Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Two

Pope (4.6 BUR) – Burnley were blown away by Chelsea and are in serious trouble. Thus far they have managed to grind out wins every time a full-blown crisis has reared its head. But they are now 3 points above the relegation zone and play Leicester, Manchester United and Arsenal next. Nick Pope is a fine keeper, but he should have done better with two of the Chelsea goals, one of which literally just went through him. Burnley need to remember their fighting spirit, and for the love of God get Ashley Barnes back on the pitch and scoring goals again.

Cook (5.0 BOU) – Allegedly the central defender and captain of a Premier League team, Steve Cook couldn’t marshal his way out of the fucking Kokiri Forest let alone find the Ocarina of Time. Bournemouth are currently summing up the general malaise of teams at the bottom of the table. They can’t defend, they can’t attack. They are just kind of… there. Like a colourless vapour with no meaning.

Konsa & Mings (4.3/4.5 AVL) – Being torn apart by Manchester City is a rite of passage for many a Premier League defence; but this was an especially poor showing from the Villa centre backs. Collectively they didn’t win a single tackle or header in 90 minutes. Which whether you’re playing Manchester City, Accrington Stanley or the 1970 Brazil team… is still pathetic.

Zimmerman (4.4 NOR) – Marooned at the bottom of the table and now having conceded 45 goals already, Norwich are heading back to the Championship quicker than Delia can rustle up a Victoria Sponge. Toothless without Pukki, their defence has failed to support them all season. Manchester “Ole’s at the Wheel” United have scored 20% of all their league goals against Norwich.

Have some self-respect lads.

Perez (6.1 LEI) – Soundly beaten at home by Southampton (the score line flattered Leicester) – Perez acutely summed up the difference between the last time these two met. Shimmering with menace a couple of months ago, the Spaniard highlighted once again what a deeply frustrating football player he is. Possessing a level of inconsistency rarely seen out of an Arsenal shirt, Perez managed to complete a barely credible 10 out of 16 attempted passes and created literally fuck all before being dragged from the football pitch like a child escorted home by his mother after falling in a muddy puddle.

Perez has scored 3 goals in one game this season. And 2 in his other 19…

Eriksen (8.6 TOT) – What a sad end this is to Eriksen’s Spurs career. Still there, playing out his resignation in front of thousands. The Dane was anonymous against Liverpool, a passenger without a ticket who wandered around with all the menace of a decaffeinated instant coffee. 

Goodbye Christian, so long and thanks for all the fish.

Trossard (5.8 BHA) – It’s been an uneven debut season in the Premier League for Leandro Trossard, who has looked like a world beater one minute and Theo Walcott the next. After finally getting a 90-minute run in the team for the rotation happy Potter, the Belgian has done precisely nothing with that time other than cut inside and shoot on sight like some sort of blonde Nathan Redmond.

Brighton love to shoot. They have fired off 277 efforts on goal already, but a conversion rate of just 9% is terrible. Maupay and Trossard are two of the team’s worst offenders and both are talented enough to score with more regularity than once in ten. 

Ozil (7.2 ARS) – In classic Ozil style, the German followed up a superb performance playing against Manchester United, with this stale fart of a display against Crystal Palace. Everything about Ozil screamed nothing in this match. No touches in the box, no shots on goal, no dribbles even attempted, no crosses, no chances created. His heat map looked like a teenager who has just got his first zit.

Jimenez (7.5 WOL) – The Mexican Metronome ™ has been in fine form this season, but this was not one of his best displays. He often stumbled leading the line and should have scored with a chance put on a plate with a full set of cutlery and a glass of wine from Adama Traore.

Wolves have stumbled a bit after a fine run and are starting to look a little leggy. Although only a fool would write them off before a fixture turn given their near farcical record against the bigger teams.

Next up, a match against the most in form side across all four divisions bar Liverpool.

That’s right folks, Danny Ings and ten amateur footballers really are playing that well.

Solanke (5.2 BOU) – Oh Dominic. What a useless striker you are. You haven’t scored in 2 years. Two Years. What are you doing with your life? You have stats that make Shane Long and Christian Benteke look good.

Saido Berahino is a better striker than you are. You have played over 40 times and had over 50 shots in this period. Do you know where the goal is? Are you aware that you are paid over a million pounds a year specifically to score goals?

What even are you?

Other than fucking shit.

HM