Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirteen

ROBERTO (4.4 WHU) – Arguably the worst keeper ever to play in the Premier League, it is genuinely baffling how Roberto has got to the stage he has. I’ve seen keepers low on confidence, I’ve seen keepers who keep making errors… but Roberto can’t even do the basics. Positioning wise he’s awful; he flaps at crosses, can’t kick it out with any accuracy and fundamentally, can’t actually save any shot that isn’t straight at him.  Pellegrini rocks up to free scoring Chelsea next and has a simple decision to make. It’s either Roberto’s job or his own. The worry for the Argentine, is that it may already be too late… 

LUIZ (5.8 ARS) – An absolute cluster fuck of a performance. A genuine horror show. And not a good horror show… like a shit spin off of a shit sequel of a shit horror show to begin with. Fucking hell… David Luiz basically spent the whole match in Nilbog*.

At fault for the first goal, Luiz then just gave up as the game went on. Like a slowly deflating balloon filled with toxic gas. Everything he touched turned to poison. Southampton ended the game with 21 shots away from home against a supposed top six team.

Arsenal play Norwich next… who have the next worst defence in the league. Get the popcorn.

MARIAPPA (4.2 WAT) – Playing at home to Burnley, the worst away attack in the league, Mariappa posted zero tackles, zero blocks, zero interceptions and lost 3-0. He has featured in 4 matches so far this season and has a net FPL score of a single point. What the fuck man? Get a new job!

JONES (4.8 MUN) – A 45-minute circus performance from a clown who specialises in parties exclusively for Scousers. Phil Jones often gets a lot of stick… and that’s mainly because he’s absolutely shite. He lasted a single half here before he was put out his misery and likely his United career. Now has the greatest YouTube highlights video in world football.

ALEXANDER-ARNOLD (7.1 LIV) – If you want to get at Liverpool, you put pressure on their fullbacks high up the pitch. This isn’t rocket science, but Hodgson and Palace were brutally unlucky to come away with no points after they executed their game plan to perfection. They missed two guilt edge chances, had a perfectly good goal robbed from them and the mercurial Zaha was a problem for TAA all match. The young right back posted guttural stats here and was badly out of sorts. His pass distribution a hopeless 68% and defensively he failed with 50% of all his tackle, blocks and headers. Yes he remains a creative tour de force in the final third when he’s on song… but defensively he still has to improve if he wants to be the next… er… Gary Neville? George Cohen?

Fuck me we really haven’t had a lot of great right backs in this country…

SCHNEIDERLIN (4.4 EVE) – Few players highlight the malaise at Everton more than Morgan Schneiderlin. The midfielder doesn’t do anything especially wrong… but is incapable of doing anything especially right either. Arsenal, Utd and Spurs have been a car crash in slow motion at times this season… West Ham are doing it in real time. Everton meanwhile aren’t even interesting enough to be comically shit. Instead they are being crushed under the weight of relentless mediocrity. Silva is the walking wounded but his departure is highly unlikely to fix the problems that run deep in a football club who used to tread water, and is now just drowning in it.

DOUCOURE (5.7 WAT) – Key to Watford’s success last season, Watford are struggling when Capoue and Doucoure don’t dominate games like they used to. The Frenchman has seen his defensive numbers drop across the board. He is succeeding with less tackles, winning less headers and making far less clearances. He has also lost his shooting boots. He’s actually firing off a shot every 50 minutes still, but his accuracy is a pathetic 17% and his goal conversion 4.3%. Watford need him to step up, or they are going down. 

DJENEPO (5.2 SOU) – Djenepo may have only played for 14 minutes on Saturday, but in that time he somehow managed to miss two whites of the eyes chances that would have won Saints the game; and fail to roll the ball to visibly unmarked team mates twice more.

For all their defensive fragilities, If Southampton could shoot it would be a very different story. Only Watford & Everton have a worse conversion rate. For shots away from home, only the current top four and Manchester United can match them. They need to start putting away these chances… or… well… not everyone can go down I suppose.

Man there are so many shit teams right now. 

PEREIRA/FRED (5.0 - 5.3 MUN) – A midfield that would get relegated from the Championship, Fred and Pereira are terrible football players who were given a lesson in how to pass and move by a 4m FPL defender and a journeyman who had never played in the top flight until two months ago. Whereas Sheffield United are a well-oiled machine managed by a manager who understands tactics and the importance of the collective over the individual, Manchester United are a wounded animal with the local farmer’s lad trying to ride it bareback. 

These two purposeless animals managed to collectively win just a third of their aerial duels and less than half of their tackles. They blocked no shots, they had no shots of their own, they created no chances at any point of the match. They were bollocks.

WILSON (7.7 BOU) & HALLER (7.2 WHU) – A strike force so out of touch they could be called Hancock & Raab. In the last 11 matches combined they have had 20 shots for zero goals at an accuracy of barely 25%. Haller is at least getting some chances on target; Wilson looks like he has lost the ability to shoot all together. Does any striker in the league go through such ridiculous runs of feast or famine as the Bournemouth number 13?

The most damning thing you can say about these two right now is the players they have kept out of the Team of the Weak. Martial? A man whose reaction to a tough away fixture is hibernation. Aubameyang? A sham of a captain who is wandering around with a bored look in his eye. Maupay? A man who adopts a if I shoot literally every time I get the ball some of them will go in eventually policy? Andre Gray? Two goals all season. Jordan Ayew? A man who is… Jordan Ayew.

Shape up lads.

HM

*if anyone gets this reference I will donate £10 to a charity of their choice

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Eleven

HEATON (4.5 AVL) – It’s now 1 clean sheet in 8 matches for Villa and none in the last 6.  Heaton has hardly been responsible for that, but if Villa are going to stay up, he needs to roll back the years and produce some of the dare defying feats that used to rescue Burnley time and time again. He could help himself by organising his defence at set pieces better. Villa are 3^rd worst for conceding headed chances and behind only Norwich for conceding crosses. A staggering 255 at 23 per match so far.

Man their full backs are shit.

DIOP (4.5 WHU) – Like a drunken bull in a china shop, Issa Diop is currently showing the composure of Alex Iwobi faced with a simple pass. After 3 clean sheets in a row, West Ham have now shipped 10 goals in five and not won a match since week 4. Diop has been booked 4 times in his last 5 matches. West Ham might just be missing Fabianski… 

ANGELINO (4.7) – Allegedly a left back for Manchester fucking City, watching Angelino play against Southampton felt like Pep had given a local lad a run out for charity. Often afforded all the freedom of the Etihad, Angelino again and again had time and space to deliver telling final passes and failed with the efficiency of Network Rail. Just 3 of his 19 (nineteen) crosses found a man… one of which inexplicably resulted in a clumsy full back to full back goal that City barely deserved. I think Mendy’s place for most matches looks pretty safe after this performance…

CAHILL (4.5 CRY) – An in-form Leicester were always going to be a test for Crystal Palace, but the Foxes eased past them with the ease of a new-born baby to its mothers’ breast. Cahill and Tomkins were patchy throughout this match, their collective pass rate was less than 80% and they won just a third of their aerial duels. Cahill did not succeed with a single block, interception or tackle in 90 minutes. Hodgson’s loyalty to whoever is in his team at any point is legendary… it often seems the only way players are dropped is via injury or suspension. Martin Kelly may well be a versatile journeyman, but he has been statistically the club’s best defender in 2019. 

Palace play Cahill’s old club next, and the thought of Abraham, Mount and Pulisic running at his aging legs is a frightening thought. It’s time to put Kelly back in the team again Roy.

AARONS (4.4 NOR) – No headers, no clearances, no interceptions, no blocks. Can Max Aarons actually… you know… defend? Because that is supposed to be his job. 

Does he realise that? Does anybody at Norwich City realise that…

ERIKSEN (8.7 TOT) – But a few months ago Christian Eriksen was talked about as one of the best midfielders in world football. His problem, playing for Spurs, is that the 7 or 8 better clubs who he wanted to move to didn’t want him. His transfer stale mate has just turned stale full stop, and this has translated into form so desperate that it’s hard to now see how he will take the final step up to the top of the ladder that he craved. Eriksen, like Spurs, has been in appalling form this season. He has just one assist so far. One? This is a player who has 58 over 4 seasons. His Goal Involvement over that period has been one every 130 minutes. This season? It’s once every 350.

Eriksen played liked a child with a soiled nappy against Everton. He was shit from start to finish. His pass completion was 65% in the opponent’s half. Sixty five percent? That is bad for a pub player, let alone one of the finest passers of the ball in the league. He crossed the ball once all match. He created zero chances. 

Spurs look shot… the top four is there for Leicester’s taking.

RICHARLISON (7.9 EVE) – If Eriksen was the child with the dirty nappy, Richarlison was the baby who had lost its dummy. He spent 80% of the game on the ground and fluffed every chance that was presented to him. He only completed 2 out of every 3 passes, created nothing and should have been booked for simulation 137 times. The Spurs centre backs deserve medals for not assaulting him.

SALAH (12.3 LIV) – Mohammed Salah has yet to score away from home this season and left the field after barely an hour this weekend with his team trailing. Something is clearly not right and it’s not just his shooting boots. Liverpool have the best first XI in the league, but they don’t have the depth in their squad of City, or even Chelsea. Adam Lallana is not an adequate replacement for anyone. Not even the Adam Lallana of 2014. Liverpool are continuing to win matches by hook or crook, which is a great habit to have and a hard one to break. City are up next… and whilst games between rivals rarely feel like actual title deciders… this one might just be. The good news for Liverpool, is that on home turf Salah is a different beast. But they need him fully fit and firing on their travels if they are going to finally break their Premier League title duck.

CEBALLOS (5.4 ARS) – Paired with Mesut Ozil in a rare creative double up, Danni Ceballos faded away like a fart in the breeze.

MARTIAL (7.6 MUN) – In strong winds, heavy rain and on the south coast away from home… there are few footballers you would trust more to get to the job done than Anthony Martial. If I had a pound for every time somebody told me about the potential of the Frenchman I could buy him myself. Martial is the current number 9 at Manchester United and he needs to step up and step up now. His record of 37 goals in 119 appearances is nowhere near good enough. Even in the past two seasons it is still around 1 in 3 and it needs to be 1 in 2 to remotely justify keeping faith with him at this level. Not just that… but Martial seems to lack the effort or nous to make the great leap forward. He never looks for the ball in these sort of matches. He just wanders around and hopes for the best. You’ve just been bested by Steve Cook mate. Pull yourself together.

AYEW (5.1 CRY) – A scruffy looking nerf herder of a football, how is it that Jordan Ayew manages to look like he’s just been picked up from the local park each match. I mean, he fundamentally has to wear the same clothes as everyone else, yet still manages to look like he’s dressed up for a bonfire night no matter the weather. He’s also about as much use as firework with no fuse and all. I mean… Ayew is a terrible footballer. Does any club have worst strikers than Crystal Palace? Imagine having to choose between Ayew and Benteke every week. 

It’s like… what’s that… there’s another General Election?

Oh for fucks sake.

HM

p.s. If anyone wants to see how my FPL season is going... this video will tell you all you need to know... courtersy of the brilliant @SeekingDusan

https://www.captiongenerator.com/1563472/Hitler-Replicates-Hindu-Monkeys-FPL-Strategy