Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Twenty-Two

Son shines kindly on North London giants
A largely wretched weekend for the chasing pack, saw Spurs and Arsenal take an improbable four points from matches they had no right to do so. Arsenal were abject against a well organised Burnley; reliant on a set piece to break the deadlock and then watched, open mouthed, as Granit Xhaka inexplicably lunged in after losing the ball a good 70 yards away from his penalty area. Burnley deserved something from the game, and were desperately unlucky having scored a penalty of their own, to come away empty handed thanks to Sanchez impish chip at the death. At least the officials got the decisions right in that match, which is more than could be said over at the Etihad, where Spurs were taken to the absolute cleaners by Manchester City and somehow came away with a point. City can only blame themselves for such wasteful finishing and a chronic lack of a final ball when they got behind the Spurs full backs for the 85th time... but the game turned when Raheem Sterling was clearly pulled back running in on goal. It was a stone wall penalty and red card, yet the referee didn’t see it as that... and Spurs promptly produced their only passing move of the entire match to go up the other end and score. With Chelsea almost impossible to score against right now, these were vital points in what is increasingly becoming a dog fight for the top four.

Swansea make Pool pay for passive defence
If Liverpool attack with the aggression of Donald Trump, they defend like Jeremy Corbyn. Indeed, the entire back line is about as organised as the Labour Party right now, which continues to be as much of a frustration for their manager as I’m sure it is to the millions of Labour voters who have heads in their hands as their excuse of a leader... sorry, I’ve wandered off topic. 

Two goals at home to Swansea should really be enough to win a match. But twice Liverpool came unstuck by the predatory instincts of Llorente and, after coming back into the match through the lost magic of Firmino, then just kinda fell over as Sigurdsson was able to run the entire length of the pitch without anybody marking him. The Icelandic international eventually finding the ball at his feet with just the keeper to slot calmly past. Paul Clement has organised his troops well in a short space of time, but the key factor here was the sense of belief that ran through the Swansea players. They never stopped running or believing, even when they were pulled back to 2 all. Summon up that passion every week, and they may well get out of the mess they find themselves in yet. As for Liverpool... it’s Chelsea up next, a match they have to win to keep any sense of the title alive. Lose it... they won’t just be out of the title race, they’ll likely be out of the current top four as well.

How good could Carroll have been?

Andy Carroll will perhaps forever be remembered for the guy who went to Liverpool for the most falsely inflated transfer fee ever and largely did nothing. But that’s not fair... because he deserves to be remembered as the player who spent 90% of a career that could have been brilliant in the treatment room. Carroll is an old fashioned centre forward for whom, on his day, the term “unplayable” could genuinely have been written for. The big man added two more goals to go with his acrobatic wonder effort from last week and absolutely bossed a Middlesborough defence who had previously only conceded 3 goals in their last 5 matches. Given a run of matches, ten seems hopeful, twenty the stuff of fantasies, one wonders what Carroll could be capable of. His footwork is superb, he holds the ball up like it’s made of glue and he’s better in the air than Christian Benteke. And he doesn’t just stand there and wait either. He runs, a lot. West Ham have removed their best player and won back to back games scoring six goals en route. That is how good Carroll has been.

Plus that little Argentinian with the far too styled to be taken seriously hair who plays in behind. Some player that kid.

Sunderland need some positivity

This week, David Moyes, the Sunderland manager and X-Factor winner 2013, said this:

"I'd be kidding you on if I said the players we are going to bring in in January are going to massively make a big difference because first of all, we probably couldn't get that level of player and secondly, we probably wouldn't have the finances to do that. To suggest that the player we bring in would be making a big difference, I think, wouldn't be correct."

Talk about raising the white flag? Can you imagine saying that in any other business? Moyes has been in suicide watch mode ever since the United job turned sour, like a man who still can’t shake the fact he had the chance to marry the most amazing woman in the world... and ended up with Katie Hopkins.

That’s not to say Sunderland is Katie Hopkins. I have to make that completely clear.

But maybe if he went and managed Leeds...

Holgate isn’t just a good luck charm
After starting the first three games of the season and doing absolutely nothing wrong, it was a touch surprising that Mason Holgate didn’t get on the pitch again for another 11 league matches. Indeed the young centre back had to wait until week 18 before being told he could start a match again. Of the 6 games Holgate has started this season, Everton are unbeaten and have kept 4 clean sheets. They’ve only kept 7 in total. They have won the last three matches he’s played 7-0. There are other reasons behind this of course, but in an era where 3-5-2 is suddenly back in fashion, Holgate looks a perfect fit for club and country in that formation. The surprise from most at Everton isn’t how assured and comfortable the youngster looks, but why it took so long for Koeman to figure out he needed to start playing him.

Team of the Weak:

I’m just going to give it to Andre Marriner.

And Paul fucking Pogba.

Goodnight

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Twenty-One

Klopp and Mourinho fail to ignite another drab derby.
A point was just about fair for a match of such desperately poor standard, it seemed laughable that either of these teams could be considered genuine title contenders. If the first half was uneventful, noticeable only for trying to work out if the referee or Paul Pogba was having a more annoying game, the second was at least entertaining in it’s collective ineptitude. The last twenty minutes in particular, opened up to a match of end to end football where both teams took turns to show quite how badly they could pass, cross or shoot. The goals themselves were both singularly terrible. Liverpool’s penalty coming from a corner that was the result of a hospital pass back, followed by awful, clumsy defending and then Paul Pogba missing his header by a good yard and the ball instead landing on his outstretched hands. Milner’s calm and well taken penalty was just about the only moment of genuine composure in 90 minutes. United’s eventual equaliser came from a pin ball session of hilariously unmarked headers before Ibrahimovic finally found the back of the net to mark yet another uninspired performance with a crucial goal. The guy does have a knack I’ll give him that. Both of these teams continue to lack the defensive nous for genuine title contenders and both sides needs to play better in matches of this ilk when the pressure is on. Liverpool offered little going forward and Firmino looks a shadow of the player he was three months ago. As for United, aside from Pogba’s desperately poor match no player really stood out with any credit, with the possible exception of the tireless Valencia and ever dependable De Gea. And what is going on at left back? After a marvelous start to the season does anybody know where the actual £30m full back United have on their books is?

Shawly he’s not still injured...*

Spurs graduates march on.
Spurs are certainly in the groove right now. After a sluggish start which looked like the entire squad was suffering from a collective hangover from last season’s implosion, they have hit form over the key festive fixtures and were far too good for a poor and oddly disorganised West Brom side. Spurs team press really is a joy to watch when everyone is working in unison, and they never gave Tony Pulis’ side room to breathe for every minute of the 90 here. 4-0 flattered the visitors, such was the dominance of Pochettino’s youthful cavilers. Harry Kane is back on song, Deli Alli floating around and stinging like his former namesake and Christian Eriksen is back to his best, treating a football like a fabulous, smooth skinned lover. But the real stars of the Spurs team continue to be their buccaneering full backs. Marcos Alonso may have stolen the headlines with his two goals, but no “defenders” in the league are playing as well as Rose and Walker. The energy is a given at this point, but the final delivery and decision making has been cranked up as well. Rose was literally everywhere against West Brom. He set up as many chances as Eriksen and played the pass that resulted in the deflected goal from a right midfield position. Why was he even over there? Frankly, when Spurs are playing with as much reckless abandon as this... who cares. City up next. We want five...

What a goalkeeper Pep, Bravo.

City just aren’t playing well. So much so that it seems like an illusion that they are still in the top six. Their big players are getting them over the line in the lesser fixtures, but once again they went away to a decent team and were destroyed by the seemingly unheard of ability to shoot on target. Shooting on target, you see right now gives you a 66% chance of scoring against Claudio Bravo, who has conceded 14 goals from his last 21 shots on target. Bravo is a terrible keeper. Not just an average one who can play with his feet, flat out terrible. The standard of keeping in the league is exceptionally high right now and Bravo sticks out like a sore thumb. He just doesn’t make match winning saves, literally ever. Right now unless City go up the other end and score at least two, their keeper is giving them absolutely no chance to win a football match.

John Stones doesn’t help either granted. The only player in the league who makes the £90m for Pogba look like value.

Big Sam has his work cut out.

Palace are in deep trouble. They aren’t scoring, which they were at least doing under Pardew and are still conceding at a rate of knots. They seem to fold like a pack of cards whenever teams attack them and were taken apart by a West Ham side that even without the sulking Payet, must have made Sam wish he was still managing them. As it is, Palace are but a point off the bottom of the table and need to plug the gaps in a leaky defence fast. They need to find a striker who can physically run, or put the ball on his head so he doesn’t have to. Most of all, Allardyce needs to install a better mentality into his players. Heads drop at the first sign of a battle and West Ham didn’t even have to play well to easily beat them 3-0.

Still, Andy Carroll... what a fucking goal son. What... a fucking goal.

Heaton remains the league’s most underrated keeper.
Whilst Claudio Bravo was wandering around like a plonker, Tom Heaton was keeping his fifth clean sheet of a continuously impressive season. Burnley are up to 10th and are indebted to their superb shot stopper for a large chunk of that effort. Heaton made a stunning double save from Jay Rodriquez to deny Saints a share of the spoils, something that Bravo has yet to do all season. All told Heaton took his save tally to 88 so far, Bravo has 31. Even amongst fellow mid table sides, Heaton has made almost as many saves as Grant and Valdes combined. He might not be the best keeper in the league, with De Gea and Loris continuing to occupy positions number 1 and 2... but he’s best of the rest. And frankly it’s high time somebody other than a Monkey with questionable religious leanings noticed it.

Team of the Weak:

Bravo - I think I’ve made this point
Stones - At this stage, the joke is almost wearing a little thin...
McAuley - A fantastic season so far, but fuck me Gareth that was a horror show son
Olsson - In truth, little better. And for crying out loud man get a haircut it’s not 1975
Naughton - The lesser of two Kyles...
Pogba - An absolute clusterfuck of a performance
Januzaj - Increasingly becoming an illusion that he ever looked good
Cork - Own goal and outclassed, was just blown away second half
Silva - Bad day at the office for the mercurial playmaker, has just not got going this season
Deeney - Just score Troy, for me... please
Vardy - Jamie, it’s time to stop fucking partying

Goodnight

*courtesy of Alexander JW Hughes, Ignition Search, Head of Sales & Infamous Teaspin flat track bully.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we haven't learnt from the Premier League this Christmas

Jose lavishes praise on rivals again
Following a sixth win on the bounce, the self-proclaimed “modest one” once again choose not to focus on his own performance and instead turned his attention to the managers above him in the table. “Six wins is nothing when you have thirteen like Conte at Chelsea” the former Stamford Bridge boss mused. What he’s done with the absolute car crash that I left behind down there… well it’s incredible really. Mourinho went on to praise the “peerless” Klopp for managing to play free flowing, attacking football whilst also winning football matches… something he had “never” managed to do in his professional career. He then led a eulogy to his “special friend” Arsene Wenger. “I think what Arsene has done in the last decade is as good as anyone in world football. To be that respected and well thought of… having won 7 out of the last 10 league titles, never, ever bottling it when the pressure is on? It’s incredible really. And beating Bayern Munich five years in a row? What a team. What a manager. What a man.”

The United boss, who has forged a successful side this season by bringing in four new youth players and not spending a penny in the transfer window, was not so enthusiastic about his old adversary over in the Manchester City dugout. “Pep Guardiola? He’s a prick.”

“Can I talk about Arsene some more now?”

Swansea stick with Bradley until “bitter end”
Praising his fine looks, romantic accent and motivational prowess, Swansea City chairman Huw Jenkins vowed to stick with Bob Bradley “no matter what” following the clubs 10^th successive loss this weekend. “I’m sure Bob will get it right eventually” he said “I mean, when you change half your team every single game for no reason sooner or later you’ll stumble upon the winning combination. It’s a bit like that monkey and a typewriter situation isn’t it? Only with a football team sheet not a typewriter. And obviously still a monkey.”

Midway through the interview Jenkins received an urgent phone call informing him that Bradley had been sacked by the club after all.

“Thank fuck for that,” the relived Chairman said “to be honest he was complete bollocks. And he kept calling it fucking soccer.”

Mike Dean has another perfect match
Following another assured and selfless display of officiating this weekend, Mike Dean, the world’s best referee, modestly quipped that he did his job merely for the “love of the game” and never for any self-delusions of grandeur whatsoever. Dean, who correctly sent off a player for vaguely falling over in the general direction of another said he was proud of his record of “getting every decision right, ever” but that he didn’t want to be singled out for praise in what was an increasingly more hostile environment. “To be honest” the referee said, combing back his long, lustrous locks of hair as he spoke “I don’t really know what I’m doing out there so I stick to a basic principal. If every single person in the ground thinks my decision is wrong… it must be right. That’s how this works isn’t it? I mean I know it looked like Zlatan Ibrahimovic was three yards offside when he scored… but ask yourself. Was he… was he really?”

Dean was later spotted beating himself in a staring competition in the changing room mirror.

Deeney & Ighalo click again to batter Stoke
Scoring their 23^rd, 24^th and 25^th combined goals this season, Helen of Troy Deeney and Odious Ighalo once again linked up to devastating effect to brush aside a hapless Stoke team. Making last season’s efforts look poor by comparison, Watford boss Walter Mazzarri said he had “no idea” how his two athletic and visibly underweight attackers kept defying their critics to fire his side to glory. “They really are something special” said Mazzarri “I mean take that third goal for instance. Troy picks up the ball just outside the box and he managed to actually find Ighalo who was standing over six yards away. He just passed it to him, you know, like it was the easiest thing in the world. And then… wow… boom… what a finish. Not only was it on target. It actually went in. What a goal”

Mazzarri finished his interview by saying “it’s lucky really, because if neither of them were scoring goals I’d be completely fucked.”

Lads, it’s Spurs
After moving to second in the table with yet another convincing victory, Mauricio Pochettino continued his three word only post-match press conference in an attempt yet again to deflect claims that his team couldn’t get over a finish line if they threw up on it. With the Argentine unavailable for extensive comment, pundit’s instead quizzed former player Ledley King, recent winner of the award for best Spurs player in the Premier League Era. King said that Pochettino’s method relied on one key factor “it’s basically just shooting… that’s all he tells his players to do, practically ever. Rose and Walker are allowed to run… all day, every day, up and down… but everyone else? It’s just shoot… all the time”

Pundits found that stats did indeed back up King’s claim, discovering that plucky Dane Christian Eriksen has already had more shots on goal this season than the entirety of Middlesbrough and Sunderland combined. They were about to comment that his conversion rate of 0.0008% potentially had room for improvement when they were interrupted by King – “I’m sorry… did you say I was voted Spurs best player since the Premier League began?”

“That’s just fucking mental”

When asked about King’s award Pochettino said “Lads… it’s Spurs” and walked off.

Goodnight.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey