Jose lavishes praise
on rivals again
Following a sixth win on the bounce, the self-proclaimed “modest one” once again choose not to focus on his own performance and instead turned his attention to the managers above him in the table. “Six wins is nothing when you have thirteen like Conte at Chelsea” the former Stamford Bridge boss mused. What he’s done with the absolute car crash that I left behind down there… well it’s incredible really. Mourinho went on to praise the “peerless” Klopp for managing to play free flowing, attacking football whilst also winning football matches… something he had “never” managed to do in his professional career. He then led a eulogy to his “special friend” Arsene Wenger. “I think what Arsene has done in the last decade is as good as anyone in world football. To be that respected and well thought of… having won 7 out of the last 10 league titles, never, ever bottling it when the pressure is on? It’s incredible really. And beating Bayern Munich five years in a row? What a team. What a manager. What a man.”
Following a sixth win on the bounce, the self-proclaimed “modest one” once again choose not to focus on his own performance and instead turned his attention to the managers above him in the table. “Six wins is nothing when you have thirteen like Conte at Chelsea” the former Stamford Bridge boss mused. What he’s done with the absolute car crash that I left behind down there… well it’s incredible really. Mourinho went on to praise the “peerless” Klopp for managing to play free flowing, attacking football whilst also winning football matches… something he had “never” managed to do in his professional career. He then led a eulogy to his “special friend” Arsene Wenger. “I think what Arsene has done in the last decade is as good as anyone in world football. To be that respected and well thought of… having won 7 out of the last 10 league titles, never, ever bottling it when the pressure is on? It’s incredible really. And beating Bayern Munich five years in a row? What a team. What a manager. What a man.”
The United boss, who has forged a successful side this
season by bringing in four new youth players and not spending a penny in the
transfer window, was not so enthusiastic about his old adversary over in the
Manchester City dugout. “Pep Guardiola? He’s a prick.”
“Can I talk about Arsene some more now?”
Swansea stick with
Bradley until “bitter end”
Praising his fine looks, romantic accent and motivational prowess, Swansea City chairman Huw Jenkins vowed to stick with Bob Bradley “no matter what” following the clubs 10th successive loss this weekend. “I’m sure Bob will get it right eventually” he said “I mean, when you change half your team every single game for no reason sooner or later you’ll stumble upon the winning combination. It’s a bit like that monkey and a typewriter situation isn’t it? Only with a football team sheet not a typewriter. And obviously still a monkey.”
Praising his fine looks, romantic accent and motivational prowess, Swansea City chairman Huw Jenkins vowed to stick with Bob Bradley “no matter what” following the clubs 10th successive loss this weekend. “I’m sure Bob will get it right eventually” he said “I mean, when you change half your team every single game for no reason sooner or later you’ll stumble upon the winning combination. It’s a bit like that monkey and a typewriter situation isn’t it? Only with a football team sheet not a typewriter. And obviously still a monkey.”
Midway through the interview Jenkins received an urgent
phone call informing him that Bradley had been sacked by the club after all.
“Thank fuck for that,” the relived Chairman said “to be
honest he was complete bollocks. And he kept calling it fucking soccer.”
Mike Dean has another
perfect match
Following another assured and selfless display of officiating this weekend, Mike Dean, the world’s best referee, modestly quipped that he did his job merely for the “love of the game” and never for any self-delusions of grandeur whatsoever. Dean, who correctly sent off a player for vaguely falling over in the general direction of another said he was proud of his record of “getting every decision right, ever” but that he didn’t want to be singled out for praise in what was an increasingly more hostile environment. “To be honest” the referee said, combing back his long, lustrous locks of hair as he spoke “I don’t really know what I’m doing out there so I stick to a basic principal. If every single person in the ground thinks my decision is wrong… it must be right. That’s how this works isn’t it? I mean I know it looked like Zlatan Ibrahimovic was three yards offside when he scored… but ask yourself. Was he… was he really?”
Following another assured and selfless display of officiating this weekend, Mike Dean, the world’s best referee, modestly quipped that he did his job merely for the “love of the game” and never for any self-delusions of grandeur whatsoever. Dean, who correctly sent off a player for vaguely falling over in the general direction of another said he was proud of his record of “getting every decision right, ever” but that he didn’t want to be singled out for praise in what was an increasingly more hostile environment. “To be honest” the referee said, combing back his long, lustrous locks of hair as he spoke “I don’t really know what I’m doing out there so I stick to a basic principal. If every single person in the ground thinks my decision is wrong… it must be right. That’s how this works isn’t it? I mean I know it looked like Zlatan Ibrahimovic was three yards offside when he scored… but ask yourself. Was he… was he really?”
Dean was later spotted beating himself in a staring competition
in the changing room mirror.
Deeney & Ighalo
click again to batter Stoke
Scoring their 23rd, 24th and 25th combined goals this season, Helen of Troy Deeney and Odious Ighalo once again linked up to devastating effect to brush aside a hapless Stoke team. Making last season’s efforts look poor by comparison, Watford boss Walter Mazzarri said he had “no idea” how his two athletic and visibly underweight attackers kept defying their critics to fire his side to glory. “They really are something special” said Mazzarri “I mean take that third goal for instance. Troy picks up the ball just outside the box and he managed to actually find Ighalo who was standing over six yards away. He just passed it to him, you know, like it was the easiest thing in the world. And then… wow… boom… what a finish. Not only was it on target. It actually went in. What a goal”
Scoring their 23rd, 24th and 25th combined goals this season, Helen of Troy Deeney and Odious Ighalo once again linked up to devastating effect to brush aside a hapless Stoke team. Making last season’s efforts look poor by comparison, Watford boss Walter Mazzarri said he had “no idea” how his two athletic and visibly underweight attackers kept defying their critics to fire his side to glory. “They really are something special” said Mazzarri “I mean take that third goal for instance. Troy picks up the ball just outside the box and he managed to actually find Ighalo who was standing over six yards away. He just passed it to him, you know, like it was the easiest thing in the world. And then… wow… boom… what a finish. Not only was it on target. It actually went in. What a goal”
Mazzarri finished his interview by saying “it’s lucky
really, because if neither of them were scoring goals I’d be completely fucked.”
Lads, it’s Spurs
After moving to second in the table with yet another convincing victory, Mauricio Pochettino continued his three word only post-match press conference in an attempt yet again to deflect claims that his team couldn’t get over a finish line if they threw up on it. With the Argentine unavailable for extensive comment, pundit’s instead quizzed former player Ledley King, recent winner of the award for best Spurs player in the Premier League Era. King said that Pochettino’s method relied on one key factor “it’s basically just shooting… that’s all he tells his players to do, practically ever. Rose and Walker are allowed to run… all day, every day, up and down… but everyone else? It’s just shoot… all the time”
After moving to second in the table with yet another convincing victory, Mauricio Pochettino continued his three word only post-match press conference in an attempt yet again to deflect claims that his team couldn’t get over a finish line if they threw up on it. With the Argentine unavailable for extensive comment, pundit’s instead quizzed former player Ledley King, recent winner of the award for best Spurs player in the Premier League Era. King said that Pochettino’s method relied on one key factor “it’s basically just shooting… that’s all he tells his players to do, practically ever. Rose and Walker are allowed to run… all day, every day, up and down… but everyone else? It’s just shoot… all the time”
Pundits found that stats did indeed back up King’s claim,
discovering that plucky Dane Christian Eriksen has already had more shots on
goal this season than the entirety of Middlesbrough and Sunderland combined.
They were about to comment that his conversion rate of 0.0008% potentially had
room for improvement when they were interrupted by King – “I’m sorry… did you
say I was voted Spurs best player since the Premier League began?”
“That’s just fucking mental”
When asked about King’s award Pochettino said “Lads… it’s
Spurs” and walked off.
Goodnight.
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