Five Things We Learnt - apparently...

Sometimes, you have to go back to go forwards. Although not quite that far back Arsene...

1. Will the real striker at the Emirates, please stand up.

Amongst all the drama, comedy and collective ineptitude on show this Saturday teatime, there was a subplot of striking fortune that never really threatened to spill over in to the currency of goals. Much has been written about both Van Persie and Welbeck in the past few weeks and it is the latter who I’d like to tackle from a different angle. Van Persie’s diminishing threat can be illustrated simply by the fact he touched the ball 9 times in open play. The same number of saves that his keeper made. All of which makes the decision to sell a forward with genuine pace and power more of a mystery than ever. The enigma of Welbeck is that he was both a bad signing, a good signing, a bad transfer and a good one as well. The problem with Welbeck isn’t the goals he scores, it isn’t even how to use him, it’s getting over the infatuation with where to use him and how many goals he scores. Making sense? Probably not. So let me put it another way. Danny Welbeck is best, playing wide in a narrow 4-3-3 with overlapping full backs. His best performances for Sunderland, Man Utd and early on for England, didn’t come playing as a number 9 or 10 but when he could stretch opposition defences with runs into the channels and create space for a genuine number 9 to exploit. None of this has changed other than the fact that Welbeck wants to play as a number 9. Well so does Theo Walcott. So does John Terry. It doesn’t mean they belong there. You see, it doesn’t matter if Welbeck scores 10 goals or 15 goals as the central striker. It doesn’t matter if he bags a brace against the might of Latvia. What matters is that he is not and never will be a central striker who scores 30 goals plus. Look around Danny. You’re not Aguero. You’re not Suarez. You’re not Benzema. You’re not even Wayne Rooney. What you are, is a superb footballer who has many assets that can be used to the benefit of your team. Man up, move out wide and let’s end this debate once and for all. Although it’s nice to talk about Arsenal and not just rant about Wenger’s tactics as usual.

I MEAN COME ON ARSENE NINE PLAYERS AHEAD OF THE BALL! AGAIN! NINE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN!!??

Petit... Vieira... it’s like it was all a dream.

2. Newcastle can’t stop winning.

Five wins in a row and one goal conceded, few managers have shown how fickle fans can be and how form is completely and utterly temporary than Alan Pardew. Newcastle are on a superb run that seems unlikely to be stopped by West Ham and Burnley in the next fortnight. They are playing with the sort of confidence that was lost from their ranks earlier in the season. Pardew is many things, most of which are unprintable, but he remains a superb organiser of his troops. There is an element to a Vegas gambler about Pardew and the absurdly long winning and losing runs his teams go on. He is brilliant at keeping his players going when they are getting results but seems almost completely unable to arrest a decline until blind luck kicks in. In a league where 4th is literally anyone’s, it may be wise for Mike Ashley to ride this wave until a couple of games are lost, and then cash the hell out.

3. Liverpool are a shambles.

There is a point whereby amusing puns become pointless. Let’s not waste print here, Liverpool are currently bollocks. Crystal Palace, winless since September and managed by the Premier League equivalent of a kid in a sweetshop, swept aside the Reds of Merseyside in a tidal wave of tactical genius. Attack them. Their defence is completely shit. That’s it. You don’t even have to be clever to beat Liverpool at the moment, you just have to run a bit and get the ball near the box and sooner or later somebody will make a mistake. How much longer can Rodgers justify playing Skertel and Lovren as a pair? I’ve not seen anything as funny in Liverpool since John Bishop left for Cheshire. And Glen Johnson? Glen fucking Johnson? 847 full backs on your books and that’s your decision? Rodgers is on borrowed time. Not because he’s a bad manager, but because he’s making bad decisions. There are rumours that Rodgers has until Christmas to turn it around. Given one of their last games before the turkey is carved is Manchester United, there would be a certain irony if another manager was lost to this fixture in successive seasons.

4. Burnley are going to stay up!

Such is the short-termism of football these days, I’m actually surprised nobody has written this yet. Burnley, full of confidence from opening their win account last week, doubled their tally against a faintly hapless Stoke to move to the dizzy heights on 19th. With Danny Ings fit and firing “anything” is possible boasted Alan Shearer. It’s not though is it. Burnley are going to get relegated and anybody who loses to them at home should be ashamed of themselves. Mark Hughes. Hail the Maestro.

5. Cesc Fabregas is just playing with us.

Let’s cut straight to the chase, Cesc Fabregas completed an astonishing 144 passes against West Brom. The most in the Premier League era for a Chelsea player, the most since Paul Scholes hung up his boots and the third highest in a top flight English match since records began. That’s a pass completed every 37.5 seconds. Or, given the ball is in play for an average of 65% of the time in a match, a pass completed every 24.5 seconds. Every 24.5 seconds? A magnificent effort I’m sure you’ll agree. Although not as magnificent as one man obviously. Delving deeper I discovered that Fabregas joined an elite club of ten players who had made 120 passes in a match more than twice in the past four years? The players? Carrick, Busquets, Toure, Verratti, Motta, Inista, Pirlo, Thiago and Alonso. Between them they have achieved this magical feat 29 times in these past four years.

The one man above them? That would be Xavi. Who managed it 24 times on his own.

In three years.

Keep going Cesc...

Team of the Weak:


Begovic - Garbage error to let Burnley score. Let Burnley score. Let Burnley score again.

Johnson - I’m just going to leave him in here until Rodgers stops picking him.

Dier - Looked terrible, fell over, booked, lasted until half time.

Skertel - Hauled attackers to the ground at will, couldn’t defend a murderer with a smoking gun in his hand, seemingly gives excellent head.

Ok that analogy makes no sense does it? Oh well, just pretend Shearer said it. Moving on...

Wilshire - Missed a sitter, headbutted Fellaini, got injured (again).

Larsson - Did absolutely nothing for 90 minutes. Literally wanders around hoping for a free kick from 25 yards. 

Moses - Dived. Shot over. Scuffed pass. Dived. Way to go.

Ramsey - Apparently on the pitch against Manchester United. I’ve yet to see photographic evidence.

Ramirez - It was a harsh red in fairness. But he’d been awful anyway. A player who has really never, ever kicked on.

Van Persie - Complete and utter toilet.

Ulloa - Starting to look like a League One player again by the week...

What you may have missed:

West Ham “resting” their entire front three for the big match with Newcastle next week; Ross Barkley looking irresistible until that last, pivotal moment where he actually has to pass or score; Sunderland boring everyone to death yet again; Man City stuttering past Swansea before their weekly mauling in the Champions League; QPR being bottom of the league despite having played brilliantly for six weeks; Arsenal and Liverpool fighting tooth and nail for the right to be worse than Man Utd this season and Southampton not winning a game for the first time in like forever.

Oh wait they play Monday night? Viva la Saints!


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