Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Twenty Nine

Chelsea tactics were both awful… and almost worked
Once again Man City beat Chelsea 1-0 in a match they dominated from start to finish, although this was a very different beast to the game at Stamford Bridge earlier in the season. Antonio Conte was, in part, correct to deflect post-match criticism levelled at him. He had “only” lost 1-0 to the best team in the land on their home turf and was only a well-crafted counter attack away from a draw. Oh Pedro he may have lamented – if only you could pass the ball ten yards once in the entire match things might have turned out differently.

As it was, Conte was roundly slammed for setting his team up with tactics that would have made Mourinho blush. One clip doing the rounds shows a team positioned like “mannequins” whilst Cesc Fabregas “presses” with the power of a flea farting against the breeze. But to play Devils Advocate for a moment – why not mark the space on mass and preserve your energy to try and hit a clearly superior team on the counter? Criticism seemed to be more of the “but you’re Chelsea” variety – as if this was say Brighton, they would have been commended for their tactics almost working. Echoes of Mourinho also abound here – with most of the comments directed at him not being so much as “you’re defensive and boring” but “you’re defensive and boring with a team that cost £400m.”

The point of football, much as some fans might not like to admit it, is gaining points. And if you play negative football in a big match and come away with something that helps achieve a goal at the end of the season (in this instance, qualification for the Champions League) then why not do it?

Well… because if you do it and you don’t get anything from the match, and your players are walking around like they don’t give a toss, and you play your best player out of position yet again… you look like a fucking prick Conte that’s why.

I think I may have confused myself now…

Wenger plumbs new depths in bitter end to glittering career
4 games, 4 defeats. 18 points off relegation. 17 points off second. 33 points off top. 41 goals conceded so far this season. West Brom and Palace have conceded 43 and they’re in the relegation zone. Newcastle, Southampton, Burnley and Brighton have all conceded less. Let alone the top 5. Arsenal have conceded more goals that both Manchester clubs combined.

What a mess Arsene. What an absolute mess. Why on earth didn’t you walk away with your head held moderately high after the FA Cup win? Why haven’t you bought a world class centre back or holding midfielder… in an entire decade? Why did you possibly think that adding two more talented but flaky as fuck attacking players was the answer in January? Why have you spent the past few years wrecking your own legacy and not at any point… literally ever… learnt from your fucking mistakes?

And so it all comes down to this. Win the Europa League to qualify via the back door for the Champions League and leave with one final hurrah to your name. One final act to forgive the pain etched on the faces of every Arsenal fan for still winning considerably more than Liverpool and Spurs over the past ten years.

What’s that? You have AC Milan in the next round and your only fit, eligible striker is Danny Welbeck? Oh Arsene. Oh Arsene.

What a fucking mess.

Everton highlight how the standard has dropped
Everton were 9^th at the start of the weekend. Ninth. They have lost almost half their games this season and are, to be completely blunt, total and utter bollocks. Manchester City cannot be solely blamed for the abject standard of every team below 8^th in the league. They only get to beat everyone twice. The Toffees’ malaise is a damning indictment of the bottom half of the Premier League this season. Where West Brom can have just 20 points and still escape relegation if they ever decide that, you know, Alan Pardew was never the answer.

Everton are sleep walking under Big Sam. A manager who looks like he’s been brought out of a cryogenic freeze rather than retirement. No wonder his players are performing with such a lack of flair and dynamism when he can barely bring himself to construct a single positive sentence.

Has there been a worse centre back in the league this season than Ashley Williams? He has made Michael Keane look good. That’s the Michael Keane who was at fault for both Burnley goals this weekend and generally looks like he doesn’t know what a football actually is. Everton at least don’t have to play Williams for the next 3 games, his needless suspension the act of man who just wanted an escape from it all.

Everton have Brighton and Stoke in their next two matches and can still get relegated if they lose them. On this evidence, you wouldn’t get many takers to back them to win against anyone.

Swans Hammer Irons
One club going the right way in the bottom half are Swansea. They have been completely reborn under Carlos Carvalhal and this was a victory crafted by so many players who were forgotten at other clubs. Andy King and Andre Ayew were both brilliant as they showed West Ham what teams are capable of when they play with a semblance of unity.

Swansea are now up to 13^th having been the bookies favourites to get relegated at Christmas, when they were bottom. They are playing with confidence and were far too good for a West Ham side who are sliding down the table at just the wrong time. This is more what people were expecting when David Moyes took over. Nonsensical tactics, individual errors, calamitous defending, strange team selections (not playing Antonio? You what Dave) – welcome to the suck Irons. This is your life now.

#Moyesout 

Salah is now a farce
Mohammed Salah has already scored more goals than Luis Suarez did in his best season for Liverpool. He is likely to play another 12-14 games this season and could easily end up with 45-50 goals. For a winger, no matter how attacking, that is utterly absurd. He is breaking record after record and defying critic after critic. He could have had a hat trick on Saturday evening (I’m pretty sure that was a professional foul at the end their ref… just throwing that out there) but instead settled for his now bare minimum one.

How players react to Salah next season will be fascinating. Most players aren’t capable of having a season like he’s having, but only two (I don’t need to name them) are usually capable of having them back to back. Will Salah and Liverpool continue to improve as the most fluent attacking unit outside of one half of Manchester? Or will, as Riyad Marhrez discovered, teams step up in turn to mark him out of the game?

All these questions will get answers in the future. Right now Salah is the present. In every sense of the word to Liverpool fans. He is a joy to watch. 

Team of the Weak

Begovic – Played well up until the late equaliser. But I’m sorry pal, you can’t offer Mahrez 80% of the goal to aim at. He didn’t even go over the wall for crying out loud.
Williams – Like a pedigree dog that now needs to be put down.
Keane – Like a wounded puppy that needs to be shot.
Martina – Like a… you get the idea…
Kolasinac – Garbage throughout and inexplicably not sent off for the clearest second yellow you’re likely to see.
Fabregas – I’m just going to stand in front of you until you pass the ball David. Take your time, I’m in no hurry.
Xhaka – Why Wenger. FUCKING WWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!?
Noble – More like Not Able right now.
Mkhitaryan – Hey Mickey you’re so shite, you’re so shite you make me bite hey Mickey!
Vardy – Okay so he needs support, but Vardy is now touching the ball less than the ball boys. That can’t be right…
Pedro – I’ve got this lads. I’ve nicked the ball again, I’ve burst forward… I only have to make this short pass and we’re in… oh no I’ve done it again. Sorry, that’s on me. Oh you’re taking Willian off instead of me. Really? You sure about that? Okay… but I’m only going to do it again… and there you go.

Apparently there was also a game on at St Mary’s. But I can find no evidence of that.

Happy Hunting

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