Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Chelsea aren’t fit to be called Champions

14th in the table, below Watford & West Brom and closer to the relegation zone than they are any European spot, Chelsea rocked up to Spurs this weekend and proudly parked their bus across the pitch. This is the Spurs side who are arguably Chelsea’s biggest threat to whatever slender chance they still had of 4th place. With many of the clubs nearer the top having already dropped points the day before, everything about this game screamed “must win” to the team in blue. But this, is a Jose Mourinho team. For how much longer, nobody knows... but if the moment Chelsea lost their crown came many weeks ago, this was the moment they urinated all over it. No team who plays without a striker against the team who are 5th deserve respect. No team who set themselves up in this manner against a squad assembled at one eighth the total cost of their own deserve glory. No team who with twenty minutes left in a match they simply HAD to win, and bring on defensive substitutions to close the game out deserve anything but contempt and pity. Jose can argue all he wants about how big a point it was. It wasn’t. It was another two points lost. You are the champions of England and you’re pleased that you played for a point at White Hart Lane? Get the fuck out. You deserve to have your names removed from the Premier League Trophy for last year, and may you never sully its name anytime soon again.

Newcastle need to be put out to pasture
It would be wrong for Steve McClaren to get the sack from Newcastle. Not because he’s not responsible in some way, he’s the manager and has to take responsibility for the fact his players aren’t performing for him. But the general malaise and sense of disinterest from both board and players on Tyneside needs to be addressed before Newcastle plunder into the abyss and never return. Say what you like about Newcastle fans, but they certainly care about their team. This is a passionate set of supporters who are being betrayed by poor higher management, a lack of youth development and foreign imports coming over for an easy pay cheque. Newcastle player’s heads drop faster than an under 11s team upon losing the first goal. They’ve conceded 30 times already, having been battered at least four times. They have Liverpool at home next, the team who just ripped apart Manchester City away from home. If Firmino, Coutinho and Sturridge are fit... dear god it could be a cricket score.

The Hornets continue to buzz
Watford are 11th in the table, half way to the probable safety target with 14 games played. Tipped by many to go down, myself included, Flores and his side have been a welcome addition to the league and are beginning to add attacking flair to defensive nous. Granted, playing Villa is no yard stick to measure anyone on right now (how on earth did City not score against this lot?) - but Watford are doing the basics right and up front have a genuine throwback strike partnership which shimmers with menace. It’s easy to see why Troy Deeney is a cult hero amongst fans. He is a proper street fighter of a footballer who wears his clubs heart on his sleeve and gives everything to the cause each week. He is not short on talent either, indeed Deeney has refined his game over the season to adjust to the rigours of the Premier League. He is a deeply unselfish player and because of his strength often takes several players out of the game to create space for his strike partner Odion Ighalo. The Nigerian was a bit of a journeyman, having played for 7 clubs before his 25th birthday before Watford snapped up his services last year. Since then, he has scored  28 league goals in 48 matches. He is the third highest scorer in the league this year and has been involved in over 90% of all of his sides goals. Jamie Vardy and Leicester have hogged almost every back page going this season, but it’s high time Ighalo was given the coverage he deserves. The kid is class. If the Daily Mail won’t tell you that in amongst the smear mongering, war mongering, classism and racism... then damn it I will.

PS. Also, Flores... I mean, if you had to, I mean HAD to fuck a guy... you would, wouldn’t you...

Vardy smashes through Van Gaals brick wall
It says everything about how negative United are under Van Gaal that the manager publicly admitted to playing three at the back this weekend, SOLELY to contain Vardy. It didn’t work. One chance, one goal. Eleven in a row. How’s that for a kid from Stocksbridge earning £30 a fucking week 5 years ago.

THIS IS WHAT FUCKING PASSION LOOKS LIKE LOUIS. YOUR TEAM ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH SOME!

And breathe. Deep breaths.... and breathe again.

Go Foxes.

John Motson - how much longer do we have to endure this?
Okay. I’ll try and remain calm here. I will try and articulate to you all in a careful and considered manner how it might be wise for a man who can no longer use the English language to commentate on football matches. Motson was doing okay for 84 minutes, sort of. It was a steady game, three goals, quite entertaining. Sure he seemed to have no idea how two of the goals went in, or what the score was at one point, but there was only five minutes left and he was probably thinking of his slippers, a nip of brandy and bed. But then, oh no... three goals in the dying minutes, one in the 8th minute of the 5 allotted to injury time. It all went wrong.

Oh... and... yes... I think that’s... well... a goal!... well would you believe it... stannis baratheon again... well I’ve never seen anything... is it... yes it is... game of the season... well I never... 4-3... no wait 3 all... well what must eddie... yes him... how... well I say... who’d be a manager

Dear Auntie, I know the Tories are paying you to report the news more favourably these days... but I’m pretty sure nobody in Westminster is coughing up for this.

Put. Him. Down.

(this bloggist would like it to be stated for the public record that John Motson is a public treasure, national hero, lovely bloke, general superstar, someone who is not Garth Crookes and a wonderful ambassador for the game)

(but seriously, you’re 70, don’t you have some sci-fi novels to read or something)

Team of the Weak

Newcastle. Each and every one of them. It would be an insult to any player who stepped on a pitch this weekend to be placed above them.

Although Jose can manage them.

What you may have missed
Arsenal and Alexis burning out... gee who saw that one coming; Swansea seriously now having no idea how to win football matches; West Brom and West Hamzzzzzzzzz; Harry Kane getting booked, for caring; Aston Villa trying to defend; Everton trying to defend; Bournemouth trying to defend, Southampton trying to defend; Manchester United mostly showing everyone how to defend and boring the fucking socks off everyone... oh and Britain winning the Davis Cup. 

That is not a typo.

Go Foxes.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Spurs are reaping the rewards for faith in youth.

This summer, Spurs shed the dead weight from their squad and for the first time in the Daniel Levy era, gave full faith to their manager in backing his desire to promote a young, athletic side of future stars and academy players. Spurs first choice front six of Dier, Ali, Lamela, Son, Eriksen and Kane are 21, 19, 23, 23, 23 and 22. They don’t currently have a player anywhere near their squad over the age of 28. The youngest starting eleven in the league’s history (taken over a 10 game period) is currently unbeaten since the opening day and playing the sort of football that Spurs fans thought was long a thing in the past. Most impressively, their manager has added defensive steel to attacking nous and Spurs, for the time being, seem finally shorn of conceding the sort of calamitous goals that have defined their seasons for the past decade. Spurs battered West Ham this weekend, after doing the same and somehow coming away with a draw away to Arsenal last week. The front players interchange with loving symmetry and, in Dier and Ali, they now have steel to sit alongside the flair of Eriksen and Lamela. Dembele has also been a revelation when required, the ex-Fulham player finally having woken up to his ample talent. After a start where City looked like they might run away with it, just four points separate five teams at the top. Spurs are up there entirely on merit, and if they can keep their young guns fit and firing, they should not be intimidated by anyone.

Lukaku is coming of age.
Few players featured more regularly in my team of the weak last season than Lukaku. The Belgian has always been a curious player, looking like Drogba in his pomp one minute, and Heskey in his decline the next. This season, it looks like he has finally come of age and Everton are reaping the awards. It should be remembered, that Lukaku is only just 22. He became only the fifth player in league history this weekend, to score 50 goals before his 23^rd birthday. Given the others are Rooney, Ronaldo, Owen & Fowler… it’s safe to say he is in pretty good company. When he plays like this he is unstoppable, holding the ball up, rising like a salmon and with a fleet of foot unbefitting to a big man. His rise in form has coinciding with an Everton team who now appear rampant in attack given half the chance. They have torn apart the bottom two teams in ruthless fashion and have strength in depth along with a first eleven full of shimmering menace. Everton had a brutal start to the season fixture wise and looking at their next few games – Bournemouth, Palace, Norwich, Leicester, Newcastle, Stoke – their fans should be rewarded with more goals and a potential and genuine challenge for the major European places. Okay, they probably won’t beat Leicester. But the rest…

Leicester have a month to make their claim real.
Top of the league, with the best striker and the most creative midfielder (that little German pixie aside) – the bubble is still refusing to burst for Leicester. It is telling then, that they now enter a period of games where they will be either found out for the plucky, crest of a wave riding mavericks they are; or stand up as genuine title, that’s right, genuine title contenders. Their fixtures between now and January are Man Utd, City and Chelsea at home… and Swansea, Everton and Liverpool away. The league’s best defence roll in to town this weekend and if the Foxes can penetrate a back line that hasn’t conceded from open play in TEN HOURS, let alone roll them over, the gloves really will be off. Nobody wants this Cinderella story to end. Leicester are an absolute breath of fresh air at the top of the tree and the longer they stay there the better. Danny Murphy said Jamie Vardy wasn’t worth £10m this weekend. Which says everything you need to know about the lack of respect that he, and this wonderfully free flowing, positive team are still receiving. Viva La Foxes!

Alexis Sanchez needs a rest. Now.
Since the summer of 2013, 28 months ago, Alexis Sanchez has played, wait for it… 161 games. That figure doesn’t even include friendly or pre-season matches. He has not had any period longer than 2 weeks off at any stage, and, excluding the close season, is averaging a match every 4.5 days. That, quite frankly, is madness. Other players have no doubt done similar, but Sanchez is flying back and forth to Chile every month or so and has a game centred around pace, power and physical strength. He started the season poorly, visibly jaded after his summer excursions with his country. He found full fitness towards the end of September and promptly scored seven goals in four matches. Another international break followed and Sanchez hasn’t scored since. He has been carrying a niggle since that break which worsened before the latest one. Inexplicably, he played 180 minutes for his country, despite barely being able to run, before returning and getting a single days rest and playing another 90 for a tired Arsenal this Saturday. Arsenal may well have a long injury list (when do they ever not) but not resting their star asset is now getting dangerously close to total stupidity. Alexis visibly plays better when fully fit and having had a week’s rest. Arsenal have a virtual dead rubber in the Champions League this week before playing Norwich the week after, a fixture they surely do not need Sanchez to get three points from. The best thing Wenger can do at this stage is give the lad two weeks off in the sun and tell him to come back refreshed, recharged and ready for the busy Christmas. If he doesn’t, both his star player and his title chances are going to burn out like a candle. 

Klopp gets Liverpool pressing to the samba beat.
In a weekend full of impressive performances, the best was reserved for the Etihad Stadium. What was surprising though, is that it wasn’t Manchester City who came up with it. Even allowing for a Vincent Kompany-less City back line, Liverpool turned in a first half performance of incredible pressing, passing and movement that tore apart the league leaders like confetti. This was Klopp’s calling card right here. This was why people went crazy when he was appointed manager. This is what his sides are capable of. Klopp has landed on his feet more than people realise at Liverpool. Rodgers was trying to play this type of football but couldn’t quite the engine going following the loss of Luis Suarez to Barcelona. As such, Liverpool are ready equipped with several players who ideally fit Klopp’s style of play. Very fit, intricate players capable of high pressing, high tempo football. Coutinho, Fimino, Lallana, Milner, Can. The captain Jordan Henderson also fits this mould and his reintroduction into a team playing this well is only going to improve things further. Defensively Pool remain a work in progress, Martin Skertel is by no stretch of the imagination a player good enough to play in a side with delusions of trophies and Klopp could do worse than replace at least three members of his back five with premium quality in January. For now, the reintroduction of Lucas, strangely cast aside by Rodgers for much of his reign, is helping keep things tighter and providing a base for the German’s samba stars to shine higher up. City were awful, but when their own manager says 10 goals wouldn’t have flattered the opposition, they’ve probably done something right.

Team of the Weak:

Adrian – Should really have saved at least two of Spurs goals, although was done few favours by his defence and actually made 8 further stops to keep the score down to a mere four. Still, you can’t win them all son.
Richards – Richards move to Aston Villa this summer has been little short of a disaster. Just two clean sheets and he continues to marshal a defence to morale sapping batterings.
Mangala – One of the single worst performances in Premier League history. Should be made to train with the reserves for a month.
Sagna – Little better, caught in position, terrible passing and beaten too easily time and time again.
Coloccini – Shit. Just shit.
Noble – More interested in starting fights than playing football and let Spurs get under his skin. Not a good day.
Sissoko – One of those games where you wonder if he’s only stepped on the pitch to cash his cheque.
Arteta – Came on for an injured player. Scored an own goal. Left injured.
Toure – Pathetic and lazy performance, dragged at half time, could have come off after 15 minutes.
Sanchez – Give. The. Man. A. Holiday.
Pelle – One of those games for Pelle where is hair was more noticeable than his football. Suspended to boot.

What you may have missed
David De Gea making the save of the season so far at Vicarage Road; Chelsea grinding out the sort of deathly dull 1-0 win that makes everyone want to welcome Jose Mourinho into their warm bosom; John Stones, just going about his day job, being the best centre back on Merseyside and not being at Chelsea; Newcastle not so much imploding, as not bothering to begin with; Stoke keeping their fifth clean sheet in six matches; Gary Monk clinging on to his job despite being tipped for England two months ago; Arsenal having one of those days against Tony Pulis away from home; the majority of Manchester City’s starting eleven utterly absent from the Etihad Stadium and West Ham, Payet-less and guile-less against Tottenham’s handsome youths.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

What we learnt from the Premier League

Leicester deserve their status
Leicester City are third in the table, with the leagues highest scoring striker, highest scoring midfielder and a manager who looks to have put any retirement plans on hold for one final crack of the good life. But rest assured, this is not a fluke, a quirk of form or the fixture sheet. Over the past TWENTY games Leicester have won 13, drawn 5 and lost 2. That’s 44 points. Only Arsenal boast better form and it’s hard to make a case for their run stopping when they continue to show such resilience, team spirit and boast two of the league’s best forwards. Oh how Chelsea must crave the energy and the power of Jamie Vardy, the creativity and the trickery of Riyad Mahrez. This run is too long now to be considered a flash in the pan. Leicester play Newcastle and Watford before welcoming the insipid Manchester United to the King Power Stadium. On the evidence of everything we’ve seen this season, they will be favourites to extend their merciless stranglehold on the Champions League placings and condemn the purveyors of anti-football to the mid table purgatory where they belong.

Kone today, here tomorrow
When Arouna Kone took to the field in the first match of the season, he was booed. He proceeded to score one, make one and continued his form into the next game when his combination play with Lukaku was key to a fine away win against Southampton. He may have milled around the edges a little since then, but Roberto Martinez never lost faith in the player he brought with him from Wigan. Back to full fitness for the first time since a career threatening injury, Kone was absolutely unplayable this Sunday. He battered a woeful Sunderland with the sort of performance that Diego Costa used to be famous for, before he became merely famous for kicking, cheating, diving, punching and generally being an all round cunt. Everton tore into Sunderland like a pack of meat starved Lions. So  disinterested in defending, a scoreline of 10-4 from the second half alone could easily have been possible. Lukaku towered, Deulofeu purred, Barkley caressed and loved the football like it was his own newborn baby... but above them all stood Kone. He deserved this... and after the few weeks Everton have had, frankly so did they.

League title? That’s golden, David
Co-Chairman of West Ham, David Sullivan, announced this week without irony that West Ham were now “seriously thinking about the title.” Whilst their early season form has been largely delightful, such a comment was always likely to bite you in the ass and so it proved as the Hammers failed to break down an increasingly more resilient Watford. With more clean sheets than the bottom five combined, Watford look more than equipped to staying up thanks to sound defensive organisation, and the supreme talents of Odion Ighalo up front. The prolific marksman has carried on where we left off in the Championship and now has seven strikes to his name. He shimmers with menace in the box and his partnership with Troy Deeney has more than a whiff of Owen & Heskey about it. West Ham were largely terrible on Saturday. Playing absolutely everything through Payet is all very well when he’s firing, but when he has an off day you need a plan B. And with Andy Carroll already on the pitch... well... let’s just say that it’s not going out on a limb to be able to say, pretty confidently, that West Ham are not going to win the title this year.

Although they still have a better chance than Chelsea granted.

And Liverpool.

Arsenal have to win the title this year
It feels like we’ve said many times over the past decade, if arsenal don’t win the title this year etc etc etc. But at the risk of history repeating itself... if Arsenal don’t win the title this year, they never, ever will again under Wenger and they need to pack their bags and give up the ghost now. Arsenal are the best team in the land this calendar year; they have a woeful record with injuries granted but a deeper squad that anybody else in the league and they aren’t reliant on just one or two people in the way that Manchester City are. Sanchez is their talisman, but Ozil and Santi are now running this team with increasing guile and class. They have a World Class keeper, finally, and the best right back in the division. They have a manager who has finally got his squad to play the sort of football that he craves. Not consistently no... but consistently enough for Arsenal to win this league. Chelsea are gone, finished, more in need of a rebuild than Pompeii. Liverpool are young and raw, United too pragmatic and coasting on the ghosts of past glories. No, the only credible challengers for the title are Manchester City. Who stumbled and stuttered past the leagues worst defence this weekend thanks to a late penalty. City are a decent team, but they are not a great one. And without Silva and Aguero up front they can look very ordinary when they don’t get going. Arsenal HAVE to win the title this year. For the good of football. For the good of sport. For the good of this country.

Okay not that last part.

Louizzzzzzzzzzz van gaal
I could sit here and dissect the philosophy of Louis Van Gaal. But I won’t, I’m better than that... and so instead, please see my list of ten everyday things that are currently MORE interesting than watching Manchester United try and play football.

1. That moment when you get to the post office just because you need proof of postage for an item you didn’t even mean to fucking order... and there are 85 people ahead of you.
2. Phoning up your insurance company to be greeted by 25 consecutive voice activated commands that cannot possibly pick up your accent.
3. Waiting for porn to load. On dial up. On an Amiga.
4. Listening to Katie Hopkins talk about fat people.
5. Being trapped in a room with Michael Owen as he talks you through EVERY goal he ever scored. And then recites the Bible.
6. Reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
7. Re-watching Lost. Twice.
8. Witnessing a 2 hour single frame marathon between Peter Ebdon and Alan McManus.
9. Enjoying the nuances of a chat between two people who are deciding whether to give up gluten or soya.
10. Being trapped in a bar on the last fucking day on earth with a bunch of people who don’t... fucking... drink.
    

Team of the Weak

Sunderlands defence.

Chelsea’s midfield.

Wayne Rooney.

What you may have missed
Philippe Coutinho scoring two goals when I benched him, Jack Butland being the man of the match when I benched him, Kolarov missing a penalty, West Brom imploding, Aaron Cresswell helping bundle the ball into his own net, Ross Barkley not getting on the scoresheet, or even an assist in a six goal drubbing, Alexis Sanchez taking the afternoon off, Saido Mane wandering around like a drunk, Ayoze Perez missing 28 chances, Diego Costa being a useless, dirty cunt and Anthony Martial being STUCK OUT ON THE LEFT FUCKING WING FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER LOUIS!!!

But seriously, enough about my fantasy football team. Have a good week.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey