Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Three

Salah shines as Arsenal wilt
I won't repeat myself regarding Arsenal, although in fairness to them they are declining at an even more rapid rate that I gave them credit for, so I will instead turn to the positives at Anfield... of which each and every one of them was decked in red. Liverpool crushed an abject, almost infantile Arsenal side with consummate grace and reckless ease. Key to this victory were the performances of Can in midfield, and Salah up front. Can remains possibly the most forgotten and under-rated of all Klopp's players. He plays like an Alonso or a Xavi, but has more physical prowess than both. He is strong in the tackle, in the air, can shoot and can pass both short and long. He is not the finished article. But he is 23. And when he plays like this he is certainly the equal of an on song Paul Pogba.

Liverpool dominated midfield to an almost embarrassing degree; although in fairness it was three vs one most of the match, such was Wenger's inability to assemble a team that could follow the mere basics of a formation. But up front Pool were often outnumbered and still tore their opponents to shreds. Mane and Firmino were both excellent but this was Salah's show. Only his finishing let him down in a game where he should have had at hat-trick. His pace is frightening but Salah is far from a Theo Walcott patented blind alley. His positional sense is excellent and time and time again he found the space to punish Arsenal.

Liverpool will get sterner tests that this as the season unfolds. Hell, most of their squad will meet more resistance taking their next shit than they did here... but this was still a ruthless and accomplished outing nonetheless.

Huddersfield and Brighton flicker in different directions
These two promoted clubs were both set to struggle this season, but at this early stage that only looks the case for the one on the South Coast. Huddersfield sit in second place having yet to concede a goal whilst Brighton sit near the bottom, having yet to score one. In all honesty, both their games this week were entirely forgettable, but Brighton really need to find a way to score some goals... especially as they played most of their match against a team with ten men. The Terriers have had a kind start to the season by virtue of the fixture list, but they have certainly taken advantage of it and look well place to defend their points tally when the bigger boys come around.

Brighton do at least have the gifted Anthony Knockaert on their books and the Frenchman was their best player by some distance on Saturday. Keeping him fit and finding a striker who can put away, quite frankly literally anything before the transfer window shuts... is a must if they are to have any chance of surviving.

De Boer looks skewered
No team look worse than Crystal Palace right now. Which given the players they have on their books is both perverse and insane. They look like a squad of footballers who simply have no idea how to follow out the orders from the manager giving them. Yet to get a point, yet to score, yet to figure out what the hell they're supposed to be doing... Palace were beaten 2-0 by Swansea. A result that instantly caused the board to issue a statement that they would be "talking" to De Boer.

One imagines the conversation will mostly be around identity theft and whether the man they have in charge of their football club is in fact the Ajax and Dutch legend... and not just someone who told them a porky on their CV.

For my money, Frank has two more games before he gets the chop.

(I'm sorry... I know. But I could have got more in. I really didn't go the whole hog)

Sterling pays for his effort
Raheem Sterling's late winner and subsequent sending off served to highlight two things this weekend. Firstly, that we should all remember that lots of people associated with football are incredibly stupid. And secondly, that it papered over yet again quite how poor City often were. Crucially it doesn't matter what Pep or any pundit thinks (cough... Shearer) - or how rightfully happy Sterling was to score a dramatic winner in the 97th minute... the rule is simple. It's a stupid rule, but the players know it and it's not like it's just been introduced. Vilifying the referee who quite literally would have not being doing his job had he not given a second yellow is immature and reckless.

Of more pressing concern for the City manager was his teams inability again to break down a side who defended deep and tried to hit them on the counter. City have three times played against effectively a back seven, but Pep needs to figure this out and realise that his quick, fluid attack it near useless against such a tactic. The sight of Kevin De Bruyne in the Kante role so far this season is utterly bizarre, as he is on of the few players with the subtlety of vision to unpick a lock. The Belgian is playing too deep and City are not getting any width except from their fullbacks (who eventually supplied the cross for the undeserved winner). I could understand more if City were shooting from deep, but they're not even doing that. Paul Pogba had more shots from outside the box in the first 90 seconds of the Man United game than City had in the entire match.

City have not yet been punished for their frailties, but they certainly don't look as fluid or as powerful as the team across their back yard. Next week's match up with Liverpool looks decidedly tasty indeed... and will tell us much more about both team's chances of a genuine title push this year.

Chelsea have bounced back
2 wins later and their first half horror show against Burnley is beginning to look more like an aberration than a premonition. Good news for Chelsea fans who saw them swat away Everton today with relative ease and move into the international break (why Fifa... just... why) on a healthy six points. Chelsea will always defend well with Conte at the helm, but this was a miles better display in midfield and in Morata, they look to have acquired a striker who needs no time at all to adapt.

Hazard and likely a new signing or two will arrive in time for the next fixture and suddenly Chelsea look a much better bet to defend their title than they did 8 days ago. Everton in fairness were probably a little tired after their midweek excursions and a gruelling opening set of fixtures. Good news for them though is they play Spurs next. The bad news?

It's not at Wembley.

Team of the Weak:

Hart - Joe may be in here for some time. Just giving everyone a heads up.
Holding - Calum Chambers Wenger. Please play him. He is honestly better than what you have.
Monreal - A player who is now a terrible left back, left wing-back, left sided centre back, centre back and right sided centre back. Way to go Arsene.
Collins - Still playing football for West Ham football club. I know, right?
Britos - Channel the inner Holebas in you my friend. No wait not like that.
Cabaye - At what point does "you're better than this" become... oh wait, you're not... this is just it now?
Xhaka - Just wank.
De Bruyne - Come on Kevin, it's time to go rogue.
Ozil - Now beyond parody. The worst big match player who continues to be actually allowed to play in big matches in football... no sporting history.
Hemed - Apparently up front for Brighton this Saturday.
Kane - 24 shots in 3 games, no goals. It's okay Harry, August is over. Be free my friend... be free.

Happy Hunting

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Two

Arsenal’s problem isn’t tactical, it’s mental

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, we’ve been here before with Arsenal. The move to 3-5-2 at the back of last season smacked of Wenger doing something against his wishes; just to prove to people he could actually play another formation. But it’s not just the formation that’s the problem with Arsenal, it’s how they continue to play within themselves for long periods for too many matches each season. Arsenal lack leadership, a spine, a genuine world class player and somebody, anybody who will inject some urgency into proceedings. A returning and focussed Alexis Sanchez can at least fulfil the latter two roles, but the former? No. This comes from good management, good captaincy, and good signings. Can anyone even tell me whose Arsenal’s captain was on Saturday?

The problem with Arsenal can be highlighted, in a nutshell, by Hector Bellerin. The full back burst onto the scene with pace, promise and no shortage of raw talent. He looked a genuine find and somebody who had the potential to blossom into the best in the league in his position. Fast forward 18 months and Bellerin looks a shadow of the player he was in 2015. He is bereft of confidence; his delivery lacking and admits that the change in formation has directly affected his game. He has become, in short, the quintessential Arsenal player. One who flatters to deceive too often and whilst will still, from time to time, produce a world class performance to herald another false dawn, will ultimately just crumble and burn to ash when faced with a crisis.

This is Wenger’s legacy. The once great coach of our time has been chewed up and spat out by better and more adaptable managers who have swarmed around him over the past decade. There is no second coming. There is no one last hurrah. There is only the continued and helpless descent into mediocrity.

Double hoodoo casts it’s curse over Kane & Co

Spurs were unlucky against Chelsea, that should be stated from the off. But there was an almost hopeless inevitability to the result that looked set in stone after the opening 15 minutes. Spurs passed the ball where it didn’t hurt Chelsea and rarely carved them open in the final third. They looked a team who despite trying in every way they could, were unable to shake off a curse that is currently prohibiting them to win at Wembley, or allow their talisman to score in a summer month. Kane had chances, he hit the post again, missed a free header form 6 yards, could have got on the end on a couple of balls into the box. But like the rest of his team, he just looked unable to deliver when it mattered and was left to stare in bemusement after a fortunate own goal equaliser was rendered irrelevant by the marauding Marcus Alonso.

For Conte this was a massive result. Tactically he got it spot on and coaxed a marvellous performance from several players who would be nowhere near Chelsea’s best XI on a normal day. Chelsea look in trouble this season, having had one of the worst transfer windows for a major club since the “we’ll buy any average player for 20m” days of Dalglish & Liverpool. But they have a brilliant manager who knows how to rouse his players and get results in big matches.

As for Spurs. They play Burnley at Wembley next before the international break. They have to win and Harry Kane has to score. The curse must be lifted, or another slow start will cost them again when they’re handing out the major prizes in May.

Citation: Kane’s curse could just be put down to the simplistic reason that I continue to captain him in fantasy football at the start of each season. For which, on the behalf of all Spurs fans, I sincerely apologise.

Pulis rediscovers the zzzzzzzzzzzzz factor

West Brom only kept 6 clean sheets last season, the same number of goals that McAuley scored. Pulis flirted for a season trying to play his version of expansive football, but it never quite worked and his side conceded too many odd goals and still couldn’t put the ball in the back of the net. I’m pretty sure at this point that Rondon hasn’t scored in around fifty matches. Fast forward this year and Pulis has gone back to basics. 4-4-1-1, well organised, big, strong centre backs, defend in numbers, try and sneak a goal on the counter or from a set piece and win 1-0. Back to back victories in this manner see them sitting pretty on 6 points and sending their fans into wild celebration. Or you know, polite applause and a shrug of “well, rather this than relegation.”

Come on Tony. You can do this. Stop signing defensive midfielders and Leko of the leash. Please.

This year’s dark horses are going to be…

Probably not Bournemouth then. Who I tipped for a top 10 finish this time around borne from their reckless desire to score and the returning, evergreen Defoe. Two games and no goals later, and Bournemouth look like they miss Jack Wilshire. Which is no state for any team to be in. They have City and Arsenal up next and look a safe bet to bottom and pointless after that run. The season is impossibly young of course, but a good start helps and you felt Bournemouth needed something against a very winnable home match with Watford.

As such I’m changing my dark horse prediction to a blue fox instead. The former title winners have started the season in fine fettle and followed up their unlucky opening day loss with a comfortable victory against Brighton. They play Jose’s “hand me my obligatory second season title already” United next, but look well capable of causing an upset. Vardy and Mahrez look back to their best and, in Harry Maguire, they have signed a genuinely superb all-round centre back.

He cost 12m by the way. John Stones cost 50m. Stupid, stupid football.

Saints finally blow away the cobwebs

An unlikely goal fest at St Mary’s on Saturday saw Southampton emerge with the spoils following a dramatic, late Charlie Austin penalty. Having gone a full rotation of Jupiter since last seeing a goal at home, Saints fans could barely believe their eyes to be treated to five in a single game. Keen to keep the match entertaining, Southampton responded to leading and playing against ten men by losing all defensive shape whatsoever and allowing Hernandez to poach two, ultimately fruitless goals for the visitors. West Ham have a wealth of creative attackers at their disposal and will surely do better than last season; but seven goals conceded in the opening two fixtures point to continued problems at the back that Bilic had done nothing to address simply by signing Joe Hart. A player who currently isn’t even in the top five English keepers in the league.

Although he is still better than Claudio Bravo.

Team of the Weak:

Hart – see above – although in fairness Forster was arguably even worse.
Fernandez – utterly collapsed once United scored a second and was out muscled and foxed by Pogba and Mkhitaryan.
Zabaleta – best days may well be beyond him. Plus David Silva can now pass for him in a police line up.
Cook – struggled against a pacey, creative Watford attack.
Monreal – not a centre back, end this charade now Arsene.
Dier – lucky to stay on the pitch after a horrible tackle and was out played by Kante and Bakayoko throughout.
Ritchie – echoes of his first season in the top flight with Bournemouth. Needs to step up and prove he belongs at this level and not the Championship.
Arnautovic – essentially committed assault. We’ll see you in October matey.
Oxlade-Chamberlain – neither a winger or a defender and useless at combining the two. Didn’t he want to play in central midfield anyway? Why the hell isn’t Wenger playing Kolasinac left wing back? And do Liverpool really want to sign him? Like… really?
Ozil – Was so ineffectual the Stoke Police put out a missing report for him. This isn’t a joke. They actually did this.
Afobe - about as threatening as a piñata after a kids birthday party.
Kane – one last try Harry… you can do it mate. For England…

Happy Hunting

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week One - 2017/18 Season

Welcome back fine people... and welcome back Premier League. Don't you ever leave us for so long again.

Jose hopes for second coming again
Jose only does second seasons apparently, and certainly on the strength of their opening performance, this looks a very different beast to the United we saw last time around. The two new signings being the most pivotal on the pitch in what was, eventually a 4-0 stroll against an ailing West Ham. Matic was the game’s best player. The Serbian dominated midfield with the sort of casual ease that must have made Chelsea fans turn away in shame. His interceptions, tackling and short passing key to creating time and space for the other midfielders to release the front 3. Lukaku, who scored the first two goals, was dominant and his pace and power allowing both Rashford and Mkhitaryan to go beyond him several times. This was a fluid United attacking unit that had barely been seen in years. Zlatan may have been king, but the aging Swede certainly couldn’t have picked the ball up on the half way line and burst past two players down the wing in the way that Lukaku did in the opening 10 minutes. The front three took a while to get going but once they did they tormented the West Ham back line. Rashford with pace, Lukaku with power and Mkhitaryan with guile. Last time Mourinho won the title he took a good, well organised squad and made it great with the addition of Fabregas and Costa. On the evidence of the opening 90 minutes here, he may well repeat the trick.

Pep purrs as City pour forward

Down on the South coast, the most compelling case against Jose’s second season syndrome was taking shape. Manchester City dispatched Brighton with two second half goals to open up their account with a well earned win. City never looked like losing this match and whilst their formation remains a work in progress, the amount of creativity and striking power they have at their disposal is genuinely frightening. Their bench cost more than Brighton have spent on transfers in their history. Sane, Sterling and Bernando Silva would be a front three that would finish in the top six on their own... and that’s what City have in reserve. Behind the wonderfully talented Jesus and Sergio “still got it, I never actually lost it” Aguero lies the scheming talents of David Silva and Kevin De Bruyne. Two players who could double up as professional locksmiths. There will be tougher tests ahead for both Manchester sides... but on the evidence of the new look attacks, and indeed defences who seem vaguely capable of actually going 90 minutes without conceding, they appear to be the teams to beat.

But seriously, who cares about titles... when you can just watch Liverpool & Arsenal
The first two games of the season saw an absurd 13 goals in displays of defensive incompetence not seen... since Liverpool & Arsenal played last season. Liverpool had clearly learnt nothing from the night before; that if you’re going to defend this terribly, you have to score at least 4 goals to actually win the match. Both clubs remain embroiled in “will they, won’t they” transfer sagas they could do without, but they certainly made no compelling case for their star players to stay and try and win the title with defending of this magnitude. Yes Liverpool have a front three that can be a blur of pace and movement. Yes Arsenal have a terrific looking new striker and the best substitute in the league. But does it really matter if you can’t defend a gently stroked ball into the box? If a long punt over the top feels you with blind panic? If you have the entire summer to buy someone and you decide that Alberto Moreno is actually your best left back? Or that Calum Chambers, a guy who played well in a back three all last season is not worth a place in your squad whilst you play your left back in the middle of it?

Klopp and Wenger will continue to make such awful decisions all season because they care only about one end of the football pitch. It might not win titles, and it might not win all the fans over. But it’s incredibly entertaining and long may it continue.

Shelvey undoes his team’s great work
I think we all know this won’t be the last time Jonjo Shelvey gets sent from a football pitch. The Newcastle captain gave the referee little choice with a cynical, but above all, utterly pointless step on the ankle of Dele Alli. His team were playing well, Spurs didn’t really look like scoring and he turned a very good performance into a miserable one; as everybody’s favourite almost team ran away with it thanks to the creative genius of the greatest Dane since Hamlet.

Spurs still have work to do. Their squad is so thin it belongs in an After Eight box. Whilst they have done well to (largely) resist any offers to their key players, it is unthinkable what might happen should Eriksen, Kane or Alli have a prolonged period of time out. They got out of jail this time but their next match against Chelsea should be a lot tougher.

Or you know... maybe not.

Mounie & Mooy give Huddersfield hope

In order to stay in the league coming up from the Championship you need to be able to defend... and be able to score. Two basics of any successful football team, but essential when making the transition from one league to another. Huddersfield aren’t going to score as many goals as Liverpool or Arsenal, but on the basis of this weekend they might well concede less. They did a fine job taking care of a disorganised Palace and took their chances when they had them. In midfield they have a player who has the sort of love for a pass and dead ball that a Tory politician does for cuts to the poor. And up front a man who looks fit, focused and knows where the net is.

If this is beginning to sound like a who’s who of footballing cliches you’re probably right. But after one game, Mounie & Mooy have... oh my god I was about to put a rhyme in there then? Jumping for joy? Really? I’m better than that. Honest.

I don't know anything about Huddersfield town. Like, at all. They're the best team in Yorkshire now. Yorkshire? We almost won the Olympics and our best football team is Huddersfield town? Seriously...

Oh well.

At least it's not fucking Leeds.

Team of the Weak:

Hart - Welcome back to Manchester Joe

Holding - More like holding on for dear life

Morgan - Battered, bruised and beaten by Giroud

Rudiger - The sort of debut that nightmares are made of

Matip - Made Moreno look good. It’s hard to live that down

Fabregas - Let his team down... and himself. In the naughty corner Cesc

Puncheon - Allegedly the captain of Crystal Palace

Shelvey - Just a bit of a tosser really

Barton - Didn’t actually play this weekend because he’s banned for 18 months. Just thought I’d remind everyone of that because it’s really funny

Benteke - As mobile as a dying elephant

Any striker who us unlucky enough to play upfront for Southampton - how many minutes is that at home without a goal now lads? 1000? It feels like a lifetime. Just put the ball in the net. Please. Anyone.

Goodnight. 

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey