5 Things we've learnt from the 19/20 season so far – in an alternate Universe

Liverpool stare relegation in the face

After the dizzy heights of last season, it was to prove yet another false dawn for the luckless Scousers, who spend Christmas Day entrenched in the relegation zone having won just 2 matches all season, both against Everton. Saido Mane has now extended his goal drought to 15 games after the selfless Mo Salah picked him out again and again during last nights heavy defeat by Leicester.

At the back, Virgil Van Dijk was recently rated above Phil Jones and Jack Stephens as the league’s worst central defender. Whilst Lovren has done his best amongst the shit alongside him, the same can’t be said for Liverpool’s meek full backs. Klopp has steadfastly refused to drop Andrew Robertson, despite a county wide poll demanding the recall of Alberto Moreno to the club. The Scotsman has looked lost on the pitch, barely breaking into a jog most matches and at one point refusing an overlapping run to campaign for independence instead. On the other side Trent Alexander Arnold has now put in 234 unsuccessful crosses in a row. He is without an assist in 4 months.

Klopp has not been seen smiling since last Easter and has vowed his team’s form will shift “the second this fucking weather does.”

McGoldrick blasts in 20^th goal already

David McGoldrick scored his third hat trick of the campaign against Watford and propelled himself to the top of the Premier League scorers table in the process. The prolific Bladesman has carried his team this season, which is just as well owing to their disorganised defence. John Lundstram continues to play as a deep lying centre back in a role clearly unsuitable for him. He has been part of a backline that has shipped 40 goals already. He sits in 0.01% of FPL teams.

McGoldrick credits his recent form to copying the playing style of Ashley Barnes, who sits second in the top scorers table. “Me and Barnsey are two peas in the same pod really… we’ve always managed to run around like mentalists and rough up the opposition, but now we’ve added the actual ability to shoot to our impressive armouries.”

McGoldrick ended by expressing his disappointment that despite his recent exploits, he was yet to have his own train.

Xhaka leads Arsenal to summit

Top of the table and unbeaten so far, the decision to employ Granit Xhaka as player manager in the summer has been hailed as a “masterstroke” by Arsenal fans around the world. The Swiss midfielder has taken on more roles than an army knife, but has succeeded in them all. Xhaka was superb this weekend, and instrumental in beating Bournemouth, the league’s most inconsistent team (some things will never change). He set up the first for the returning Emmanuel Eboue, before lashing in the second with a 40-yard free kick that would have made Roberto Carlos blush.

Xhaka was quick to praise himself after the match in his usual style – “people like to talk about the team, and yeah, they’re doing okay… but I prefer to talk about myself. 15 assists and 10 goals this season don’t happen by accident. I’m leading from the front and my relationship with the fans has never been better. They love me here. Almost as much as I love myself.”

Meanwhile, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang finally scored his first goal of the season whilst on loan at Tranmere Rovers.

Hammers hammer Palace thanks to strength at both ends

In one of the most open matches of the season, West Ham and Palace went toe to toe on Boxing Day but only one side came out blowing bubbles. The scoreline of 4-0 told nothing of the real story, as both teams had 25 shots on goal. West Ham, with the fully fit Lanzini pulling the strings, helped themselves to goal pie as the tireless Anderson and Yarmolenko both bagged braces. 

At the other end though, it was once again thanks to the signing of the season, Roberto Jimenez, to save his team again and again. Breaking the league record with 15 saves in a single match, Roberto has now not been beaten in a month. His manager Pellegrini said “when the owners came to me and said look Manny, we’ve got this guy who is ripping up the soft core porn scene and we wanna give him a shot at the club… I’ll be honest I had my doubts… I mean sure he might well have the best hands in the business when it comes to fluffing cock, but is he gonna be able to keep out balls of a different size coming at him from all angles.”

The Chilean added that he was delighted to have been proven wrong… and that before most games the pre-match warm ups had now been replaced with group watching of Roberto’s blue movie highlights. 

Sherwood return sets up second half of the season for the ages

Almost as unexpected as “Granit’s Arsenal” has been the success of Tottenham Hotspur since controversially moving to reappoint Tim “Tactics” Sherwood. After sacking Pochettino after 5 successive losses, all of which featured Heung-Min Son being sent off and reinstated upon appeal, Daniel Levy shocked the footballing world by moving again for Sherwood. In a bizarre statement Levy said that he had “finally realised, that every single success this club has had, came from the foundations that Tim laid.” Glossing over a near 12 year wait for a trophy, Levy added that “Tim is the boy… the absolute fucking boy… and he’s going to show it.”

Since taken over Spurs have been beaten just once, when they were outclassed by the random results generator that is Manchester “Ole’s at the fucking wheel” United. Sherwood has guided them to second and has brought the best out of Moussa Sissoko; who has responded well to Tim’s idea that “he needs to get in the fucking box more” by reinventing himself as a number 9 and poaching 15 goals so far.

Harry Kane continues to marshal the defence as captain and gilet sales have increased 450% year on year. 

Happy New Year

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Fourteen

ALISSON (6.0 LIV) – Charging off his line like a tooled up spartan, Alisson’s handball and subsequent red card means Liverpool head into the Merseyside derby without their number 1. However, given the last time Everton won at Anfield, @KylieFpl was in nappies, one shouldn’t worry too much

COOK (5.0 BOU) – A 78% pass completion is bad for a midfielder, it’s awful for a centre back. The inexplicably only one year older than Jesse Lingard defender, mixed this with winning just 2 out of 8 headers and completing zero blocks or clearances. As useful as a white crayon.

STEPHENS (4.3 SOU) – Arguably the worst defender in top flight football, I refuse to believe that Saints don’t have other defenders that can take the place of Jack Stephens. Yes they have 5 pretty rum centre backs, but Stephens is still the worst. Lacking even the most basic of abilities to make it in a professional capacity… here we still are… watching him try to defend every week. He has started 6 games in the Premier League this season and has amassed a staggering 5 FPL points with 0 clean sheets. Just. Stop. Picking. Him. Please.

BARDSLEY (4.3 BUR) – From one shit show to another, Phil Bardsley is basically that guy who wanders around the local park begging teams for a game. He finished the match on Saturday by completing just 17 passes at a rate of little over 50%? You are paid to play football for fucks sake. Absolutely bollocks.

LUIZ (5.8 ARS) – 0 tackles, 0 headers, 0 fucks given – it is now one clean sheet in 13 appearances for David Luiz this season and his keeper has had to make more saves than anyone in the league. Is he on holiday? Arsenal are a laughing stock. And I say that as Manchester United fan for fucks sake.

HOJBJERG (4.8 SOU) – Kicking things off with yet another error that led directly to a goal, the Southampton “captain” then spent most of the first half wandering around the pitch like he was a detectorist looking for loose change. A supremely untalented footballer, how Hutch hasn’t worked out that his problems begin in the centre of his team yet remains beyond me. You wonder, at this stage, if the penny will ever drop.

SALAH (12.2 LIV) – Visibly unfit and with just 18 touches in the entire match, it is time for Salah to be given a rest. No other team can win the Premier League this season, but Liverpool could still lose it. Wrecking their star asset for the long term would certainly be a start.

PULISIC (7.5 CHE) – 5 attempts in the box. FIVE. 2 of which me Nan would have scored… and Pulisic got zero on target. A genuine horror show of a performance attacking wise from Chelsea. We can give the West Ham keeper credit for not being Roberto, but it’s a bit like giving me credit for not being Boris Johnson. It’s not a fucking benchmark to rate anyone on.

Chelsea have Villa up next, who seem reborn since Jack Grealish came back from injury as Roy of the fucking Rovers. Predictions for that one? Not a fucking clue.

IWOBI (5.7 EVE) – Like a swimming pool with no water, Alex Iwobi is the Becks Blue of football players. Not even good enough to be a real fucking beer. He did not affect the football game for the entirety of the 78 minutes we were forced to watch him try to against Leicester. His xG a solid 0.00. He had just 25 touches, with 0 attempts at goal. He didn’t set foot in the opposition box at any point. Literally. He didn’t go in it. Not once. How is that even possible for a forward? The Everton right back ended up playing both roles to try and cover for how invisible he was. Bring back Theo Walcott.

WOOD (6.2 BUR) – 3 clear chances, all wasted, this was a poor showing for the Burnley front man after a recent return to form. Beaten by 2 goals to 0 by Crystal Palace is a terrible state of affairs for any team. This is a team that can’t even average the bare minimum of a goal a game. Wood has had an astonishing 17 big chances this season. Only Vardy has had more. He has scored just 5 of those.

I’ve been full of praise for the Burnley strikers as is well known… but their midfielders, especially the near farcically underrated McNeil, are putting it on a plate week in week out for them to fluff their lines.

DEULOFEU (6.1 WAT) – All strikers stats pale into comparison to Gerard Deulofeu, statistically the worst shooter in the league, backed up by the worst shooters in the league. The Spaniard has had 33 shots and created 23 chances for his teammates. His conversion rate is just 6%. No other forward comes close to that who has had more than 25 shots. Indeed, you need to go down to McGoldrick at Sheffield United and Joelinton at Newcastle to find equitable levels of excrement. The two “strikers” have amassed 46 shots between them for a single goal.

Lads… come on… it’s what you’re paid to do. Wake up.

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirteen

ROBERTO (4.4 WHU) – Arguably the worst keeper ever to play in the Premier League, it is genuinely baffling how Roberto has got to the stage he has. I’ve seen keepers low on confidence, I’ve seen keepers who keep making errors… but Roberto can’t even do the basics. Positioning wise he’s awful; he flaps at crosses, can’t kick it out with any accuracy and fundamentally, can’t actually save any shot that isn’t straight at him.  Pellegrini rocks up to free scoring Chelsea next and has a simple decision to make. It’s either Roberto’s job or his own. The worry for the Argentine, is that it may already be too late… 

LUIZ (5.8 ARS) – An absolute cluster fuck of a performance. A genuine horror show. And not a good horror show… like a shit spin off of a shit sequel of a shit horror show to begin with. Fucking hell… David Luiz basically spent the whole match in Nilbog*.

At fault for the first goal, Luiz then just gave up as the game went on. Like a slowly deflating balloon filled with toxic gas. Everything he touched turned to poison. Southampton ended the game with 21 shots away from home against a supposed top six team.

Arsenal play Norwich next… who have the next worst defence in the league. Get the popcorn.

MARIAPPA (4.2 WAT) – Playing at home to Burnley, the worst away attack in the league, Mariappa posted zero tackles, zero blocks, zero interceptions and lost 3-0. He has featured in 4 matches so far this season and has a net FPL score of a single point. What the fuck man? Get a new job!

JONES (4.8 MUN) – A 45-minute circus performance from a clown who specialises in parties exclusively for Scousers. Phil Jones often gets a lot of stick… and that’s mainly because he’s absolutely shite. He lasted a single half here before he was put out his misery and likely his United career. Now has the greatest YouTube highlights video in world football.

ALEXANDER-ARNOLD (7.1 LIV) – If you want to get at Liverpool, you put pressure on their fullbacks high up the pitch. This isn’t rocket science, but Hodgson and Palace were brutally unlucky to come away with no points after they executed their game plan to perfection. They missed two guilt edge chances, had a perfectly good goal robbed from them and the mercurial Zaha was a problem for TAA all match. The young right back posted guttural stats here and was badly out of sorts. His pass distribution a hopeless 68% and defensively he failed with 50% of all his tackle, blocks and headers. Yes he remains a creative tour de force in the final third when he’s on song… but defensively he still has to improve if he wants to be the next… er… Gary Neville? George Cohen?

Fuck me we really haven’t had a lot of great right backs in this country…

SCHNEIDERLIN (4.4 EVE) – Few players highlight the malaise at Everton more than Morgan Schneiderlin. The midfielder doesn’t do anything especially wrong… but is incapable of doing anything especially right either. Arsenal, Utd and Spurs have been a car crash in slow motion at times this season… West Ham are doing it in real time. Everton meanwhile aren’t even interesting enough to be comically shit. Instead they are being crushed under the weight of relentless mediocrity. Silva is the walking wounded but his departure is highly unlikely to fix the problems that run deep in a football club who used to tread water, and is now just drowning in it.

DOUCOURE (5.7 WAT) – Key to Watford’s success last season, Watford are struggling when Capoue and Doucoure don’t dominate games like they used to. The Frenchman has seen his defensive numbers drop across the board. He is succeeding with less tackles, winning less headers and making far less clearances. He has also lost his shooting boots. He’s actually firing off a shot every 50 minutes still, but his accuracy is a pathetic 17% and his goal conversion 4.3%. Watford need him to step up, or they are going down. 

DJENEPO (5.2 SOU) – Djenepo may have only played for 14 minutes on Saturday, but in that time he somehow managed to miss two whites of the eyes chances that would have won Saints the game; and fail to roll the ball to visibly unmarked team mates twice more.

For all their defensive fragilities, If Southampton could shoot it would be a very different story. Only Watford & Everton have a worse conversion rate. For shots away from home, only the current top four and Manchester United can match them. They need to start putting away these chances… or… well… not everyone can go down I suppose.

Man there are so many shit teams right now. 

PEREIRA/FRED (5.0 - 5.3 MUN) – A midfield that would get relegated from the Championship, Fred and Pereira are terrible football players who were given a lesson in how to pass and move by a 4m FPL defender and a journeyman who had never played in the top flight until two months ago. Whereas Sheffield United are a well-oiled machine managed by a manager who understands tactics and the importance of the collective over the individual, Manchester United are a wounded animal with the local farmer’s lad trying to ride it bareback. 

These two purposeless animals managed to collectively win just a third of their aerial duels and less than half of their tackles. They blocked no shots, they had no shots of their own, they created no chances at any point of the match. They were bollocks.

WILSON (7.7 BOU) & HALLER (7.2 WHU) – A strike force so out of touch they could be called Hancock & Raab. In the last 11 matches combined they have had 20 shots for zero goals at an accuracy of barely 25%. Haller is at least getting some chances on target; Wilson looks like he has lost the ability to shoot all together. Does any striker in the league go through such ridiculous runs of feast or famine as the Bournemouth number 13?

The most damning thing you can say about these two right now is the players they have kept out of the Team of the Weak. Martial? A man whose reaction to a tough away fixture is hibernation. Aubameyang? A sham of a captain who is wandering around with a bored look in his eye. Maupay? A man who adopts a if I shoot literally every time I get the ball some of them will go in eventually policy? Andre Gray? Two goals all season. Jordan Ayew? A man who is… Jordan Ayew.

Shape up lads.

HM

*if anyone gets this reference I will donate £10 to a charity of their choice

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Eleven

HEATON (4.5 AVL) – It’s now 1 clean sheet in 8 matches for Villa and none in the last 6.  Heaton has hardly been responsible for that, but if Villa are going to stay up, he needs to roll back the years and produce some of the dare defying feats that used to rescue Burnley time and time again. He could help himself by organising his defence at set pieces better. Villa are 3^rd worst for conceding headed chances and behind only Norwich for conceding crosses. A staggering 255 at 23 per match so far.

Man their full backs are shit.

DIOP (4.5 WHU) – Like a drunken bull in a china shop, Issa Diop is currently showing the composure of Alex Iwobi faced with a simple pass. After 3 clean sheets in a row, West Ham have now shipped 10 goals in five and not won a match since week 4. Diop has been booked 4 times in his last 5 matches. West Ham might just be missing Fabianski… 

ANGELINO (4.7) – Allegedly a left back for Manchester fucking City, watching Angelino play against Southampton felt like Pep had given a local lad a run out for charity. Often afforded all the freedom of the Etihad, Angelino again and again had time and space to deliver telling final passes and failed with the efficiency of Network Rail. Just 3 of his 19 (nineteen) crosses found a man… one of which inexplicably resulted in a clumsy full back to full back goal that City barely deserved. I think Mendy’s place for most matches looks pretty safe after this performance…

CAHILL (4.5 CRY) – An in-form Leicester were always going to be a test for Crystal Palace, but the Foxes eased past them with the ease of a new-born baby to its mothers’ breast. Cahill and Tomkins were patchy throughout this match, their collective pass rate was less than 80% and they won just a third of their aerial duels. Cahill did not succeed with a single block, interception or tackle in 90 minutes. Hodgson’s loyalty to whoever is in his team at any point is legendary… it often seems the only way players are dropped is via injury or suspension. Martin Kelly may well be a versatile journeyman, but he has been statistically the club’s best defender in 2019. 

Palace play Cahill’s old club next, and the thought of Abraham, Mount and Pulisic running at his aging legs is a frightening thought. It’s time to put Kelly back in the team again Roy.

AARONS (4.4 NOR) – No headers, no clearances, no interceptions, no blocks. Can Max Aarons actually… you know… defend? Because that is supposed to be his job. 

Does he realise that? Does anybody at Norwich City realise that…

ERIKSEN (8.7 TOT) – But a few months ago Christian Eriksen was talked about as one of the best midfielders in world football. His problem, playing for Spurs, is that the 7 or 8 better clubs who he wanted to move to didn’t want him. His transfer stale mate has just turned stale full stop, and this has translated into form so desperate that it’s hard to now see how he will take the final step up to the top of the ladder that he craved. Eriksen, like Spurs, has been in appalling form this season. He has just one assist so far. One? This is a player who has 58 over 4 seasons. His Goal Involvement over that period has been one every 130 minutes. This season? It’s once every 350.

Eriksen played liked a child with a soiled nappy against Everton. He was shit from start to finish. His pass completion was 65% in the opponent’s half. Sixty five percent? That is bad for a pub player, let alone one of the finest passers of the ball in the league. He crossed the ball once all match. He created zero chances. 

Spurs look shot… the top four is there for Leicester’s taking.

RICHARLISON (7.9 EVE) – If Eriksen was the child with the dirty nappy, Richarlison was the baby who had lost its dummy. He spent 80% of the game on the ground and fluffed every chance that was presented to him. He only completed 2 out of every 3 passes, created nothing and should have been booked for simulation 137 times. The Spurs centre backs deserve medals for not assaulting him.

SALAH (12.3 LIV) – Mohammed Salah has yet to score away from home this season and left the field after barely an hour this weekend with his team trailing. Something is clearly not right and it’s not just his shooting boots. Liverpool have the best first XI in the league, but they don’t have the depth in their squad of City, or even Chelsea. Adam Lallana is not an adequate replacement for anyone. Not even the Adam Lallana of 2014. Liverpool are continuing to win matches by hook or crook, which is a great habit to have and a hard one to break. City are up next… and whilst games between rivals rarely feel like actual title deciders… this one might just be. The good news for Liverpool, is that on home turf Salah is a different beast. But they need him fully fit and firing on their travels if they are going to finally break their Premier League title duck.

CEBALLOS (5.4 ARS) – Paired with Mesut Ozil in a rare creative double up, Danni Ceballos faded away like a fart in the breeze.

MARTIAL (7.6 MUN) – In strong winds, heavy rain and on the south coast away from home… there are few footballers you would trust more to get to the job done than Anthony Martial. If I had a pound for every time somebody told me about the potential of the Frenchman I could buy him myself. Martial is the current number 9 at Manchester United and he needs to step up and step up now. His record of 37 goals in 119 appearances is nowhere near good enough. Even in the past two seasons it is still around 1 in 3 and it needs to be 1 in 2 to remotely justify keeping faith with him at this level. Not just that… but Martial seems to lack the effort or nous to make the great leap forward. He never looks for the ball in these sort of matches. He just wanders around and hopes for the best. You’ve just been bested by Steve Cook mate. Pull yourself together.

AYEW (5.1 CRY) – A scruffy looking nerf herder of a football, how is it that Jordan Ayew manages to look like he’s just been picked up from the local park each match. I mean, he fundamentally has to wear the same clothes as everyone else, yet still manages to look like he’s dressed up for a bonfire night no matter the weather. He’s also about as much use as firework with no fuse and all. I mean… Ayew is a terrible footballer. Does any club have worst strikers than Crystal Palace? Imagine having to choose between Ayew and Benteke every week. 

It’s like… what’s that… there’s another General Election?

Oh for fucks sake.

HM

p.s. If anyone wants to see how my FPL season is going... this video will tell you all you need to know... courtersy of the brilliant @SeekingDusan

https://www.captiongenerator.com/1563472/Hitler-Replicates-Hindu-Monkeys-FPL-Strategy