough about my fantasy football team. Have a good week.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

What We Learnt From The Premier League

Klopp needs time, luck and a strike force who can stay fit.
The big talking point of the past fortnight hasn’t been Holland somehow not qualifying for the European Championships despite Northern Ireland, Iceland, Wales, Bristol Rovers and Jersey managing that feat. No, because only about 12 people still care about international football (Gareth Bale’s family basically) - most of the news was taken up with the appointment of Jurgen Klopp at Liverpool. If Liverpool are a sleeping giant, they’ve been in hibernation for some time. Klopp did a fine job at Dortmund, particularly in the middle of his spell when he took his team to the final of the Champions League, thrashing Real Madrid en route, in between back to back league titles. The squad he inherits at Liverpool is young, pacey and treading a thin line between highly promising and highly disappointing. There are a lot of players here who, with the right coaching and management, could challenge for major trophies in 2-3 years. Likewise, the whole squad could conceivably be transferred to Villa and Sunderland in the same timescales. Klopp needs time to make his mark at the club, but he also can’t afford to be losing the likes of Benteke, Sturridge, Henderson and Firmino to injury all at the same time. Liverpool have lacked cutting edge since Suarez left anyway, and if the German is too succeed, he needs to add goals to a team who have too often flattered to deceive in the final third.

Or you know, he could just buy Robert Lewandowski. In la la land.

Newcastle finally get their Win... naldum
It would be stating the obvious to say that Newcastle had started the season poorly, but the caveat to that was the time it would take a lot of new signings to gel, and a fixture list that literally gave them 6 of the hardest matches of the season in the first 8. Against a Norwich team who love conceding goals even more than they do scoring them, Newcastle cut loose in stylish fashion to record their first win of the season. Central to their success was a front four that buzzed with pace, creativity and power. Mitrovic and Ayoze is a young strike partnership that could frighten any team given time and patience. Behind them, Moussa Sissoko is perhaps the quintessential Newcastle United player. One week he’ll huff and puff and nothing will come off, the next he’ll be sent off for petulance, then an entire game will pass him by before finally, he’ll turn up once a month and look like the best player in the world. Sissoko created everything on Sunday, most of it converted by the imperious Wijnaldum. The Dutch international has now scored more goals from midfield than any player in world football over the past 12 months. Which does kind of beg the question, what exactly is he doing at Newcastle? With a fixture list that now turns kinder than any other side from now until Christmas, Newcastle suddenly have the confidence and the firepower to climb the table, maintain their status as a mid table club who claim to be a big one... and sell all their prized assets for a profit in the summer.

Everton mourn much more than a mere loss
There was nobody stepping up to criticize Everton when their heads visibly dropped after United scored this weekend. Hours before kick off the news had broke that Howard Kendall, arguably their greatest ever manager, had died. Such news only ever goes two ways with teams, serving as a motivational tool to galvanize them to great heights, or weigh hard on shoulders and hearts. It was the latter at play at Goodison and Everton players and fans all looked like they had bigger things on their minds as United cruised to a comfortable victory. Kendall had three spells at Everton and was certainly the man I associated with Everton growing up. He was hugely successful in his first spell, winning trophies both home and abroad with teams containing some of the greatest names ever associated with the club; Peter Reid, Trevor Steven, Andy Gray, Tony Cottee, Gary Lineker. If ever there was an example of a manager in love with a club though, it was demonstrated by Kendall’s extraordinary decision to return to the club when they were battling relegation. Extraordinary because at the time he was managing Manchester City, challenging at the top. He steadied the club and twice preserved their status as the longest serving club in the top flight. Kendall was a passionate manager and clearly a fine man. In an increasingly fickle sport, it was saddening to lose such a genuinely loyal and respected figure.

Watford need goals. From anywhere.
The lowest scorers in the Premier League battled well for an hour against Arsenal before falling to defeat in a ruthless ten minute spell. Nobody is expecting Watford to compete with Arsenal upfront, but given they signed 372 players in the summer, it’s probably fair to suggest that someone other than Odion Ighalo should be scoring by now. The Nigerian has scored five of his teams six goals, and the other was scored by Layun in the 13th minute of the opening game. That means, that aside from Ighalo, nobody at Watford football club has now scored in 800 minutes. That, quite frankly, is a joke. Flores needs to get his team firing and fast. Deeney is a loyal work horse but looks to lack the finesse to flourish at this level. Behind them though, the midfield need to start creating chances for their strikers to finish. And be reminded that, at any stage, they are actually allowed to shoot.

Jamie Vardy

I mean, I don’t want to say I called it. But this is getting embarrassing now. The least Man United could do is get Woodward to table a £50m speculative bid just for a laugh. Most underrated player in England? I’m upgrading that to Europe. Hail Foxes.

Team of the Weak

Guzan – the once safe pair of hands is now costing villa goals every week. None more so than against a continuously lethargic Chelsea, when he opted to gift them a goal having already seen one slip past him due to a hideous error from Lescott. Sherwood could do a lot worse than taking both players out of the firing line at once.

Lescott – see above. When you’re the weak link in a defence that includes Micah Richards and Alan Hutton, you’re in trouble.

Whittaker & Olson – the two full backs for Norwich were absolutely torn apart by Sissoko (4 assists) and Wijnaldum (4 goals). Norwich have no problems scoring goals, but they have to start learning how to shut the door behind them if they’re not going back to the fiery chasm from whence they came.

Distin – If there’s one thing Raheem Sterling can do, it’s run. And if there’s one thing 58 year old Sylvain Distin can’t do… well, you get the idea.

Barry – was tasked to protect his defence and keep Ander Herrera quiet. Failed.

Larsson – here is a simple tip to any new Sunderland manager. Please. Please stop picking Larsson. Ever.

Lamela – Another one of those frustrating performances by the youngster, who continues to flatter to deceive in almost every other match.

Hazard – Only played for seven minutes after being placed in the naughty corner by Jose Mourinho for not defending enough. But still, he’s in here because it’s very funny to see the creative player of the year not get to start, at home against arguably the worst team in the league because he won’t defend enough. Come on Jose, lighten up and take the hand brake off for fucks sake. A goal difference of minus three after 9 games isn’t just because of the defence.

Origi – It honestly looked like Liverpool had stuck the lad on work experience up top.

Fletcher – Sunderland is the place where strikers go to die. And so after paying £12.5m for the man who had plundered 33 goals in three seasons, the Black Cats have watched Fletcher stumble to 10 in the same time period. His average for Sunderland is now a goal every 350 minutes. And he’s spent most of the extra time injured.

What you may have missed
Harry Kane looking longingly into the eyes of the back of the net and remembering wistfully when he used to put a ball in it; Diego Costa being absolutely amazing by NOT getting sent off and scoring a tap in from five yards; Alan Pardew basically just gently pleading with the referee to have not sent off his player even though... he was completely correct to send off his player; Wayne Rooney scoring a goal away from home; against Everton; Raheem Sterling scoring a hat trick; despite really having should have scored eight; Leicester coming from behind yet again; West Brom eeking out another 1-0 win as their fans slowly, but surely all turn to rugby and Swansea and Stoke all showing 6 year olds everywhere, how not to pass a fucking football.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we've Learnt from the Premier League this year - Month Two

It’s even grimmer t’up north than ever

Winless in August, winless in September.  After seven games you could add the points of Sunderland and Newcastle together, and they’d STILL be in the relegation zone. As the grim reaper of premier league managers glides ominously across the the country from London to Birmingham to Merseyside, he has now set up permanent residence in the North East ready to claim his next victim and carry them back to the purgatory of mid table European sides or League one hopefuls. Newcastle, knocked out of the League Cup by Sheffield Wednesday in midweek, at least rallied this weekend to show some fight against Chelsea. Denied a victory by a flighted free kick that eluded everyone to go in (also, the only type of goal that Willian is now allowed to score). Sunderland meanwhile are in desperate, desperate trouble. Put to the sword by a third gear Manchester United on Saturday, it’s impossible to see where there next win will come from. They don’t score, they can’t keep a clean sheet and they have a manager who never really wanted to be there in the first place. Next week the two can look forward to playing the teams currently sitting in 2nd and 3rd, before they set themselves for the Tyne & Wear derby on October 24th. Something surely has to give then, but as Watford, Bournemouth and Norwich show them both how to defend, entertain and score respectively, it’s hard to make a case for either side going on a run to pull themselves from the mire just yet.

Injuries define seasons as much as form and tactics
When people ask me who I think will win the league, I normally respond with a caveat centered around what luck any respective team will get with injuries. Chelsea last year for example, managed to complete the season with their first choice back 5 having played virtually every game. You can’t buy or coach that, you just need a little luck, and probably not to sack your club doctor for being a woman. Arsenal by contrast, haven’t just not won the league for a decade because of Wenger’s stubbornness to buy a striker or a 9 year quest for a plan B. No, they keep failing because each and every season over half their team seems to get struck down by awful injuries. Indeed, Walcott, Wilshire and the Ox have had more days out injured in the last two years than Chelsea’s ENTIRE squad. Man City, imperious for four games, have now lost three matches in a row without their chief creator David Silva and captain Vincent Kompany. United have lost the best young left back in the country for the season, and yesterday the sight of Calum Wilson leaving the field with an injury that could keep him out for months will leave Cherries’ fans sick in the stomach of how much their survival chances will now be hampered. Would Hull have stayed up had Robert Snodgrass not been injured in the first few minutes of last season? Would Arsenal have won the title and dominated for years had Eduardo never had his leg broken? These are questions we don’t know the answer to, but what we do know is that no team ever wins the title without keeping their core assets on the pitch for the vast majority of the time. As City have already proved, calling a title race after 5 games is utterly absurd. Even the best teams are just a couple of key injuries away from disaster.

We’ve been asking the wrong question about Martial
After four games, four goals and performances laced with verve and purpose, the question isn’t why United payed £36m for a teenager who had barely played, but why he had barely played to begin with. Martial already looks like one of those teenagers who is 19 going on 30. He plays with his head up, reads the game well and seems to not even remotely bothered by all the hype going on around him. His reaction to scoring is as if it was expected, rather than to be celebrated. Like a slightly more animated version of Mario Balotelli’s famous “does the postman celebrate when he delivers the mail” line. The price is almost irrelevant to United, so the question was always going to be could Martial give United what they were missing in the final third? So far that question has been answered resoundingly with United having cut loose to score 12 goals in four domestic games since he joined. A front three of Martial, Memphis and Mata suddenly seems like a deadly combination of pace, trickery and creativity with Rooney pulling the strings behind like an aging headmaster who still wants to sit at the kids table. Indeed, with De Gea restored and United having employed an ominously strong rotating shield of defensive midfielders, Rooney continues to look like the odd man out in a youthful and well drilled side. United sit on top of the table after 7 games, of which they’ve looked impressive for probably just 2. But if they are to go further this year and stay there come May, easing his captain out of the side might just be the best thing Van Gaal can do for the club.

Why was nobody else in for Payet?
Costing a little over £10m, Dimitri Payet has wasted no time in adapting to life in the Premier League and has helped elevate West Ham to the lofty heights of third in the table. His record in the French league has been imperious over the past three seasons. Indeed he has scored over 20 times and created some 40 more goals in that period. Last year, he led the league for assists and nobody in European football made more through balls bar Lionel Messi. So why on earth was nobody else in for him when Bilic swooped in the summer? Chelsea, to name but one team, are crying out for a number 10 to take the strain off the fatigued Oscar and the increasingly erratic Fabregas. Spurs have Eriksen in that role, but beyond that nothing and Payet would have been a more than adequate step up on the guileless Nacer Chadli. Roberto Martinez bemoaned the lack of available players who fitted Payet’s description the entire transfer window. Those club’s loss is West Ham’s gain. Payet has been their best player so far as they have won away at Arsenal, City and Liverpool. If he can keep them ticking over, a European place is far from out of reach.

Jamie Vardy would get in any squad in the country
You probably laughed at that line didn’t you? I mean, this is Jamie Vardy, a guy playing non league football but a few seasons ago and a man so rough around the edges he could be carved in gravel. But look beyond that you see a footballer with a work rate higher than the entire Manchester City squad. A striker who is not only the leading scorer so far this season, but one who is unselfish and plays only for his team and not himself. Vardy creates goals, scores goals and even stops them. You cannot watch Leicester without being drawn to his energetic presence. He gives opposition defenders not a single moment of peace for 90 minutes and has the end product to back it up. Vardy may be 28, but being such a late starter to the rigors of top flight football has meant his career still has years ahead of him. He plays with the abandonment of a 16 year old and even though Leicester lost this weekend, he was the stand out player along with Alexis Sanchez. He is, right now, a better forward than Theo Walcott, Wilfried Bony, Wayne Rooney, Danny Ings and Radamel Falcao. Every fan, of every club, should want him at their club.

Team of the Weak
(not to be confused with Garth Crooks‘ team of the week. A man who wouldn’t know an actual formation if hit him in the face, and who steadfastly refuses to pick defenders who keep clean sheets.)

Caballero - A back up keeper for a reason. Cabellero spilled, flapped and blundered his way through 90 minutes and left with his manager praying Joe Hart never, ever gets injured again.

Kaboul - WHY PEOPLE WHY!!!?

Olsson - It’s a good job Norwich can score, because they sure as hell can’t defend. O’Neill needs to find a combination of defenders that can keep some clean sheets and fast if their thus far entertaining start to the division isn’t going to be a short lived one.
Sagna - This was the Sagna of big Arsenal away games again, rather than the one who has done so brilliantly to date this season. Over hit crosses, mis-timed tackles and a general sense of not really knowing what is going on.
Johnson - Stoke used to have a good record at the back. Then their captain got injured, and they signed Glen Johnson.
Coutinho - Inexplicably in Garth Crooks team of the week, it really is now getting incredible how bad Phil is at shooting. He has had more shots than any player in the league. Hell, he has had more shots than most entire TEAMS in the league. 18 in the last two matches alone, many of them clear cut. Zero goals. Thanks for coming.
Sterling - Cut from the same shooting cloth as the above, Sterling isn’t just at Man City to run into corners and create space for real players. No wait, that is what he’s there for. My mistake. £50m. Ka-ching!
Juarado - Watford’s great play-maker has yet to score this season. And has created nothing since the opening game. They need him to start firing and fast.
Ayew - Has completely gone off the boil, along with the entire Swansea side after such an impressive start. No goals in three for the whole team now, and Ayew is floundering.
Aguero - Not entirely sure what has happened to Aguero this season. Imperious for his country during the international break, he has come back and continued to fire blanks for his club. Looks a yard off and badly needs a couple of goals to kick-start his season.
Remy - Just could not give a toss.

What you may have missed
Chelsea in 15th having won two games all season and looking absolutely awful. Nothing else matters really. They literally can only win games by cheating now. Hail Jose!

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We've Learnt From The Premier League So Far

One month in and nobody was expecting Chelsea to have the same number of points as Norwich & Bournemouth, and half as many as Swansea. But that is the reality of things heading into the final hours of deadline day as the Hindu Monkey turns his withering and overdue eyes over the season to date:

1.       The title isn’t won after 4 games, but it can be lost.
When assessing the title chances of the big clubs this summer, few tipped City to return to the summit following an up and down campaign which mixed brilliance with defensive vulnerability.  10 goals scored, none conceded and 4 wins from 4 have changed expectations somewhat. City now look the team to beat and few would deny the signings of Sterling, De Bruyne and Otamendi, all be it for ridiculous, FFP flouting fees, have strengthened the team. The frightening thing for their rivals is that the latter two haven’t even stepped on the pitch yet. City remain reliant on Aguero, despite the new signings, but the one thing that the pace of Sterling has done has freed up more space for both him and the mercurial David Silva to work their magic in. Silva in particular has started the season in the sort of form that treats his omission from the 14/15 team of the year with utter disdain.  A wonderful player to watch, he is the heartbeat of this fabulous, free flowing city team and now has 14 goals and 16 assists in his last 34 games. A truly astonishing return.

Those stats topped even Hazard last year and if Silva has started the season flying, the Belgian certainly hasn’t. Chelsea look to be punch-drunk, hungover and heading for collective retirement all at the same time. A defence that seems to have aged a decade over the summer, are being badly let down by the axis of Matic/Fabregas. Arguably the best two central midfielders last season, both look well short of their best right now. Fabregas cannot get into games and Matic looks a yard off the pace, mistiming tackles that he would have made with casual aplomb six months ago. With 34 games left to go, nobody is being crowned champions yet, but it is a horrifying start by Chelsea who find themselves just 2 points off the bottom of the table, and a full 8 behind City having already lost to them once. With United and Pool flattering to deceive after solid starts, and Arsenal doing their usual pass, pass, pass, feint to shoot, pass, lose the ball trick… neutrals and rival fans alike are left hoping for a slip up from the runaway leaders to stop this turning into yet another Premier League procession rather than an actual contest.

2.       Swansea remain the most under-rated team in the land
Unbeaten and having just swatted aside Manchester United yet again, it is now impossible not to respect the work being done at Swansea City, not just by Gary Monk, but the entire club. Swansea have sold well, bought better and improved each and every season under new, supposedly callow managers. They have taken rough diamonds and polished them (Shelvey), brought players up from the lower leagues (Williams), rescued players from rotation hell and made them first team regulars (Fabianski, Naughton) and consistently bought cheap, talented players on the continent who have come in and hit the ground running (Bony, Michu, Ayew). Already this season Swansea have overpowered Newcastle and Sunderland and Gary Monk has tactically out thought both Louis Van Gaal and Jose Mourinho. They have the most inform striker in the land and have a fixture list that now pits them against five of the bottom ten teams next. In a season where once again it looks like the supposed bigger clubs will struggle, talk of Swansea for Europe really isn’t as fanciful as it seems. Given the way they are run, operate and their success in comparison to net spend on the pitch… every club in the land should aspire to be Swansea City. I can’t pay them a higher compliment.

3.       It still looks pretty grim in the North-East
Any optimism that came with the appointment of Steve McClaren, and the proven quality of new signings Wijnaldum and Thauvin, has been tempered slightly by a truly evil opening set of fixtures and buying a striker who appears even angrier than Diego Costa. Newcastle have two points from their opening four matches and sit bottom of the table, alongside their neighbours Sunderland. Comfortably the worst side in the league so far, Sunderland have conceded 10 goals to date and look like a disorganised rabble managed by a bloke who is now wishing he stuck to his original retirement plan. Sticking to their questionable transfer policy of buying players who represent absolutely no value whatsoever, the Black Cats decided that the key to shoring up their defence was a move for Younis Kaboul. The most error prone defender in the league since Titus Bramble retired. Who Sunderland also signed. Both clubs have enough ability to survive the drop, not to mention two managers who know what they’re doing both in terms of coaching and tactics. As ever though, you sense the key to both teams remain keeping confidence high and the fans on side. Both these sides are impossibly well supported and deserve more than languishing in the nether regions of the table whilst pretenders from the Championship come up and leapfrog them season after season. Will their fans get what they wish for? Probably not, although at least it looks like both teams will offer more value for money from an entertainment factor this time around.

4.       United and Pool underwhelm, but Spurs could be the club to drop out this time around.
Since the departures of Alex Ferguson and Luis Suarez respectively, Liverpool and Manchester United have spent over £500 million on players who have barely improved the squads they both possessed three years ago. When they have improved them (Schneiderlin, Milner) they seem to have done so at the expense of other areas. Both clubs look short of goals, yet have conspired to move on a staggering ten forwards this summer. Liverpool have refused to sign a keeper, any keeper, who is better than Simon Mignolet, whereas United now seem to have 18 of them on their books due to some sort of transfer collapsing curse. Both clubs look weak in central defence, if solid in the middle of the park with a rotating blend of attractive attacking midfielders who look like world beaters one week and lightweight puppets the next. Neither side are going to win the title, and spending £30m plus on Benteke or a French teenager nobody has heard off is going to change that. They remain well supported clubs with cash and a huge global support network, both managed by stubborn, occasional astute managers who think they’re much, much better than what they are. They will likely finish 4^th and 5^th respectively though, which will keep both sets of fans dreaming of better days to come following another disenchanting season.

However, both at least look equipped enough to maintain their positions in the leagues hierarchy, which is more than can be said right now for Spurs. Having bought 10 players from the Gareth Bale money and then tried to move each and every one of them on, Spurs look to have finally got themselves out of their so close, yet so far, season after season cycle and just accepted that in reality, they’re just a bit shit. They rarely keep clean sheets, remain prone to horrific individual errors and have streamlined their squad to a level whereby one can only assume they will be sending out the youth team in the Europa League. They create nothing without Eriksen, and when he does play most of the chances he sets up are missed. Their best attacking player is currently Nacer Chadli. Who wouldn’t get in the Leicester City team. The fans have slowly but surely begin to turn upon Levy, the chairman who has balanced the books but wielded the axe with dramatic frequency and overseen season after season of mediocrity laced with flashes of genius. Spurs were once the most entertaining club in the land. They’re now the most boring. With the rise of Swansea, Southampton, Palace and the core talent that remains, unpoached at a free from Europe Everton; Spurs fans can forget about finishing anywhere near the top four. On this evidence, they’ll be lucky to be in the top half.

5.       Attacking intent is finally being rewarded
If there is one key area the Premier League has evolved on over the past few years it has been the attacking intent offered up by some of the supposedly lesser teams. It used to be just the big boys who were capable of 7-0 or 5-3 scorelines, but now it seems common place for the likes of Southampton and Leicester to be involved in them as well. West Ham have started the season deciding to treat away games like home games and vice versa. And under Alan Pardew, Crystal Palace have evolved into a free flowing attacking juggernaut with little or no interest in defending.  Even Chelsea can’t seem to eek out 1-0 home wins anymore and with money being poured into superstar forwards, teams are realising that attack is often the best form of defence against the bigger clubs. It has helped make the Premier League what it is. For all its flaws, overblown drama and hideous amount of money, it remains a riotously entertaining league which is impossible to predict from one week to the next.

Trust me, just try managing a fantasy football team in this climate...

Team of the (first four) Weak

Courtois – Has looked far from the safe pair of hands of last season and has conceded six goals in three games, getting rightfully sent off in one. Indeed, Begovic looked better in one half against Manchester City.
Ivanovic – The Serbian was always a bit of a sham of a right back who hid his flaws with attacking prowess and boundless energy. Having lost a yard or five of pace, and not having the world’s greatest defensive forward, Willian, ahead of him for the past two matches, he has been badly exposed.
Terry – Although not as exposed as Terry, who has been hauled off, sent off and watched from the stands as his team have been picked apart and left in tatters after just four games. It’s too early to write Terry off after last season’s heroics, so let’s just call him a c**t and all move on.
Coates – A defender so bad that even Brendan Rodgers won’t play him. Liverpool’s loss is Sunderland’s er… gain. Or not, as the case may be.
Jenkinson – Missing from both the away wins, Carl Jenkinson has far conceded six goals at home to Leicester and Bournemouth and got sent off. Looked like the player Arsenal bought, not the one that Sam Allardyce turned him into…
Wanyama – Looked awful in every game he played, missed the one game Saints looked great in to force a move away. Move fell through. Slow clap.
Fabregas – Looks slow, tired and a shadow of the player who lit up the league at the start of last season. Chelsea need the real Fabregas back, and fast.
Coutinho – After a match winning opening strike, Coutinho proceeded to fire off 237 shots without scoring in just 3 hours and then got sent off, feebly. Will now miss the biggest away game of the season.
The entire Arsenal attacking unit– In 4 matches to date, Arsenal have averaged 68% possession and fired off a simply staggering 83 shots. Staggering because so far a front line of Cazorla, Ozil, Ramsey, Walcott, Chamberlain, Sanchez and Giroud have mustered a single goal between them. Lucky to be even on 7 points, Arsenal and Wenger continue to go season, after season, after tiring season without knowing what a Plan B is if hit them in the face.
Kane – Harry Kane looked tired in the summer, so following an international tournament and the shortest pre-season in history it’s not a massive surprise that he now looks even more so. More a case of needs a break before flash in the pan comments can be made, but he badly needs some support and some time on the training pitch to get his sharpness back.
Rooney – A Champions League hat-trick of tap ins against a Bruge team more open than my 6 a side team cannot mask the failings in Wayne Rooney’s game. He has laboured in four matches for United and only succeeds in slowing the entire side down by being unable to run between the lines anymore. Strikers rarely return to greatness when they lose their pace, and Rooney is showing no signs of bucking that trend.

Until October…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Alternative Teams of the Season

With the dust settling on a Premier League season that could be politely described as “mediocre” and impolitely described as “fucking wank, really, really fucking  wank” – what better way to tie up the loose ends and jet off on my holidays then presenting my alternative teams of the season. You know, because the official PFA one was really boring. And essentially just Chelsea plus Coutinho. For absolutely no reason.

The Good

Adrian – The West Ham stopper can lay claim to being the most underrated in the league. He seamlessly replaced the safe hands of Jussi Jaaskelainen last season and has impressed further in this one. 13 clean sheets and 3 penalty saves is a fine effort, especially for a team who essentially gave up playing three months ago. The now inevitable new West Ham manager will apparently have the words “attack, attack, attack” written into his contract; so it is unlikely that West Ham will be so sound defensively next year. The good news for whoever that might be, is that they will at least have an established and safe pair of hands from which to build from.

Fonte – The selection of Gary Cahill over the Southampton captain was arguably the most glaring error of the PFA team of the year. Fonte has driven his team to a staggering 15 clean sheets in the 36 matches he has played. For a team which was ripped up and sold to the highest bidder last summer, Southampton have been the success story of the season. Their captain has been at the heart of that, and has proved to be a ludicrously underrated player once again. 

Williams – The second captain in the list, and co-star of my team of the season behind Southampton. Swansea have been a terrific breath of fresh air once again this year, with Gary Monk carrying on the good work of the managers behind him. Williams has played every minute of every game after committing his future to the club. 13 clean sheets and an 8^th place finish is rich reward for a team with flair as well as stability. Sooner or later it shouldn’t be a surprise to see Swansea playing so well.

Huth – The signing of the January transfer window, it always felt that Robert Huth was abandoned a little early by Stoke and so it proved following his move across the midlands to assist in Leicester’s promotion bid. The rock from which their great escape has been built on; with Huth on the pitch, Leicester have now not conceded a goal in nine hours of football. That’s right. Nine hours. Extraordinary. 

Rose – The one chink of light in a Spurs defence that still suffer from an alarming inability to defend. Rose has been as good as any attacking defender this year with 3 goals, 5 assists and a genuine sense of adventure coupled with excellent delivery. At just 24 and having been at the club since he was a teenager, he has made the Spurs recruitment policy of “just keep buying full backs” look every bit as stupid as it sounded.

Cambiasso – Four well taken goals from deep have helped his team, but aside from that, Cambiasso has brought class and composure to a Leicester team that for too long coasted by on sheer emotion. Will he stay for another season? One certainly hopes so. With him and Robert Huth, Nigel Pearson can make genuine claims for the two best signings of the season. Especially when you consider he didn’t pay a penny for either of them.

Bolaise – An absolute livewire, if Neil Warnock deserves credit for one thing this season, it’s unleashing the Congolese winger on Premier League defences. Bolaise has injected the league with a sprinkling of unpredictability in a season lacking it. Just as likely to fall over as is score a hat-trick, he has improved further under Pardew and his 12 assists, to go with this 4 goals, are an indication of his growing maturity and eventual end product.

Silva – A staggering omission from the team of the year, the Spaniard has been the stand out performer in a City side which has often flattered to deceive. His career best stats of 12 goals and 12 assists are more than the player of the year Eden Hazard, without the aid of penalties. Silva has pulled the strings all season for City and can be considered blameless for the limp surrender of their Premier League title.

Young – You would have got long odds on the best outfield player under Louis Van Gaal being Ashley Young, but that is the state of play as United trundle to a fourth place finish without breaking sweat and not even letting their star signing get a game. Young impressed in the wing back system whilst others floundered, but has come into his own during the last third of the season as Van Gaal finally rolled out his preferred 4-3-3. Young has been involved in 8 of the last 10 United goals and was their best player against City, Chelsea and Arsenal. Roy Hodgson take note. Or you know, just ignore and pick the chronically out of form Sterling instead.

Austin – 17 goals and more direct involvement than any other player in the league, Austin has carried QPR this season and it just a shame that, when it mattered, they couldn’t carry him in return. A lot of clubs in the league could, and will, do a lot worse in the summer transfer window than make a line for Charlie.

Aguero – A force of nature in full flow, Aguero has plundered 25 goals for City and will finish the season with the Golden Boot. The best striker in the league and probably deserving of a better support cast than Navas, Milner, Fernando and the sulking figures of Nasri and Toure. If City are going to win the title again next year, keeping Aguero fit and playing in the right formation is absolutely imperative.

The Bad

Szczesny – Started the season poorly and eventually lost his place to Ospina. Arsenal started the season in largely miserable form and Szczesny shouldered a lot of the weight of that. 3 clean sheets from 18 matches is not good enough for a team chasing the title, and the form of his replacement since, suggests that Wenger made the correct call in giving his former number one the second half of the season off.

Caulker – Tipped as a future England captain a few years back, that claim now looks even more laughable than Garth Crooks’ bizarre call this morning for Hodgson to hand the armband to Smalling. Caulker has now got relegated in successive seasons and has conceded 135 goals at a rate of one every 45 minutes over the last two years. It’s almost as if he used to play for Spurs, the home of great defenders…

Williamson – A truly embarrassing season got even worse last week when it ended with him being accused of deliberately getting sent off. Williamson has been at the heart of a rancid Newcastle defence in 2015 and can have no excuses if his side goes down. Only the complete ineptitude of Hull City’s strike force looks set to spare Newcastle blushes.

Kompany – Looks to have lost a yard of pace as the injuries have mounted up and finishes the season unable to get back into a side that includes the 34 year old Demichelis and the risible Mangala. A proper pre-season will help, but City need their captain back to challenge again. Even if his middle name is Jean.

Every single Liverpool fullback – Over the course of the season Liverpool have fielded Johnson, Sakho, Toure, Manquillo, Enrique, Henderson, Ibe, Moreno, Markovic and even the great young hope of English footballers just ready to flatter to deceive for the next decade, Raheem Sterling at full back or wing back. None of them have done a job good enough to resist calls that both positions need to be filled in earnest this summer. Moreno at least has youth and attacking thrust on his side, which may just about be enough to cover up his desperate positional naivety. Most of the other genuine defenders should be sold to raise funds for… I’m sorry I’ve got ahead of myself. People paying money for Glen Johnson? It’s just too laughable isn’t it. I mean… I haven’t even mentioned Dejan Lovren for fucks sake.

Ben Arfa – After falling out with Pardew over the summer, Ben Arfa signed for Hull on loan on deadline day. After playing just a handful of games though he unexpectedly left the country with his own manager declaring that he had “no idea” where he was and that his Hull career was over. Newcastle tore up his contract soon after that and he then had a move to Nice blocked by FIFA because you can only play for two clubs in a season. He has since considering retiring from football, having just turned 28. A genuine disgrace to the game.

Cabella – 24 years old and 22 goals over two seasons with Montpellier, one of which helped win the league title for the first time in the clubs history, Cabella was tipped by many to be one of the signings of the pre-season. He wasn’t. He’s scored once and has been absolutely dreadful in almost every game. Plus he has utterly ridiculous hair.

Townsend – Hasn’t completed 90 minutes once all season. Has scored two league goals, one of which was a penalty and cannot get in a team that gave up playing football two months ago. Why don’t you tweet that Andros.

Di Maria/Falcao – Including wages, the simple fact is that Manchester United have paid close to £100m to employ the services of Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao. Between them they have mustered 7 league goals, none of which have come since January, at a rate of one every 415 minutes. Or, to look at it another way, a goal every £13m. If Falcao’s form can be excused with a sympathetic nod towards his career threatening injury, the form of Di Maria has been woeful. More so when you consider that he actually started the season playing really well. Since a spell out of the team in the Autumn though, Di Maria has been a shadow of his former self. His confidence low, his effort and commitment even lower, but above all else his inability to pass the ball, at times but a few yards, has been one of the most extraordinary things I’ve ever witnessed. The Premier league needs star players to survive, but if the rejected galacticos are coming over here to coast around and collect an easy pay cheque, then something is very, very wrong indeed.

Welbeck – Touch harsh? Probably. Welbeck certainly hasn’t been the worst striker in the league this season (that man’s up next), but he’s in here because for all the huff and puff, he ends the season in exactly the same position in which he started it. Welbeck moved from United to Arsenal because he wanted to play through the middle and be given a run of games in his “preferred position.” Even when it is clear to everyone bar him that his best position remains as wide forward. Welbeck was given a run of games to stake his claim but the return of Oliver Giroud, and the imperious form of the Frenchman since then, has put all that to bed again. Welbeck, who has scored just four league goals at a rate of one every seven hours, now finds himself once again as a second choice player in a squad which is only going to get stronger over the summer. Still… Sunderland might sign him again. Chin up laddie.

Balotelli – 16 games, 1 goal. Stats only tell half the story in what has to be considered the worst Premier League signing over the last five years. Replacing Luis Suarez was never going to be easy, but taking a look at a man who was quick, tenacious, driven and a complete leader on the pitch and deciding to sign someone who was the complete opposite was quite palpably not the answer. Balotelli is a distraction off the pitch and a disgrace on it. He has now scored just twice in his last 27 hours of Premier League football. It took Saido Mane less than three minutes to beat that total on Saturday. Who will buy him now is a mystery, but keeping him within the squad is as dangerous as it is ridiculous. I don’t care how much of a loss they make on him, Balotelli’s contract needs to be torn up and his bag packed for him. All the other players on this list have at least, to various degrees, tried. They have run, they have harried, they have failed in numerous ways. But they have not just stepped on to the pitch with a puffed out chest like a God and not given a flying fuck about what happens. The stats don’t lie Mario. You are an absolutely terrible player.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey