Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend

City are back
After a stumbling period over the winter months, City have clicked into top gear at just the right time to lend credibility to a title race that looked like it had none a few weeks ago. Nine goals in two games and (finally) a clean sheet to boot has seen them trim down the lead to five points. Confidence coursed through their veins again this weekend and it was the first time in three months City had had a game well won by the first half. A common feature of their imperious home form last season and one strangely absent this time around. City face Liverpool next, who were ridiculously fortunate to escape from Saints two nil winners. Pool have been played off the park in successive matches at St Mary’s and come away with a five nil aggregate score line. A credit to their increased confidence at the back, the wonderful Philippe Coutinho and that age old commodity that no team can survive without. Luck. Should city prevail at Anfield they will be two points behind the leaders with a run of fixtures that reads Leicester, Burnley, West Brom, Palace. Chelsea remain firm, firm favourites but they are starting to look a little leggy and if you took Hazard and Ivanhoe out of the team they suddenly look very beatable. Plus you know… this…

The “campaign” against Chelsea is real
It’s true Jose, there is a campaign against you. It’s not from the referees though, it’s from each and every football fan up and down the land who would rather swim a mile in their own faeces than watch you lift another Premier League trophy. Some decisions you get in football, some you don’t, but despite what Jose might think, they did not lose this game because they had a stone wall penalty turned down and Ashley Barnes didn’t get sent off. They lost it because they missed chances, carried at least two players, got a player correctly and utterly needlessly dismissed and then failed to defend properly. The challenge on Matic was a bad one, but it was mistimed rather than forceful or malicious and was one of those that looked much worse in slow motion.  Oddly, Barnes’ first challenge was probably worse than his second. It was clearly premediated and given the height of it, potentially dangerous. However, given Ivan rolled over 85 times and then sprung up again basically holding a plaque that said “yeah, I was completely faking that” – I instantly lost sympathy. Referees need to start realising that it’s okay to book players for both the foul and the reaction to it. Simulation is still simulation, regardless of whether your were caught or not. As for Chelsea? Where was I? Oh who cares, they’re just so fucking boring aren’t they.

Is Louis Van Gaal the most underperforming manager in the league?
Another defeat, but beyond that another utterly lifeless performance full of defensive errors and a big black hole of Belgian basketball where a creative player should be. The question above is now very real, considering the outlay and resources available, is any manager in the league doing a worse job than Van Gaal? We have to discount the new comers at QPR, Newcastle, Villa and West Brom – given a handful of games is not fair to judge anyone on unless your name is Les Reed or Tony Adams. So beyond that who do we have? Out of the remaining top 10 only Rodgers could be considered, but he was very unlucky to have been deprived of Sturridge from game one having sold Suarez in the summer. Pool have steadied of late and whilst have underperformed for large chunks, currently look an even bet for 4^th with United. Across Merseyside Martinez has certainly suffered a little from second season syndrome and even failed to beat Leicester this weekend. However, their performances in Europe have been strong and there has been enough good amongst the bad to suggest they’ll still finish the season in the top half if they can fix Lukaku. Burnley and Leicester remain in real trouble but neither are doing any worse than truly expected. 17^th would be a huge effort for either club and remains a real possibility. All of which leaves Poyet, at Sunderland, and Bruce at Hull. All told, they would probably come slightly below Van Gaal if rated from top to bottom. But that we’ve had to mention them in the same breath says everything you need to know about how badly Manchester United are currently playing. If it wasn’t for a track record in Europe and International football it would be tempting to start yelling “you don’t know what you’re doing.”

But given it takes little to tempt me anyway I’m happy to start it off.

Louis. You don’t know what you’re doing.

And is Gary Monk the most likeable?
Is it the way Swansea treat the ball like they’re making slow love to it? Or is the comb over, 20s gangster hair and impossible not to root for half smile that shines out from Monks face after every match. It’s part and parcel for football managers to be disliked to a certain degree, but Monk is currently proving all that is nonsense. He is intelligent, articulate and easy on the eye. He’s also the same age as me. Which means he’s either very young to be a manager or I’m now in that awkward period where I’m closer in age to the coaches not the player.

Did I just write that he was easy on the eye? I’m not sure I meant that. I mean, he’s no Christian Eriksen is he? But anyway, there are very few other managers who we all like. Ronald  Koeman? And that’s probably it. But he has a head that looks like an effigy. So you know, um, well. Let’s move on.

Tim isn’t going to survive by wearing a gilet alone…
Finally being able to move on from that inspirational, Oscar, Grammy and Nobel Peace Prize award winning half team speech, Tactics Tim rolled up to his day job in earnest this weekend… and lost. Things started well for Villa before they realised they’d blown their load a little early and sunk back into their own half before Stoke stole the points with a late penalty. Sherwood is a likeable chap and a welcome addition back to the league, but boy does he have his work cut out here. Villa remain a side devoid of creativity and inspiration and their one world class player, Christian Benteke, currently couldn’t score in a high rise in Baltimore. Villa have scored two goals in a league game twice all season, which means they quite literally have to keep a clean sheet to win a match. A tall order for any club, even one who prior to this weekend were playing with three defensive midfielders protecting the back four. If there’s one thing Tim knows, it’s tactics, which is why any boost to Villa’s attack is likely to come at a cost to their defence. Finding that balance, as well as getting Benteke scoring again, is key to Sherwood still being in the hot seat and Villa still being in the league come May.

Team of the Weak
Howard – Another howler, general poor management of his defence, a typically erratic performance from a keeper who’s now has a really long world cup hangover.
Haidara – An absolute horror show. Torn apart by anybody who walked near him in a city shirt.
Phil Jones – It’s is utterly disbelieving that Alex Ferguson thought so highly of this lad. Currently playing at pub level.
Caulker –Back to back relegations is not going to look good for a player who cost millions and was supposed to be international class.
Vlaar – It was just, such a poor tackle Ron.
Anita – Looked like he’d genuinely forgotten how to play the game, hooked at half time and was probably extremely grateful.
Matic – That Chelsea are appealing his red card says everything about what a ridiculous football club they are. You can’t react like, ever. Have a month off lad.
Dembele – At fault for the goal, gave the ball away like it was a charity all dayer and hauled at the break for a real player.
Larsson – Absolute garbage. Why does he still get games? Creates literally nothing and can’t run. You can’t just carry specialist free kick takers if you’re as poor as Sunderland are.
Van Persie – Absolutely awful yet again. Has deteriorated at Torres esque levels this season and his top level career is over. News of his injury openly celebrated by United’s fans.
Lukaku – Another dreadful attempt to prove himself as a top striker. Even when he did score, he didn’t, it was an own goal. Missed four good chances, one of which would have made Sandra Redknapp blush.

What you may have missed.
Joey Barton maturing and getting sent off for a cheeky slap in the nads as opposed to the old school cuff to the face. Tim Sherwood leaving the pitch in tears to phone his mum. Burnley manager Sean Dyche really not giving an absolute shit what Jose Mourinho had to say about anything. Oliver Giroud scoring again and still trying to convince everyone he’s a real striker. QPR back to losing away again to the mighty Hull. Sunderland and West Brom finishing nil nil in a match which was 99.99% certain… to finish nil nil. Louis Van Gaal blaming luck and the referee for United losing. Louis Van Gaal failing to blame his defence, midfield, attack or woefully out of touch tactics. Newcastle giving up after ten minutes and basically resorting to begging Man City to not try and score ten. Late drama securing two superb draws at Spurs & Everton and finally Graziano Pelle ticking along towards the 800 minute mark without scoring. Does he want a game at Aston Villa?

No, seriously.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend

Louis Van Gaal still has it all to prove

It is hard to fathom how, 24 games into the league and 30 plus into the season overall, Louis Van Gaal still hasn’t made Manchester United tick. And by tick I don’t even mean delivering a top gear performance against decent opposition. I mean, that’s what Spurs did to Arsenal on Saturday. And I’m not even expecting that. I would have least expected one of two things. Firstly, the players to now be comfortable, tactically, in their roles. And secondly, there to be some degree of fluent, attacking football from a squad with £250m plus of “talent” on the pitch. Van Gaal has thus far been successful in just two areas. One, the signing of Daley Blind, who is a world class holding player who makes the truly awful defence behind him look only slightly awful. And two, the form of David De Gea, who is a world class keeper who makes the truly awful defence ahead of him look only slightly awful. Those two are thus far the only players in a squad littered with ridiculous wages, countless trophies, awards and international caps who would, on form, get into the West Ham side they should have lost to on Sunday. To take potshots at this side would be like taking a dummy from a baby. But I’ve been there, seen the tantrums, so fuck it... here goes.

Ten questions that remain utterly unanswered thus far in the Van Gaal era:

1. Why was Wayne Rooney given the biggest contract in the league when he was clearly a fading force as a striker?

2. Why was Ander Herrera chased for three years by three separate scouting networks as the solution to Paul Scholes retiring, only to not be given more than 3 games in a row at any stage to stamp his authority on a midfield that, on paper, appears tailor made for him?
3. Why instead, is Wayne Rooney playing that role when he possess no range of short passing, no ability to ghost into space and has lost the burst of pace that stood him out in his youth?

4. Why is Juan Mata not playing games, when each and every time he takes the field he is United’s most creative player by a distance?

5. How badly does Robin Van Persie have to perform to be dropped?

6. What has happened to the Angel Di Maria of last season, or even of the one who lit up the first few games he played for United. He looks bereft of confidence, bereft of form and currently cannot beat the first man with 80% of his crosses?

7. Why did Van Gaal not buy a singe credible centre back in the summer only to insist on playing a 3-5-2 formation for much of the campaign?

8. Why are United still talking about buying their way out of trouble, when the reality is that right now whoever comes to the club simply doesn’t perform? 

9. Why can one of the most revered tactical coaches in the game not figure out how to win an away game? Even against lower league teams?

10. Why are United waiting until they’re behind in every single match before they seemingly even try to win?


And that is just on the pitch. Off it, United are more of a mess than ever. More interested in promoting themselves overseas than they are in repairing their reputation as the once most feared team in the land. NOBODY is scared of playing Man United anymore, not even teams from League Two. There is no fear of God mentality from either captain or coach and the mythical reputation built on the axis of Ferguson/Keane looks ten worlds away right now. Right now, United are just an average team in a very average league. They are fourth, but could easily be eighth and have no complaints. LVG will be given time, more so than Moyes certainly and more again as long as he does muster fourth come May. From there the entire heart and soul has to be ripped out of this team and rebuilt. Stars rejected by other clubs cannot paper over the cracks. United need to look from within and find an identity again that is worthy of a place at the top table. This side, with all it’s money and sponsors and past glories, is not fit to eat the scraps that are left for the dogs.



But you know, credit West Ham

The Hammers should have won this Sunday. They played the better football, defended better, passed better and outfought United in all the key areas. This is a fine West Ham side, arguably the finest in over twenty years. The defence is well organised and drilled and behind them they have a talented and able keeper. Big Sam could pick any combination of his midfielders and come up smelling of roses, such is the ability of Song, Kouyate and the woefully underrated Mark Noble. And up front Valencia, Sakho and Carroll are three strikers with vastly different skill sets who can trouble almost any defence. One hopes that having assembled this side, West Ham can now sit back and maintain a settled Premier League presence for several years to come. They may be a largely hateable lot, but quite frankly, it’s less fun without them in the fixture list each season.



Derby day was won by one man

And his name... was Piers Morgan. But aside from the idle tweets of a man who even his own mother refers to as “a bit of a dick,” this weekend was once again about Harry Kane. Indeed as we slowly, but surely, I mean seriously are we going to give him a farewell every fucking week, say goodbye to the career of Steven Gerrard... it was time to turn our attention to the new kid on the block. Harry Edward Kane. I wrote about him last week so go and read that if you haven’t already. But it was nice to just see Danny Murphy quoting it word for word on Match of the Day this week.

I’m watching you Danny...

What is going on at Manchester City?

It’s hard to consider anything a crisis when you’re in the last 16 of the Champions League and sit 2nd in the Premier League, but this has been a very average season and it is looking like another very average defence of their title by City. Manuel Pellegrini’s side have now not won in 5 matches. A run which has taken in three home games against a side from the Championship, the biggest away day chokers in big matches (see once again this Saturday) and Hull. Fucking Hull? I mean, Newcastle just put three past this lot. Away. Without a manager. City haven’t kept a clean sheet in ten matches!? I realise I’m just quoting stats now but come on... what the hell are they doing? At least try and make the title race interesting. Chelsea are laughing at you for Christ sake. They literally only play for twenty minutes a match now.


Pearson can have no complaints

Bottom of the table, four points from safety and with one win in 19 matches (19!?) - Pearson could probably have been expecting the call about now anyway. Then he decided to throttle an opposition player whilst on the ground near the touchline. And this after telling a supporter to “fuck off and die” a few weeks ago. I mean, I know Pardew has got away with worse... but really Nigel? Take a break son. Take a nice, long, break.

Team of the Weak


Heaton - didn’t really do a lot wrong, but no keeper conceded more than two this week and Burnley threw away the lead.

Baird - was selected instead of the vastly superior Wisdom, looking vastly inferior, booked, taken off at half time.

Kompany - looks a shadow of his former, last season self.

Jones - possess no ability to organise or to defend a set piece. I preferred it when he was taking them.

Shaw - he’s just not a 30m full back is he?

Rooney - calling MLS, calling MLS, please take Wayne too.

Gerrard - mentally, may well be already there.

Nasri - inexplicably selected over the bang in form Navas. Did nothing.

Ramsey - last season was one long fluke. The opposite of the phrase form is temporary, class is permanent.
Lukaku - I don’t even need to type it, do I?

Van Persie - calling MLS, calling... anyone...



What you may have missed


Absolutely anything exciting whatsoever happing in the Merseyside derby. Arsenal being overrun by three players plucked from the “obscurity” of Spurs own fucking academy. Something that Chelsea literally have no idea about whatsoever. But it doesn’t matter because they’re still better than every team in the league. QPR losing again as Southampton reveal they are in-fact being managed by George Graham. Jermain Defoe still having “a job to do” for England according to his manager. 100% of all English fans laughing at that idea. Except Roy Hodgson. Burnley and West Brom delivering the best game of the weekend. Newcastle and Stoke delivering nowhere near the best game of the weekend and Ghana, no Ivory Coast, no Ghana, no... body cares.


Worst. African. Cup. Of. Nations. Ever.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend

Saints still lack cutting edge

After five wins and a draw from their last six, this season’s surprise package came unstuck against a disciplined and organised Swansea City. The problem for Saints certainly wasn’t possession (64%), corners (9) or shots (15)... but too often they got into great positions only to pick the wrong option. Indeed, Clyne and Bertrand must have successfully overlapped the last man on around 300 occasions only to utterly fail to pick out anyone in the middle. Having said that, the person in the middle was all too often Pelle and four Swansea defenders. On the rare occasions the centre forward did get a shot in, he found literally every effort he had on goal blocked by a leg. Saints have been a revelation this year, but that has mainly been because of their defensive nous and superb organisation. Their numbers have been flattered by that absurd result against Sunderland and if you strip away that it’s 30 goals in 22 matches. Far from poor, but certainly a surprise for a team 1 point off third in the table. As it is, this result is unlikely to rock a side who have already come through one sticky patch smelling of roses again. But if Saints are to fend off the increasing challenge of Utd, Arsenal and even Spurs and Liverpool, they need to have a bit more about them in the areas where it really hurts. It would be incredibly dull after all of this, they were to finish 7th or 8th after all.

No team in world football needs to be relegated more than Aston Villa

Aston Villa have contested every single Premier League season and since the dizzy heights of the Martin O’Neil years, it’s safe to say their stock has dropped year by disastrously dull year. At this stage of a campaign, there is statistically no duller team in history than Villa. They are on track to “better” Derby County’s woeful goals for column from that infamous season and currently stand on a ridiculously poor 11 strikes from their 23 matches. They don’t have the resources of the big boys, but they certainly have a lot more than Derby County did and still possess one of the hottest young strikers in World Football. Villa now haven’t scored a league goal since the 20 December, a staggering 622 minutes ago. It is the second longest drought in league history and they have Chelsea next. Nobody likes watching them. Nobody has any offensive players from their team in their fantasy football squads. Playing them is like a pick me up for any defender, all but guaranteed of a clean sheet to add to their collection. They are a plague on a league which promises entertainment and for the good of all football need to be removed from the elite right now.

Who is going down?

Four points continue to separate seven teams from 13th-19th and even the seemingly doomed Leicester are far from cut adrift just yet. It’s not a massive surprise to see the three relegation candidates occupying four of the bottom spots. Starved of the resources of longer term players, none of them have managed to secure a signing that looks likely to rescue their season. There is English talent at both Burnley and Rangers, but the former’s start is continuing to cost them and QPR have played 12, lost 12 away. Surely they cannot stay up doing literally nothing on their travels? In between them are Hull, who just look awful. But unlike the other three clubs, Hull will likely sack their manager shortly and have the finances to get somebody vaguely competent in to steer them to safety. West Brom and Sunderland are too organised to fall much further and that only leaves Palace, who will surely have enough, and the aforementioned Aston Villa of the previous point. So to answer my own question, Leicester and Burnley to go... with Villa and QPR contesting the final spot.

Old fashioned centre forward play and a complete inability to defend vs old fashioned, backs to the wall defending and a complete inability to score. I think we all know who’s side we're on.



Hold on, nobody wants QPR to stay up?

Fuck this. Team Burnley.

It’s probably time to give Liverpool a little bit of credit again.

Unbeaten in seven games since their humbling at Old Trafford, Rodgers has returned to basics to finally inject some stability into Liverpool’s ailing season. One wonders if he has taken a leaf out of his old mentors books, given whilst this is still far from the free flowing attacking beast we saw last season, Liverpool have now becoming increasingly harder to score against. Liverpool have conceded just two goals in their last six fixtures across all competitions, and both of those were to Chelsea. Rodgers has done in 5 games what Van Gaal could not do in 5 months by making a three at the back system actually work. Key to this has been the superb repositioning of Emre Can as part of the three. The German youngster has proved highly versatile and has brought much needed composure to a back line that utterly lacked that a few weeks ago. What Rodgers has also done, is get a fluid, interchanging midfield which, finally shorn of the shackles of Steven Gerrard for most weeks, looks well capable of passing and moving it in the Liverpool style of old. Rather than giving it away two times out of three and then making it all alright by landing an 80 yard hail mary on the feet of Sterling. Liverpool have a tough little run of fixtures to get through before anyone will be considering them for 3rd/4th again just yet, but they have steadied, are within striking distance and finally... finally... have Daniel Sturridge back. And doing in 10 minutes what Aston Villa haven’t done in over 600.



I mean over SIX HUNDRED MINUTES. Come on!



And they didn’t even score in the game before that one either.

Harry Kane. He’s one of ours. 

There aren’t too many players who have come from comparatively nowhere quite as quickly as Harry Kane. We have a habit of eulogising over any young English talent that rears it’s head, but rarely do such players back up such praise with statistics quite as impressive as this. Kane has 20 goals in 33 matches this season and a better strike rate than anyone in the land bar Aguero and Costa. Gary Lineker tends to be quite reserved for his praise for English youngsters, more conscious perhaps than many of his media pals of the dangers of overselling those who have achieved little. But it is telling that when Lineker speaks of Kane he cannot hide the glint in his eye. He again made comparison of Kane to Shearer on Saturday night and it’s amazing that not only does that claim seem valid, but that Shearer himself went on to declare that Kane was probably a little bit better in certain areas. Along with his fellow, handsome, World War II fighter pilot throw back buddy Christen Eriksen, Kane is utterly carrying Spurs at the moment to a position where they can once again dream of finishing 4th only to, well... not. Kane has not even been capped by England yet, such has been the rapidity of his ascent. He is quick, strong, ruthless, fearless and incredibly intelligent in his movement. When the next squad is announced England shouldn’t just be naming him in it. They should be starting him and building the entire team around his strengths.

Shameless hyperbole? Hell yeah... but in a month this fucking dull, who cares. Right? 

Team Harry.

Team of the Weak

Take the 22 players that started for Hull and Aston Villa. Put them in a pot. Draw 11 names. That’ll do.


What you may have missed

Steve Bruce still having a job. John Carver now having a full time permanent job. For four months. Everton keeping back to back clean sheets. Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing coming back to Liverpool and showing everyone what they’d been missing. LVG finally being ground down by players, supporters, coaches, the tea lady and his own dog into playing any system in the world other than 3-5-2. Watched as a rampant Utd won easily within 32 minutes before just taking the rest of the day off. QPR playing brilliantly, throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Stoke only to be completely outdone by three horrible, horrible defensive lapses. That let Jonathan Walters score a hat-trick. Jonathan. Walters. Burnley reverting back to their toothless selves. A Sunderland striker actually scoring. West Brom forgetting they were managed by Tony Pulis now. Arsenal thrashing Villa without their best player. Jonjo Shelvey leaving it late to claim the goal of the week prize and Chelsea and Man City huffing and puffing and dear god that was a dull game wasn’t it.

Seriously Jose, is this the best you can do? At least try and entertain us? You unimaginably successful bastard.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt this Weekend. Kind of. Sort of. Well not really. I'm sorry.

I’d like to start by welcoming you all back into my bosom like an underfed Claridge’s hotel breastfed baby. I’d like to follow that with an immediate apology, that my return to action may well be as big a let down as captaining Sergio Aguero at fantasy football this weekend. I have barely written about Arsenal in 2 years following my strike against them in the Autumn of 2012. I have repeated the mantra from time to time without really trying to think of anything new. Mainly because they haven’t. But this week it is different. This week I owe Arsenal. We ALL owe Arsenal. (Citation: We don’t)

So for Wenger. For my brother. And not in any way shape or form because I lost a bet decreeing that if Arsenal beat Manchester City I would make the entire blog about them... here we go.

(if you wish to skip ahead to the funnier, less angry bit at the end which doesn’t involve Arsenal and may or may not include Marvin the Andriod, please feel free)

The penny has finally... finally fucking dropped.



It has only taken the best part of a decade Arsene. In the last 33 matches against teams who have finished in the top four (and taking city/chelsea/utd this season) Arsenals record stood at this:

Played 33.

Won 7.

Drawn 6.

Lost 20.
For 37.

Against 65.

Indeed, that was probably being kind given until today Arsenal hadn’t beaten top four opposition for a staggering 18 matches stretching back over 4 seasons.

In pretty much all those patterns you could summarise the game as such: Arsenal dominated possession, weaving pretty passes that amounted to little whilst ultimately losing to goals from either a) a woefully defended set piece or b) a terribly naive counter attack. And indeed, that was again the summary of the game today. Only that didn’t describe Arsene Wenger’s team... it described Manchester City.

You don’t need Tactics Tim to show me... you need fucking tactics.

And so it was that Wenger finally arrived at a big away game with a plan of how to win a football match. Not just turn up, kick off and hope for the best. Arsenals formation, shape and personal were all spot on and designed to stop Manchester City to play. It wasn’t always pretty, but that is quite frankly what you have to do win away games against teams who are, man for man, better than you. Injuries may have helped forced Wenger’s hand in playing the youthful Francis Coquelin (he’s actually almost 24... wow, really? I thought he was like 16? Has he just been hanging around his whole career? - anyway I digress) - but the Frenchmen was superb playing a role that is actually in his job description. He silenced David Silva entirely for 45 minutes and then helped shield his defence ably by throwing himself at everything in the second half. Thierry Henry made a good point before the game by saying that when Jose came to Chelsea he could have just got rid of John Terry following probably his worst season with the club. But he didn’t, he trusted that his captain could still marshall his troops if playing in the right formation and went out and brought back Matic. Terry has looked imperious since. Per Mertesacker is a similar player to Terry, a superb reader of the game but not blessed with any sort of pace. But give him somebody to sit in front of him and pick up the pieces he suddenly looks a whole better. This isn’t just about protecting the weak by the way, far from it, it’s merely highlighting how nobody looks good when they’re being ran at by three counter attackers with open space to glide into.

Oh Santi oh Santi

The man of the match and reborn after a frustrating season last time around, Santi Cazorla is looking and playing like the man Arsenal thought they’d signed from Real Madrid when they bought Ozil. Genuinely two footed and with 360 degree vision that would make an Owl blush, the little Spaniard gave one of those performances whereby every single fellow player, coach, trainer and spectator should shake his hand and say thanks afterwards. In a match which apparently contained the two best players in the league, he was streets above either of them.

West Ham pile on the misery for Bruce

Oh sorry... I’m supposed to be sticking to Arsenal. My mistake...

Is the impossible possible?

After a performance this complete, this superb, this revolutionary in it’s creation and execution... the question has to be asked where Arsenal can go from here? Is this the template for the big games from now on? Will Wenger just drop this team as soon as Ozil wanders in with his World Cup medal and a sad face? Will Jack Wilshire convince the boss he’s still got what it takes to go four matches without getting injured? Will Danny Welbeck come back... and score a fucking goal? Will Walter Szczesny switch to e-cigarettes?

And the big question... the league. Can they... will they... is this the year...

That Arsenal finish... fucking... third!?

Team of the Weak:


Fabianski - We all thought an Arsenal keeper would be getting scored past with ease this weekend. Just not their old one.

Bruce - Son or manager. Take your pick really.

Kompany - Not really fit, staggered around like a drunk buffoon, scythed down Monreal for penalty, could have been sent off soon after.

Keane - Showed why Man Utd have let him go. I mean seriously, anyone can get a game at centre back for Man Utd this season. Their actual centre backs now play on the right wing taking corners. Hail the tactical revolution!

Fernandez - Because when you’re 2 nil down at home to Chelsea, what you really need is to pass the ball straight to their top striker.

Cleverley - Just not good enough. The Championship beckons Tom. It’s calling your name long into the cold, wet nights.

Fernandinho - When did all Brazilian defensive players just get really shit? Oh yeah... that.

Sissoko - Did literally nothing. Seriously, check out his opta stats. No key passes. No tackles. No interceptions. No crosses. Zip. Nadir. Nowt.

Mata - Spent 45 minutes trying to make amends for how bad he was last week. Failed. Took the rest of the day off.

Nugent - Is to goal scoring what Neil Warnock is to managing. Great in the Championship, bobbins in the top flight. 11 goals in almost 5000 minutes ain’t great David. Although it’s better than Jozy Altidore so... what’s that, he’s left now? Where? Fucking Canada!? Oh come on. Who am I gonna mock now?

The entire of Aston Villa - Seriously guys, for me, please... just fucking score.

What you may have missed whilst I wasted print on Arsenal

Liverpool holding off all that attacking threat of Aston Villa with Martin Skertel’s small finger whilst casually passing it around and scoring “for a laugh” when they felt like it. A rip-snorter at Turf Moor which really, really should have got some coverage here. Alan Pardew still being in the Premier League for that matter... at an even more dislikeable club. Football Manager wonder kid Bojan Krkic actually starting to play real life football rather well. Chelsea reminding everyone they’re going to win the league again, whilst giving Edin Hazard the day off from doing anything and just letting Oscar run the show to let them know they still care about him. Spurs winning a game 2-1 again thanks to Christian “he’s just a one man Fergie time” Eriksen. Saints marching on, now with new players who are miles better than the ones they sold to Liverpool. And West Ham, Andy Carroll, Stewart Downing, Big Sam, Alex Song - it’s like a greatest hits of people other clubs don’t want. And are they making them laugh...

Oh and Manchester United playing three at the back yet again and recoiling in SHOCK AND FUCKING HORROR at it not working before reverting to the far more successful plan B. Two banks of four. Give it to Fellaini.

Seriously why did Moyes never think of this?

For fucks sake.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From a Premier League Alternate Universe

It’s Christmas, so it’s time to see what’s happened so far this season in an alternate universe…

Martinez Makes a Mockery of Second Season Syndrome
After a superb debut season at the helm of Everton, sullen and instantly dislikeable Roberto Martinez has picked up where he left off and already guided the Merseysiders to 3^rd place playing a brand of football that screams total from every orifice. Claims that Gareth Barry would fade as soon as he was given a permanent contract have looked well off the mark as the midfield maestro has eclipsed his form from last year with a series of assured displays. He is still yet to receive a booking, or mistime a single tackle this season. At the back, Martinez has felt no need to add youth to experience and has now kept 6 consecutive clean sheets thanks to the age defying presence of Sylvain Distin. Up front, Romelu Lukaku has made a mockery of his £28m fee by dominating games, never, ever going missing and thus far netting 20 goals in just 18 appearances. Special mention has to go to Kevin Mirallas though, who was thus far completed the most successful forward passes in the league, silencing talk that he is a greedy little hogger who thinks he is the Belgian Ronaldo. Hail the Toffees!

Garth Crooks gets it right again
Previously maligned “pundit” Garth Crooks, has thus far managed to “nail” each and every one of his fabled teams of the week. Calling for Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard to be jointly given the player of the year award after just one game was brave, but both have repaid his words by being consistently excellent in defensive midfield all season. In a much talked about move, Crooks controversially stepped away from just naming defenders who scored every week, and instead rewarding the actual job they are paid to do, namely keeping clean sheets. In goal, he has now gone a barely believable 3 whole weeks without giving the position to Joe Hart for no reason imaginable. Finally, despite having no reason whatsoever to stick to an actual formation, Crooks has defied his critics and done just that. No longer picking a side with seven forwards and Drogba at centre back, Crooks now hand crafts an XI each and every week that stands up both statistically and intelligently to any in the land.

West Brom prove loyalty and stability is the key to success
Riding high in 6^th place, West Brom chairman Jeremy Peace has cited “total stability” as the key to his sides form. Peace has refused many claims to sack Roberto Di Matteo despite indifferent form over the past five years. He has been rewarded though with the Italian playing fluent, passing football and a superb transfer window in which the Baggies added proven ability to their rosters and laughed whilst other clubs took hopeless punts on strikers who literally cannot score. Peace made reference to the likes of Stoke City and Swansea in his Christmas Speech, two clubs who have both gone through 11 managers in 3 years and have proven time and time again sacking coaches after a few months, whilst giving them no say whatsoever in transfers, is a highly risky strategy. West Brom can now enjoy the rest of the season, safe from relegation and ready to push for a much deserved European spot.

Arsenal remain the team to beat
10 points clear at the top and currently unbeaten, Arsene Wenger has quoted “mental toughness,” “never getting caught on the counter attack” and a “peerless record” against the other big teams as the key reasons behind their current success. Resisting the urge to add three more attacking midfielders to his team for no reason whatsoever, Wenger instead bought Mat Hummels and Diego Godin to the Emirates, as well as the defensive shield of Sami Khedira. The three have been crucial in cutting out the former frailties of the side and allowing the partnership of Danny Welbeck and Yaya Sanogo to play with potent abandonment up front. The pair, who many doubted would score the goals required for a title challenge, have notched 35 times between them to date. Behind them, Mesut Ozil and Jack Wilshire have been inspired and injury free, gathering 20 assists to date and having never once gone missing on a rainy night in Stoke.

Poyet lays all credit at the feet of Altidore and labels him “World’s Best”
4th spot, ahead of the free flowing but ailing Chelsea and the Wayne Rooney managed Manchester United, is rich reward so far for a Sunderland team who have taken off the handbrake and are currently the seasons top scorers. Whilst the likes of Lee Catermole, Jack Rodwell and Seb Larsson have all weighed in with goals a plenty, the real success story has been the reborn Jozy Altidore. The American has plundered 26 goals so far in just 17 matches with a shot conversion rate of 70%.  He has been an absolute lethal weapon in the Black Cats armoury and looks set to take the Champions League by storm if his team can maintain this sort of form into the New Year. His form is almost the complete opposite of the much maligned Sergio Aguero. The Argentinian is struggling badly in a City side that are languishing in mid-table and has now gone over 2,000 minutes without a goal, missing 8 penalties in that time. His manager remains positive though, singling out the fact he is yet to get injured as cause for optimism.

Team of the Season so Far:

Simon Mignolet
Wes Morgan
Kyle Naughton
Sylvain Distin
Eliaquim Mangala
Tom Cleverly
Darren Fletcher
Mikel Arteta
Hatem Ben Arfa
Mario Balotelli
Brown Ideye

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

Arsenal got lucky to even draw

For a team famed for possession football and well known for carving out chances and spurning them, it was strange to see Arsenal deliver what was almost a classic away day hit and run on Brendan Rodgers ailing Liverpool side. Arsene Wenger’s side of light weight schemesters (or the “balsa boys” as I like to call them) managed just 36% possession at Anfield and were subjected to 27 shots on goal, 11 of which were on target. In truth it was a disjointed, largely rancid performance that they almost got away because Liverpool do not possess either a centre back who can tackle, or a goal keeper who can literally save anything. As it was, a point was the least the home side deserved and they will take heart from an attacking performance that zipped and buzzed like last season, even if they lacked Suarez or Sturridge to finish everything off. Arsenal have QPR at home next, which is the top flight guarantee of three points, so there is plenty of reason for them to smile this Christmas time. Unless of course they lose, which if they defend as poorly as they did here again, they very well might.

The North East deserves more entertainment

In the 34 collective games this season both Sunderland and Newcastle have mustered together just 33 goals. Given both have solid, largely well organised defences (that Saints freak show aside); it’s probably fair for their fans to wonder what might be possible if they were capable of scoring more goals. The game yesterday exposed the flaws for all to see, with 31 shots and more bookings than efforts on target. Several, clear cut, whites of the keeper’s eyes chances were missed before Johnson finally struck late and swanned back to Wearside with all the points. For Pardew, it was another defeat in what looks ominously like the start again of “one of those runs.” Poyet meanwhile, must wonder what his team would be capable of if they didn’t have a strike force which has mustered together just 15 goals in the last 8,000 minutes. Just to put that into very little perspective, if they had just Sergio Aguero, they would have scored 75 goals over that same period…

Silva lining for City in striker shortage

They may be lacking up top, but City still showed Tyneside how to find the net this weekend thanks to an interchanging false 9 system and the abilities of David Silva. Both the Spaniard and Samir Nasri were superb in the dismantling of Crystal Palace on Saturday lunchtime; popping up all over the pitch to hurt the visitors where it mattered most. Granted Palace were obliging opponents, Neil Warnock has certainly taking the hand break of his troops since replacing Tony Pulis, but his teams remain brittle and hopeless when exposed to pace. He could also do with having a little more of a game plan than “give it to Bolasie, hope.” City on the other hand were somehow joint top for 48 hours, despite flattering to deceive for most of the season. With a festive schedule of West Brom, Burnley and Sunderland; the chances of being top on New Year’s Day remain a very real possibility.

How good could Edin Hazard be?

Edin Hazard is the best player in the Premier League. Only Sergio Aguero can have any real umbrage with that claim and his injury record is ultimately too poor to bear weight with the comparison. It’s very well being absolutely lethal, but when you only play half the time you’re going to make your manager nervous with every tackle you go into. Hazard is probably the best dribbler I’ve ever seen. Only Best, who I clearly never watched in my lifetime, and Lionel Messi in his pomp, look comparable to the method of dribbling Hazard possesses. He is quick, but he doesn’t power past players like Ronaldo, Bale and Robben with brute pace. He glides across the turf like a ballet dancer and can get past three or four players in a close space from a standing start. He can shoot from distance and from close range. He can head the ball, take a mean penalty and can cross a ball hard, stand it up or whip it in. He is, put simply, World Class. But, even in a team where he is probably the only player allowed “off the leash” - he is not truly, ever allowed off it. Hazard tracks back and does a lot of running in areas which don’t hurt teams. He has evolved into a superb all round player but one already starts to wonder what sort of attacking bounties he might be capable of if he played for a free flowing team like Munich, Real, Barca or even Manchester City. Hazard is young and on the verge of signing a massive new contract and he will almost certainly win trophies at Chelsea. But if he’s this good for a side that basically shuts up shop once they go 2-0 up in any game, one wonders if he’ll ever get itchy to go and play his football for a club which gives him limitless licence to thrill.

Will the first managerial casualty please stand up

With the first sacking of the season still to occur, I assess the five favourite contenders prior to the three games in a week festive bonanza.


Nigel Pearson

Pros: Attacking, expansive football. Unique desire to sit in the highest tier in the ground rather than the actual dugout. Earned promotion.

Cons: Continues to pick Paul Konchesky. Regularly sets up in a regimented 4-4-2. Hasn’t won a game in three months. Bottom and 5 points adrift of safety.


Steve Bruce:

Pros: Strong season last year and appears loyal to the club. Tactically sound and a proven man manager.

Cons: Winless in 10 games. Hasn’t scored in 7 of those matches. Spent arm and a leg on attacking players who so far, cannot attack. Unbelievably fat.


Alan Pardew:

Pros: In the top half of the table. Recently beat Chelsea. Known for long winning runs. Good motivator and, on his day, tactically very shrewd.

Cons: Despised by 75% of all fans. A complete and utter cunt. Known for long losing runs. On his day, tactically very naïve.


Brendan Rodgers:

Pros: Last season’s Manager of the Year. Desperately unlucky with lead striker being injured all season. Ability to play highly entertaining, flowing attacking football.

Cons: Signed Mario Balotelli. And 17 other duds. Total and utter inability to organise a defence in any semblance of a unit. Keeps picking Martin Skertel. Owners are itchy.


Harry Redknapp:

Pros: Charlie Austin at home.

Cons: Everyone else away.

Team of the Weak

Brad Jones – Has conceded 5 goals in two games whilst making one save. Which went straight to an attacking player. January can’t come soon enough.

Kelly – Torn apart by the twinkling nose of Nasri and Silva and looked every bit the Liverpool defender he once was.

Jagielka – Had a total mare and inexplicably got away with a stone wall penalty early on.
Coloccini – Looked far too fired up. Lucky not to get sent off. Conceded late winner.

Bardsley - Was given a torrid time by Hazard and Fabregas and could have been sent off twice.

Flamini - Looks a shadow of the defensive shield he was last season. Liverpool ran past him like he wasn’t even there.

Ramirez - In the team as the creative lynchpin. Created nothing.

Puncheon - Looked out of his depth. One free-kick was two pitches overhit. Booked.

Darren Fletcher - Hauled off at half time. It’s hard to think of a vice captain who a manager has so little faith in.

Ideye - Still yet to score and when you don’t do that against QPR you’re in real trouble.

Rooney - Played well creatively, but can anybody explain to me why the greatest English number 10 of our lifetime is playing in the Gerrard “retirement role” when he’s still in his twenties?

What you may have missed.

Either keeper making a save in the Man City/Palace match; LVG looking confused as to how his team still can’t pass the ball; Hull barely even trying to score anymore; Harry Redknapp not really giving a shit if Charlie Austin ever gets an England call up; Everton’s entire attack; Everton’s entire midfield; Everton’s entire defence; Spurs winning at home... just... to Burnley; Stewart Downing looking like he’s getting younger... and better... with age; a clean tackle in the Tyne-Wear derby; Cesc Fabregas growing his hair out and Jose Mourinho’s ridiculously amusing reactions to almost anything that happened during the match.

Merry Christmas, and tune in sometime over the festive period for my annual satirical look at the Christmas fixtures and my official team of the season so far.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey




Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

1. The importance of a safe pair of hands
In a match which laid bare the shortcomings of both these fallen giants, it wasn’t Wayne Rooney or Robin Van Persie who was the difference at Old Trafford, it was David De Gea. The Spaniard is Utd’s player of the season so far by a distance. Each and every week he is justifying why Ferguson paid so much money for him, and the ability which prompted Iker Casillas to quote “he will retire us all.” De Gea has now won a ridiculous four games in the last six on his own. Yes you have to score goals as well, but that’s made a lot easier when you have a keeper who couldn’t be further from the one at the other end if he tried. Finally losing patience with the woeful Simon Mignolet, Rodgers replaced him with the equally woeful Brad Jones. The Liverpool stopper dived out of the way of the first goal, stood static for the second and then just fell over for the third. It’s one thing being beaten 3-0 by your neighbours, but to do so with so little a fight will be hurting Liverpool bad. Where United are grinding out results and returning to their winning ways, if certainly not their winning best, Pool are bereft of confidence and look a side unrecognisable from the one that tore into the league just a few months ago.  There are too many problems to list here, right now it would be simpler to just say “everything.” Liverpool have scored just 2 goals in their last 3 games, all of which were pretty much must win. The fact that their fans are nervous about playing Bournemouth this week pretty much says it all. Rodgers isn’t on borrowed time just yet, but he needs to sign somebody in January who will actually go straight into the team and improve it. Since Sturridge, Rodgers has signed 18 players… and not a single one of them have fulfilled that criteria.

2. Was it National Diving Day?
The sight not just of attacking midfielders and forwards diving, but hardened centre backs, was a real step back in the ongoing “war against simulation.” I’ll look past the decision making ability of Chris Foy, instead focussing on what it’s coming to when Gary Cahill, England’s first choice centre back, feels the need to deliberately cheat by diving in the box. At least Cahill had the good grace to look embarrassed. Unlike Diego Costa, who was apparently “in tears” after the match following his 7^th “unfair” booking of the season. When quizzed on this matter by Jose, apparently Chris Foy offered Costa a hankie. Which was better than anything he actually did in the match.

On the subject of Diving. Danny Murphy (not, crucially, Robbie Savage) had it right on Match on the Day. It should be retrospectively punished by a panel of three people. A referee, an ex-player and a pundit/expert/neutral. I don’t buy the line for one second that it’s hard to prove. Even discounting the obvious non-contact ones we saw at Chelsea, I can’t believe any sane, unbiased professional could look at Adam Johnson on a replay and claim he didn’t dive. There would still be the odd grey area, but then so be it. There is always going to be a grey area. Can anyone make an argument that it wouldn’t cut diving out almost straight away? It’s cheating. Plain and simple. And should be treated as such.

3. Déjà vu for Steve Bruce
After an impressive start to his Hull career, Steve Bruce has struggled badly this year and currently cannot buy a win. It’s a familiar story for Bruce, who regularly starts well at clubs before tailing off. Certainly that was the case in his last role at Sunderland where Bruce initially stabilised the team before getting sacked following a dreadful run. The same now appears true at Hull and in both cases you could point the finger at some very average transfer business. Bruce is clearly a good man-manager and regularly varies his tactics to good effect. But too often he has signed players who haven’t performed elsewhere and watched, mildly shocked, that they haven’t just magically started to perform for him. Hull now find themselves in the relegation zone and have back to back games over Christmas (Sunderland/Leicester) against teams they now really have to beat. Ben Arfa being sent to train in Paris by himself probably isn’t the answer either.

Also in an irrelevant aside, why the fuck is Steve Bruce so fat? I mean I know you're not playing anymore Steve, but come on man, do they not let you enter the club gym?

4. Villa need to let the hand-break off. And quickly.
Stumbling to defeat against West Brom, Aston Villa sank back in to the danger zone on Saturday after a promising couple of results. The problem with Villa clearly isn’t the defence. Indeed, Paul Lambert is almost the anti Brendan Rodgers. Having taking a series of rough diamonds and youth players and consistently organised them into a solid, coherent, defensive unit; the problem with Villa is very much at the other end of the pitch. Since the start of last season, Villa have now played 54 games and scored a paltry 49 goals. Most of those goals have come through the power of Benteke or the pace of Agbonlahor. Without those two Villa look like a side who can’t buy a goal. Lambert seems permanently attracted to midfielders who hustle and bustle but don’t create anything, instead relying on width through a 4-3-3 formation that he almost never tinkers with. Villa can be a threat on the counter, and it’s not a surprise that they’ve done okay against teams which dominate possession. When they come up against anyone else however, they struggle badly possessing almost nobody who can take the game to the opposition. They probably won’t get relegated and they certainly won’t win anything, but over the course of the last two years Villa are, by every statistic going, the most boring team in the land. Come on Paul… let’s have a bit of fun eh.

5. QPR at home is the cure to any teams blues.
Everton's home form has been nothing to shout home about. They have toiled against some of the lesser lights and conceded a hat-ful against the big boys. So there was no better cure to that then the fixture calender handing them three points with the visit of QPR. Deprived of the only player in their team who can score, Rangers were neat, tidy and ultimately useless for most of the game. For Everton, Ross Barkley was superb in a deeper role, capping his performance with a spectaular strike come suspiciously dramatic own goal. Strange then, that following the third goal QPR had scored on Everton's behalf, the home team seemingly completely and utterly gave up. For the 10 minutes following the goal Rangers had 86% possession. Which is ridiculous for the worst away team in the league who do not in anyway play a passing game. Everton's pass completion for the last half hour was less than 80% and we witnessed the bizarre scene of home fans booing their team despite having already comfortably won the match. QPR did eventually score following some poor defensive work and then the rest of the game was played out as if everyone just wanted to forget about it all. Which given what the result did for my fantasy football team, frankly included me.

Team of the Weak:

Jones – Hopeless, lacking in organisation and ability. Looked every bit the third choice keeper he by rights should be.

Coloccini – Torn apart by Arsenal’s pace, power and ability.
Cahill – Should have been sent off. Twice.

Clyne – Has been superb this year, but horrible error gifted Burnley a goal and was shut down going forward.

Bartley – Looked shaky and helped allow Spurs to bundle in a winner.

Lallana – Ghosted around creating little and hauled off yet again at half time. Has not been the start to his Liverpool career he would have dreamed about.

Willian – Next to Oscar, Fabregas and Hazard most players look pretty ordinary, but surely Andre Schurrle deserves more chances?
Cleverely – Pass left. Pass right. Run a bit. Wonder how much your stock has fallen in 2 years.

Sterling – Missed chance, after chance, after chance, after chance. Looked like he might cry.

Pelle – Has now statistically missed more chances than any player in the league. Saints need him firing again and fast.

Altidore – But he’s still miles, miles, miles, miles better than Jozy, 1 Sunderland goal in 2065 minutes (two thousand and sixty five) Altidore.

Two. Thousand. And. Sixty. Five. Minutes.

Apparently Burnley are interested…

What you may have missed:

Sports Personality of the Year, Tom Huddlestone getting suspended for 4 games for showing Chelsea what an actual tackle looks like, Man City having not a single fit striker until the January sales, Jozy Altidore missing an open goal from six yards, Liverpool trying to defend, Oliver Giroud resembling an actual world class number 9, Santi Cazorla resembling an actual world class number 8, Spurs absolutely robbing Swansea of any points and Peter Crouch, still rumbling on, still scoring goals and closing in on his Premier League century of strikes. And there are some stellar names in that list. Shearer. Cole. Henry. Fowler. Drogba. Heskey…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey