If you have the most cash, and the most cunts, you’ll probably be okay.
Not a statement about the Tory Party, but about their Premier League equivalent, Chelsea. If only Jose Mourinho’s spin was as believable as our right wing press, then people might be publicly praising his team for their roller coaster success rather than muttering something under their breath and gently clapping. As it is, it remains impossible to perceive Chelsea as anything other than the most expensively assembled defensive team in World Football. We have to respect the other clubs said Jose, as he picked John Obi Mikel, surely the worst player to ever have won a dozen major honours (yep, more than Steven Gerrard) and played out the second half without a care in the world. Still, credit to Chelsea for winning the title in such an admirably uninspiring way. And it’s also good to know that even when faced with a cabinet of Cameron, Gove & Osbourne... John Terry is still the biggest cunt in London.
There may only be one place to still play for, but credit to that place.
Just a couple of games left and Sunderland, Hull, Villa, Newcastle and Leicester remain in one of the all time great dog fights for the final relegation spot. Barring an unlikely series of wins, it is now almost certain to come down to the final day and it looks like Hull are back in the position of having to win at all costs. Thankfully for them, their previously impossible run in has got easier by way of Spurs desperately trying to get out of Europe faster than Tory backbenchers, and Man Utd ikely to have already qualified for the Champions League by the final game (barring an improbable 14 goal swing with Liverpool). Leicester's remarkable run will now surely see them safe, and Sunderland and Villa look to have got just enough to limp over the finish line. But this is the Premier League, and the only thing more predictable than Spurs being unable to defend, is the unpredictably of any given game week. All eyes it would seem, turn to Newcastle...
Newcastle. Even shitter than the Lib Dems.
Dwindling supporters, never really won anything but convinced they were still one of the big boys, leaderless and in absolute free fall. Again, not the Liberal Democrats, but Newcastle United Football Club.
I’ll be honest, short of just saying they’re shit and I hope they go down over and over. I’ve little new material beyond that opening gag. Although I suppose it’s unlikely all their fans will now just support Sunderland. You know, FOR NO FUCKING REASON.
Stoke. Because even UKIP deserve a voice.
I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to avoid talking about Stoke all season. But, much like UKIP, there comes a point when you can’t just pretend they don’t exist because lots of seemingly sane people appear to follow them (feel free to add your own “in” to that last statement if it helps you sleep better). Stoke, led to the mid table nether regions of the big league by a despicable, outspoken bastard, are just one of those football teams that no matter how many teams you keep looking at them they just don’t seem right. They are, to their credit, gloriously unpredictable. 14 wins, 14 losses, 8 draws and a mere -2 goal difference all points to a you never quite know what you’re going to get vibe about them. But, given the choice, would any neutral ever choose to see a Stoke match rather than Arsenal, Southampton, Leicester, Everton or Swansea?
4m of you? Really? Oh well, shame you’ve got nothing to show for it.
We can’t lose Aguero
Don’t worry, I’m not about to shoehorn in a political line on this one. But there is little doubt that, politically as well as in terms of sheer entertainment, it would be very bad if the Premier League lost another of its star attractions this summer. The little Argentinean absolutely battered a bruised, broken and relegated QPR this afternoon to all but confirm his claim on the leagues Golden Boot. Aguero has struggled with injuries over the past few years but, on song, can still lay claim to the best out and out number nine in World Football. He scores no matter the opposition, and his record of 77 goals in 118 league appearances remains unsurpassed in his era (Suaraz is closest, with 69 in 110). Manchester City cannot afford to lose him or his partner in crime David Silva this summer. It’s hard to make a case for them making the top four without those two, let alone mounting another title challenge.
Team of the Weak
Loris - Given he is leaving in the summer anyway, it’s hard to see why he’s still playing when he is so visibly going through the motions.
Vertonghen - He used to at least be able to score. Now he just can’t defend.
Chiriches - Seriously, do spurs even have a defensive scouting network?
Dunne - Just... well... I mean... you had to feel for him.
Evans - Came on and Utd instantly collapsed defensively. Getting away with a victory thanks to, guess who... and a lucky breakaway goal.
Mikel - The Boris Johnson of football. Surely people can’t keep employing him...
Barton - Preceded match with bizarre “wrong uns” monologue about why his club were going down. Played shit. Went down.
Wanyama - The turning circle of a carthorse.
Eriksen - Looked handsomely imperious a few months ago. Now just looks handsome.
Aluko - One of the curious line of “fan favourite” strikers who work hard and never, ever score.
Pelle - Well, you know, it had been a while.
What you may have missed
Everton losing the safest seat, sorry match, in the game week, despite campaigning, sorry playing, miles better than the opposition. The Tactics Tim bandwagon getting more and more steam. Hull losing to a team who were all but already relegated, and then actually got relegated half way through the match... and still lost. Man Utd somehow winning at Palace, QPR going... going... gone and Leicester... oh how we love you Leicester, you sly, cunning foxes led by a demented madman you.
Goodnight.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
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