PATRICO (5.1 WOL) – Conceding 5 goals at home whilst making
but a single save is a pretty rum effort. The Portuguese stopper has often
flattered to deceive when I’ve watched him; and his main job on Saturday was to
continuously pick the ball out of his own net. Letting Tammy Abraham score a
hat trick and set off a wild internet debate about whether he was the “real
deal” or not hardly helped his cause. I mean, I don’t want to blame you Rui…
but…
SOKRATIS (5.0 ARS) - Sokratis has kept just 6 clean sheets
in the Premier League. He has conceded 45 goals in his last 28 matches playing
for a top six side and has been booked 14 times. He is, by every possible
definition of the phrase, not the answer.
And yet… here he is. Being coached and selected by a man who
continues to pick Granit Xhaka like he is the pawn in a hostage negotiation…
and whose answer to defensive frailties was buying David Luiz.
I like Emery. I like his commitment to passing football,
attacking flair, high full backs and dramatically slicked back hair. But at
what point does somebody politely tap him on the shoulder and say… Unai… mate…
do you actually know what defending is?
STONES & OTTAMENDI (5.4 MCI) – 1 tackle all match. Barely
a 50% success rate in headers, 2 big errors, no blocks or interceptions – these
are combined stats for the City back two; who looked like they didn’t even
know who each other were on the pitch. The silly thing is that Norwich really
didn’t have many attacks. 5 all game really… of moments when the City defence
really had to do what they’re paid to… and in every single one they failed.
Norwich scored 3, won the game and one of the great league shocks was complete.
Pep might point to missed chances from his strikers, but with Laporte out for
months and Kompany long left, answers need to be found at the other end of the
pitch and fast. For the greater good Pep… for the greater good.
COADY (5.0 WOL) – Pricing the Wolves defence at 5-6m this
season remains quite possibly the lowest moment in the history of the FPL random
number generator. Last season’s achievement already looks a distant feat and
with the Europa in full flow, Santo needs to manage a small squad carefully to
avoid ruining all his good work over the past two years. Connor Coady, the
captain, had a desperate game here. He made 1 header, 0 interceptions, 0 blocks
and failed with a staggering 60% of his tackles as he was dribbled round more
times than Virgil Van Dijk has been in his career.
Right now Wolves are less big… and more bad.
DELPH (5.4 EVE) – When Delph screamed “everyone is fucking
shit” in Everton’s meek surrender to Bournemouth, one assumes he was including
himself. After all, he had just committed what was to be his 726th
foul at that point… and went on to misplace 20% of his passes before
essentially scoring an own goal and costing his team a point. When you’re the
worst midfielder in a partnership that includes Morgan Schneiderlin, it’s time
to reach for the cyanide.
TIELEMANS & MADDISON (6.4/7.1 LEI) – Up against an
ailing United, Leicester instead huffed and puffed but never really came close
to blowing down the Old Trafford straw house. Their two creators in chief, were
especially poor. Maddison is one of those players who is starting to tread a
thin line between being an artistic number 10 and simply “busy.” Tielemans meanwhile
has started the season almost as poorly as Ayoze Perez… now a forgotten twig drifting
inexorably toward open water.
“Madz and Tiels” between them managed to create 0 chances, play 0 through balls, put in 0 successful crosses and had but a single credible shot, which De Gea saved. Excrement.
“Madz and Tiels” between them managed to create 0 chances, play 0 through balls, put in 0 successful crosses and had but a single credible shot, which De Gea saved. Excrement.
ZAHA (6.8 CRY) – After pushing for a summer move and being
told he can only leave for the combined cost of Neymar, Messi & Pele, the
Ivorian has started the season with all the credibility of a get rich Bit Coin
app. He has so far failed with almost half of all his dribbles, and seems to
now regard passing as something that only lesser players do. He has created just
2 chances all season for his team mates, and didn’t even attempt a single cross
or assist on Saturday. Hell, he only played one successful final 3rd
pass in the entire match.
Palace need more from him. Even if he is incarcerated on just £6.76m per year.
Palace need more from him. Even if he is incarcerated on just £6.76m per year.
GUNDOGAN (5.3 MCI) – The third little Manchester City piggy
that finds his way into this week’s team; the key questions is what exactly
does Gundogan bring to Man City? He’s clearly a fine player, but in a squad littered
with talent he often seems like a watered-down version of everyone else. Against
Norwich he was a passenger. A vacuum. A man perhaps playing a match in a parallel
universe which nobody could see. His stats read like a broken binary code.
Dribbles, penalty touches, chances created, attempts,
tackles, headers won, recoveries, xG
0 0 1 0 0 0 1 0.
He made Rodrigo look good. Rodrigo was not good. He was
absolutely awful.
WOOD (3.9 BUR) – 2 touches in the box, 1 attempt (not on
target), just 4 successful passes all match (four??), dispossessed twice and
with a combined xG/xA now so low it’s statistically improbable that he will
return points anytime soon.
Ladies & Gentleman. Chris Wood is broken.
Not a bit. Not in two. But into a million little pieces.
HM
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