The Christmas Cracker
XI – the team of the season so far:
Jack Butland
Young, handsome and dashing. Butland has been in imperious form so far this season and boasts more saves, clean sheets and catches than any keeper in the top flight. Stoke are 2 points off 5th mainly because of him. And diet-zlatan.
Young, handsome and dashing. Butland has been in imperious form so far this season and boasts more saves, clean sheets and catches than any keeper in the top flight. Stoke are 2 points off 5th mainly because of him. And diet-zlatan.
Toby Alderwiereld
An inspired signing in the summer, Alderwiereld has managed to do what no other Spurs defender has managed in twenty years. Actually defend.
An inspired signing in the summer, Alderwiereld has managed to do what no other Spurs defender has managed in twenty years. Actually defend.
Chris Smalling
The rock on which Louis Van Gaals house of bore has been built. No single player has improved more over the past 18 months than Smalling. Assured and confident and a genuine goal threat to boot.
The rock on which Louis Van Gaals house of bore has been built. No single player has improved more over the past 18 months than Smalling. Assured and confident and a genuine goal threat to boot.
Hector Bellerin
The best right back in the league. By absolutely miles. Although he still has ridiculous hair.
The best right back in the league. By absolutely miles. Although he still has ridiculous hair.
Aaron Cresswell
Monreal has also been impressive, but Cresswell gets the nod for having a better delivery on his overlaps. Implausible that he hasn’t got an England cap ahead of Kieran Gibbs.
Monreal has also been impressive, but Cresswell gets the nod for having a better delivery on his overlaps. Implausible that he hasn’t got an England cap ahead of Kieran Gibbs.
N’Golo Kante
The unsung hero of Leicester City’s rise to the top. An absolute force of nature in the middle of the park. Expect somebody to break the bank for him in the summer.
The unsung hero of Leicester City’s rise to the top. An absolute force of nature in the middle of the park. Expect somebody to break the bank for him in the summer.
Mesut Ozil
An incredible run of form has carried Arsenal to the top of the table thanks to their central playmaker. Assist after assist after assist. Some of his passes this season have left grown men weeping in awe.
An incredible run of form has carried Arsenal to the top of the table thanks to their central playmaker. Assist after assist after assist. Some of his passes this season have left grown men weeping in awe.
Riyad Mahrez
The best player in the world. Right here, right now. Fact.
The best player in the world. Right here, right now. Fact.
Romelu Lukaku
Justifying every bit of hype about him and then some this season. Has bought consistency to his game and has formed a deadly partnership with Barkley. Currently the best lone striker in the league.
Justifying every bit of hype about him and then some this season. Has bought consistency to his game and has formed a deadly partnership with Barkley. Currently the best lone striker in the league.
Odion Ighalo
30 goals in 2015, 14 in the Premier League for a side favourites to get relegated. An incredible effort.
30 goals in 2015, 14 in the Premier League for a side favourites to get relegated. An incredible effort.
Jamie Vardy
Record breaking goal scoring aside, no striker works harder for his team than Jamie Vardy. He is a lesson to every young footballer out there.
Record breaking goal scoring aside, no striker works harder for his team than Jamie Vardy. He is a lesson to every young footballer out there.
The gone off Turkey
XI – the flops of the season so far:
Simon Mignolet
I don’t care if you keep clean sheets and make the odd wonder save, you’re still shit Simon. You can’t catch and you can’t go four games without a howler.
I don’t care if you keep clean sheets and make the odd wonder save, you’re still shit Simon. You can’t catch and you can’t go four games without a howler.
Branislav Ivanovic
Torn apart by a series of wingers with pace and has depreciated faster than a new car. Now essentially useless.
Torn apart by a series of wingers with pace and has depreciated faster than a new car. Now essentially useless.
John Terry
Has fared little better. Time looks to have finally caught up with England’s bravest centre back. Has been central to Chelsea’s horrific form.
Has fared little better. Time looks to have finally caught up with England’s bravest centre back. Has been central to Chelsea’s horrific form.
Joleon Lescott
A horrible move to Villa and now often can’t get in the starting line-up of the worst team in the league. He’s that bad.
A horrible move to Villa and now often can’t get in the starting line-up of the worst team in the league. He’s that bad.
John O’Shea
Narrowly edging out Younes Kaboul on the basis that the latter does, occasionally, have good games in amongst all the bad ones. Sunderland are going down unless they buy four new defenders in January.
Narrowly edging out Younes Kaboul on the basis that the latter does, occasionally, have good games in amongst all the bad ones. Sunderland are going down unless they buy four new defenders in January.
Cesc Fabregas
Has been absolutely dog shit since the turn of the year.
Has been absolutely dog shit since the turn of the year.
Memphis Depay
Promised to bring pace, directness and free kick expertise to United this summer. Has looked slow, ponderous and not scored any free kicks. Rubbish.
Promised to bring pace, directness and free kick expertise to United this summer. Has looked slow, ponderous and not scored any free kicks. Rubbish.
Eden Hazard
29 games without a goal for the reigning PFA Player of the Year, and only two genuine assists in that time, is an absolute joke. Does not look like he wants to play for the club anymore and expect a move to Real or PSG in the summer.
29 games without a goal for the reigning PFA Player of the Year, and only two genuine assists in that time, is an absolute joke. Does not look like he wants to play for the club anymore and expect a move to Real or PSG in the summer.
Vurnon Anita
I’m not entirely sure what Anita brings to Newcastle. Other than not protecting the back four or creating anything. Makes Jack Colback look like Xavi.
I’m not entirely sure what Anita brings to Newcastle. Other than not protecting the back four or creating anything. Makes Jack Colback look like Xavi.
Aleksander Mitrovic
3 goals and 1 red card is not a great return for £13m. Youth is on his side but Newcastle badly need their star striker to find his goal scoring boots if they’re to stay up.
3 goals and 1 red card is not a great return for £13m. Youth is on his side but Newcastle badly need their star striker to find his goal scoring boots if they’re to stay up.
Wayne Rooney
Two goals in fifteen games is utterly, utterly unacceptable for the captain and central striker of the richest club in the league. Is far from the source of all of United’s ills, but has largely been pathetic all season. No club needs to reinforce upfront in January more than United.
Two goals in fifteen games is utterly, utterly unacceptable for the captain and central striker of the richest club in the league. Is far from the source of all of United’s ills, but has largely been pathetic all season. No club needs to reinforce upfront in January more than United.
That’s about all I’ve got the stomach for this week after
two bottles of Bailey’s in five days.
Happy New Year one and all.
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