Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

City find the corners to end Liverpool’s hopes.
An absorbing if low on quality cup final came to an end with the Russian Roulette that is a penalty shootout this evening, and it was the boys in Blue who were left singing all the way back up to the North West. City won thanks to some ruthless, almost laser guided penalties that all found the corners of the luckless Mignolet’s net. Even the one they missed hit the post. Pool on the other hand, showed the usual inconsistency that has blighted their season throughout and were left empty handed, grimacing at the knowledge that their only hope of any glory this season, now lies in getting past that other, smaller club from Manchester in the Europa League. Klopp will ultimately be judged on next season not this one, and Pool can probably consider themselves lucky to be here at all, having actually only won two of their six league cup matches in normal time. City meanwhile can dust themselves off and see two games in a week around the corner (including Pool again) in the Premier League. How will that draining 120 minutes affect their troops? And what side will they put out on Wednesday now they find themselves closer to dropping out of the top four than winning the title? Only time will tell on that front, but for now their fans will simply be happy that another season has already been ticked off with something in the silverware column.

You can’t win anything with kids, but you can still beat Arsenal.
Oh Arsenal. You’re just not going to do it are you? And I mean ever. Or at least as long as Arsene Wenger stays at the helm. All of your main rivals have had their worst seasons in years and you’re still going to finish 3rd of 4th. And to Spurs as well? I mean Leicester hurts everyone (Citation: Delights everyone) but Spurs? Oooh... you can’t finish below them can you? Can you?

Apparently, they probably can. Certainly as long as they remain incapable of rousing themselves against a Manchester United side which featured a front three of pre-schoolers, a defence constructed by pre-schoolers and by the end had put so many kids on the pitch that it was beginning to resemble an N-Sync concert (insert band who the kids actually love in 2016).

Say what you want about Van Gaal (and I have) but he has shown a staggering commitment to youth when other managers would have caved and gone out and got reinforcements in January. He has given debuts to 16 academy players since taking over the job and none of them have hit the ground running faster than Marcus Rashford. Four games in two huge games, have propelled Rashford into the stratosphere and have finally given the United faithful something to cheer about again. Where he goes from here is anyone’s guess. Although you imagine Woy already has him on the plane...

Spurs and Leicester fans keep dreaming?
Dare I say it... these were title winning victories this week. Battling hard against a stubborn defence before finally getting a winner at the death? Never giving up and coming from behind to snatch victory? What a season it has been for these two clubs. Sensationally managed with a team spirit that cuts through each and every player. If there is one thing this season has taught us, is that it doesn’t matter how much money or sponsorship you have - if you’ve got a group of talented, well motivated players who are all willing to go out there and work this hard for each other - you can achieve anything. Fairy tales like this were supposed to be dead in English football. Not anymore. 11 games left lads... you probably only need to win 6 of them. Don’t stumble.

Is this the worst relegation fight ever?
Villa have gone, Chelsea have escaped and realistically this is looking increasingly like two of Sunderland, Newcastle and Norwich to go down. The trouble is, none of them want to win matches? When they do, they tend to follow it up with a useless loss. West Ham literally couldn’t have played worse on Saturday, and Sunderland still couldn’t score past them. Norwich played much better, but again got no reward and Newcastle’s prize for a fortnight off is another away match to a revived Stoke team who have embarrassed greater squads than theirs at the Britannia this season. At this point I literally don’t care which two of these teams go down... just as long as it’s over, quickly.

When the game of the day is West Brom, you’re in trouble.
Let’s not beat around the bush, great as was for Leicester to win again, the league action on Saturday was just about as poor as I’ve ever witnessed. Five matches had produced a mere eight goals before Pulis and Pardew served up a five goal thriller of, er... you batter us for one half and then we’ll do the opposite and see who scores more. Every game was blighted with individual errors, strange refereeing decisions and a complete and utter lack of ability. You’re all back again on Tuesday lads. Shape up, and don’t serve up any of that shit again.

Team of the Weak

Mignolet - I don’t even need to say it do I
Ward - Fell over more times than he completed successful crosses or tackles.

Okora - Okawful
Van Aanholt - Awful error for the goal in a match that would have been nil nil until time stood still. Looked like he was going to cry.
Gabriel - Oh Arsene. Oh Arsene, Arsene.
Walcott - Allegedly played 62 minutes of a football match.
Cabaye - Fouled people, pranced around, went off, probably cried.
Khazri - Bad day at the office culminating in that hopeless rabona attempt.

Westwood - Deadwood
Ighalo - Has gone off the boil. I don’t like to see you in here son. Come on, you’re better than this.
Anybody who plays up front for Norwich City - I mean, lads? Come on?

What you may have missed

Cristiano Ronaldo saying this his “team would be in first place if they were all on my level” angrily after a match. Before then retracting it and claiming he only meant “fitness wise.”

Did you mean that though Chris? Did you really...

Happy Fox Hunting.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Fox Hunting continues to be banned

Five points clear at the top of the table with 13 games left to play, Leicester City are not in a bubble that is about to burst, they are the most consistent team in the league and are top by merit. Their extraordinary success despite not caring about possession or passing is a product of both having a plan and regimentally sticking to it; and of the continued arrogance of many of their opponents who refuse to counter their obvious attacking abilities. Leicester City defend like Lions and attack like they’ve just been released from the cage. The way Mahrez skipped past the City defence for his goal was a joy to behold. His mesmeric drop of the shoulder a lesson to any footballer on the planet about how to beat at man running at pace. Mahrez has already scored and assisted the same number of goals that Hazard did on his way to the player of the year award, and he remains locked in a two way tussle with Jamie Vardy for the gong this time around. The top four all play each other this weekend in what is shaping up to be a truly brilliant title race in an otherwise average season. People are still expecting Leicester and Spurs to come unstuck, but if they both get even draws this weekend it will be hard to bet against the most unlikely top two in the modern era. City and Arsenal have the squads and the talent, but as the week’s move on, it’s becoming increasingly clear neither have the mental toughness or the togetherness of this remarkable Leicester City team.

Mark Albrighton and Danny Simpson with a Premier League winner’s medal? It really is time to dare to dream. Come on Foxes! 

(the Hindu Monkey would like to state he remains wholly impartial)

How is Klopp going to sort this mess out?

It’s hard to think of a more inconsistent team in the whole of English football right now than Liverpool. Capable of rampant attacking football and high pressing one minute, and lame insipid probing football the next. This is a team that can look like they could play for ten hours and not concede, and then let the opposition score twice in a minute. Clearly this season is a write off regarding a Champions League return, so the question now turns to how Klopp can turn this rabble into a proper team next season. Well he could start by buying a striker that fits his system, given Sturridge is made of glass and Benteke clearly not trusted. Firmino is a fine player, but a number nine he is not and you have to think that a roving three of Firmino, Coutinho and Lallana (with two of Lucas/Henderson/Milner/Can sitting) would work best behind a highly mobile attacker who stretched defences and created space for them to run in to. Robert Lewandowski for example. To name one player entirely at random who Liverpool will never, ever sign. The main problem though continues to be a back line who seem incapable of going ninety minutes without making at least one absolute howler. Clyne is a shadow of the player we saw for Southampton and seems to be still getting picked owing to lack of alternatives. Lovren and Sakho are both injury prone, even if the latter has the ability to grow into a fine player alongside a more experienced partner. It was perhaps hoped that Martin Skertel could be that partner. But that is clearly nonsense, as he’s rubbish. Although he’s still better than Kolo Toure, who is 34 going on 54 and has the turning circle of a bulldozer. And then there is Alberto Moreno, who blasted Brendan Rodgers for not picking him on his departure, and has then since showed exactly why Rodgers didn’t pick him in every game since. It’s no point being a marauding full back Alberto if a) you can’t finish your breakfast and b) you defend like headless chicken.

I can’t even be bothered to mention Simon Mignolet. Well I can, so consider this. If Simon Mignolet had made no errors this season; and I’m not even talking about saves he perhaps could have made, I’m talking about the 9 (NINE) howlers he has made… Liverpool would be 2^nd.

Oh what’s that? You’ve just given him a 5 year contract? That makes sense. Does he have the same agent as Nani…

Raheem Sterling’s price tag is a disgrace
If there is one thing this season has done, it is highlight more than ever the ridiculously inflated price tags that teams now pay for fashionable players. Nobody has been more guilty of this than Manchester City, who have paid out an astonishing £115m for the trio of Otamendi, Mangala and Sterling. They may all yet improve obviously, although I’m not sure Mangala will, but those price tags have to be called into question when you consider Spurs paid £11m for Toby Alderweireld. But let’s park everything else for a second and consider the £49m they paid for Sterling. For that price tag, given Sterling is not new to the league, you would expect someone to come in, hit the ground running and help propel the most expensively assembled squad in Europe to the title. Well Sterling has hit the ground running… but that is all he’s done. You can run Raheem, but you can’t hide… or in this case, actually contribute to the team by way of goals or creativity. Sterling has 5 goals and 3 assists this season, numbers swelled by a hat trick of taps ins against an injury ravaged Bournemouth. Even considering that anomaly, that is a goal involvement of one every 200 minutes. Which for a 50 million player in a 4-3-3 and the best striker in the league up front is pretty pathetic. Without that hat trick, it’s a goal involvement of one every 313 minutes. Which is as bad as any attacking player in the top ten. Beyond the stats though, Sterling is currently offering nothing to City’s attack. He doesn’t stretch the opposition like he at least did in his first few games and is regularly replaced at half time if things aren’t working. His manager clearly doesn’t trust him, because he’s a bit naff. He’s favoured Jesus Navas above him for much of the last few months, who hasn’t scored in over 80 matches. Sterling may yet prove me wrong, but right now he looks like someone who had one outstanding season because anyone who plays alongside the mercurial Luis Suarez looks about 50% better than they actually are. He might be better than Nathan Dyer… but right now he certainly isn’t better than Mark Albrighton. Over to you Pep…

Can Villa escape?
Just one defeat in five, with three clean sheets and now looking like a formidable force at home again. Villa didn’t even lose to Leicester. They’re just nine points clear of safety. Can they survive? Can they somehow finish above one of Newcastle, Bournemouth and Swansea? 

No, no they can’t. But it’s quite entertaining to see that glimmer of false hope in their fan’s eyes.

Enjoy the Championship lads. You’re going to be in it for a looooong time.

What has happened to Stoke?
Since a magical December where Stoke’s attacking players tore into Manchester City, United and Everton, scoring eight goals in three impressive wins, the Potters seem to have sustained a ridiculously long New Year hangover. They have played six league games since then, winning just once against a free-falling Norwich and have just been beaten three nil by Leciester, Man United and now Everton in succession. Ryan Shawcross is clearly a miss, the Potter’s have the best defensive record in the league when he’s been fit and one of the worst when he hasn’t. But that doesn’t excuse how bad they’ve been up front of late, barely threatening at all against an Everton side who love conceding almost as much as scoring. Hughes remains a curious manager, capable of producing thrilling teams who can compete with the best one minute and then apparently struggling to motivate his sides for long stretches. In a highly competitive and random season, Stoke need to rally to ensure they are not forgotten about and lost in a tiny mid-table bubble occupied by just themselves, Crystal Palace… and a small club called Chelsea.

Team of the Weak

Mignolet – Presumably he thought the game ended at 77 minutes as well?
Moreno – A genuine disgrace of a defender
Bassong – I’m not even sure he is a defender
Muniesa – Not Ryan Shawcross
Demichelis – Rubbish
McClean – 2 goals and 2 assist is rubbish James. Even playing for a Tony Pulis side. Do you even know how to cross a ball?
Arnautovic – Looks to already be thinking about who he’s going to play for next season
Fabregas – An absolute shadow of his former self
Sterling – Here’s a blind alley! Let me run in to it! Please! It’s mine, all mine!!
Giroud – It beggars belief about how Arsenal still haven’t bought a striker who can finish consistently all the chances they create
Anichebe – Jamie Vardy has scored more goals this season than Anichebe has in seven years

What you may have missed
The Superbowl. The main event of a sport so boring that tweets about the half time show outnumbered those about the actual match three to one.

The team that won had 11 first down’s. 11? In what, seven hours?

It’s worse than watching West Brom.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey