Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Five

Lossl (4.4 HUD) - Huddersfield have not scored in 4 games – which tends to put pressure on a defence that was pretty average to begin with. Lossl has conceded 9 goals in the last three matches and his performance against Chelsea was the equivalent of waving a white flag as the ball sailed past him again… and again… and again. Huddersfield need to be put out of their misery.

Le Marchand (4.2 FUL) – Averaging 2.5 goals conceded every time he takes to the field, the Fulham full back is one of the worst defenders ever to have set foot in the Premier League. Lacking the near vital skill of tackling is always a big red flag, but Le Marchand also possesses the positional sense of a Tiger, adrift on a small boat in the middle of a pacific. Does anyone even remember at this point that Claudio Ranieri is actually the manager of Fulham? I literally forgot they bothered to change their coach half way through this absolute car crash of a season.

Lichtsteiner (4.5 ARS) – From adrift with Richard Parker to being mauled by Raheem Sterling – the England international tore apart the aging Swiss right back in one of the most haunting miss-matches of modern times. Somehow Manchester City only scored 1 goal in a second half display where 6 or 7 wouldn’t have flattered them. I know Bellerin is out for a long time with veganism, but sending this guy out to deal with the pace of City was more painful than Blackadder going over the top.

Keane (4.9 EVE) - Now more comfortable in this team than his own, it’s hard to fathom the complete and utter collapse of Michael Keane’s career. Moving from Burnley for 25m, 2 years ago, the move made sense for everyone. Burnley got a great fee for a player in a position they had strength and Everton had signed a young, English back who looked the perfect long term replacement for Phil Jagielka. Keane now looks completely shot. He seems to have lost all mobility and his positional sense is so absent I often find myself just starring at him… wondering where me might possibly go next.

Silva is in trouble – make no mistake about that. Whilst Everton aren’t expected to be in the top six, they should certainly be putting pressure on it. They were battered at home by a newly promoted team and are now only 2 points off 12^th. 

It’s alright Michael… you’ve got Sergio Aguero next. Something to look forward to there.

Cook (4.4 BOU) – Oh Bournemouth – is there a harder to predict team in league history? How on earth can you beat Chelsea 4-0 one week and lose 2-0 to Cardiff the next? What on earth was Steve Cook thinking when he handled the ball? The Cherries skipper’s performances are as fair weather as anyone’s nowadays. Eddie Howe rightfully questioned his team’s mentality after the match… he could start by giving his other centre back the captaincy and installing a work ethic that doesn’t seem to be pre-determined by a wheel of fortune before the match.

Torreira (4.8 ARS) – Fair from solely to blame for Arsenal’s tactical naivety and second half collapse, Torreira was nonetheless a shower of steaming, seven day old shit against Manchester City. Bought to add bite as well as bark to the brittle Arsenal core – here he offered mere playful yaps as the farcically talented midfield quartet of City danced around him.

I mean… seriously Pep… Fern, Gundo, Bernando, KDB and Silva all in the middle of the park at once? That’s just not cricket lad. Have a fucking heart.

Not least to those poor twats who triple captained Leroy fucking Sane.

Davies (5.1 EVE) – I questioned the first team opportunities of both Davies and Lookman earlier in the season. Both were struggling for game time and I felt their energy could push Everton forward. Well, Tom Davies has now been on the football pitch for 13 hours this season and has achieved precisely zero goal involvement. He looks bereft of confidence and with no clear idea as to his role.

Answers on a postcard to a Mr M.Silva, Goodison Park.

Walcott (6.0 EVE) – I won’t labour this point too much. Theo Walcott is a man who has confounded football fans for a decade with general awfulness offset by a goal involvement ratio that was up there with the greats. Indeed, when Walcott smashed in two goals for Everton back in August he brought his average to a goal/assist every 133 minutes over a 13 year career.

Since then, he has scored 1 goal in 1400 minutes.

Or to put it another way. You could fly to New Zealand and watch Theo Walcott play in 21 matches back to back and only see him score once.

Christ… and people say Climate Change is a nightmare.

Sanchez (10.0 ARS) – 3 goals in 25 matches is probably not what anybody expected when United signed Sanchez 12 months ago. In and out of the team, never once finding even a semblance of the form he showed at Arsenal, the Chilean got another chance to show that he deserves a place in the Manchester front line… and fluffed his audition yet again. In truth, one now takes little pleasure in pointing out Sanchez’ shortcomings. He can no longer move with either the speed or dexterity that he once could. His body seems to have aged 10 years, not 1, since that fateful transfer. The problem with Sanchez is that energy was absolutely key to his game… and without it he’s just not good enough of a footballer to adapt. 

Recall his peak performances. Were they the result of 2 or 3 moments of genius a la an Aguero or Kane? Were they the result of dictating the ebb and flow of a match through passing and movement like a Xavi or Silva. No… they were games where his hunger and involvement were near total. He kept going. He never gave up. Sanchez at Arsenal (and often his country) was the embodiment of the phrase if at first you don’t succeed try and try again. His passing stats have always been awful. His lost possession ones even worse. But he kept coming back for more and often, by sheer force of will, he would eventually score.

Neil Young once wrote “it’s better to burn out, then to fade away.” 

Right now, it somehow feels that Sanchez is doing both.

Deeney (5.9 WAT) – Brighton v Watford was a very average game of football that saw two terrible performances from the number 9s in contrasting ways. First up is big Troy Deeney. A man who when even on the fringes of a contest as much as this one, could never truly be called invisible. 11 touches in the final third all match with just 3 in the box, Troy did at least manage to fire off a couple of shots. Neither of which were remotely on target.

Terrible.

Locadia (5.3 BHA) – By contrast, Locadia was much more involved and much of the reason why Brighton didn’t walk away with three points was down to the finishing of both himself and Shane Duffy, who continues his strange role as Brighton’s most dangerous player in both boxes.

Locadia meanwhile had 5 shots, 4 from within the penalty area and at least 2 of which were whites of the eyes chances that he fluffed like an unlucky work experience kid who’s stumbled onto a porn set.

And nobody had a happy ending.

Unless you captained Aguero obviously.

You unimaginable bastards.

HM. 

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