Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Five

1. You don’t get what you deserve in this sport…
Following a Liverpool v Utd match which saw the away fans behave impeccably and the home fans lead a stirring tribute to the 96 who died at Hillsborough, it was left, for once, for the football to do the talking. The only incident of note during a first half of the worst possible quality was a harsh sending off for the Liverpool youngster Jonjo Shelvey. The challenge was reckless, but Shelvey’s real crime was catching the equally as committed Evans and not the ball and he paid the worst possible price. On another day that and an equally as soft penalty decision could have gone Liverpool’s way. It is indicative of their season so far that they didn’t. The Anfield faithful deserved to come home with a victory this weekend and yet again they saw their team undone by a combination of bad luck, poor finishing and some questionable defending. Man Utd have won their last four games despite playing well for around 30 minutes in total. Criminally still reliant on Paul Scholes, a Utd team shorn of him and Rooney look unable to create anything, especially when Kagawa sees so little of the ball from a midfield used to continuously spraying it out wide. Nani is a shadow of his former self, and that former self was pretty shit to begin with. RVP looked tired, Valencia not at the races and Patrice Evra is now the worst full back defensively in the entire league. As it is, Utd somehow sit a point off the top of the table haven’t yet to get going this season and that can only spell bad news for everyone else. As for Liverpool, 2 points from 5 games and a goal difference of minus 6 is a brutally harsh statistic. Rodgers style will take time to bed in but already what little chance they had of returning to the Champions League is gone. Winning a game has to be the immediate priority, keeping a clean sheet the next. Rodgers’ teams are easy on the eye but the contrast with the slick, first time passing of Joe Allen and the penetrating, sometimes brilliant, sometimes wayward through balls of Gerrard just isn’t working as a combination. At this rate Everton might, just might, win a Derby match this year.

EDIT - following writing this it has emerged that a small pocket of Utd fans stayed behind after the match and sang anti-Hillsborough chants until they were cleared to exit. This is a sickening development to a day that started so well. They should be identified, banned for life and charged by a court of law. They are a disgrace to MUFC and a disgrace to football in general. Utd should be fined, docked points and made to play games behind closed doors. This cannot be allowed to happen and if I was Alex Ferguson I would refuse to play a match until these "fans" are identified and thrown out of football.

2. …and ultimately, points are everything.
If Utd can consider themselves lucky to be 2^nd in the league, the fact that Manchester City remain unbeaten looks almost criminal. They have been outplayed in every match this season and Sunday was no exception. A rampant, slick Arsenal side, led by the majestical Santi Carzola, tore into City during an opening 40 minutes when they could have led by three goals. As it was, Gervinho had one of those days and as it was left to the Arsenal centre back to salvage a point late on following Joleon Lescott’s undeserved opener. The league table doesn’t lie, but with the exception of Everton it currently provides scant reward for those who have played the best football this season. Arsenal have looked as good as anyone yet find themselves just a point ahead of Spurs and Newcastle, both of whom have been pretty dreadful. The turgid West Ham meanwhile, have twice as many points as Sunderland & Stoke; both of whom have looked solid and dependable and unlikely to concede too many goals. Points mean everything in this game though and whilst Liverpool have been poor, they have not been anywhere close to the second worst team in the division. Perhaps in another month or two things will start to even out a bit, but right now Utd, City and even Chelsea are there for the taking. The fact that nobody is managing to do that looks ominous.

3. Gervinho is not the new Kanu.
Lethal against the defensive might of Southampton, the talk in some quarters was that Gervinho was now ready to fulfil his potential and live up to his billing as the new Kanu. Not on Sunday’s evidence. In an otherwise near faultless Arsenal performance, the Ivorian had an absolute horror show. One first touch following a beautiful through ball which sent him free of the defence was so bad he should be fined two weeks wages on the spot. He followed that up with a mixture of falling over, failing to pick a pass or weaving around three players before blazing a shot high and wide over and over again. Gervinho can certainly dribble, but he has none of the effortless, almost poetic qualities of Kanu that made him such a joy to watch. Whereas Kanu looked like a sleek panther who sometimes couldn’t be bothered to hunt for his prey, Gervinho looks like a strange puppet who is being pulled in several different directions at once. His approach to finishing seems to just be hit it as hard as physically possible every time. Of course, he’s still capable of the odd moment of brilliance, but his selection over Walcott, contract wrangling’s aside, looks a touch perverse. And don’t even get me started on that hairline.

4. When will Alan Pardew get the call from the big guy downstairs?
There’s no denying that Pardew has assembled a fine team on a shoestring budget. If he could get Ba and Cisse scoring at the same time his Newcastle team could even finish in the top four. There is also no denying however, that the man IS the Anti-Christ. The way Pardew prowls a touchline, strokes his hair back and gazes menacingly into space all points to one thing. That he’s simply not human. Right now the question has to be asked whether there is a more detestable sight in football than the Pardew fist pump? It’s not just the mannerisms and the actions though, it’s the post-match interviews where Pardew has managed to invent an entirely new tense in which to speak in. He manages to mix a third person narrative arc in with an almost voyeuristic description of the way his team is performing. In one section of his post-match interview this weekend he used the words “they,” “we,” “I,” “them” and “us” all in the same speech to describe his own team. He then bore into the reporter and his eyes turned red. I’m not making this up folks. Still think he’s not waiting for a return to the underworld? Just watch this celebration and tell me this guy is all there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foq7RD0qnn4

5. John Terry will not be missed.
I can’t even be bothered to drag up old banter about JT. The news he has retired from International football is worthy enough to declare a national holiday. The most detestable football of my lifetime will play for my country no more. Given Jags & Cahill are better and Smalling & Jones the future, his “retirement” is no loss anyway. If Gerrard, Barry, Cole and Lampard can now all follow suit that would be lovely. I’ll leave you with this as a parting shot… last month JT was asked about England’s questionable ranking of 3^rd in the world. His response? “I think that’s fair. We have the players, it’s just up to us to prove it.” Few people have had a more inflated opinion of their own ability and importance than JT. And few players have managed to be so hated for just being themselves. John Terry is a sewer rat and I hope the FA through the book at him today. Not for being racist. But for just being John fucking Terry. Cheering for the national side again just got a whole lot easier.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Four

Liverpool finally get justice off the pitch, if not on it.
After a campaign for justice that has spanned over two decades, the Hillsborough report published this week finally revealed the truth for all to see. The families of those affected by this horrendous tragedy have fought for justice for 23 years and now there can be no doubting the facts… the Liverpool fans were blameless, the South Yorkshire Police, FA and Sheffield Wednesday Football Club were not. End of discussion. Of course, until those who were to blame (both in terms of the incident and the subsequent reporting of it) are held accountable the families will continue to campaign and seek for these wrongs to be righted in every way they should. For now though, every single football fan up and down the country knows that anything other than unwavering support and sympathy towards those families is completely unacceptable. Alex Ferguson acted quickly to attempt to draw a line under chants that have been rife between Liverpool and Utd fans since the disaster. The Hillsborough tragedy chants and returning Munich ones are as sickening as football gets and have to stop. A small pocket of Utd fans carried on the chants this weekend (all be it of a different nature) and an apology and condemnation from the club is just not good enough. These fans should be identified and banned for life. ANY club guilty of terrace abuse of this nature should be made to play without fans for its next game. Moving back to matters on the pitch, Liverpool could not mark the occasion with their first win of the season against a typically resilient Sunderland. Despite having 66% possession and well over 20 attempts at goal, it was a case of same old Liverpool as they couldn’t find the back of the net. Suarez did eventually score to cancel out Fletchers opener near the end, but in truth Liverpool deserved to win the game. For Hillsborough, an event that redefined football in my lifetime, justice has finally come. For this once great football club on the pitch however, the glory days still look a long way off.

Arsenal might not have replaced RVP, but they have replaced Cesc Fabregas
Southampton have not had the easiest entrance into the Premier League and after being cruelly beaten at the death by both Manchester clubs, they came up against an Arsenal side in full stride on Saturday. The Gunners have started the season well and there are two main reasons for that. The first has been their defence, thanks largely to a fit Vermaelen and the recruitment of Steve Bould, but the second has been the signing of Santi Cazorla. The Spaniard is two footed and with a deftness of touch that should be the envy of any English footballer. He already looks at home as the central point of one of the league’s best teams and seems to see passes before he even receives the ball. He controlled the rhythm and tempo of the game on Saturday and although he only directly created one of the six goals, he was involved in the build ups to all six of them. Wenger’s team played with a Barcelona esque approach at times, with Gervinho as a false 9 and Podolski and Chamberlain popping up wide and cutting in. Granted they were playing Southampton, but in the absence of Van Persie and with Giroud yet to pack his shooting boots, this could be the way they set up this season. With Santi pulling the strings they look solid, fluent and strong. It’s incredibly early days, but it’s hard to see them finishing outside the top four on this evidence.  Next week’s match up with Man City could be a cracker.

Wayne Bridge is good at something after all
Anyone who didn’t want to talk about the pre-match handshake before QPR v Chelsea on Saturday must have cursed a miserable game which gave the pundits… pretty much nothing else to talk about. What struck me about Anton’s pre-mediated act of defiance (other than the ultimately total meaninglessness of it) was quite how bad his attempt to NOT shake Terry’s hand was. After shaking the officials hands in a calm and normal manner, he then dropped his hand sharply only to find himself with nowhere to go. Face to face to with John Tery, Anton tried to slip past and just bundles into a mascot. Pushing him out of the way he then over compensates for his botched gesture by offering the rest of the Chelsea team huge, over the top handshakes like he’s known them all his life. At least Ashley “Choc-Ice” Cole was on the end so he could just scamper past him onto the pitch. A similar comedy of errors occurred at Old Trafford last season as Suarez somewhat more questionably refused to shake Evra’s hand but was hauled back by the defender. It made them both, and the now much questioned pre match gesture, just look silly. As it is, we have to go back to Wayne Bridge in 2010 to show us how to not shake John Terry’s hand properly. Bridge is poetry in motion as he just dips his hand a fraction, scooting under JT’s and into the paw of the mascot next to him. It’s brilliant. It’s sheer class. It’s better than anything the man has ever done on the pitch…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=461FsoV1yG4

Blackburn are still as entertaining as ever
After their relegation from the Premier League there was a feeling that it could be a long time before we saw the Kentucky Fried Army again. However, having brought in some pretty decent transfer signings, as well as hanging on to a lot of their squad, Blackburn are still unbeaten and sit at the top of the fledgling Championship table. More than that though, they are showing no signs of going away quietly but rather continue to be as strange and wonderful as before. For starters Steve Keane is still there. Despite fans continuing to protest at every fixture, the manager who must be eating a lot of chicken to keep his job is doing just that. Rumours continue to abound though that not only will he be sacked if Blackburn slip off the pace, but that he’ll be sacked if they lose a single game. Given his team’s flimsy defence, not to mention commitment to attack, going a whole season unbeaten seems very unlikely to say the least. Blackburn look up for the challenge though. New signing Jordan Rhodes raised eyebrows with his £8m fee but repaid some of it straight away on Saturday with two fine goals. Scott Dann, Paul Robinson, David Dunn and Morten Gamst Pedersen all remain at the club, and the signing of Danny Murphy is looking like a masterstroke. Up top Rhodes has been joined by the talented Kasim Richards and, somewhat bizarrely, Nuno Gomez. Blackburn and Venkey’s are not going away. They said they came to win trophies… and if they have to start that run by winning the Championship one first, it looks like it could be entertaining for all to watch. Whether Steve Keane is there next week, let alone next year, remains as much of a mystery as ever.

What is happening at Real?
Away from the Premier League still further, the champions of Spain have thus far won a single match of their opening four league fixtures, losing two and currently finding themselves in 11^th place. Normally the old “early days” statement would be bandied around to high heaven, but in Spain things are different. The league is a straight out two-horse race and giving Barcelona an 8 point head start already looks pretty daunting for Jose and his team of superstars. Real were ragged at the weekend and never looked like scoring. Luca Modric has come to add more guile to the midfield but he’s yet to start a game and couldn’t unlock the Sevilla defence when he did come on. With their star player making it clear he’s not a happy boy, Real & Ronaldo need to get things back on track and fast to stop this season unravelling before it’s even begun. Next game? Man City tomorrow night. Who said the Champions’ League Group Stages were dull…

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Three

The Transfer Window was an all-out carnival of comedy

As the window slammed shut at near midnight on Friday there was a genuine sense of confusion and comedy at what had happened for several clubs over the past couple of months. On the plus side, there have been some big marquee signings for the first time in three years. Not only did Van Persie, the world’s top out and out striker, commit his future to the league; but new talent like Hazard, Michu, Kagawa & Oscar took their place amongst more experienced talent like Santi, Podolski and Garcia. On the flip side, it appears that several of the bigger clubs have actually weakened their squads over the summer. There were few more surreal dealings than Man City paying 6.5m for Scott Sinclar and seeing Swansea instantly replace him with the cheaper, better Hernandez . Meanwhile, Spurs transfer dealings can only be considered a success when compared to Liverpool. They have let a myriad of players leave this summer and have replaced them with quality, but nothing like the sort of quantity you need to compete on several fronts. Surely the lengthy pursuit of Loris could have been spent on a striker or a winger? Or anyone at all to suggest that Ekottu & Bale won’t have to play 50 games back to back? Friedel was outstanding again at the weekend and the decision to drop him, if it comes, will not sit well with the already disillusioned White Hart Lane faithful. Still, whilst Swansea, West Ham, Stoke and um, Blackburn, can be happy with their deadline day deals… the greatest failure was that of Liverpool football club to buy… well anyone. Since Rodgers has come in he has completely dismantled King Kenny’s squad with all the subtly of a 1920’s war medic. That’s not a bad thing per se, but as a club what sort of statement does it make to spend £100m one season only to completely lose faith in those players the next. Surely Adams & Carroll could have done a job for Pool? Especially the latter who leaves to bolster West Ham’s aerial threat and severely weaken Pool’s depth of attacking talent. Pool have let 13 players leave this summer and brought in 5. Whichever way you do the math, their squad is now badly weakened and there is no real sense they have bought anyone who will make them better than last season. They look a team not so much in decline, but one who have accepted mid table mediocrity for the foreseeable future. Christ, they look like fucking Aston Villa.

The Champions League Rankings need a serious rethink.
This week’s draw sprung up some exciting match ups, predictable dead rubbers and a genuine group of death… but it also sprung up some serious questions about a system that allows Arsenal to continue being drawn in Pot One of a tournament they have never won, whilst also managing to not win a single domestic trophy for the past eight seasons. By contrast how can Dortmund, a team which have European pedigree over the past 20 years and have won back to back domestic titles, be placed in the middle of Pot Four? Below Celtic? What system are UEFA using for these rankings? Man City were in pot four last year, which seemed fair given it was their first ever entry into the competition and they had only scraped into the tournament at the last minute. But they were at the top of pot two this year despite being knocked out at the group stage? Ok they won their domestic title, but then so did Dortmund? Twice. Regardless of the system, winning a title should be the most important thing each season. Pot one should be the reigning champions of Spain, Germany, England, Italy, Holland, Portugal, France & Russia. Pot two the next eight clubs with the best record in the tournament over the past three-five years. Pot three the champions of the lesser leagues and moving down to pot four which is everyone else (i.e. those who come 3^rd and 4^th in the bigger leagues). This absurd bias towards teams from England & Spain has to stop. Crucially, a system which throws up genuine group stage drama will only serve to make the tournament more competitive and more exciting from day one. And don’t even get me started on the 3^rd place Noropa League farce…

Utd don’t need a replacement for Paul Scholes, they need one for Roy Keane.
The most heard line that Alex Ferguson has heard over the past five years has been “when are you going to replace Paul Scholes?” In that period Utd have been linked with a host of attacking midfielders such as Ozil and Sneijder and brought none. Until Kagawa this year that is. However, over the past few years Utd have hardly lacked for goals. They scored a hatful last season and despite Fergie’s belief otherwise, they didn’t lose the title by not scoring enough, they lost it by conceding ten goals at home to City & Everton. Already this season Utd look if not a slicker prospect going forward, then certainly one more capable of unlocking stubborn defences with a more varied passing style and the ball over the top to Van Persie. What they don’t look like though, is a team capable of going ten games without conceding a goal. Hell right now they don’t look like being able to go one game without conceding a goal. Rafael is a sham of a fullback and Evra is now a sham of player full stop. The centre backs look strong at least, just about making up for an erratic duo of keepers. But the real problem, as was proved yet again by Southampton this weekend, is the lack of any sort of shielding player to stop opponents attacking at will through the centre. Cleverly, Anderson and Carrick are all fine players when the possession stats are in their favour, but against teams who attack them at pace they are essentially passengers. Where was the bid for Check Tiote? For Diarra? For Tom Huddlestone (joke). Utd are lacking in several positions, but a genuine, ball winning holding player would free up the attacking talent to create and dazzle knowing that they have a player in reserve to do the donkey work. Utd look as entertaining as ever, but come the big matches it’s hard to look beyond the likes of Toure, Khedira, Xavi et all making boys once more of Fergusons balsa midfield.

West Brom have crept under the radar.
There has already been good talk this year of the strong starts made by Everton, Swansea and Chelsea; but sitting in 3^rd in the table, still unbeaten and having conceded just one goal are West Bromwich Albion. Relatively quiet in the transfer window, the Baggies main activity was replacing the departing Hodgson by bringing in Steve Clarke for his first managerial role. So far it’s a role he looks tailor made for. West Brom are a disciplined, well organised team in all the right ways (i.e. not managed by Sam Allardyce). They play with genuine width and now have a great collection of bustling centre forwards who can all get goals. Ben Foster remains easily the second best English keeper around and they have a great set of fans. Few would begrudge them a prolonged stay in the top flight and on the evidence so far, it looks like their days of being a yo-yo club may be about to end.

Just when you think MOTD can’t get worse, it does.
For no reason whatsoever, this year the BBC has decided to use our licence money to pay Harry Redknapp to provide “analysis” on a Saturday night. This was bad enough anyway, but when paired with Alan Shearer it was like watching two invalids trying to learn to speak. Shearers first job this week was to get Michu’s name wrong (twice), his transfer fee wrong (three times) and then talk us through the action of the first game by essentially repeating word for word the commentary. Harry meanwhile providing no analysis whatsoever. Seemingly still thinking he was in “the game”, Redknapps comments consisted of him saying “Yeah I like him, I like him a lot, I’ve looked at signing him” over and over again? Lineker at one point asked him a question twice having not received anything by way of an answer first time around. When he was once again greeted with a cockney ad lib he tried Shearer, who was staring into space. At one point Redknapp just interrupted him and announced “Spurs are a top side and they’ll come top four no worries.” Harry you’re not their manager anymore you wanker. That said, if it gets you off my screen in this capacity, I’ll call Levy myself right now.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Two

1. The Swans are flying.
Second season syndrome can be a terrible affliction and many people tipped Swansea to suffer from a pretty serious case of it. More so given their manager and best midfielders jumped ship to Liverpool & Spurs. Instead, Swansea seem a team who have been given a new burst of life under the stewardship of Michael Laudrup. They are passing the ball even better than before and have so far scored 8 goals to no reply without getting out of 3^rd or 4^th gear. The season may only be 2 games old, but it’s already almost impossible to consider their being a better signing than Michu. The Spaniard is entering his prime at 26 and scored or assisted 30 goals in La Liga last season. Better than Ozil, Iniesta, Santi, Xavi… or indeed anyone. His fee of £2m looks like a practical joke. Chico also cost just £2m and looks a considerably better player than, to name someone at random, Jordan Henderson. Swansea have a nice run of early fixtures and could well lead the table into October. Of course, things can change pretty quickly at this fledgling stage of the season, but for now it is Norwich who look to be suffering badly from a change of manager and a second stab at the top flight. The Swans, fast becoming everyone’s 2^nd team, are flying high. Even Barcelona players are starting to watch them…

2. Everton fans are beginning to believe.
I said at the end of the last season that if Everton could start this campaign well and keep their squad together they could make the top six; so far that statement looks like it should be the minimum of their ambition. The Toffees followed up their impressive; Fellaini inspired battering of Man Utd this weekend, with a ruthless dismembering of a flailing Aston Villa. The resigning of Pienaar, the versatility of Fellaini and the craft and guile of Jelavic had made for a fearsome attacking unit, something that Everton have badly missed over the past few years. Indeed, with two new strikers added into the mix and a solid back line they look in better shape than ever to make a serious tilt at the Champions League places. David Moyes has done a remarkable job at this club; he has got them playing together and punching above their weight year after year. If the season started at Christmas, Everton would have been in the Champions League five of the last six years. The problems have always been a messy close season and a sluggish start trying to find a settled team. This season, for once, they have come out flying. Suddenly finishing above Liverpool should not be the minimum achievement for this once great club. Finishing above Spurs & Newcastle is well within their grasp, especially if they can get lucky with injuries in what still looks like a thin squad defensively. The only bad side to all this? As the bond between Man Utd & Everton seems to gets closer, it looks increasingly likely that if Jose is not around, Moyes is the only other manager who will likely get offered the Old Trafford hot seat when Fergie retires. On this evidence, he would be welcomed openly. Everton fans may feel differently.

3. Rooney is no longer first choice.
Since Ronaldo & Tevez left in the same summer, Rooney has been Utd’s main attacker in a formation that has often been built around him. He has scored over 30 goals twice in that time and it has often looked like removing him from the team would be akin to cutting off a leg. Not anymore. Rooney was average towards the end of the last season, his form masked initially by some close range strikes. He carried that form into the Euro’s where he was predictably terrible and last Monday at Everton he had another one of those “is he even fit” moments. Sure enough, having bought RVP and Kagawa over the summer Fergie relegated his star asset to the bench and watched the two of them form an impressive and immediate partnership. Indeed, Utd only stopped looking threatening once Rooney came onto the pitch. RVP was the obvious star signing this summer, but Kagawa could be the most important. Utd have cried out for an attacking midfielder who can work in small spaces and the Japanese playmaker looks to tick all the boxes. For years Ferguson has refused to buy attacking midfielders under the guise that “nobody is as good as Xavi or Iniestia.” Given those two are clearly not for sale, the Scott seems to have finally found their closest heir. Kagawa looks a brilliant player, all one and two touches he moves the ball in every direction with pace and precision. In two games he has been the team’s best player twice and completed more passes than anyone. Following Rooney’s injury at the weekend, Ferguson’s statement that he would be out for “at least 4 weeks” seemed oddly direct for an injury which was little more than a gash and hadn’t even been assessed. It was almost as if the manager had found an excuse to give the striker a rest and watch as his two new signings work together over the coming fixtures. With Saints away and Wigan at home next up, Rooney may find it harder than ever to get back in the team. Given his combative personality, you’d think this would only serve to galvanise him. Good news for Utd fans… if not for the opposition when he eventually returns…

4. QPR are playing a dangerous game, and people will want them to fail.
If there is one thing more distasteful amongst football fans than getting a millionaire owner and buying a team of A-List talent set for glory, it’s getting a slightly less rich millionaire owner and buying a team of C-List talent set for mediocrity. Step forward QPR, who currently have the largest squad in the league (including a ridiculous ten strikers) and are still looking to buy all and sundry over the coming few days. Proudly sporting “everyone else’s reserves XI” – Rangers have scraped a single point from two very winnable games and have Man City, Chelsea and Spurs up next. They look like a team who could go down and drop like a stone into the lower leagues under this set up. Inflated fees are one thing, but it's inflated wages which really cost a club if they don’t succeed and QPR are signing up countless players on salaries they don’t deserve at that stage of their careers. There is no investment in youth, no long term sell on value to most of these players and they still have Joey Barton to contend with. The fans must be worried, very worried. Still, at least they can console themselves that they have Mark Hughes at the helm. A man who still seems to believe he is the greatest manager… in the world.

5. Chelsea could well be a Hazard for the Manchester clubs.
The experts predicted a two horse race for the title, but having seen Chelsea come out of the blocks faster than a speeding bullet; they have been embarrassingly backtracking to include them in the shakeup via a host of ifs and buts. Much of the reason for this has been the form of Edin Hazard, the most expensive signing of the summer so far and already looking worth every penny. The Belgian has pace and trickery to burn and is already well suited to life at his new club given he is both a cheat and a complete prick. Around him Roman has assembled an attacking unit to rival any in the land and this week spent his one billionth pound on new signings for the club. Let me rephrase that in case you didn’t get that first time around. In the 9 seasons since Roman Abramovich took over at Chelsea they have spent £1BILLION on new signings. That. Is. Madness. Still, this time around Chelsea have the holy grail in their back pocket and are finally ready to play the entertaining, expansive football that Roman craves for his cash. Will they win the title? No chance. They have a defence made of balsa wood and John Obi Mikel as their solitary holding player. Will they actually prove entertaining for once? It certainly looks like it. And if they ruffle the feathers of those who are truly mad for it in the meantime then it should at least make for another interesting season.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week One

You can’t make predictions after one game, but it’s fun to try.

As is often the norm on opening day, there were some truly ridiculous scorelines as the Premier League roared back to life with its usual overblown gusto and drama. If Fulham beating Norwich 5-0 was a shock, it was topped by West Brom hammering Liverpool and then Swansea putting 5 past QPR away from home. Saints meanwhile, gave the champions the fright of their lives as City picked up where they left off from last season by once again coming from a goal down to win late on. On this evidence Pool will struggle, City will ship goals, Steve Clarke is under no pressure at all, QPR will go down and Fulham & Swansea will cruise to European slots playing free flowing attacking football. The reality of course is probably that on this evidence… Pool will struggle.

Luis Suarez really, really can’t shoot.
Liverpool have had one of the more interesting close seasons. The King has been dethroned and in his place has stepped up Brendan Rodgers, a man who has made his name in a very short period of time. So far, Rodgers has paid a lot of money for a player Swansea appear to have replaced on a free and completely ostracised Liverpool’s most expensive ever signing. He has also signed a young Italian striker, seemingly to play on the wing and shipped out a lot of big earners from the club. Whilst he’s certainly trimmed the wage bill, Liverpool’s squad looks light. Very light. And they need Luis Suarez to find form and fast if they are going to avoid another mid table position far away from the top four. Suarez is a fine player, as good as any attacker out there at getting into the box. In it however, he now rivals Ade Akenbiyi. Glen Hoddle once dismissed Andy Cole as a striker who needed “six chances to score.” Since the start of last season, Suarez has scored a goal every TEN chances he has had. That is an appalling stat for a striker of his supposed quality and the scary thing is that over 50% of the attempts haven’t even been on target. His record in Ajax now looks like a statistical anomaly rather than the work of a forward genius. Suarez still has the look of a player who will suddenly score five in a game but Liverpool need to unlock that player and fast. Their midfield looks abject and the defence weakened massively by Agger’s early season bath. With Chelsea strengthening heavily and Newcastle showing no signs of going away, Liverpool have a mammoth job finishing in the top six let alone the top four. Brendan Rodgers has his work cut out, but teaching his main man some finishing skills would help speed the process up a bit.

Utd & City will surely entertain us all year.
Despite the obvious reduction in quality in the Premier League over the past 5 years, there is little denying that except when Aston Villa are playing, the entertainment levels continue to go up to 11. City & Utd look set to take their battle one step further this year with an all-out commitment to attack. City have come out playing a very positive 4-1-3-2 and even if Aguero is injured for a long time, have three quality strikers alongside Silva, Nasri, Johnson and a further attacking signing to come. Utd meanwhile, not content with having four strikers on the books have added the best one in the league alongside two further attacking midfielders. The fact that both clubs were weakest in the full back and defensive midfield positions appears to have been completely lost on both managers, but should be championed as a victory for positivity. Ferguson has looked at the goals City scored last year and simply said… we need to score more than them. It looks a mouth-watering prospect and if it means the end of the hideous 4-5-1 formation that no top team should ever have to adopt, then all the better.

Fantasy Football is back… and it’s more frustrating than ever.
With Sergio Aguero injured and Torres the safe bet for first week captain, fantasy football managers across the land must be cursing this morning after watching the likes of Michu, Dyer, Ridgewell, Demel and countless people from Fulham whose names you can’t pronounce, propel those who had gambled on them up into what will surely be a false early position. Fantasy football is a funny old game, it looks so easy but is at its most frustrating when you actually try and work it out. I actually checked some analysis at one point before deciding to go for Noble over Nolan, only to see the latter score. Two of my players fell ill hours before the match and what with Aguero’s injury, my day was further wrecked by transferring out Michu at the last minute to make way for Joe Allen. For no reason. Oh wait he plays for Liverpool now. Maybe this is what it feels like to be manager of England? You want to gamble on the little men at the smaller clubs but there’s this voice which keeps coming back to you which says “but surely if he plays for Spurs or Liverpool he must be great.” How else did Jordan Henderson play in the Euro’s? Or Jermaine Jenas ever get capped? It clearly all got too much for Matthew Letts, whose shockingly bad team is hindered by his refusal to pick anyone from Man Utd or Chelsea. Oh well Lettsy, I’m sure once Agger comes back from his suspension and er… Junior Hoilett starts banging the goals in you’ll be alright.

It’s make or break time for Arsene Wenger’s experiment. Again.
Like a scientist who keeps hinting at a fantastic discovery, Wenger has just managed to keep his head above water over the past few years by continuing to qualify for the Champions League. This achievement has just about managed to offset the grumblings about lack of trophies and a migrating squad. This season is different though… this season for the first time he has carefully researched targets and brought in new players to fit a system he still believes can win trophies. The Van Persie loss is huge, but unlike Nasri he knew it was coming well in advance and has signed young, attacking players who will inject pace and urgency into his team. Arsenal’s first choice midfield of Wilshire, Arteta, Santi, Podolski & Walcott is full of pace and penetration. It’s arguably still better than the midfields of Utd, Liverpool & Spurs (now Modric has gone). The problem with Arsenal though has never been looking good on paper or playing pretty football, it’s been about killing teams off, not conceding silly goals and winning when the chips are down. To their credit, the second of these points appears to have been arrested of late; thanks almost entirely to Thomas Vermaelen being fit. But on Saturday against a stubborn Sunderland team, Arsenal dominated possession for long periods but lacked a killer instinct. An instinct that even with Van Persie they have pretty much lacked since Henry left. Arsenal were a one man show last time around and Wenger needs his team to come together and work together this year if they are going to finish top 4 again. If they do, you suspect Arsene will continue to rumble on with his merry band of entertainers for another few years yet. If they don’t, it’s probably time to pack up tools and call the experiment a failure. On the plus side unlike most research facilities, they’ve actually made money…

Five Things We Learnt From The Olympics.

1. Glory won over Greed.
Before the Olympics, the talk in the British press wasn’t so much of athletic glory, but of poor organisation, unnecessary cost and some of the most shameless corporate greed you were likely to find. The ridiculous rules about brands and where or where you couldn’t eat fries; were topped only by the story and subsequent campaign about the tax breaks given to some of the biggest companies in the world whilst our country sat knee dip in a recession. All this negativity, most of it fully justified, disappeared into a wave of national euphoria as over two weeks the United Kingdom finally learned how to live up to its name. Even the corporate bullshit was turned into a positive. Visa saw a record number of cancellations in a two week period, victims not benefactors of the ridiculous rule that no other form of card payment was allowed in the venues. Meanwhile did anyone waste more money than Adidas? Allegedly the official sponsors of the games, the company saw almost every major winner be backed by Nike, not least the mercurial Usain Bolt. Ultimately though, nowhere saw more benefit than London itself. The hangover may well be large, but as people 20 deep lined the streets for the entire Marathon on Sunday, there was a genuine sense that this famous city had been brought together by an event that could so easily have torn it wide open. The organisers didn’t get everything right, but they were given a huge, huge helping hand by the athletes themselves. Showing just what is possible with a committed, genuine investment in sport development, coupled with up to 80,000 screaming home fans cheering your every move, the real story of these games wasn’t McDonalds… or London… or Boris fucking Johnson… it was Team GB. Each and every one of them.

2. It was a triumph for diversity.
Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony was derided in some quarters for portraying an “idyllic,mulit-cultural Britain” where Mixed Race families played together in mutual harmony with White, Black & Asian children. Looking back, Boyle may not have been saying what was actually true, but what was potentially possible. Our list of winners had roots in Somalia, Jamaica, Africa, Australia & Europe – they came from state school, private schools and even home schools. Some had been trained for two decades, others just four years. Women from working class backgrounds won medals, men from billionaire families won medals. In the end it didn’t matter, because the country was proud to call each and every one of them British. People needed some hero’s to get behind and over the past 17 days we have found them in spades. The whole thing needed a catalyst, and that moment was probably the first Saturday, dubbed “super Saturday” – it was Britain’s most successful Olympic 24 hours in over a century. Things had just started to take off anyway, but this was the moment when the whole country suddenly stood up and took notice. Few athletes possess the ability to pull people together in the way that Jessica Ennis did. Here was the face of the games, a pretty, mixed race girl from Yorkshire who only got into athletics when her parents wanted her out of the house for a while. An almost impossibly likeable person, Ennis possesses that rare ability to unite huge swaths of people from different backgrounds. She was a triumph for the working classes… a triumph for hard work and perseverance… a triumph for ethnic diversity… a triumph for the north… and took on the whole world in the hardest individual athletic event for a woman and absolutely wiped the floor with the lot of them. That by the end of the Games her historic achievement was merely a footnote compared to the almost by the day “greatest ever Olympian” debates, merely proved to highlight how far things had come in the 8 days since she crossed the line to tears in a stadium, nay to a country, that had told her she was their girl.

3. Commentators & Presenters are still rubbish.
It was a good thing that so much excitement was going on in the arenas, because in the BBC studios the “analysis” and commentary continued to do its upmost to drive us all into a murderous rage. Following on from Trevor Nelson’s inexplicably inane attempts to describe the opening ceremony, the likes of Colin Jackson, Gabby Logan, John McEnroe, Jonathan Edwards and John Inverdale all helped devalue the achievements of legends by either talking total shit, or just being really rude. Inverdale was possibly the worst offender, refusing to let drop his belief that sprinters were only successful because they were black and then continuing to pepper a beleaguered Michael Johnson with a series of totally stupid questions about things he clearly couldn’t care less about. Mark Cavendish fared better in the Velodrome, even if he couldn’t quite drop the look of quiet resentment from his face that his own shot at glory had ended in failure. In the gymnastic & diving arena the commentary ranged from excited… to strangely absent… to maddeningly refusing to shut up depending on who was competing. Possibly the worst offenders though were during the Team GB football matches as the usual suspects regularly failed to differentiate which players were Welsh & English and continued to share some sort of strange notion that we could actually win…

4. It’s still great to laugh at others.
It’s not often Britain gets to be great at something, so to sit proudly in the third position in the medal table enabled us not only to fist pump the air on copious occasions, but also to roll around laughing as other, supposedly better countries failed to win as many medals. Yorkshire alone finished the Olympics in a barely believable 13^th position. Above the likes of Holland, Ukraine, New Zealand, Brazil & Spain. In the rivers the Great British team trounced the Aussies who came, saw and spectacularly failed to conquer. In the Velodrome, Hoy, Pendleton, Trott & Co destroyed the entire field, but especially the French who feebly whined that bikes made from wheels in their own country must have been illegal. But perhaps special mention has to be made for Russia who won a staggering 82 medals and still managed to consider the games a failure. Tears and protests abounded as they won “mere silvers” in unintentionally hilarious scenes. Of course, being British, we also really like to laugh at ourselves. And so as “Super Saturday” came to a close with six gold medals under our belt, there was still time to switch over and laugh whole heartedly as Team GB crashed out of the football on penalties. It shouldn’t be an Olympic sport anyway. But then if we’re being picky, neither should dressage…

5. Sports Personality of the Year will never have so much action.
Jess Ennis must have thought she were a shoe in… as she jogged around the stadium with a Union Jack around her body, nobody could have predicted that by the end of the games she would not only have so, so many contenders for the coveted British award, but that she wouldn’t even be favourite anymore. The cyclist all deserve the plaudits, Hoy was superb, a six time Olympic gold medallist and an incredibly nice bloke to boot. Wiggo won another gold, following on from his brilliant Tour de France victory. And what of Victoria Pendleton? Only a farcical penalty and a harsh disqualification stopped her winning a ridiculous three gold medals. All the cyclists were amazing, but she was SO much faster than her competition it was unreal. Elsewhere the British rowers once again took centre stage and few would deny Jess Grainger the award following her lifelong battle for Olympic gold. Tom Daley’s bronze deserves a mention, a reward for a mesmeric final performance following the sort of storyline normally reserved for Hollywood films. Gemma Gibbons was perhaps the first athlete to bring many people to tears after her brilliant Judo silver and each and every one of our boxing medallists covered themselves in nothing but glory. Meanwhile, an enormous shout out has to go to Ben Ainslie, a complete legend who has won 4 Gold Medals in 4 consecutive games in a sport almost nobody understands but him. But when all the dust had settled, my vote will probably have to go to Mo Farah. To win the 10,000 meters (never before achieved by a British athlete) was something truly special, to win that AND the 5,000 meters was something else. In just an incredible demonstration of distance running, Farah won both races with spot on tactics and final laps of solid gold. He will go down in history as one of the greatest athletes ever, and I was proud to witness him win both events. 

As a final point, I realise I haven’t even mentioned Usain Bolt. Given he is now without dispute the fastest man that has ever lived, I would personally like to see him retire from racing against humans in a way not dissimilar to how Schwarzenegger stopped fighting earth bound creatures during his mid-80’s heyday. What a wonder if would be if he stepped forward and said:

“for my next trick I will race against a Dingo, a Rhino, an Antelope and a Hare… one day I hope to take on the Cheetah. I’m coming for you Cheetah. I’m warning you. I’ll be back.”

Now that’s the Olympic spirit…

Five Things We've Learnt From The Euro 2012 Knockouts.

1. The tournament peaked early…
After the glut of goals and classics of the group stages it was strange to see just two decent matches in the knockouts, both of which involved Germany. Indeed, before Super Mario stepped up yesterday we had not seen a goal in almost five hours of football. Of course, any run of games involving England does carry that threat, but it was still both a surprise and a shame to see the tournament peak so early. Even more of a shame that only a penalty shootout denied us from a Portugal v Italy final. That would have been an impossible to call match and would have featured, in Pirlo and Joao Mountinho, the two best midfielders the tournament has had to offer. As it is, not to labour this point, we are left with Spain continuing to tiki-taka the crowd to sleep whilst we sit and hope Mario can do something special again. Spain aren’t some evil empire like Chelsea and I certainly don’t believe that it is “good for football” if they don’t win. On the contrary, they are the benchmark all other teams continue to come up short against. Spain have lost just one competitive match since 2006, have conceded not a single knockout tournament goal since 2006 and average 63% possession in tournament matches since 2006. They are the midfield team to beat. And I don’t expect Italy to get close to beating them on Sunday. Indeed, the really scary statistic to consider is that so far Spain haven’t even played their best football. Xavi & Silva look tired, Iniesta guilty of trying too hard and Alonso and Busquets continue to play essentially the same role. Spain’s best player so far has been Jordi Alba. Which is why it took Barcelona about 5 minutes to buy him as soon as this became clear. The bastards…

2. Rooney could do a lot worse than look at Balotelli.
As England limped out of the tournament like a dying animal being slowly put to sleep, one man awoke Monday morning to receive the most flak. Not Ashley Young, not Ashley Cole, not the manager and certainly not England’s Brave John Terry. Wayne Rooney was held accountable by the same press who had lauded him as a saviour two games previously. The same press it has to be said, who if they had done even the most cursory of research, would have discovered that Wazza last played well for his country when he was a teenager. Sure he has given the odd good performance in qualifying since then, but never to the levels of intensity and energy that he performs with week in week out for Manchester Utd. Contrast that to the efforts of Mario Balotelli last night. Balotelli has often made Rooney look like a saint by comparison over the past 2 years; he has sulked, cheated and moaned his way through a good 70% of his matches showing only occasional glimpses of his obvious ability. Last night though he showed us all one thing, that he cared about playing for his country. I don’t ask for miracles, I don’t ask for Rooney to be the best player on the pitch every time he pulls on the shirt… but I do ask to make it look like it matters to him to play for his country. It is time that England don’t pick 10 players plus Wayne Rooney. It is time they pick 11 players based on form, effort and ability. For his country at least, England’s white Pele is continuing to make that nickname one of the greatest insults of our time.

3. Pirlo conducts but the orchestra still has to perform.
The way some people have gone on about Pirlo this tournament you’d think Italy were a one man team. This is a player who, according to Ray Wilkins, “has vision so good it would make the Cyclops jealous” (just think about that for a moment Ray… please… for me). However, Italy have been anything but a one man team so far. The strikers have impressed in their endeavour and talent and Buffon remains as good as anyone in the business. In front of him Italy have selected a different defensive combination in 4 of the 5 games and not conceded a goal from open play in the three that have truly mattered. Their squad has strength, depth and skill, but the main credit has to go to the midfield. The reason that Pirlo has been given such time and space on the ball isn’t just that Roy Hodgson decided not to bother, it’s because the three players around him in Marchisio, De Rossi and Montolivo have guarded him like a quarterback with their tackling, running and movement. The latter of these looks a real player. Montolivo has been pretty much a one club man since joining Fiorentina as a 20 year old 7 years ago. He has been crucial to Italy’s last two victories by dropping into the spaces and feeding the ball back into Pirlo or into the flanks for the strikers to run onto and create more space. Win or lose on Sunday, few would now deny that Prandelli has been the manager of the tournament. He has adjusted his tactics accordingly and successfully with every match Italy have played. If he really can do it one more time against the team of the past 5 years, he will deserve even higher accolades than I can bestow on him.

4. Where does punditry and commentary go next?
This has been a watershed moment for domestic television football coverage. For the first time in history, ITV have delivered better coverage and analysis than the BBC. The reason for that is very simple… they have bothered to try. The network has gained plaudits for its selection of Martinez and Carragher alongside the usual duo of Southgate and Keane and rightly so. The former is intelligent, likeable and has at least twice pointed something out to me that I didn’t already know simply by looking up the result. Carragher on the other hand, has been enjoyable, refreshing and candid. Although his claim, along with many others (not least Pat Nevin) that Italy were “very average” now looks a touch absurd. The BBC on the other hand has continued to follow their tried and tested formula of three grumpy men and a Walkers crisp advertising board. In short, it’s just not working Auntie. The real pain though hasn’t come in the analysis, which you can at least fast forward if you’re forever watching the game on pause like me, but in the commentary box. TV commentary has always treaded a thin line between English pride and xenophobia and this tournament has seen the balance tip completely in favour of the latter. Right from the moment Clive Tyldesley introduced England v France with the words “Agincout, Waterlook, Donetsk” you knew things were not going to change anytime soon. Since then we have been treated with some of the most offensively biased, terrible and simply inaccurate commentary I’ve ever heard. ITV have one terrible commentator, the BBC have at least four. It is their job, for starters, to learn about the players who are taking part. Not just how to pronounce their names, but who they play for and what they do. Martin Keown said three times on Wednesday “I’ve not even heard of his player.” In short, it’s your job to hear of them and at least assimilate some sort of basic knowledge as to how they’ve played. In the same game Keown derired Hugo Almedia for opting to shoot when on the edge of the box and unmarked. “He’s just got to give that to Ronaldo every time, he doesn’t have the technical ability to shoot.” You what Martin? This is a player who has scored 80 times in the past 5 years. A Portuguese league winner and German cup winner? And Martin fucking Keown is telling him he should never be allowed to shoot at goal? The final nail, as ever, comes with the pathetic biased to anyone who has ever played in the Premier League. And not just that, but the questions asked about anyone who doesn’t. Only Barca and Real players are spared this dubious honour. Countless others are spoken of in “he’s got great ability, I don’t know why he’s not in the Premier league” terms. Here’s a thought, instead of comparing everyone else to our wonderfully entertaining but technically deficient league, why doesn’t a commentator say the opposite for a change? How refreshing it would be if watching Italy v Germany anyone had said “wouldn’t it be nice if some English players went over and competed in these leagues?” Maybe, just maybe, an Englishmen would then learn how to pass the fucking football.

5. Never, ever, ever, ever – trust your mates to beat a woman at fantasy football.
That is all.