The Premier League burst back into life this weekend with goals, shocks, red cards, terrible penalty decisions, even more terrible actual penalties and more drama than a night out in the Bigg Market. After inventing, curating and perfecting the 5 things modus operandi (Citation: only one of those is true) - it feels time for a change. This season I will be focussing on one big issue each week, supplemented with more humorous and irreverent littler ones, that hopefully the Podcasts, Fan Forums, Journos & Pundits may have missed. And what Alan Shearer definitely will have.
So here we go:
The Big Issue - Louis van Gaal is balls deep
New season, same old shite is, to put it bluntly, the thin end of the wedge. Van Gaal is many things, but he’s not an idiot. And whilst he arrived with an honourable but flawed notion that he had to “assess the squad for himself” before making any changes; he also wasted little time telling the press from day one that this was a much harder job than it looked. The squad was “broken” he said, after a series of performances last season that the players appeared to have forgotten they were responsible for. He would need “at least two seasons” before he could be truly judged and that it would take at least “three months” for the players to fully understand his methods. He will, barring an unmitigated disaster, almost certainly get more time than Moyes despite the car crash that was Saturday lunchtime. Crucially, LVG looks and acts like a man in charge of, in terms of supporters and finance, one of the biggest clubs in the World. Moyes never did, and it was his off the field persona that actually got him sacked far more quickly than results on it. The board will give LVG time to instill his methods and clear out the dead weight from a squad that Ferguson wrung every last drop from before retiring. But dear god... what a lot of dead weight it is.
Of the team that started on Saturday a full 8 wouldn’t expect to get anywhere near the first eleven of the teams that finished in the top 5 last year. Mata, De Gea and Rooney would have a chance, but even they would not feature in a premier league best eleven. Or even a second one. Typing this with the class of 92 DVD on my table, it is a sorry state of affairs for a team that regularly provided half of the entrants into almost every team of the season. After just 45 minutes of competitive football LVG abandoned the 3-5-2 formation he’d spent all preseason trialling and resorted to a 4-4-2 with Nani on the pitch. With ten minutes left he was playing Marouane Fellaini up front. This was hardly the tactical masterclass that we had seen in the World Cup and afterwards the Dutchman was brutally honest in his assessment of the teams ability and performance. He at least accepted responsibility for his failed tactics, which was the single aspect of the whole affair that stood him out from Moyes.
United need 3-5 new players to challenge for the top 4, even without the distraction of Europe. Two new centre backs, at least one specialist wing back, another forward as cover and a defensive midfielder are an absolute must. As is getting rid of almost 50% of the squad that failed so badly last time around. Nani cannot be allowed to step on the pitch of Old Trafford again. People are laughing at the club. And not just his agent.
The fixture generator could not have been kinder to Van Gaal and trips to Burnley and Sunderland should not be looked upon with fear just yet. But these are worrying times for United fans and a stark reminder yet again that no club has a right to win football matches. They have to be earned through a mixture of ability and application. Ultimately, Swansea City showed Van Gaal exactly what was missing from his current squad. That the Welsh party poopers are probably only the 10th best team in the league, was the most worrying thing of all.
Game of the Weekend:
Leicester 2, Everton 2. A pulsating return to the top flight for the Foxes full of fantastic finishing, end to end drama and typical controversy. If this is what Leicester will treat us to each week, they’re welcome for a lot longer than West Ham.
Referee of the Weekend:
Chris Foy. West Ham v Spurs. Look, the man did everything he good to try and make this game more interesting. And I commend him for that.
Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:
Laurent Koscielny. Was at fault for the opening goal, fell over twice, looked generally unconvincing but was in the right place, at the right time to score an equaliser. By essentially falling over.
Actual player of the weekend:
Curtis Davies. Pub player turned pro, Hull’s captain and perfecter of the 3-5-2 system that Louis Van Gaal is trying to copy. Also better than any of Man United’s current centre backs.
Quote of the weekend:
Jonathan Pearce, commentating on the Arsenal v Palace game when Hangeland scored.
“the person who would have enjoyed that most is sat at home, his name, TONY PULIS!”
Really Jonathan? Really?
Supportive Tweet of the Weekend:
Tony Fernandes (Chairman of QPR) - “19 chances. Need to covert them but we created them. Few more signings...”
Nothing like subtly telling your strikers to collect their P45’s eh Tony.
Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:
Having Noble and Austin in your team “because they don’t miss penalties.”
What you may have missed:
Arsenal not signing a striker. West Ham buying 38 strikers and not knowing what to do with them. Jordan Henderson’s delicious through ball for Liverpool’s opener. The entirety of the Scottish Premier League. England absolutely battering India in the Cricket and Bear Flat retaining the Jon Darcy Memorial Dominator Trophy. More silverware than a night out in New Mexico that lot...
Until next week.
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