Hennessey (4.5 CRY) –
Put to the sword by a rampant West Ham in the second half, Wayne Hennessey
is a curious keeper who looks utterly average most of the time but then makes
the odd incredible save to convince you otherwise. He’s like a cut rate David
De Gea. Crystal Palace bought Vicente Guaita in the summer, and still have
Julian Speroni on their books – yet neither have managed to dislodge the
Welshman from the number 1 jersey. No keeper in the bottom half of the table
has made less saves than Hennessey (combining the Fulham/Huddersfield keepers)
– which is a concern for a club who score less than a fart on the Richter
scale.
Cook (4.6 BOU) – An
abomination of a performance from the Bournemouth centre back. Who was to
Mohammed Salah what a sardine is to a shark. He scored an own goal, was torn
inside out throughout and couldn’t even foul Salah properly in the build up to
the second goal. If he could have substituted himself, he would have done.
Yedlin (4.5 NEW) – Somehow
still in the Newcastle team despite doing all he can of late to prove he
shouldn’t; Yedlin took matters into his own hands on Sunday by getting sent off
for hauling down Jota on his route to goal. The American is a classic Newcastle
player in every sense – one capable of looking high quality and full of passion
for a few games… and then like the worst player on earth a few later. The worst
thing you can say about Newcastle right now; is that whilst they used to be a
laughable self-proclaimed super power falling down from the elites of English
football… now they are merely an irrelevance.
Keane (5.1 EVE) – A
terrible centre back who is getting worse with every passing month. Keane seems
to possess none of the confidence required to marshall a defence. When faced
with opponents running at him he looks like a small child after a Watership
Down screening. He failed to win 50% of his tackles and headers against
Watford, never once imposing himself on the contest. It remains all too easy to
get at the Everton defence – especially at home where the full backs bomb on.
Bellerin (5.5 ARS) – Bellerin
is not a brilliant defender – a statement which will come as little surprise to
anyone. Sure he kept a clean sheet on Saturday – but against Huddersfield
that’s a bit like being given a medal for getting dressed in the morning. He’s
in here though because he’s an absolutely god awful wing back offensively.
Bellerin is quick – really quick. But he can’t pass, can’t cross and can’t
shoot. If he could, Arsenal could be brilliant. Only 20% of his crosses have
been successful this season – but his main problem is the lack of chances he’s
created in comparison to how often he is in the opponent’s final third. He’s
had more touches there than Andrew Robertson, probably the league’s leading
attacking full back right now. But whereas the Scot has created 18 chances in
14 games. Bellerin has created just 7 in all 16. Indeed, despite now playing as
an attacking wing back for Arsenal, he is creating a chance every 200 minutes
this season.
Matt Doherty? 74. Digne? A staggering 37. Yedlin? 100. In
fact – there are sixty two defenders
in the league currently creating chances with more regularity than Hector
Bellerin?
What is he doing when he’s up there? Oh that’s right… not
finding a fucking teammate.
Sterling (11.6 MCI) –
It seems unfair to pick on Sterling given the vitriolic abuse that was
dished out to him by the Chelsea fans. The expression of almost disbelief on
his face as he came back on to the pitch painted a compelling picture of the disgusting
atmosphere that still permeates many grounds across the country. That put to
one side however, this was another toothless showing from the Englishman in a
big match. City have played Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham and Manchester United
this season and Sterling has just one assist in all of them. His goal
involvement against the top six clubs is one every 216 minutes. Against all
other clubs it is a preposterous one every 52 minutes.
I mean. I’m not saying he’s a flat track bully. But the
Indian Cricket team have got in touch.
Sane (9.5 MCI) – It’s
unsure whether Leroy Sane has yet managed to find his way out of Azpilicueta’s
pocket, but when he eventually does he could do worse than study his
performance and work out how much of a lesson he was truly given by the Spaniard.
Nothing came off for German – which was all the more surprising given his form
going into the match. He was eventually hauled off before even getting to the
hour mark – with the imperious Azpilicueta then proceeding to find room in the
other side of his shorts for Sterling as well.
Seri (5.2 FUL) – I’m
not really sure what Seri does for Fulham. He doesn’t score or particularly create,
but then he doesn’t protect his defence either. Is he just there to take
corners? Is that the best use of one of your eleven players if he doesn’t offer
anything else? He’s like a poor man’s James Ward-Prowse.
Dear God can you imagine that? A poor man’s James
Ward-Prowse?
I think that’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever said about
anybody.
Zaha (6.7 CRY) – Zaha
is one of the all-time great flatters to deceive players. The anti Aubameyang
if you will. Whereas the Arsenal man mostly just wanders around the pitch doing
nothing except suddenly being there to help put the ball in the net… the Palace
talisman is all action, all energy and pretty much all no end product. Zaha has
scored 3 times this season, mostly playing as a centre forward. Richarlison has
8 which seems a fair comparison given the respective sides and the style of the
players. His points per match is worse than Rashford, Chicarito and Rondon. He
has now been booked five times, all for diving or lashing out at an opponent
after diving.
Palace need more from him. It’s all very well looking like the best player on the
pitch… but if you can’t translate that to numbers, you may as well be Matt
Ritchie.
Who is shit. Absolute shit. I really can't stress this enough.
Iheanacho (5.9 LEI) –
1 goal in 800 of minutes of football.
Austin (5.5 SOU) – Southampton
really can’t shoot. Only Chelsea and Manchester City have had more shots than
them so far this season. But whereas they have a shot to goal conversion rate
of 12 to 15% respectively… Southampton’s is… wait for it… 5%.
I mean? Come on lads? Twenty
shots to get one goal? What is happening on that training pitch? Are you practicing
with fucking beach balls for heaven’s sake?
Austin epitomises the malaise up front as well as anyone. He
fires off a shot every 29 minutes yet has just one goal all season. He is
visibly not mobile enough to play the lone striker role that he was thrust into
on Saturday. Amazingly he is still only 29 – despite looking like he’s spent
two decades on a construction site.
Ralph. Put. The. Bunny. Back. In. The. Hatch.
Sigh. That joke is so niche Amed would blush.
Oh well.
Hindu Monkey in the morning!
Happy Hunting
HM
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