PICKFORD (5.6 EVE) – Everton might well be the new
Newcastle. You know, when Newcastle were always finishing around 7th
or 8th and continuously went on those huge runs of looking
unbeatable for three months and then absolutely pathetic for the same period
again. Everton literally may as well be managed by Alan Pardew at this point.
Jordan Pickford made no saves on Saturday and conceded twice
to a Sheffield United team who, according to their manager, “played terribly.”
Everton are in a rut and play Manchester City next.
Good god.
DAWSON (4.9 WAT) – Wanna know the best FPL stat so
far this season? The ENTIRE suite of Watford defenders have a total of 15
points between them in six weeks. Fifteen. That is less than Martin Kelly or
Neil Taylor have on their own.
Yes... that Neil Taylor.
Now winless in what feels like forever, Watford were 5 down
in 18 minutes against a rampant City and ended up on the back of a throwback 8-0
score line. Craig Dawson was bought in the summer to add nous and stability to
the back line. He has basically joined up with the club and called a referendum
on Brexit.
ENGELS & MINGS (4.5 & 4.6 AVL) – Losing 3-2
away to Arsenal is one thing, but losing 3-2 when you led twice, playing against
10 men for the entire second half, is quite another. Engels & Mings had a
second half horror show at the Emirates, barely able to complete a pass and directly
at fault for one of the goals. Both players have done okay this season, but they
have errors in them… and to quote the cliché… you will get punished in this
league.
To be frank, Villa are in a spot of trouble. They have not
had the hardest start yet have won a single game and are already in the
relegation zone. They have three winnable games up next against Burnley, Norwich
and Brighton. They have to get points and fast. After that they play 5 of last
seasons top 7 almost in a row.
The players need to show they belong at this level.
MAITLAND-NILES (5.1 ARS) – Maitland Niles has now
been sent off twice in his last seven starts. He remains a fine talent, but you
do wonder what Arsenal might look like once Bellerin and Tierney finally manage
to line up alongside these centre backs. Arsenal haven’t kept a clean sheet
since the opening day, and frankly having looked like doing so at any point. Is
there a player out there with broader shoulders than the peerless Aubameyang
right now? Without him Arsenal could conceivably be relegated, so meek is the
random assortment of characters behind him.
With him, they remain a shout for the top four. He really is
that good.
PEREIRA (5.0 MUN) – An amorphous blob of a
footballer, few players personify the stench of attacking mediocrity at
Manchester United than Andreas Pereira. Would he even get in a single other top
half team in the league? What exactly is he? He’s not a number 10, he’s not a
box to box midfielder, he’s not a winger. He can’t tackle, shoot, cross,
dribble and is almost certainly the kind of guy who benched Lundstrum this week
and got him coming in. He’s not even that young? He’s almost 24. What the
actual fuck is he doing at the club?
Utd had may as well play the kids at this point. At least
give them the experience of what it’s like to play for an apparently massive club
and get beaten every other fucking week.
ALMIRON (5.9 NEW) – Migeuel Almiron joined Newcastle
in January for what was then, a club record fee. He is an attacking midfielder
with pace to burn and “no end of talent,” according to his manager at the time,
Rafa Benítez. It is 9 months later… and he is still yet to score. Indeed, he
doesn’t seem to create either… he has generated just 2 chances all season for
his team mates despite starting every match. He is like a paper mâché version
of Zaha… who is himself a cardboard cut out of Leroy Sane.
Newcastle need him to do something. Anything. At some point.
Ever.
BOUFAL (5.5 SOU) – Boufal ghosted around the pitch against
the Bournemouth with all the menace of a drunk guinea pig. In truth the entirety
of Saint’s attack was like a meek crowd more likely to inherit relegation than
the earth. A flair player such as Boufal is always going to look worse than
others when it doesn’t go his way. It was hard to avoid putting Hojbjerg in
here, who was the subject of the commentator zinger “I think he gives the ball
away on purpose, just so he can try and win it back.” But Boufal just offered absolutely
nothing in terms of creativity or credible goal threat. He has only played 3 times
this season and has been tackled & dispossessed a staggering 22 times. What
the fuck?
BERNARD (6.5 EVE) – If this is the Team of the Weak
edition for useless wingers, than Bernard is well worth a spot. Doing absolutely
nothing has largely been the story of his Everton career to date, and Saturday
was no different. He created fuck all, didn’t even fire off a shot or even
attempt a cross. He has 2 goals and 4 assists in 2500 minutes for his club.
That is a goal involvement of once every seven hours. He’s like the guy
who turns up to a Batman convention as Val Kilmer.
WILLIAN (7.0 CHE) – 1 goal attempt, no completed crosses,
no chances created, 1 touch in the box, a barely 80% pass success rate… Willian
may have been playing Liverpool… but he was playing in space vacated by
overlapping full backs and time after time again did nothing with it. The Brazilian
is not short of ability, as one sumptuous cross field ball proved, but he
constantly looks mildly annoyed to be on the pitch. And not fired up annoyed
like Ashley Barnes… I mean like he has somewhere better to be annoyed. Where
that is, I have no idea; but Willian has long gone past his peak and is now
playing like a once cherished kids toy where the parents have refused to change
the batteries.
ABRAHAM (7.4 CHE) – Swinging sixes in the little
leagues, Tammy Abraham got his chance to prove he wasn’t just a flat track
bully against Liverpool on Sunday. He proved knack all. All told the Chelsea
striker had three clear sights of goal and spurned them all; the worst of which
was a whites of the eyes one on one when the score was still 1-0. Chelsea
continue to flatter to deceive at the moment, they have won just 2 of their
first 8 matches in all competitions and don’t seem to have any concept to what
a clean sheet is. They remain a shimmering enigma when going forward in full
flow, but this wasn’t their day… and it certainly wasn’t Abraham’s.
KEAN (6.7 EVE) – Resembling something that children
beg their adults to ride on Scarborough beach, Moise Kean’s hunt for a goal limped
forward again this weekend. Allegedly a centre forward, he had plenty of
chances to prove that he was against Sheffield United. He had 5 goal attempts,
4 of which were highly presentable opportunities within the box. He only hit
the target once. Indeed, thus far this season he has a shooting accuracy of just
11%.
To put that into perspective only Adams at Southampton is
even close to that… at 16%.
Kean is, on form, pound for pound, the worst striker
currently in the league.
He is a eunuch in a porn film.
HM
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