Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Eleven

HEATON (4.5 AVL) – It’s now 1 clean sheet in 8 matches for Villa and none in the last 6.  Heaton has hardly been responsible for that, but if Villa are going to stay up, he needs to roll back the years and produce some of the dare defying feats that used to rescue Burnley time and time again. He could help himself by organising his defence at set pieces better. Villa are 3^rd worst for conceding headed chances and behind only Norwich for conceding crosses. A staggering 255 at 23 per match so far.

Man their full backs are shit.

DIOP (4.5 WHU) – Like a drunken bull in a china shop, Issa Diop is currently showing the composure of Alex Iwobi faced with a simple pass. After 3 clean sheets in a row, West Ham have now shipped 10 goals in five and not won a match since week 4. Diop has been booked 4 times in his last 5 matches. West Ham might just be missing Fabianski… 

ANGELINO (4.7) – Allegedly a left back for Manchester fucking City, watching Angelino play against Southampton felt like Pep had given a local lad a run out for charity. Often afforded all the freedom of the Etihad, Angelino again and again had time and space to deliver telling final passes and failed with the efficiency of Network Rail. Just 3 of his 19 (nineteen) crosses found a man… one of which inexplicably resulted in a clumsy full back to full back goal that City barely deserved. I think Mendy’s place for most matches looks pretty safe after this performance…

CAHILL (4.5 CRY) – An in-form Leicester were always going to be a test for Crystal Palace, but the Foxes eased past them with the ease of a new-born baby to its mothers’ breast. Cahill and Tomkins were patchy throughout this match, their collective pass rate was less than 80% and they won just a third of their aerial duels. Cahill did not succeed with a single block, interception or tackle in 90 minutes. Hodgson’s loyalty to whoever is in his team at any point is legendary… it often seems the only way players are dropped is via injury or suspension. Martin Kelly may well be a versatile journeyman, but he has been statistically the club’s best defender in 2019. 

Palace play Cahill’s old club next, and the thought of Abraham, Mount and Pulisic running at his aging legs is a frightening thought. It’s time to put Kelly back in the team again Roy.

AARONS (4.4 NOR) – No headers, no clearances, no interceptions, no blocks. Can Max Aarons actually… you know… defend? Because that is supposed to be his job. 

Does he realise that? Does anybody at Norwich City realise that…

ERIKSEN (8.7 TOT) – But a few months ago Christian Eriksen was talked about as one of the best midfielders in world football. His problem, playing for Spurs, is that the 7 or 8 better clubs who he wanted to move to didn’t want him. His transfer stale mate has just turned stale full stop, and this has translated into form so desperate that it’s hard to now see how he will take the final step up to the top of the ladder that he craved. Eriksen, like Spurs, has been in appalling form this season. He has just one assist so far. One? This is a player who has 58 over 4 seasons. His Goal Involvement over that period has been one every 130 minutes. This season? It’s once every 350.

Eriksen played liked a child with a soiled nappy against Everton. He was shit from start to finish. His pass completion was 65% in the opponent’s half. Sixty five percent? That is bad for a pub player, let alone one of the finest passers of the ball in the league. He crossed the ball once all match. He created zero chances. 

Spurs look shot… the top four is there for Leicester’s taking.

RICHARLISON (7.9 EVE) – If Eriksen was the child with the dirty nappy, Richarlison was the baby who had lost its dummy. He spent 80% of the game on the ground and fluffed every chance that was presented to him. He only completed 2 out of every 3 passes, created nothing and should have been booked for simulation 137 times. The Spurs centre backs deserve medals for not assaulting him.

SALAH (12.3 LIV) – Mohammed Salah has yet to score away from home this season and left the field after barely an hour this weekend with his team trailing. Something is clearly not right and it’s not just his shooting boots. Liverpool have the best first XI in the league, but they don’t have the depth in their squad of City, or even Chelsea. Adam Lallana is not an adequate replacement for anyone. Not even the Adam Lallana of 2014. Liverpool are continuing to win matches by hook or crook, which is a great habit to have and a hard one to break. City are up next… and whilst games between rivals rarely feel like actual title deciders… this one might just be. The good news for Liverpool, is that on home turf Salah is a different beast. But they need him fully fit and firing on their travels if they are going to finally break their Premier League title duck.

CEBALLOS (5.4 ARS) – Paired with Mesut Ozil in a rare creative double up, Danni Ceballos faded away like a fart in the breeze.

MARTIAL (7.6 MUN) – In strong winds, heavy rain and on the south coast away from home… there are few footballers you would trust more to get to the job done than Anthony Martial. If I had a pound for every time somebody told me about the potential of the Frenchman I could buy him myself. Martial is the current number 9 at Manchester United and he needs to step up and step up now. His record of 37 goals in 119 appearances is nowhere near good enough. Even in the past two seasons it is still around 1 in 3 and it needs to be 1 in 2 to remotely justify keeping faith with him at this level. Not just that… but Martial seems to lack the effort or nous to make the great leap forward. He never looks for the ball in these sort of matches. He just wanders around and hopes for the best. You’ve just been bested by Steve Cook mate. Pull yourself together.

AYEW (5.1 CRY) – A scruffy looking nerf herder of a football, how is it that Jordan Ayew manages to look like he’s just been picked up from the local park each match. I mean, he fundamentally has to wear the same clothes as everyone else, yet still manages to look like he’s dressed up for a bonfire night no matter the weather. He’s also about as much use as firework with no fuse and all. I mean… Ayew is a terrible footballer. Does any club have worst strikers than Crystal Palace? Imagine having to choose between Ayew and Benteke every week. 

It’s like… what’s that… there’s another General Election?

Oh for fucks sake.

HM

p.s. If anyone wants to see how my FPL season is going... this video will tell you all you need to know... courtersy of the brilliant @SeekingDusan

https://www.captiongenerator.com/1563472/Hitler-Replicates-Hindu-Monkeys-FPL-Strategy