Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Seven

Kepa (CHE 5.5) – Stealing his way into the team despite not having a Premier League fixture – extraordinary acts require extraordinary consequences. Normally keeping a clean sheet for 120 minutes against Manchester City would be worthy of nothing but respect – but then with seconds left of the fixture Kepa reacted to being substituted by… well… just flat out refusing. In ridiculous scenes that lasted a full two minutes, manager and keeper hurled comments at each other before Sarri cancelled the substitution, stormed down the tunnel and then came back out to watch his keeper help lose the penalty shootout. 

In truth I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed something like this in over 30 years of watching the game – so it’s hard what to think beyond the obvious soundbite that player power has now reached new levels of farce. More so, as is likely, that Sarri loses his job this week whilst Kepa continues to play for Chelsea unpunished.

Chelsea have played down the incident as a “misunderstanding” – which even if taken at face value, raises the question of how the correct message wasn’t relayed to the keeper at the time. Namely that the manager wanted a famed penalty saver, complete with unique knowledge of City’s takers, to step up for the shootout. No Chelsea player stood up and took responsibility, not least the captain. David Luiz appeared to encourage Kepa to stay on.

Chelsea now find themselves without a trophy, with a 2 window transfer ban and having to finish above both Arsenal and Man Utd, or win the Europa league to make a success of this season. They have a broken squad, a manager on the brink and their next fixture is Spurs.

In the words of Lord Buckethead. It will be… a shit show.

Morrison (CAR 4.7) – Coming back from injury perhaps quicker than his manager would have liked; Morrison was pressed into action on Saturday and looked exactly like someone who hadn’t played for a month. Torn an anal fissure by Gerard Deolofeu; Morrison and Cardiff were blown away by this slick, vibrant Watford team.

Aurier (TOT 5.8) – An absolute sham of a wing back – Aurier is both woeful defensively and as an attacking outlet. His pace and power means that he often finds himself in the right positions, but then doesn’t quite seem to know what to do when he’s there. “Looking up” appears words that remain alien to him – instead preferring to cross blindly and hope for the best. He’s basically a non-vegan Bellerin.

You have the league’s best right back right there Poch – stop fucking rotating him, he’s not a pensioner – he can cope.

Ream (FUL 4.2) – An embarrassment of a performance even by Fulham’s shocking standards. Ream won no tackles, no blocks and cleared the ball once in 90 minutes playing at centre back. He was literally a passenger.

Foyth (TOT 5.0) – Youthful impudence could politely be used to describe young Foyth’s ridiculous tackle that only got him a yellow. Dragged shortly after, the Argentine had been on the pitch for 76 minutes and boasted a guttural pass completion rate of 68%. That’s bad for Alexis Sanchez, let alone a centre back who mostly has to play it 5 yards. On top of this, Foyth won zero tackles, made zero interceptions and won less than half of his headers.

To put it another, more simple way. He was bollocks.

Salah (LIV 13.6) – 6 penalty area touches, 1 shot, 1 successful dribble the entire match and only receiving a pass every 3.3 minutes… it would be fair to see that Salah was marked out of the game on Sunday by the excellent Luke Shaw. It would also be fair to say that the league’s best player has to stop going completely missing in the big matches. These are the games where markers are laid down… where seasons are won and lost… and Salah has thus far scored in just 1 of the 8 matches he’s played this season against the big six.

More than that though, his work ethic whilst far from poor (or say… Willian) – was incomparable to some of the United attackers (Rashford, Pogba, Sanchez when he came on). He didn’t look hungry and it’s a valid criticism to observe that his head drops too easily when the game is tough.

If Liverpool are going to stop themselves falling short of the title yet again, and with Firmino leaving the ground on crutches, Salah needs to step up and carry his team over the line.

Anderson (WHU 7.2) – Wandering around like Leroy Sane’s unsuccessful understudy – few players seem to exude so little fucks given as Anderson. At times this can work to his favour – his change of pace is breath-taking and he often strays into fantastic positions rarely seen by either team mates or the opposition. Presumably because they think he might have fallen asleep.

Against a rancid Fulham team however, Anderson did nothing to step up and take the game to the opposition. Instead he strolled around casually making easy balls and trotted off with 15 minutes left without breaking sweat.

Paterson (CAR 5.0) – Looking like a man who can’t wait for half time to have a cigarette and a can of Skol, Paterson has been fantastic for Cardiff this season… but not this weekend. This was rum stuff. Paterson looked drunk.

Over the course of 90 minutes he completed just 44% of his 32 passes. Quite literally helping the opposition more than his own team. Rubbish.

Son (TOT 9.0) – One of the players of the season, Son had no answers to the puzzles posed by the Burnley defence. His face at times the picture of a man silently screaming “please… will anybody give me a week off?”

See you again in 48 hours kid.

Lukaku (MUN 10.7) – Despite helping his side to a well-earned, injury ravaged point; this was a game which highlighted the limitations of Lukaku’s game. Asked to play wide to cater for Rashford’s injury, Lukaku looked like he had climbed Everest as the match entered its final few minutes. Whilst he possesses a decent understanding of the game, Lukaku’s first touch is now so comically bad that you wonder at what point he will start naturally allowing for it. It’s often impossible to tell whether short passes were actually attempts to trap the ball.

With Rashford almost certainly out and half the rest of the squad on its knees… United need Lukaku to rediscover his old, youthful self or risk missing out on the top four after doing everything to get back into contention.

No pressure lad. But, you know... you did cost rather a lot like.

Depoitre (HUD 5.1) – 18 hours without a goal. There comes a point when players should have the position of “striker” removed for them by trading standards.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Six

Ryan (4.4 BHA) – Another defeat, this time at home and Brighton suddenly find themselves looking over their shoulder at the relegation zone. David Button performed well whilst Ryan was at the Asian Cup, and it was a slight surprise that the Australian was instantly recalled and not given a break. His form has been patchy all season and he was poor again here. Brighton can’t afford to concede three goals in any game, let alone at home, such is the porosity of their attack. The seagulls have scored just 28 goals all season, 18 of which have come from Glen Murray and their centre backs. Chris Hughton has done a fine job on the south coast, but now he needs his team to show their true colours.

Kolasinac (5.0 ARS) – A rollercoaster of a performance with an assist, a booking and an own goal, few players personify Arsenal as much as Kolasinac. 100% for effort, 10% for nous. A force of nature when in full flow, like an Eastern European Micah Richards circa 2006-2008. Sadly whilst it’s great to see him in the final third, it’s also great for opposition attackers, who have a sea of space to exploit with no Arsenal player often within 20 yards to cover. Defensively he’s essentially Micah Richards circa 2016-2018. Completely and utterly absent.

Odoi (4.4 FUL) – This week’s token Fulham spot goes to Denis Odoi, who’s standard ineptitude helped Manchester United to another three points without even getting out of 3^rd gear. Positionally weak and with a pass completion of barely 70%, Odoi also thought it was a good idea to continue to show Martial inside on his stronger foot. Which, you know, worked out quite well for him.

Alonso (6.5 CHE) – It’s hard to believe that Marcos Alonso actually won a title, so badly has he been found out defensively this season. Nobody continues to do square pegs in round holes like Sarri is doing. Setting up almost every player in a formation that doesn’t play to their strengths. It’s so perverse at this point that it’s like a man directing a bad porn movie. 

Alonso was woeful against City. He was given a 20 minute lesson from which, by rights, he should never be allowed to recover. He won a single tackle and a single header all match. He is shit. Chelsea were fucking shit. A flat out embarrassment to the club. They have lost their last 3 away games 12-0 and utterly surrendered their top 4 place to a team who were 12 points behind 2 months ago. 

The sight of some of their fans chanting at the end that Liverpool wouldn’t win the league summing up everything that is wrong with this horrific, poisonous football club.

Cook (4.4 BOU) – I included Steve Cook last week and saw nothing against Liverpool to convince me to make him a permanent member until further notice. Cook is too slow, too shit and too old to play at this level. He needs putting out to pasture.

Looks up Cook’s actual age

Hold on. He’s only 27? What the actual fuck? How hard a childhood did this guy have…

Sigurdsson (7.5 EVE) – 1 goal in 8 matches and 3 assists all season. Sigurdsson is a 50m player bought to be the creative hub of a team built to put pressure on the top 6. He was outplayed by Will Hughes. Silva is on borrowed time.

Barkley (5.1 CHE) – From the current Everton number 10, to the old one. Two awful errors, one of which resulted in a goal, Ross Barkley used to be politely called inconsistent; but even that seems generous now. It doesn’t help that Sarri insists on him and Kovacic being essentially one player who are contractually bound to never be on the same pitch together. It also doesn’t help that inside left has never been his position. It helps even less that he has the least bothered front three ahead of him in decades. But even with those asteroid sized caveats… Ross Barkley is 25 years old and probably never going to be a great player after all. Or on this evidence, even a good one.

McArthur (4.8 CRY) – An absolute howler of a miss sees McArthur sit proudly amongst the anointed this week. In truth, it probably wasn’t quite as bad as Sergio Aguero’s. But you know… he then went and scored a hat trick.

Why Sergio… why do you continue to punish me so…

Ozil (8.0 ARS) – Appearing in this team as opposed to his actual one, is quite possible the most Ozil thing ever. But I feel compelled to ask at this stage… what on earth is going on here? 

Mesut Ozil has started just 4 of the last 14 Arsenal matches. He hasn’t started an away game since Crystal Palace back in October. When he has started, he has often been made captain. He is the highest paid player in the club and even if he’s on his way out in the summer ala Ramsey, why not play him given the absolute barren pit of creativity which is Arsenal’s current spine?

The vague rhetoric from the manager about him is only adding to the confusion. This is a player who averages a goal or an assist every 140 minutes. Who creates a chance every 25 minutes he’s on the pitch. Fair weather he might be, but when the sun is shining Ozil remains one of the game’s great creators. Arsenal only just beat Huddersfield, the worst team to play in this league for five years… and if they don’t get the top four there will be some serious and legitimate questions asked about, ultimately, what the point of Unai Emery is.

Deeney (5.9 WAT) – Troy Deeney is the captain of a team who are 8^th in the table, have shrugged off multiple managers and have now firmly established themselves as a worthy member of the new Premier League order. Troy Deeney has also failed to return a goal or an assist in 17 of his last 19 matches. 

What the fuck does Andre Gray have to do to start a football match?

Long (4.7 SOU) – If football matches finished after 85 minutes, Saint’s would be mid-table. But they don’t... and a habit that looked like it had been kicked post Marc Hughes, returned to brutal effect this weekend. If Jack Stephens was entirely to blame for Cardiff’s winner – he did at least score a goal moments before. It was Stephen’s 3^rd goal in the past 2 years. The same number as Shane Long. Who is a striker.

Shane Long has 6 goals in 3 years of football. He has 6 goals for his last one hundred shots on goal. A conversion rate that my 6 year old could work out.

Keen for new ways to mock one of the most laughable characters of league football… I checked the stats to see which strikers had a worse conversion rate over their last 100 shots.

Nobody. There is nobody.

Okay so there’s Christian Benteke who is pretty close on 8%… and is actually worse over the past 12 months. But going back 100 shots in the last 3 years of the Premier League there aren’t any other players even in single figures.

The collective filth that is Joselu and Rondon manage to scrape to 10%. Mounie? 10%. Morata. 13%.

So to finish… here’s a question…

Which striker in the Premier League has the best goal conversion rate (25%) from their last 100 shots?

Winner gets… er… I dunno. Brexit.

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Five

Lossl (4.4 HUD) - Huddersfield have not scored in 4 games – which tends to put pressure on a defence that was pretty average to begin with. Lossl has conceded 9 goals in the last three matches and his performance against Chelsea was the equivalent of waving a white flag as the ball sailed past him again… and again… and again. Huddersfield need to be put out of their misery.

Le Marchand (4.2 FUL) – Averaging 2.5 goals conceded every time he takes to the field, the Fulham full back is one of the worst defenders ever to have set foot in the Premier League. Lacking the near vital skill of tackling is always a big red flag, but Le Marchand also possesses the positional sense of a Tiger, adrift on a small boat in the middle of a pacific. Does anyone even remember at this point that Claudio Ranieri is actually the manager of Fulham? I literally forgot they bothered to change their coach half way through this absolute car crash of a season.

Lichtsteiner (4.5 ARS) – From adrift with Richard Parker to being mauled by Raheem Sterling – the England international tore apart the aging Swiss right back in one of the most haunting miss-matches of modern times. Somehow Manchester City only scored 1 goal in a second half display where 6 or 7 wouldn’t have flattered them. I know Bellerin is out for a long time with veganism, but sending this guy out to deal with the pace of City was more painful than Blackadder going over the top.

Keane (4.9 EVE) - Now more comfortable in this team than his own, it’s hard to fathom the complete and utter collapse of Michael Keane’s career. Moving from Burnley for 25m, 2 years ago, the move made sense for everyone. Burnley got a great fee for a player in a position they had strength and Everton had signed a young, English back who looked the perfect long term replacement for Phil Jagielka. Keane now looks completely shot. He seems to have lost all mobility and his positional sense is so absent I often find myself just starring at him… wondering where me might possibly go next.

Silva is in trouble – make no mistake about that. Whilst Everton aren’t expected to be in the top six, they should certainly be putting pressure on it. They were battered at home by a newly promoted team and are now only 2 points off 12^th. 

It’s alright Michael… you’ve got Sergio Aguero next. Something to look forward to there.

Cook (4.4 BOU) – Oh Bournemouth – is there a harder to predict team in league history? How on earth can you beat Chelsea 4-0 one week and lose 2-0 to Cardiff the next? What on earth was Steve Cook thinking when he handled the ball? The Cherries skipper’s performances are as fair weather as anyone’s nowadays. Eddie Howe rightfully questioned his team’s mentality after the match… he could start by giving his other centre back the captaincy and installing a work ethic that doesn’t seem to be pre-determined by a wheel of fortune before the match.

Torreira (4.8 ARS) – Fair from solely to blame for Arsenal’s tactical naivety and second half collapse, Torreira was nonetheless a shower of steaming, seven day old shit against Manchester City. Bought to add bite as well as bark to the brittle Arsenal core – here he offered mere playful yaps as the farcically talented midfield quartet of City danced around him.

I mean… seriously Pep… Fern, Gundo, Bernando, KDB and Silva all in the middle of the park at once? That’s just not cricket lad. Have a fucking heart.

Not least to those poor twats who triple captained Leroy fucking Sane.

Davies (5.1 EVE) – I questioned the first team opportunities of both Davies and Lookman earlier in the season. Both were struggling for game time and I felt their energy could push Everton forward. Well, Tom Davies has now been on the football pitch for 13 hours this season and has achieved precisely zero goal involvement. He looks bereft of confidence and with no clear idea as to his role.

Answers on a postcard to a Mr M.Silva, Goodison Park.

Walcott (6.0 EVE) – I won’t labour this point too much. Theo Walcott is a man who has confounded football fans for a decade with general awfulness offset by a goal involvement ratio that was up there with the greats. Indeed, when Walcott smashed in two goals for Everton back in August he brought his average to a goal/assist every 133 minutes over a 13 year career.

Since then, he has scored 1 goal in 1400 minutes.

Or to put it another way. You could fly to New Zealand and watch Theo Walcott play in 21 matches back to back and only see him score once.

Christ… and people say Climate Change is a nightmare.

Sanchez (10.0 ARS) – 3 goals in 25 matches is probably not what anybody expected when United signed Sanchez 12 months ago. In and out of the team, never once finding even a semblance of the form he showed at Arsenal, the Chilean got another chance to show that he deserves a place in the Manchester front line… and fluffed his audition yet again. In truth, one now takes little pleasure in pointing out Sanchez’ shortcomings. He can no longer move with either the speed or dexterity that he once could. His body seems to have aged 10 years, not 1, since that fateful transfer. The problem with Sanchez is that energy was absolutely key to his game… and without it he’s just not good enough of a footballer to adapt. 

Recall his peak performances. Were they the result of 2 or 3 moments of genius a la an Aguero or Kane? Were they the result of dictating the ebb and flow of a match through passing and movement like a Xavi or Silva. No… they were games where his hunger and involvement were near total. He kept going. He never gave up. Sanchez at Arsenal (and often his country) was the embodiment of the phrase if at first you don’t succeed try and try again. His passing stats have always been awful. His lost possession ones even worse. But he kept coming back for more and often, by sheer force of will, he would eventually score.

Neil Young once wrote “it’s better to burn out, then to fade away.” 

Right now, it somehow feels that Sanchez is doing both.

Deeney (5.9 WAT) – Brighton v Watford was a very average game of football that saw two terrible performances from the number 9s in contrasting ways. First up is big Troy Deeney. A man who when even on the fringes of a contest as much as this one, could never truly be called invisible. 11 touches in the final third all match with just 3 in the box, Troy did at least manage to fire off a couple of shots. Neither of which were remotely on target.

Terrible.

Locadia (5.3 BHA) – By contrast, Locadia was much more involved and much of the reason why Brighton didn’t walk away with three points was down to the finishing of both himself and Shane Duffy, who continues his strange role as Brighton’s most dangerous player in both boxes.

Locadia meanwhile had 5 shots, 4 from within the penalty area and at least 2 of which were whites of the eyes chances that he fluffed like an unlucky work experience kid who’s stumbled onto a porn set.

And nobody had a happy ending.

Unless you captained Aguero obviously.

You unimaginable bastards.

HM. 

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey