5 Things We’ve Learnt from the Premier League this Season – the Festive Update

As the dust settles on the first half of the season, with Liverpool at the summit and Huddersfield at the foot, the Monkey casts his eye over the key talking points thus far.

The title is now Liverpool’s to lose, not City’s to win

7 points clear going into a head to head match up, Jurgen Klopp’s side remain unbeaten and the favourites to win their first Premier League title. Liverpool have been here before though – twice in recent times – and it is up to Klopp and his talented side to silence the critics and lose the bottlers tab once and for all. City are no strangers to a wobble, and after starting the season like a steam train now look like a side who lack the key parts to get going again. Put simply, they must beat Liverpool on Thursday evening to put themselves back in this title race. It’s hard to see how Pool would lose 3-4 games against all the other teams in the league – which is realistically what would need to happen if City fail to beat them. 

Whilst Salah is back to his thrilling, rapier best – there is no doubt that the key man this season has been Virgil Van Dijk. The Dutch colossus is the player of the year elect and if Liverpool can keep him injury free, it would be an almighty shock from here were they not to prevail come May. They have conceded just 8 goals in 20 matches and indeed, you could double their goals against column… and they would still have the league’s best defence. Van Dijk possesses the energy of Vidic, the leadership of Terry and the talent of Ramos. He is the best centre back the league has seen since his compatriot Jaap Stam. Indeed, much like Stam, Van Dijk has been under-rated until this point. The former Manchester United player is rarely remembered when people list the great defenders of the past 20 years – but before his falling out with Ferguson he won six trophies in three seasons and was, on his day, almost unbeatable. 

After Gerrard’s slip, the collapse at Crystal Palace and Rafa’s meltdown… Liverpool dare not lose it from here again. 

They can conquer who believe they can.

Liverpool must now, finally, believe.

Ole is not the Messiah, Jose was just a very naughty boy

Three wins, 12 goals and all is well again at Old Trafford. With the title well gone, the United hierarchy finally put both Mourinho and the fans out of their collective misery and decided to let an old boy put the fun back into the club for a few months. The big decisions for United are yet to come however.

There were mitigating circumstances for Jose’s now obligatory third season collapse, and there is little doubt that many of the problems at United stem all the way up to the board and owners. But despite that, the sheer and relenting negativity – both on and off the pitch – was ill befitting a club of any stature, let alone this one. Jose should have been sacked in October when it was clear he had lost the dressing room.

Solskjaer has put smiles back on faces, not least his own, but he is not the long term solution and United need to get both the Director of Football and Manager roles exactly right. With Liverpool and City looking as strong as they are, and the chances of prising Pochettino away from his loyal young bucks looking unlikely at best – United can ill afford another misstep.

Relegation battle? More like a pea shooter fight.

The bottom half of the table makes desperate reading. Less of a battle, more a group of toddlers dumped in the middle of a forest and asked to escape. From 13^th down we have 8 teams who, by rights, probably all deserve to be relegated.

Brighton lead the way. Who have had both their centre backs sent off this season, have a 45 year old pensioner up front and their best player from last season still yet to turn up to this one.

Palace and Newcastle rarely score, a by-product of having played much of the season without an actual striker.  They have less points between them than Arsenal. And aren’t even in the relegation zone.

Cardiff City staying up would be one of the league’s greatest ever stories – were it not for the fact that they could conceivable do so with about 28 points.

Southampton can’t defend, or shoot without Danny Ings. Burnley are having one of those seasons when everything goes wrong, all of the time – although seem to have finally come to the decision of many clubs before them – that Joe Hart isn’t… and never was… the answer.

All of which leaves Fulham – who are an absolute mess, all be it marginally better with Raineri now in charge – and Huddersfield – who have 10 points.

10. After 20 games. And are somehow still only 2 wins away from safety.

Can we relegate 6 teams this year? The Championship doesn’t deserve these teams… let alone the Premier League.

Wolves the lone carnivore in a field of herbivores.

Currently lying in 7^th spot, there is little doubt that thus far Wolves have been the pick of the clubs beneath the royalty that lines the top six. Defensively solid and quick through midfield, they have also been the only team capable of spoiling the party. They have beaten Spurs and Chelsea and drawn with United, Arsenal and City. With a talented manager and young squad, they could well threaten even higher up next year if they invest correctly in the summer.

It seems harsh to pick on a striker who has scored 6 and made 6 so far, but Raul Jimenez is far from the finished article and it’s tempting to wonder how good this side could become if they had attackers who could… well… actually shoot.

Wolves have rotated but their first choice front three of Jimenez, Jota and Costa have just 9 goals between them after 20 games. They have had 107 shots of which only 35 have even been on target. Indeed only Southampton & Palace have a worse shot to goal conversion rate this season – and both of those are skewed by the amount of long range efforts their trigger happy midfielders fire in.

Wolves could do worse than stick Doherty up front.

No wait… he already is. My bad.

The Golden Boot will go down to the wire.

More closely contested than the actual title race, the league’s Golden Boot looks an almighty scrap this year. Salah, Kane and Aubameyang are all tied on 13 so far. The consistency of the first two offset by the feast or famine nature of the latter. Kane’s numbers are of particular note given this season he has remodeled himself as a holding midfield player.

Behind them lies a free flowing Hazard and the City pair of Sterling and Aguero. Both well rested and back to full fitness, only a fool would discount either if the club triumphs on Thursday.

For those of you who have asked. Morata is not likely to threaten.

He currently has the same number of goals this season as under 11 sensation David Brooks. Who is taking time off from his paper round to play football for Bournemouth this year… with admiral success.

Happy Hunting

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Sixteen

Hennessey (4.5 CRY) – Put to the sword by a rampant West Ham in the second half, Wayne Hennessey is a curious keeper who looks utterly average most of the time but then makes the odd incredible save to convince you otherwise. He’s like a cut rate David De Gea. Crystal Palace bought Vicente Guaita in the summer, and still have Julian Speroni on their books – yet neither have managed to dislodge the Welshman from the number 1 jersey. No keeper in the bottom half of the table has made less saves than Hennessey (combining the Fulham/Huddersfield keepers) – which is a concern for a club who score less than a fart on the Richter scale.

Cook (4.6 BOU) – An abomination of a performance from the Bournemouth centre back. Who was to Mohammed Salah what a sardine is to a shark. He scored an own goal, was torn inside out throughout and couldn’t even foul Salah properly in the build up to the second goal. If he could have substituted himself, he would have done.

Yedlin (4.5 NEW) – Somehow still in the Newcastle team despite doing all he can of late to prove he shouldn’t; Yedlin took matters into his own hands on Sunday by getting sent off for hauling down Jota on his route to goal. The American is a classic Newcastle player in every sense – one capable of looking high quality and full of passion for a few games… and then like the worst player on earth a few later. The worst thing you can say about Newcastle right now; is that whilst they used to be a laughable self-proclaimed super power falling down from the elites of English football… now they are merely an irrelevance.

Keane (5.1 EVE) – A terrible centre back who is getting worse with every passing month. Keane seems to possess none of the confidence required to marshall a defence. When faced with opponents running at him he looks like a small child after a Watership Down screening. He failed to win 50% of his tackles and headers against Watford, never once imposing himself on the contest. It remains all too easy to get at the Everton defence – especially at home where the full backs bomb on.

Bellerin (5.5 ARS) – Bellerin is not a brilliant defender – a statement which will come as little surprise to anyone. Sure he kept a clean sheet on Saturday – but against Huddersfield that’s a bit like being given a medal for getting dressed in the morning. He’s in here though because he’s an absolutely god awful wing back offensively. Bellerin is quick – really quick. But he can’t pass, can’t cross and can’t shoot. If he could, Arsenal could be brilliant. Only 20% of his crosses have been successful this season – but his main problem is the lack of chances he’s created in comparison to how often he is in the opponent’s final third. He’s had more touches there than Andrew Robertson, probably the league’s leading attacking full back right now. But whereas the Scot has created 18 chances in 14 games. Bellerin has created just 7 in all 16. Indeed, despite now playing as an attacking wing back for Arsenal, he is creating a chance every 200 minutes this season.

Matt Doherty? 74. Digne? A staggering 37. Yedlin? 100. In fact – there are sixty two defenders in the league currently creating chances with more regularity than Hector Bellerin?

What is he doing when he’s up there? Oh that’s right… not finding a fucking teammate.

Sterling (11.6 MCI) – It seems unfair to pick on Sterling given the vitriolic abuse that was dished out to him by the Chelsea fans. The expression of almost disbelief on his face as he came back on to the pitch painted a compelling picture of the disgusting atmosphere that still permeates many grounds across the country. That put to one side however, this was another toothless showing from the Englishman in a big match. City have played Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham and Manchester United this season and Sterling has just one assist in all of them. His goal involvement against the top six clubs is one every 216 minutes. Against all other clubs it is a preposterous one every 52 minutes. 

I mean. I’m not saying he’s a flat track bully. But the Indian Cricket team have got in touch. 

Sane (9.5 MCI) – It’s unsure whether Leroy Sane has yet managed to find his way out of Azpilicueta’s pocket, but when he eventually does he could do worse than study his performance and work out how much of a lesson he was truly given by the Spaniard. Nothing came off for German – which was all the more surprising given his form going into the match. He was eventually hauled off before even getting to the hour mark – with the imperious Azpilicueta then proceeding to find room in the other side of his shorts for Sterling as well. 

Seri (5.2 FUL) – I’m not really sure what Seri does for Fulham. He doesn’t score or particularly create, but then he doesn’t protect his defence either. Is he just there to take corners? Is that the best use of one of your eleven players if he doesn’t offer anything else? He’s like a poor man’s James Ward-Prowse. 

Dear God can you imagine that? A poor man’s James Ward-Prowse?

I think that’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever said about anybody.

Zaha (6.7 CRY) – Zaha is one of the all-time great flatters to deceive players. The anti Aubameyang if you will. Whereas the Arsenal man mostly just wanders around the pitch doing nothing except suddenly being there to help put the ball in the net… the Palace talisman is all action, all energy and pretty much all no end product. Zaha has scored 3 times this season, mostly playing as a centre forward. Richarlison has 8 which seems a fair comparison given the respective sides and the style of the players. His points per match is worse than Rashford, Chicarito and Rondon. He has now been booked five times, all for diving or lashing out at an opponent after diving. 

Palace need more from him. It’s all very well looking like the best player on the pitch… but if you can’t translate that to numbers, you may as well be Matt Ritchie.

Who is shit. Absolute shit. I really can't stress this enough.

Iheanacho (5.9 LEI) – 1 goal in 800 of minutes of football.  

Austin (5.5 SOU) – Southampton really can’t shoot. Only Chelsea and Manchester City have had more shots than them so far this season. But whereas they have a shot to goal conversion rate of 12 to 15% respectively… Southampton’s is… wait for it… 5%.

I mean? Come on lads? Twenty shots to get one goal? What is happening on that training pitch? Are you practicing with fucking beach balls for heaven’s sake?

Austin epitomises the malaise up front as well as anyone. He fires off a shot every 29 minutes yet has just one goal all season. He is visibly not mobile enough to play the lone striker role that he was thrust into on Saturday. Amazingly he is still only 29 – despite looking like he’s spent two decades on a construction site.

Ralph. Put. The. Bunny. Back. In. The. Hatch. 

Sigh. That joke is so niche Amed would blush.

Oh well. 

Hindu Monkey in the morning!

Happy Hunting

HM

The Morata Sponsored Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Fourteen

Pickford (5.0 EVE) – Pickford is the most British of British sporting heroes. A complete clown who wears his heart on his sleeve. The Everton stopper had already flirted with danger already in this match, a side effect of him being more pumped than Ben Johnson before the 1988 Olympics. The error that led to the 96^th winner however, was truly a howler of epic proportions. I’ve watched the footage back a few times and I still can’t quite understand what he’s done. Has he just punched the crossbar? Why would he palm it back into play and not out? Couldn’t he have just left it? How the fuck was that a Virgil Van Dijk assist?

Pickford will pick himself back up and go again – confidence being one thing he’s certainly not short on. But this was once again a sobering end to a Merseyside Derby that Everton must wonder if their luck will ever, ever turn in.

Alonso (7.1 CHE) – Playing like a punch drunk boxer, Alonso achieved a clean sheet on Sunday despite being the worst player on the pitch. Until Morata came on.

I’ve often questioned Alonso positionally – he’s clearly a left back who wants to be a left winger and that’s fine – but he could at least try and care about defending when he has to. Going forward though, his usual forte, this was a horror show of over hit crosses, misplaced passes and tame shots from 30 yards. His manager was clearly watching the same display as I was, dragging him with some 15 minutes left to stop him being responsible for, at that stage, what was looking like an inevitable Fulham equaliser.

Vertonghen (5.9 TOT) – First things first – what a football match. This was a game to restore your faith in the the beautiful game. Goals, drama and above all genuine passion from both sets of players and fans. Arsenal are reborn under Emery, a team now knitted together with a rag-abound unity and playing the best second half football across Europe.

For Spurs and Vertonghen this ended as a day to forget. The Spurs skipper was rightfully dismissed for a silly handball, followed by a reckless lunge. He was dismal throughout – but was torn apart by the pace and power of the Arsenal front 3 in the second period.

Spurs remain a curious work in progress – taking one step forward and one back almost every month. They divide opinion almost across the board. Has the manager done a wonderful job on a minimal budget, coaxing young bucks to mature into stallions?

Or you know… has he won absolutely fuck all.

In fairness… both are true.

Yedlin (4.5 NEW) – A performance so ghastly that had this been the theatre, he would have been booed off stage. Yedlin was just appalling against West Ham – turned inside and out by a rampant Anderson, he must have wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. This was a big step back from Newcastle after a mini run. They will play better and have to – the relegation trap door continues to loom for much of the bottom half.

Matic (5.0 MUN) – Sporting the turning circle of a tank, Matic is beginning to resemble a slowly decaying corpse. Picked by his manager for any game, whatever the circumstances, it’s hard to see at this stage what Matic is actually doing for the team. Rather he merely exists – wandering aimlessly like the spectre of a once, great player. Much like this haunted, crumbling football club.

Defour (5.4 BUR) – Burnley have given up 90 shots in 4 games to middling opposition and were just destroyed by the most goal shy club in the Premier League. Palace don’t even have strikers – they play two centre backs and then essentially nine midfielders who, in this game, lined up and took turns to take pot shots at Joe Hart. The Clarets’ are in real danger of relegation – they barely score, they can’t defend and they have the worst central midfield partnership not just in the Premier League – but in half the Championship as well. Defour is an ageing journeyman who needs to be given a firm handshake and a thanks for all your hard work. If Dyche doesn’t start making tough decisions, and invest in the club in January, he faces the unique scenario of relegating three England international goalkeepers in one go.

Ritchie (5.8 NEW) – No goals, 2 assists and 5 yellow cards in 14 matches. Matt Ritchie is not good enough to play in the Premier League.

Alli (8.9 TOT) – Back to his impetuous best against Chelsea… and straight back to his ineffective, snide worst a week later. Alli is a curious footballer who really does look like he has the world at his feet one minute; and that he’d rather be stealing fags with his mates from the local youth club the next. He never got into the game on Sunday, drifting around the edges like a lazy shark hoping for some spare chum – before finally getting booked for cynically kicking someone. Spurs need more from him, more regularly, if they are going to ever shift this tag of also rans.

Mane (9.9 LIV) – In many ways Mane was the best player on the pitch yesterday. He was full of energy and running, his pace and movement were too much for Everton and he got himself in the right place at the right time to score 3 or 4 goals. The problem was, is that he didn’t actually score any… he just kept missing. And not half chances either… I’m talking whites of the eyes, keeper already committed only Morata would miss these type of moments.

He didn’t even get one on target.

Rondon (5.7 NEW) – Rondon fired off 7 attempts in Newcastle’s meek surrender to West Ham. He was lively and full of running throughout. The problem is that like almost every other Newcastle striker of the past… well… decade… he can’t actually shoot. Just one shot on target of the 7 is a woeful return. Indeed Rondon has a conversion rate of just 9% this season and is averaging a goal every 5 hours of football. In fairness to the lad – that rate was every 6 hours whilst at West Brom – so he’s on the up…

Lukaku (10.7 MUN) – Fuck me what a shower of shit Man United are. Lukaku may have scored on Saturday but only in that clock is right twice a day kind of way. The Belgian was terrible throughout, unable to pass, unable to dribble and in one near mythical moment near the end… managing to actually injure himself because of his first touch.

Mark Hughes has just been sacked for only managing to draw against this football club. That is the state United are currently in.

Oh well. It could be worse. You could be Morata. Any of us… could be Morata.

https://twitter.com/BenchBoostFPL/status/1069224271816388609

I mean… this would have missed THREE goals on top of each other. From 5 yards.

Wanker.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirteen

Kepa (5.5 CHE) – The first of a staggering four Chelsea players in this week’s cornucopia of excrement. Kepa is probably the unluckiest to be here – after all he did manage to keep the score to a vaguely respectable level. Sadly he also decided to just let Harry Kane score from 25 yards and generally command his defence with the ability of a deaf conductor.

Masuaku (4.4 WHU) – The hapless Congolese defender was hauled off at half time against City… who continue this season to ruin the careers of many they come up against. Sterling & Sane were in sensational form, a blur of pace and movement which most footballers can’t handle – let alone Masuaku, who I’m not sure could handle a luke warm potato.

Luiz (5.6 CHE) – This was one of those straight out of the gutter displays from David Luiz – who has been in good form this season but resembled a man with little idea what sport he was actually playing in the tea-time kick off this Saturday. Spurs gave their best performance of the season – in what in no way coincided with actually putting their four best attackers together on the pitch again. Luiz was pathetic throughout, exposed both positionally and by letting players ghost past him like he was invisible. He will play better than this again. If only because I’m not sure it’s possible to play worse and not play for Southampton.

Hoedt (4.4 SOU) – Ah – here we go. Saints. A team now so brittle mentally they don’t just collapse after going behind… or even by drawing… but by merely the thought of conceding an equaliser. It would be tempted to say that all of the Saints centre backs need to be removed from the firing line and given some life counselling… but none of that would address the real problem… which is that Mark Hughes is somehow still employed by a football club. The Welshman feels like Theresa May right now… calmly sticking to the script whilst everything collapses around her.

“I don’t think there is a huge amount wrong with how we are going about our business” – said a curiously upbeat Hughes post-match.

Apart from everything Mark. Literally… everything.

Boly (4.6 WOL) – A poor collective display from Wolves was summed up by the sight of Willy Bolly just wandering around the pitch without a care in the world and making Philip Billing look like Patrick Viera. Truly awful.

Kovacic (5.8 CHE) – The worst player on the pitch on Saturday, which given the competition amongst his teammates is a bit like saying you’re the most incompetent Tory MP. Kovacic was everywhere against Spurs – the problem was he was playing absolutely bollocks. Whether mistiming tackles, hitting hopeless balls over the top, inexplicably playing it to Morata and hoping for it back… or, in the end, just letting Son run past him because he mistakenly thought David Luiz might try and tackle him. The only way he could have played worse would have been if I’d named him in my Fantasy Football team.

Cavaleiro (5.2 WOL) – 72% passing success, 1 cross, no chances created, no successful dribbles, no touches in the box, lost the ball more than any player in the first half, didn’t come out for the second. Pathetic.

Lingard (6.7 MUN) – Years from now, scholars will look back and ask how did someone become such a pivotal player for our national team, as a forward, whilst averaging a goal involvement every four hours for Manchester United. They won’t be able to answer it. Because there is no answer. Lingard – the attacking midfielder who doesn’t create and rarely scores. I mean he has 10 career assists in the Premier League. Alonso has 7 in 12 games at left back…

Maddison (6.8 LEI) – You absolute fucking wanker.

Lukaku (10.7 MUN) – What is going on with Lukaku? I mean, we know what’s going in Lukaku… given he appears to be twice the size compared to last season. He can’t run, he can’t shoot, and he can’t pass (55% on Saturday? Wtf?) 

He appears to have given up the ghost and is just on a sponsored eat until Jose is finally sacked. 4 goals in almost 900 minutes this season is worse than… well, it’s worse than Morata.

Fuck me.

Morata (8.7 CHE) – Okay this has to end now. I can’t write about this guy anymore. It’s starting to hurt. Watching him is torture. He is as useless as a knitted condom.

Morata is killing Chelsea and killing Hazard… who is on the brink of leaving and certainly will if he has to play with this donkey anymore. Morata is the worst centre forward I’ve ever seen get so many chances at a big club… let alone the fucking national team? How is he still playing for Spain for fucks sake?

Whose kids does this guy have? How is this being allowed to happen?

Please… make the pain go away. Stop picking him. Sell him… to anyone. Fucking pay someone to take him off your hands. In fact fuck that, pay him to retire. I can’t go on like this… it’s no fun. It’s not funny anymore, it’s just horrible.

Make. It. Stop.

HM