Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Two

Week Two

This weeks blog comes off the back of 7 successive 5:30am starts. And as such, may well make very little sense.

Friday night lights sparkle, if not shine.
This weekend’s football kicked off at the all new time of 8pm on a Friday, and it was only fitting that Sky covered the fixture with their usual care and consideration by picking a match that saw many Southampton fans getting back to their city by 9am the next morning. Not Watford or Chelsea then? Two teams from the same city. Or Spurs or Palace? No, we’ll have United please, who gives a toss who they’re playing, that’s not our concern, we’ll get their lovely stadium and heavy corporate sponsorship all over our screens. Wankers.

As it was, the match was a fitting reminder of the new Premier League era of the megastar. Finally an English club were able to show off a player who could be considered amongst the world’s best, and had not just moved to Spain in their prime. Let’s gloss over that this player cost Manchester United £90m when they let him go for nothing four years ago. 

Pogba drifted in and out of the first 45 before applying some genuine sparkle on the occasion in a dominant second half display. United have flattered to deceive ever since Ferguson left, fluctuating between a fallen giant, a laughing stock and a live action snoozefest. This time though, with Jose, Zlatan and Pogba in tow - it seems like the hype may actually be real. The season may only be two games old, but it’s already tempting to suggest anybody who finishes above a Manchester club is going to win it.

None of which makes Friday night football a good idea.

Burnley give Liverpool a lesson in finishing

A two nil home victory is the sort of result that looks routine on paper, but there was nothing routine about this preposterously one sided match. After putting four past Arsenal last week Liverpool rocked up brimming in confidence, with a returning Daniel Sturridge and proceeded to achieve a staggering 81% possession and twenty plus attempts. They could not get past Tom Heaton though, and in truth rarely got beyond the Burnley back four who defended deep and with no small degree of skill, reducing their opponents to shots from distance. Liverpool’s problem this season is going to be much the same as last - when they fail to break down opposition defences they lack either the stand out player to steal a 1-0 from somewhere, or the actual defence themselves to at least hold out for a 0-0 and go again. Liverpool pretty much always concede, and regardless of how many goals they will score this season (and don’t let this match convince you it won’t be plenty) they simply are not going to challenge for the main honours if Klopp cannot teach his defenders how to do their jobs better. He could start by reinstating Emre Can to the first eleven as well. Jordan Henderson is not a defensive screening midfielder and never will be Jurgen. He’s also... you know... not as good.

Sunderland - new manager, same old shit
Sunderland have not won a football match in August in six years. You’ve got to admire that. Are they making a lengthy protest about the season kicking off so early? Do they just like to give their fans something to worry about early before turning up in the New Year and coasting to safety yet again? Whatever the reason, their first half performance here smacked of a team not back from the summer holidays and suddenly realising half way through they were involved in a real football match. And a local derby at that. Sunderland did rally in the second half but the damage was already done and they couldn’t come away with the points. Middlesborough meanwhile followed up their unfortunate opening weekend draw with a terrific win courtesy of two expertly taken goals. Sunderland fans at least had the amusement of Newcastle to warm their hearts last season. All that warmth will quickly evaporate though, if they watch Middlesborough leap to the top of the North East tree.

North London - six points that you’d need six pints to enjoy
Both Spurs and West Ham got their seasons going this weekend with late 1-0 wins over stubborn opposition. For Spurs, the “Dembele” effect continued with another stuttering performance rescued by the energy of Alli and Wanyama’s home debut finish. Spurs aren’t going to get it their own way as often this season and if their young and talented squad don’t want their Champions League career to be a fleeting one, they need to play better at home and put teams as impotent as Palace to the sword.

Over in the We Won the World Cup City of London Stadium, West Ham shocked the world by announcing before kick off that the 11 year unblemished injury run of Andy Carroll was over, and that he was out for six weeks. On the pitch, almost nothing of note happened until a frantic final ten minutes when both teams realised that if they tried to score, they might win. Antonio did just that, with another header for what surely must be the best out and out winger to be inexplicably converted to a full back. What is that about Slaven? I can see the logic in converting wingers to full backs at the latter end of their careers (Valencia, Brunt, Milner apparently) - but Antonio is in his prime, isn’t especially great at defending and is one of the best players in the league for coming in at the back post. He’s strong, quick and superb in the air. Just play him on the wing Slaven and see what happens.

What’s that? He did play on the wing here? Oh... well... er... I told you so... 

Swansea might need bodies
Swansea have an excellent manager, some brilliant fans and a very loyal bunch of journeymen who continue to lose 1 or 2 top assets a season. Having this time lost their captain though, Swansea look like a team who need reinforcements in key areas, not least centre back and the number 10 role, where it’s essentially Siggy or bust for them. Yes they have bought a not at all random mixture of promise, potential and experience in Fer, Baston and Llorente. But they are still playing Wayne Routledge. That needs to stop. Now.

Seriously what has happened to Montero? The guy can’t buy a start now. He tore teams apart this time last year?

I mean, just imagine going home to your family and telling them that Wayne Routledge is keeping you out of the team. You genuinely couldn’t contest a divorce settlement.

Team of the Weak - sponsored by Pete’s Puns.

Given nothing

Inclyned to say nowt
Evans above
Love forty down
An easy Targett
You’d be Shawcross at that
We Watmore
Not very Mutch
Don’t fall off the Routledge
Alexiless
Not the Rondon

Howard Wilson
 
Goodnight. I can’t stress that enough.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week One

It was a typically unpredictable smörgåsbord of an opening weekend, with bookies favourties to go down and 5000/1 outsiders to win the league Hull City sticking it to the reigning champions. Now, I’m not saying lightning is going to strike twice... but I am absolutely and categorically saying that lightning is NOT going to strike twice.

Klopp outfoxes Wenger
A 4-3 rip snorter at the Emirates flattered Arsenal somewhat; who largely gave the sort of performance one has come to expect from the last ten years of Wenger. Had Liverpool had a different keeper and a homeless guy off the street at left back, the scoreline would probably have been worse for Arsene and his merry band of hapless assassins. But enough about Arsenal, dear god the time and print I’ve wasted on saying the same thing over and over again these past few years. Buy a striker. Learn how to defend a counter attack. Get some backbone. Seriously... we’re all sick of it and every year we pray they finally finish out of the top four, sack Wenger and move the hell on with their life.

So let’s turn to Liverpool instead, far and away the most entertaining side in the league since Klopp took over. A team that can win or lose 5 nil at any given moment. A team that can spend millions assembling the most nimble footed, jinking little minxes of attacking midfielders... and continue to play Alberto Moreno at left back. Lots of people play 4-2-3-1 these days, its the de facto formation of choice in the Premier League and indeed on the international stage. But within that formation, there is nobody in football who does the “3” better than Jurgen Klopp. One look at Liverpool’s transfers this summer suggest that Klopp doesn’t really care about any other aspect of his team... he just wants to stare longingly at Coutinho and co pressing, harassing, passing, moving, giving and, when it works, scoring with reckless abandon. He is helped in this desire by the willingness of Roberto Firmino to play as the falsest of false 9’s. Firmino is a lesson to every would be attacker out there how to find space. He craves it, he covets it. He is literally always in space, ghosting around like a martian in and out of defenders eye lines. He finds it, he makes it, he creates it for his team mates. He was born in space. He is perpetually in space. He has spent more time in space than Mark Watney. It is because of this that Klopp’s system works so well going forward and in twenty brutal minutes at the start of the second half Liverpool scored three and could have scored three more. 

Liverpool don’t defend well enough to win titles, but if you want to watch one team this year and be riotously entertained each time... you could do a lot worse. 

Zlatan will write his own headlines

3-1 winners at Bournemouth, Manchester United kicked off the season in winnings ways with a performance that suggested the days of scratching around in the Europa places may finally be at an end. Jose buys end product, nothing more, rarely less. And nobody is more end product than Zlatan. He is not going to tear through defences with the abandon of youth, but with Martial to do that for him, he is instead going to put himself around, get in the right positions, and score the goals that this side has lacked since Wayne Rooney collected his pension early. Even Rooney actually got in on the act, quelling the inevitable talk that a near 76 year old strike partnership is not going to cut it over 38 grueling games. There will be harder tasks for United ahead, but with Pogba waiting in the wings and the likes of Mkhi and Rashford barely used, it’s enough for their fans to know that they at least have a chance of not having 80% possession and zero shots in a match each time they step on the pitch. As for Zlatan, it’s just nice to see him enjoying himself.

The promoted clubs will need to find that killer touch
Hull may have got off to winning ways this weekend, but you feel that will need more up top than Diomande if they are to remain in the league come next May. Middlesbrough meanwhile, started well with a fine goal from new signing Alvaro Negredo, but then proceeded to miss a string of decent chances in a match they largely dominated before being pulled back by a Shaqiri free kick. Burnley could’t even manage a point, as they were defeated at home to Swansea and looked like they could have played all day and not scored. Goals keep you in the division people. It’s a hard currency and if you don’t have a striker who can score you 10-15 at crucial times it’s very hard work. All three of these sides will have to find that magic formula if they are to stay around for longer than just the one season.

Chelsea aren’t going to win the league
The aura of positivity around Stamford Bridge at the moment is a curious one. After all, Chelsea have done little in the summer other than retain their key players; which smacks of the sort of summer Arsenal fans used to dream of rather than anything especially progressive. Yes they’ve signed a promising young striker to replace... the promising young striker they sold a couple of years ago. And yes they have Kante, who effectively plays two positions. But their problem last season were terrible defensive errors and a lack of discipline. Discipline that isn’t going to be helped by the retention of Diego Costa and the new rule of yellow cards for arguing with the referee. And what of that defence? Has the Italian national manager really come in, taken a look and declared himself happy with a first choice back line containing three players in visible decline? Chelsea of course are not without hope, a midfield of Matic and Kante is not going to get broken down easily and with the mercurial Hazard seemingly back on song, Chelsea should certainly improve on last season’s utterly woeful title defence. But winners? No. They need a pretty spectacular close to the transfer window to achieve that.

Will the transfer window please start shutting before the season
How can Bolasie play for Palace, step off the pitch and head straight to Everton for a medical ready to join them? How can Manchester United bid for Jose Fonte before they are just due to play them? The Transfer window was surely invented to stop this sort of madness from happening and limit the disruption to teams during the actual season? Mahrez may well have scored a penalty on Saturday, but he has played back to back games visibly under the weight of heavy transfer speculation and he is not alone. Yes it is inevitable that certain players will be coveted by bigger teams (although these days it often seems the case that clubs merely swap like for like in increasingly stranger ways) - but can we please just limit that to the week before the season starts and let clubs prepare properly with a squad they know is actually going to be there for six months?

Not kicking off the season before the kids have even gone on the school bloody holidays yet would help matters as well...

Team of the Weak

Mignolet - a keeper who just has no middle ground between absolute wonder saves and stone wall howlers. The former rendered faintly pointless by the propensity of the second.
Moreno - just an appalling defender.

Chambers - a signing that is starting to resemble Bebe esque levels of bizarreness. Not only is Chambers a very average defender, he is inexplicably slow.
Monreal - had an excellent season last time around but was cruelly exposed by the pace and movement of the Liverpool front four.
Francis - never got to grips with the United front line and looked out of his depth. Eddie Howe is a loyal and loveable manager, but simply needs better defenders if Bournemouth are going to survive again.

Morgan - not a return to league action to remember for the man who lifted the title a few months ago. Looked off the pace and error prone.
Zaha - created nothing, did nothing, got booked.

Alli - started slowly and grew into the game too late to make any real impact - needs to find his level again after a disappointing end to last season and the car crash of the Euro’s.

Mahrez - scoring a penalty does not a good game make, whatever fantasy football might think. A shadow of the man who tore into defenders last season.

Lennon - rubbish.
Gray - is going to have to step up and step up fast if Burnley are going to stay in this division. If the gap between pre-season and that Swansea team is this, you would worry about playing Liver... no okay, my bad, let’s give him another week. 

Wickham - continues to lead the Palace line despite a record of one goal in about eleven. And indeed, I’ll leave you with the words of his manager after the match.

“I think any striker who becomes available is of interest to us”

Any striker. ANY striker? Christ. Don’t tell Wenger. Who knows what he might do.

Goodnight.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Pre-Season Ramble

With the new Premier League Season almost upon us, and the Championship already up and running (welcome Newcastle fans) - it is time for the Monkey to turn his withering eye to the state of the teams ready to do battle in what promises to be the most open title race in... well ever.

After Leicester showed the world that literally anyone can now win this league, making any predictions for the new season come with the almost obligatory caveat of “or... you know... maybe not.”

This season, over half the teams involved are either welcoming new managers, or managers who have yet to manage in the Premier League. If that sounds like a tongue twister - go and ask the average person on the street who now manages Swansea, Sunderland, Everton, Watford and Hull. And see how many get it correct. 

There is a flipside to the current managerial merry go round though. For the first time in history, the Premier League has the greatest selection of top flight managers in the game competing for the holy grail of a lost King in a carpark. Pep, Jose, Klopp, Wenger, Poch, Conte - never before have the top six elect had such big names at the helm. Arguably only Carlo and Simone are missing from the big names of managerial juggernaughts.

Just think for a moment that one of those managers has to finish at least 6th. And that’s even before you factor in Leicester or West Ham. A team who’s move to the Olympic Stadium had clearly gone to their head as they slapped down a comical £40m bid for James Rodriguez.

So who is going to win it and who is going to go down? The Monkey will lay bare his full and complete table at the end of this summary. I urge nobody to place bets on this and come knocking on my door. Remember... it might not happen.

The Main Contenders

Welcome to Manchester Pep & Jose... and welcome to several new signings. Both managers have gone about their pre-season work in the manner you would expect of their reputations. Pep by adding 17 new midfielders to his squad, telling his current central midfielders they will now be considered centre backs and putting an arm around Raheem Sterling and telling him he will be playing lots of lots of meaningless cup games this season. 

Jose on the other hand, has looked at his current squad and highlighted the obvious weakness in it. Centre back, centre mid, a creator and a goal scorer. He has filled those positions with a proven warrior, the best pure midfielder in the world, the best conductor in the German league last season and the world’s 3rd best striker after Messi and Ronaldo.

Or if you prefer, with a barely proven centre back, the most overpriced player in the history of the game, a lightweight European from a club who’s players consistently fail in the Premier League and a striker who is so old he can get to the ground with a free bus pass.

Beyond the Manchester duo lies Wenger and his glorious one signing that nobody has heard of yet still cost £35m. It’s ok though Arsenal fans... this is the year when the Ox and Theo are finally going to come good. And Jack Wilshire is going to stay fi... ah who am I kidding I can’t even type this shit. Spurs look good right though? I mean they haven’t really signed anyone either bar a very good back up striker so Harry Kane is allowed a day off every now and again. Oh and Wanyama. Who is in no way shape of form a better player than Dier or Dembele. But never mind that. They have Toby and Eriksen and Lamela still. Who might one day be the best player in the world. I think. Someone told me once. I’ve forgotten now.

And what about Liverpool? Surely there is no better recipe for success than buying players who got relegated last season? Taking a midfield of talented, sprightly players who lacked any sort of consistency and adding... what’s that... three more of those exact type of players? Oh. Still, they just beat Barca 4-0 a few hours after Messi had put all his tax payment on black... so you know, it’s probably their year.

And finally there’s Chelsea. Who are bidding £70m for a player they let go a few years ago. What’s going on? You wouldn’t catch Manchester United doing that. Silly Chelsea. And you still have John Terry has your first choice centre back. Really? You’re sticking with that? Okay then... good luck to you. At least Hazard looks like he cares again, which should mean they are more entertaining to watch if nothing else. I Kante get enough of them this season. Honest.

The Chasing Pack

It seems ridiculous to put the Champions of England in the chasing pack... but that is what they are. For Leicester to win one title was the stuff of fairy tales, if they won another I think every bookie in the world would pack up and start betting on politics instead. No wait that’s not gonna work either... Where was I? Oh yes Leicester. What a team, what a manager. A manager who has seemingly gone with the tactic of hoping everybody forgot how to play against his team from last season by buying lots of really young, promising and quick as lightening attackers so they can, here’s a tip everyone, SIT BACK AND KILL YOU ON THE COUNTER. Personally I hope they do it all over again. For Danny Drinkwater if nothing else. England’s best player in the Euros.

Who else could possible get in the top four I hear you ask? Well what about West Ham? They still have Payet, who is a player who everybody now wants to make love to. And they’ve just splashed out £20 on Ayew, he’ll being something. Goals, gold, something. And if that doesn’t work they have Mark Noble, capped 100 times by England and having recently written an autobiography entitled “why I was better than Gerrard & Lamps.. or at least Joey Barton for fucks sake.”

Behind them we have Saints and Everton - one of them managed by Ronald Koeman and both filled with enough talent that if they can retain it and kick on anything is possible. And then there is Stoke. Who will finish mid table. Absolute mid table. I can’t stress that enough.

The Relegation Scrappers

Hull are relegated. Let’s not dwell on that point any further. They have no manager, 12 fit senior players and play their football in Hull. Thanks for coming. Of the other new boys, Middlesborough look the slightly better equipped owing to a very sold defence, some proven attackers and the wondrous talent of Fischer on the wing. Watch this space, he is going to light up this league at least once every six games. Burnley though do have Andre Gray up front, who scored 23 goals in the Championship last season and 9 completely meaningless goals in pre-season to date. 

Who else then? Watford? Certainly if those front two don’t get started they’re in trouble and they have an opening set of fixtures that must have their fans watching from behind the sofa’s until October. Swansea have just sold Ayew and bought... I’m sorry... they’ve just bought Fernando Llorente? THE Fernando Llorente who everybody wanted to buy? Oh wait that was five years ago. He’s 31 now and scored 16 goals in his last 81 matches. Or to put it another way, 78 goals more than Jozy Altidore managed for Sunderland. Remember him? No... I thought not. He plays in Canada now. Canada. I’m not even sure it’s a real country.

I think that’s everyone right? Oh no wait there a few more. Bournemouth and their young, handsome English manager elect Eddie Howe? They have lots of spirit, some great attacking players and have just made Jordan Ibe their record signing! I know right? How exciting is that! Okay I’ll move on, who else? Palace that’s who... let’s not talk about them too much, it will only go to Pardew’s head. 

All of which leaves Tony Pulis and West Brom. And on that bombshell, I bid you farewell and leave you with the official Hindu Monkey predicted final league table for the 2016/17 season.

1. Manchester City
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Chelsea
5. Arsenal
6. Spurs
7. West Ham
8. Leicester
9. Everton
10. Stoke
11. Southampton
12. Crystal Palace
13. West Brom
14. Middlesbrough
15. Sunderland
16. Bournemouth
17. Swansea
18. Watford
19. Burnley
20. Hull

Or you know... maybe not...

Happy Hunting

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey