Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Two

Patricio (WOL 4.5) – A touch harsh, but with no keeper conceding more than 2 goals this game week bar the Wolves stopper, he kicks things off as the defacto choice. Also, he doesn’t really dive. Like at all. It’s like he considers it beyond him. Literally I suppose.

Mustafi (ARS 5.4) – Arsenal were terrible at West Ham – devoid of creativity, energy and nous. When Alex Iwobi is your best player it’s time to retire from the sport. Mustafi has never really been a good defender; his 20 caps for the national team feel more like a typo than anything grounded in reality. He was withdrawn early against West Ham after being pulled all over the place by the movement of Samir Nasri. A guy who has just come back from a year long doping ban.

Boly (WOL 4.6) – The sort of tackle that would have been cheered to the rafters when I was a lad. But I’m not a lad now. I’m almost 40. And it was a fucking ridiculous challenge.

Bryan (FUL 4.8) – This week’s obligatory Fulham defender goes to Joe Bryan. Who scored an own goal, was generally rubbish and has helped his side now keep a single clean sheet in 22 matches. It would take a minor miracle for one of Fulham or Huddersfield to stay up this season. Although ironically if you combined the back eight of Huddersfield and the front three of Fulham they might have a chance.

The back eight of Fulham and the front three of Huddersfield meanwhile…

Fucking hell… that would be like waking up with no teeth.

Ake (BOU 5.0) – This blog is hardly a unique resting place for a hapless Bournemouth defender, but this is a debut for Nathan Ake. The former Chelsea man was imperious at the start of the season, but now looks more like a lamb who has lost his mother, wandering aimlessly around the hills with a sad look on his face. Bournemouth have won 1 in 9 and kept a clean sheet just once in the last 12. No wonder Man Utd have stormed into… no wait… they’re still 6^th…

The same position they were in when they sacked Jose?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jorginho (CHE 4.7) – Chelsea continue to flatter to deceive this season, despite still sat calmly in the top four wondering what all the fuss is about. The merits of Jorginho replacing the world’s best holding midfielder have been widely discussed in other, more respectable publications than this. The Monkey’s view continues to be one of bafflement than fury. Mainly because watching Kante try and play in an advanced inside right position provides one with such comical befuddlement each week that I almost don’t want it to end.

Regardless of this, Jorginho had a poor game on Saturday. Indeed his own manager delivered the strange comment post match that had he still had Cesc Fabregas, he would have come on at half time.

If Chelsea are going to continue to employ a quarter back where a terrier once was – they probably need to keep more clean sheets and have their midfield general not make 20,000 passes without registering an assist.

Xhaka (ARS 5.3) – It says everything about the state of Arsenal that they can run down the contract of Aaron Ramsey whilst continue to play Granit Xhaka. One of the worst players ever to play regularly for the club. The Sunday league hacker come Swiss watchmaker was woeful on Saturday – eventually dragged before the hour mark after being dominated by England Non International Mark Noble.

Frankly Unai… if you keep picking him… so will I.

Mendy (LEI 4.5) - Beaten at home by a Saints side freed from the shackles of ineptitude that was life under Mark Hughes; much of this result was due to the work of Mendy. Firstly shoving Shane Long onto the ground for no apparent reason to concede a penalty; and following this up with getting essentially tackled by Shane Long to concede a goal.

Shane Long. I mean... dude... come on.

Mane (LIV 9.5) – It seems strange to pick out a player who is a key component of the side at the top of table – but Liverpool continue to appear to gain points despite, rather than because, of their Senegalese winger. Mane started the season with a bang, but has scored just two goals since Cardiff back in game week 10. More of a note however, has been his creativity. Or rather lack of it. Extraordinarily, Mane has registered an assist in just a single league match this season. A double against Watford.

2 assists all season, in a single match, for a winger playing in a team who have scored 50 goals so far.

I don’t really have anything witty to say about it. I’m just kinda letting you all know at this point.

Hazard (CHE 11.1) – To say Hazard doesn’t enjoy being a centre forward is a bit of an under statement. Clearly at his best playing off a big striker (who isn’t Morata) it’s strange to see him continue to be deployed in this role whilst the sublimely mediocre, but visibly effective, Olivier Giroud warms the bench.

Part of me admires the stubbornness of Sarri. He’s like a Geography teacher trying to work out why meanders meander.

Poor Hazard meanwhile, is starting to resemble the lad who’s being punished for not colouring in his map correctly.

Mounie (HUD 5.8) – 1 goal in 1126 of league football this season.

Excrement.