Meanwhile, in an alternate universe…
1. Moyes continues march to immortality.
Captained by Tom “Marvel” Cleverley, David Moyes’ Manchester United stormed to the top of the Premier League this week by swatting aside Liverpool like a disease carrying mosquito. Moyes’ team have gone from strength to strength since taking over from Sir Alex Ferguson last summer and this performance raised the bar yet further. Liverpool, managed by Kenny Dalglish for the 28th returning time, saw Steven Gerrard sent off for conceding three penalties in a row. Many questioned Moyes appointment at the start of the season, but his revolutionary tactics and canny transfer dealings have meant Utd have carried on where they left off after Sir Alex. His decision to sign 18 number 10’s appeared flawed, yet he looks to have had the last laugh as he again set his team up in a 2-1-7-0 formation which saw all his best players occupy the same square foot of Old Trafford grass. Liverpool just couldn’t cope with such a method, and despite the acres of grassland available for them to run into, were drawn to the “10 Zone” like wasps to a jam jar. It was left for Utd to tiki-taka their way through before breaking free and raining shots on Liverpool’s goal in a blaze of creativity. The final score of 3 nil did not flatter a team who have silenced all their critics this season with pace, nous and passion. Moyes post-match interview was as assured and as confident as his team’s display. “I knew this job would be easy,” he casually quipped… “but not this fucking easy.”
Captained by Tom “Marvel” Cleverley, David Moyes’ Manchester United stormed to the top of the Premier League this week by swatting aside Liverpool like a disease carrying mosquito. Moyes’ team have gone from strength to strength since taking over from Sir Alex Ferguson last summer and this performance raised the bar yet further. Liverpool, managed by Kenny Dalglish for the 28th returning time, saw Steven Gerrard sent off for conceding three penalties in a row. Many questioned Moyes appointment at the start of the season, but his revolutionary tactics and canny transfer dealings have meant Utd have carried on where they left off after Sir Alex. His decision to sign 18 number 10’s appeared flawed, yet he looks to have had the last laugh as he again set his team up in a 2-1-7-0 formation which saw all his best players occupy the same square foot of Old Trafford grass. Liverpool just couldn’t cope with such a method, and despite the acres of grassland available for them to run into, were drawn to the “10 Zone” like wasps to a jam jar. It was left for Utd to tiki-taka their way through before breaking free and raining shots on Liverpool’s goal in a blaze of creativity. The final score of 3 nil did not flatter a team who have silenced all their critics this season with pace, nous and passion. Moyes post-match interview was as assured and as confident as his team’s display. “I knew this job would be easy,” he casually quipped… “but not this fucking easy.”
2. Stoke’s flair sets fans passion alight again.
After vowing to never manage a team who flirted with relegation again, Mark Hughes has been true to his word since taking over from Stoke and their impressive 8-3 demolition of West Ham this week saw them rise to 7th in the table. Hughes has built a team filled with expressive, attacking players and said he “never considered” the idea of playing Peter Crouch up front by himself. The England number 9 has been in imperious form since being paired once again by Jermain Defoe. The two have scored over 50 goals already between them and England’s World Cup rivals are looking on with real fear at how they will explode in Brazil. For the similarly expansive West Ham, it was another lesson as to how playing 3-3-4 will often leave you exposed against a team as good as Stoke. Both managers praised a wonderful game of football in their post-match interviews, with Mark Hughes adding “all things considered, I am probably the best manager in the world.”
After vowing to never manage a team who flirted with relegation again, Mark Hughes has been true to his word since taking over from Stoke and their impressive 8-3 demolition of West Ham this week saw them rise to 7th in the table. Hughes has built a team filled with expressive, attacking players and said he “never considered” the idea of playing Peter Crouch up front by himself. The England number 9 has been in imperious form since being paired once again by Jermain Defoe. The two have scored over 50 goals already between them and England’s World Cup rivals are looking on with real fear at how they will explode in Brazil. For the similarly expansive West Ham, it was another lesson as to how playing 3-3-4 will often leave you exposed against a team as good as Stoke. Both managers praised a wonderful game of football in their post-match interviews, with Mark Hughes adding “all things considered, I am probably the best manager in the world.”
3. Jose takes defeat in his stride.
After watching his Chelsea team lose for the 10th time this season, Jose Mourinho once again took the result in his stride and spent his post-match press conference praising both the officials and the opposition players. “We are a young set of pups who need nurturing,” said the once successful manager “I thought we played with real spirit and purpose, but we lacked milk when it mattered most. I shall have to take some of the players back on to the boob before they are ready again.” Chelsea ended up losing the game 4-3, a product of their new commitment to attacking football, coupled with general uselessness at the back. With David Luiz continuing as a make shift centre forward, the Brazilian was impressive but could not do it all on his own. Aston Villa tortured John Terry all afternoon and the Chelsea captain was eventually sent off for the 4th time this season for sleeping with the referee’s wife at half time. Chelsea play Arsenal next and with them lying in 8th and their season in pieces, Jose said he planned to “enjoy” the fixture and treat his “best friend” Arsene Wenger to a slap up steak and chips following their inevitable defeat.
After watching his Chelsea team lose for the 10th time this season, Jose Mourinho once again took the result in his stride and spent his post-match press conference praising both the officials and the opposition players. “We are a young set of pups who need nurturing,” said the once successful manager “I thought we played with real spirit and purpose, but we lacked milk when it mattered most. I shall have to take some of the players back on to the boob before they are ready again.” Chelsea ended up losing the game 4-3, a product of their new commitment to attacking football, coupled with general uselessness at the back. With David Luiz continuing as a make shift centre forward, the Brazilian was impressive but could not do it all on his own. Aston Villa tortured John Terry all afternoon and the Chelsea captain was eventually sent off for the 4th time this season for sleeping with the referee’s wife at half time. Chelsea play Arsenal next and with them lying in 8th and their season in pieces, Jose said he planned to “enjoy” the fixture and treat his “best friend” Arsene Wenger to a slap up steak and chips following their inevitable defeat.
4. Nobody is joking on Tyneside anymore.
When Alan Pardew left the club in January, citing personal reasons and a desire to become a Hollywood heart throb, many people in football feared the worst. This was less to do with the belief that Pardew was irreplaceable, and more to do with the questionable decision to once again install Joe Kinnear as first team boss. However, with a direct line to Ferguson, Wenger, Busby and Sir Alf Ramsey, Kinnear has proved an instant success and Newcastle have won eight games in a row. Adding English steel to French flair, Kinnear’s Newcastle are now a consistent, well-oiled machine. Certainly not a club who’s performance from one week to the next couldn’t possibly be predicted by the most skilled sage in the known Universe (Paul the Octopus). Kinnear, humble and speaking in the Queen’s English, praised both his players and the fans before thanking “every journalist in the room for rolling out the red carpet and welcoming me back into the bosom of football management with open arms.”
When Alan Pardew left the club in January, citing personal reasons and a desire to become a Hollywood heart throb, many people in football feared the worst. This was less to do with the belief that Pardew was irreplaceable, and more to do with the questionable decision to once again install Joe Kinnear as first team boss. However, with a direct line to Ferguson, Wenger, Busby and Sir Alf Ramsey, Kinnear has proved an instant success and Newcastle have won eight games in a row. Adding English steel to French flair, Kinnear’s Newcastle are now a consistent, well-oiled machine. Certainly not a club who’s performance from one week to the next couldn’t possibly be predicted by the most skilled sage in the known Universe (Paul the Octopus). Kinnear, humble and speaking in the Queen’s English, praised both his players and the fans before thanking “every journalist in the room for rolling out the red carpet and welcoming me back into the bosom of football management with open arms.”
5. Tim huffs and puffs but cannot blow the house down.
Tim Sherwood has done all he can since taking over from AVB at Tottenham Hotspurs. The return and resurgence of Adeboyer has been lauded, but this has been coupled with an emphasis on starting every match incredibly slowly and playing with a defensive line so high it’s been renamed the half way line. Still, Sherwood has had little to no training for the job and was apparently given the role following an unsuccessful poker game between Daniel Levy, Alan Sugar and the winner of the last series of the Apprentice. The way he threw his gilet to the ground yesterday suggested a man who has been unable to get his simple message of “put the ball in the fecking net” across to his players. Spurs largely battered Arsenal in a match which continued to see them miss chances and be repelled by Tony Adams and Martin Keown. But it mattered little following an early goal by Legolas that allowed Wenger and his troops to sit back and laugh at Spurs as they tried, feebly, to actually win a derby match. The result leaves Spurs marooned in 5th, where be it in this universe or the next, they are destined to remain for the next 100 years.
Tim Sherwood has done all he can since taking over from AVB at Tottenham Hotspurs. The return and resurgence of Adeboyer has been lauded, but this has been coupled with an emphasis on starting every match incredibly slowly and playing with a defensive line so high it’s been renamed the half way line. Still, Sherwood has had little to no training for the job and was apparently given the role following an unsuccessful poker game between Daniel Levy, Alan Sugar and the winner of the last series of the Apprentice. The way he threw his gilet to the ground yesterday suggested a man who has been unable to get his simple message of “put the ball in the fecking net” across to his players. Spurs largely battered Arsenal in a match which continued to see them miss chances and be repelled by Tony Adams and Martin Keown. But it mattered little following an early goal by Legolas that allowed Wenger and his troops to sit back and laugh at Spurs as they tried, feebly, to actually win a derby match. The result leaves Spurs marooned in 5th, where be it in this universe or the next, they are destined to remain for the next 100 years.
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