Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Six

PICKFORD (5.6 EVE) – Everton might well be the new Newcastle. You know, when Newcastle were always finishing around 7^th or 8^th and continuously went on those huge runs of looking unbeatable for three months and then absolutely pathetic for the same period again. Everton literally may as well be managed by Alan Pardew at this point. 

Jordan Pickford made no saves on Saturday and conceded twice to a Sheffield United team who, according to their manager, “played terribly.” Everton are in a rut and play Manchester City next.

Good god.

DAWSON (4.9 WAT) – Wanna know the best FPL stat so far this season? The ENTIRE suite of Watford defenders have a total of 15 points between them in six weeks. Fifteen. That is less than Martin Kelly or Neil Taylor have on their own.

Yes... that Neil Taylor. 

Now winless in what feels like forever, Watford were 5 down in 18 minutes against a rampant City and ended up on the back of a throwback 8-0 score line. Craig Dawson was bought in the summer to add nous and stability to the back line. He has basically joined up with the club and called a referendum on Brexit.

ENGELS & MINGS (4.5 & 4.6 AVL) – Losing 3-2 away to Arsenal is one thing, but losing 3-2 when you led twice, playing against 10 men for the entire second half, is quite another. Engels & Mings had a second half horror show at the Emirates, barely able to complete a pass and directly at fault for one of the goals. Both players have done okay this season, but they have errors in them… and to quote the cliché… you will get punished in this league.

To be frank, Villa are in a spot of trouble. They have not had the hardest start yet have won a single game and are already in the relegation zone. They have three winnable games up next against Burnley, Norwich and Brighton. They have to get points and fast. After that they play 5 of last seasons top 7 almost in a row. 

The players need to show they belong at this level.

MAITLAND-NILES (5.1 ARS) – Maitland Niles has now been sent off twice in his last seven starts. He remains a fine talent, but you do wonder what Arsenal might look like once Bellerin and Tierney finally manage to line up alongside these centre backs. Arsenal haven’t kept a clean sheet since the opening day, and frankly having looked like doing so at any point. Is there a player out there with broader shoulders than the peerless Aubameyang right now? Without him Arsenal could conceivably be relegated, so meek is the random assortment of characters behind him.

With him, they remain a shout for the top four. He really is that good.

PEREIRA (5.0 MUN) – An amorphous blob of a footballer, few players personify the stench of attacking mediocrity at Manchester United than Andreas Pereira. Would he even get in a single other top half team in the league? What exactly is he? He’s not a number 10, he’s not a box to box midfielder, he’s not a winger. He can’t tackle, shoot, cross, dribble and is almost certainly the kind of guy who benched Lundstrum this week and got him coming in. He’s not even that young? He’s almost 24. What the actual fuck is he doing at the club?

Utd had may as well play the kids at this point. At least give them the experience of what it’s like to play for an apparently massive club and get beaten every other fucking week.

ALMIRON (5.9 NEW) – Migeuel Almiron joined Newcastle in January for what was then, a club record fee. He is an attacking midfielder with pace to burn and “no end of talent,” according to his manager at the time, Rafa Benítez. It is 9 months later… and he is still yet to score. Indeed, he doesn’t seem to create either… he has generated just 2 chances all season for his team mates despite starting every match. He is like a paper mâché version of Zaha… who is himself a cardboard cut out of Leroy Sane.

Newcastle need him to do something. Anything. At some point. Ever.

BOUFAL (5.5 SOU) – Boufal ghosted around the pitch against the Bournemouth with all the menace of a drunk guinea pig. In truth the entirety of Saint’s attack was like a meek crowd more likely to inherit relegation than the earth. A flair player such as Boufal is always going to look worse than others when it doesn’t go his way. It was hard to avoid putting Hojbjerg in here, who was the subject of the commentator zinger “I think he gives the ball away on purpose, just so he can try and win it back.” But Boufal just offered absolutely nothing in terms of creativity or credible goal threat. He has only played 3 times this season and has been tackled & dispossessed a staggering 22 times. What the fuck?

BERNARD (6.5 EVE) – If this is the Team of the Weak edition for useless wingers, than Bernard is well worth a spot. Doing absolutely nothing has largely been the story of his Everton career to date, and Saturday was no different. He created fuck all, didn’t even fire off a shot or even attempt a cross. He has 2 goals and 4 assists in 2500 minutes for his club. That is a goal involvement of once every seven hours. He’s like the guy who turns up to a Batman convention as Val Kilmer.

WILLIAN (7.0 CHE) – 1 goal attempt, no completed crosses, no chances created, 1 touch in the box, a barely 80% pass success rate… Willian may have been playing Liverpool… but he was playing in space vacated by overlapping full backs and time after time again did nothing with it. The Brazilian is not short of ability, as one sumptuous cross field ball proved, but he constantly looks mildly annoyed to be on the pitch. And not fired up annoyed like Ashley Barnes… I mean like he has somewhere better to be annoyed. Where that is, I have no idea; but Willian has long gone past his peak and is now playing like a once cherished kids toy where the parents have refused to change the batteries.

ABRAHAM (7.4 CHE) – Swinging sixes in the little leagues, Tammy Abraham got his chance to prove he wasn’t just a flat track bully against Liverpool on Sunday. He proved knack all. All told the Chelsea striker had three clear sights of goal and spurned them all; the worst of which was a whites of the eyes one on one when the score was still 1-0. Chelsea continue to flatter to deceive at the moment, they have won just 2 of their first 8 matches in all competitions and don’t seem to have any concept to what a clean sheet is. They remain a shimmering enigma when going forward in full flow, but this wasn’t their day… and it certainly wasn’t Abraham’s.

KEAN (6.7 EVE) – Resembling something that children beg their adults to ride on Scarborough beach, Moise Kean’s hunt for a goal limped forward again this weekend. Allegedly a centre forward, he had plenty of chances to prove that he was against Sheffield United. He had 5 goal attempts, 4 of which were highly presentable opportunities within the box. He only hit the target once. Indeed, thus far this season he has a shooting accuracy of just 11%.

To put that into perspective only Adams at Southampton is even close to that… at 16%. 

Kean is, on form, pound for pound, the worst striker currently in the league.

He is a eunuch in a porn film.

HM

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Five

PATRICO (5.1 WOL) – Conceding 5 goals at home whilst making but a single save is a pretty rum effort. The Portuguese stopper has often flattered to deceive when I’ve watched him; and his main job on Saturday was to continuously pick the ball out of his own net. Letting Tammy Abraham score a hat trick and set off a wild internet debate about whether he was the “real deal” or not hardly helped his cause. I mean, I don’t want to blame you Rui… but…

SOKRATIS (5.0 ARS) - Sokratis has kept just 6 clean sheets in the Premier League. He has conceded 45 goals in his last 28 matches playing for a top six side and has been booked 14 times. He is, by every possible definition of the phrase, not the answer.

And yet… here he is. Being coached and selected by a man who continues to pick Granit Xhaka like he is the pawn in a hostage negotiation… and whose answer to defensive frailties was buying David Luiz.

I like Emery. I like his commitment to passing football, attacking flair, high full backs and dramatically slicked back hair. But at what point does somebody politely tap him on the shoulder and say… Unai… mate… do you actually know what defending is?

STONES & OTTAMENDI (5.4 MCI) – 1 tackle all match. Barely a 50% success rate in headers, 2 big errors, no blocks or interceptions – these are combined stats for the City back two; who looked like they didn’t even know who each other were on the pitch. The silly thing is that Norwich really didn’t have many attacks. 5 all game really… of moments when the City defence really had to do what they’re paid to… and in every single one they failed. Norwich scored 3, won the game and one of the great league shocks was complete. Pep might point to missed chances from his strikers, but with Laporte out for months and Kompany long left, answers need to be found at the other end of the pitch and fast. For the greater good Pep… for the greater good.

COADY (5.0 WOL) – Pricing the Wolves defence at 5-6m this season remains quite possibly the lowest moment in the history of the FPL random number generator. Last season’s achievement already looks a distant feat and with the Europa in full flow, Santo needs to manage a small squad carefully to avoid ruining all his good work over the past two years. Connor Coady, the captain, had a desperate game here. He made 1 header, 0 interceptions, 0 blocks and failed with a staggering 60% of his tackles as he was dribbled round more times than Virgil Van Dijk has been in his career.

Right now Wolves are less big… and more bad.

DELPH (5.4 EVE) – When Delph screamed “everyone is fucking shit” in Everton’s meek surrender to Bournemouth, one assumes he was including himself. After all, he had just committed what was to be his 726^th foul at that point… and went on to misplace 20% of his passes before essentially scoring an own goal and costing his team a point. When you’re the worst midfielder in a partnership that includes Morgan Schneiderlin, it’s time to reach for the cyanide.

TIELEMANS & MADDISON (6.4/7.1 LEI) – Up against an ailing United, Leicester instead huffed and puffed but never really came close to blowing down the Old Trafford straw house. Their two creators in chief, were especially poor. Maddison is one of those players who is starting to tread a thin line between being an artistic number 10 and simply “busy.” Tielemans meanwhile has started the season almost as poorly as Ayoze Perez… now a forgotten twig drifting inexorably toward open water.

“Madz and Tiels” between them managed to create 0 chances, play 0 through balls, put in 0 successful crosses and had but a single credible shot, which De Gea saved. Excrement.

ZAHA (6.8 CRY) – After pushing for a summer move and being told he can only leave for the combined cost of Neymar, Messi & Pele, the Ivorian has started the season with all the credibility of a get rich Bit Coin app. He has so far failed with almost half of all his dribbles, and seems to now regard passing as something that only lesser players do. He has created just 2 chances all season for his team mates, and didn’t even attempt a single cross or assist on Saturday. Hell, he only played one successful final 3^rd pass in the entire match.

Palace need more from him. Even if he is incarcerated on just £6.76m per year.

GUNDOGAN (5.3 MCI) – The third little Manchester City piggy that finds his way into this week’s team; the key questions is what exactly does Gundogan bring to Man City? He’s clearly a fine player, but in a squad littered with talent he often seems like a watered-down version of everyone else. Against Norwich he was a passenger. A vacuum. A man perhaps playing a match in a parallel universe which nobody could see. His stats read like a broken binary code. 

Dribbles, penalty touches, chances created, attempts, tackles, headers won, recoveries, xG

0 0 1 0 0 0 1 0. 

He made Rodrigo look good. Rodrigo was not good. He was absolutely awful.

WOOD (3.9 BUR) – 2 touches in the box, 1 attempt (not on target), just 4 successful passes all match (four??), dispossessed twice and with a combined xG/xA now so low it’s statistically improbable that he will return points anytime soon.

Ladies & Gentleman. Chris Wood is broken.

Not a bit. Not in two. But into a million little pieces.

HM

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey