Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Weeks 18-19

1. Alex Ferguson will likely die, never having grown up.

Fergie is many things, a wonderful manager who’s passion for the game remains undimmed at the age of 70 for one. But he is a terribly petulant, frequently childish man who proves time and time again that age is no barrier to ever wanting to grow up. Utd were involved in two cracking games this Christmas, plundering 4 points where lesser teams would have achieved none. But at both of these seasonal crackers were two incidents that saw Fergie at his worst. The first was Ashley Williams “clearing” the ball onto the head of Van Persie. Williams knew exactly what he was doing and probably should have been sent off, but the claim from Fergie that it was the “most dangerous thing he’d ever seen on a football pitch” was so over the top you had to pause for several seconds to wonder if he’d really just said it. This is a man who managed Roy Keane. Fergie followed up this insane outburst yesterday by unleashing his hair dryer on the entire officiating staff at home to Newcastle for correctly awarding a goal against his team. Ok, so the real guilty party here is the terrible offside rule, but right or wrong, his reaction was over the top, out of order and pathetic. He should have been sent to the stands and banned for 5 matches. The FA won’t do that, because whilst I don’t believe Utd still get the big decisions anymore (if you compare the statistical evidence over the past few years Utd sit proudly in mid table and last season they were the most wronged team full stop*), there is no doubt that Fergie rules the roost regarding the League Managers Association. Other managers respect him, even fear him. I just wish one of them would tell him to grow the fuck up.

*
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/manchester-united/9258810/Manchester-United-have-cause-for-complaint-as-unique-survey-highlights-Premier-League-errors.html

2. Less Zzzz... more WTF.
And to think I called Villa boring. 12 goals in two matches has changed all that; sadly for Villa fans... they’ve scored none of them. Indeed, when you consider the first half was nil nil against Spurs, Villa have conceded 12 goals in 135 minutes of football. One every dozen or so minutes. Well and truly battered by Rafa’s resurgent Chelsea (play David Luiz in midfield... it’s not so hard is it) - Villa’s reaction on Boxing Day was admirable until they conceded the first goal. Then, like at Stamford Bridge, they completely imploded as Gareth Bale showed no mercy to rain fire on this poor, once great Midlands club. Villa have a very young, inexperienced squad. Barry Bannan, a child with 50 odd Premier League appearances to his name, was their most experienced player at Chelsea. But youth is no excuse for incompetence, and Villa continue to look like a team who are only going one way. Backwards. They’ve won four times this season and three of them have been against teams struggling as badly as they are. At least that (and Benteke) should keep them out of a relegation dog fight, but for their fans... there really is very little light at the end of a tunnel that has now gone past boredom and pulled over at despair.

3. Fulham are in a rut. 
Only Reading and Wigan sit below Fulham in the current form table and having won just once in their last ten games, they somehow managed to turn a win into a draw at home to the leagues worst away side. The Cottagers should have put the game to bed long before Lambert’s late penalty and paid for build up play that too often lacked a final, penetrative ball. Just two shots on target was a poor return and indicative of the way Fulham are currently playing. They look lost without the combined guile of Demeble, Dempsey and the injured Brian Ruiz and the midfield is beginning to look two dimensional. It’s all very well keeping calm and passing Berbatov the ball, but Martin Jol may have to look in January for somebody new to actually do that.

4. Just how good is Asmir Begovic?
Stoke get a lot of bad press, not least from me, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have some very decent players. AVB was not joking when he said Stoke had the best defence in Europe (only three top flight teams across the continent currently do) and at the heart of all great defences usually lies a very good goal keeper. Asmir Begovic has only played 73 Premier League games for Stoke City and has kept 25 clean sheets in that period. Only Petr Cech has kept more over the same time frame and he plays for Chelsea, not little old Stoke. The Bosnian is good in the air, rarely makes errors and is a supreme shot stopper. He is brilliant at double saves, making almost one a match and his late effort to keep out Spurs on Saturday was simply world class. At the age of just 25 and with his best years ahead of him, Begovic is as good as any keeper in the world. If that wasn’t enough, the fucker is top of my fantasy football cash league...

5. The Team of the Season so far is not entirely what one would have expected.
It’s been a strange first half to the season, I’m not sure anyone was predicting QPR to implode quite so quickly and it remains a mystery how Man Utd are 7 points clear at the top of the table after playing so badly for 70 minutes of almost every game. Far from vintage fare, there has been plenty to discuss and the next 19 games promise a titanic battle for 4th, a potential late charge from a well drilled Chelsea and a relegation battle involving um... all of four teams. But for now, here’s my mid-season XI, featuring not a single player from the Champions.

Begovic
Ivanovic Shawcross Bassong Baines
Mata Fellaini Santi Bale
Michu Van Persie

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Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Seventeen

1. Fellaini might be heading for the exit.
Marouane Fellaini was hit with a three match batch yesterday for a cowardly and barely defensible head-butt on Ryan Shawcross. I say barely, because head-butting anybody who fights plays for Stoke is understandable in some capacity. The irony of course, is that having now set himself up to miss the festive period, the Big Belgian, who hardly boasts a brilliant disciplinary record already, could well find himself moving to a new club quicker than before. It was thought by some that Fellaini would see out the season at Everton and then make a move south, probably to Chelsea to join their latest revolution and adding some steel to their currently fast footed but arguably light weight midfield. Now though, open season appears to have been declared by the player’s agent following rumours that Fellaini has told Moyes he wants to leave. Arguably the player of the season so far, Fellaini would command a place at most of Europe’s top clubs, although reinventing himself as a number 10 has meant he would be competing for such a role with the likes of Messi, Ozil, Rooney, Silva and Mata. It will be interesting therefore not only to see where he goes, but where he plays. Indeed, one look at the central midfield of Chelsea, Arsenal and both Manchester clubs presents a great chance for anyone with a passing interest in being a DM to step in and step up. If there is a poorer represented position amongst the top clubs I’m yet to find it. Say the words Michael Carrick, Gareth Barry & John Obi Mikel and then Barcelona, Munich, Real… you just laugh don’t you.

2. Liverpool could do with Christian Benteke.
After a mini revival of late, Liverpool were brought down to earth with a bump this weekend with one of the results of the season so far. Failing to win at Anfield has been common place for a while now, but being soundly beaten by Azzzton Villa ranked as the worst result since Brendan Rodgers took over. Rodgers complained about people being tired afterwards, but has only himself to blame for refusing to rotate and either ostracising or selling 50% of his squad in the summer. Villa meanwhile, despite floundering near the bottom of the table, appear to have pulled off a real coup with the signing of Benteke. The Belgian is young, strong, and fast and seems to be adapting to the league after an initially wasteful start. With 8 goals in 16 appearances, as well as a couple for the national team, he surely won’t be at a club of the ambition of Villa for more than a season or two. Liverpool of course, still being a “big club” will instead spend their hard earned cash on Daniel Sturridge this January. For no reason.

3. Eight years looks like a very long time.
Loyalty is not common in this sport, so Newcastle’s decision to award Alan Pardew with an eight year contract this summer was as much of a statement against that culture as anything else. Talk of him now getting the sack is ludicrously premature, but there’s no escaping the fact that Newcastle are having an appalling season so far. Transfers didn’t happen, injuries have mounted up and on the pitch there has been no fluency or rhythm for too long. One win in eleven speaks for itself and Pardew is running out of ways to claim he saw signs of improvement to take into the next game. Right now Newcastle aren’t taking anything into the next game and without the goals of Demba Ba they’d currently be bottom of the table. As it is, they sit two points above the relegation zone with a horrific Christmas schedule to look forward to. It might be even colder than usual in the Toon this year, and that contract will start to look very long indeed if Newcastle are still struggling come March. Of course, should he get sacked Pardew always has his day job of tending to the armies of Hell to fall back on.

4. Sky need to have a range of names for their Sunday viewing.
I remember watching Sky’s inaugural “Super Sunday” in a pub in Bath sometime around a decade ago. Liverpool played Man Utd, and Arsenal matched up against Chelsea. These were games that actually mattered in what was, at that stage, a four horse race for the title. I can’t remember the results, but the point was it was a “Super Sunday” of top four, top flight football. Since then, Sky have rolled out this “event” to every single time there are two televised games side by side on the Sabbath. In short, the magic isn’t there anymore. It certainly wasn’t there this weekend, as West Brom, West Ham, Spurs and Swansea managed a single goal between them in games that were only notable for Frankie Curran losing £25 and myself making the mystifyingly idiotic decision to have a Spurs player as my fantasy football captain. “Sedentary Sunday” would have been more fitting, but Sky either need to downplay some of the games that aren’t as vital for titles, trophies and relegation or come up with something even bigger to describe matches that… oh shit… that’s what they’re going to do isn’t it? What have I done…  

5. Reading are, for lack of a better word, fucked.
Bottom of the league and having been subjected to a series of heavy defeats, I watched Readings match against Arsenal last night and found myself unable to mount a single credible reason why they could stay in the Premier League. The first 45 minutes was just about the worst I’d witnessed all season and the second half only got better in the sense that they actually began to attack once they’d conceded the 4^th goal. Reading have lost six on the bounce and have shipped a ridiculous 36 goals across a campaign that has shown them to be hopelessly out of their depth. Terrible at the back and lacking in any real guile, the Royals have far too many championship standard players throughout their squad, which should at least make the transition easier come May. In fact I’m willing to state that if they survive I will donate £100 to charity. Sadly for Reading fans, I can’t give them a new defence, new midfield, new strike force… or any Premier League points.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Sixteen

1. Times Up Mario
Mario Balotelli was on thin ice for City last season, his match winning performances were too few and when he was suspended for the run in, City kicked on and eventually won the league. His erratic form and behaviour would be hard to take for a club who had no other decent strikers on their books, but given City have Aguero, Tevez and Dzeko... not to mention bottomless pockets, he needs to be shipped out in January and forgotten about. Balotelli’s selections in the big matches, often at the expense of the successful Aguero/Tevez axis are bordering on the perverse. What on earth had Roberto Mancini seen this season to justify selecting the Italian for the game on Sunday? It’s clear that the two have a bizarre father/son relationship going on, but at the risk of agreeing with Alan Hansen, now really is the time to ship Mario out. Perhaps City are too big for him, with too many accepted stars on their books. Would Balotelli be better at a club where he genuinely was the number one guy? Certainly he has played well for his country since being told he’s the first striker on the teamsheet. How all of City’s strikers must look enviously towards Robin Van Persie, bought by Ferguson in the summer and barring a chronic lack of form or injury, has been told he’ll start every major game. All four of City’s strikers have no idea whether they’ll be playing, or who they’ll be playing with in any given gameweek. Tevez was rewarded for a match winning performance and two goals a month ago, by being dropped for 3 games. Dzeko doesn’t start successive games ever and even Aguero, clearly the guy who should be the RVP for City, has been needlessly rotated when fully fit and raring to go. Mancini needs to do what he did last season and start his best players in every game, more so now they’re out of Europe. I’m sorry Mario, but that means your time is up. The Italian may well still develop into a superb, world class player. But doing that at City seems increasingly less likely.

2. Rooney/RVP is beginning to purr

At the start of the season there was talk of whether or not these two would be able to play together. Talk that was never fully answered by Rooney first getting injured and then coming back and playing in midfield. Recently though, Fergie has gone with the two of them upfront and has sat back and watched them not only win games, but dictate them as well. Both got on the scoresheet again on Sunday, Rooney’s first indebted to a wonderful lay off en route by the Dutchman, who then created the best moment of the game, hitting the bar before getting his reward with almost the last kick. The two are starting to look like they could be a real handful, which is probably the least they should be at a combined outlay of almost £60m. RVP played very high up for Arsenal last year but with Rooney and often Hernandez on the pitch as well, he has started to drop out wide again to find space like he did in his earlier Arsenal days. This benefits Utd because his delivery is so good, and with a midfield that is only capable of attacking, it creates space for others to run into. The two of them have already scored or created some 29 league goals this season and Utd’s commitment to attack is, thus far, proving successful in propelling them to the top of the league. For years Ferguson hasn’t bothered trying to sort his central midfield out. Maybe finally he has found the solution... literally not bothering with his midfield at all.

3. The Canaries are souring
The current form table sees Norwich city sitting pretty in 2nd place behind Manchester Utd and unbeaten in 8 games. They have won four of those matches through a mixture of solidity, organisation and now a fair bit of style. Chris Hughton took a few games to bed in his squad but since then he has done a marvelous job; not just carrying on the work that Lambert left, but adding new faces and a new style of play to make Norwich an even better team than before. It always seemed a strange decision by Harry Redknapp to toss away Sebastian Bassong as easily as he did, preferring to play Kaboul (who surely he must be sleeping with) and, even more inexplicably, the likes of William Gallas over the Cameroonian. AVB however, clearly also took this as a sign of his worthlessness and agreed to ship him off to Norwich, again deciding that the 35 year old Gallas was a better option. That deal looked laughable when Bassong was dropped for no reason after the successful, Champions League 2010 season and it looks just as laughable now. Bassong is statistically the second best defender in the league this season, behind the criminally underrated Ryan Shawcross. He has helped Norwich keep three clean sheets in their current run and seems to have added goal scoring to his list of skills as well. Further up the pitch, Hughton has played a blinder in the signing of Robert Snodgrass. The Scottish international has been as good as anyone in the Championship over the past few seasons and scored over 40 goals for Leeds from midfield, as well as numerous assists. Still just 25, bigger clubs have missed out on Snodgrass by refusing to take a punt on a player from the division below. So far their loss has been Norwich’s gain. Inspirational over the last two months, the Canaries are now just 4 points off a Champions League spot. Mind you, so are Liverpool... and according to Michael Owen they’re now the favourites to take that spot...

4. Everton’s luck finally turned

Everton have been playing arguably the best football in the league all season, but whereas Utd and City have had the firepower to get them over the 90 minute line, the Toffees have drawn several matches they really should have won. That finally changed on Sunday after Spurs looked to have picked their pockets following a fortunate and undeserved Clint Dempsey strike. Everton refused to let their heads drop and poured forward for the last ten minutes, eventually winning the goal with a late and instinctive Jelavic finish. AVB had few complaints with the result, which in itself is pretty damning when you’ve been beaten by 90th and 94th minute goals. The result propelled Everton back into fourth and with games against Stoke, West Ham and Wigan up next, they would hope to consolidate that position over the festive period. Hell, by the time Chelsea roll into town on New Years Eve, Everton could easily be playing for 3rd. If they have anything like their usual second half to a season, this could be a very special one for their fans.

5. Michael Owen has no idea what he’s on about

Having already tipped Liverpool for 4th this season, Michael Owen later backed QPR to avoid relegation. Even if you believe wholeheartedly in the power of Harry Redknapp, the safe bet on a team 8 points from safety who haven’t won in 16 games is they’re going down. Owen treated us to all sorts of maddeningly strange comments during MOTD2 yesterday, not least blaming Joe Hart for Man Utd’s winner, but his real gem was saved for after the show when he presented his “Manchester XI.” Selecting any players you could from the bloated squads of the two title rivals, Owen went for this...



Hart - Rafael - Evans - Nastatic - Evra - Cleverly - Barry - Valencia - Balotelli - Rooney - Van Persie.


I don’t even know where to begin with a team that doesn’t include Ya Ya Toure, Vincent Kompany or David Silva. Let alone one which has Mario Balotelli at left midfield. I’m perhaps being a bit unkind to Michael Owen, after all this selection was a touch jestful and actually done via a you pick, I pick system with Hansen. But still, by that rational and going first, you think you’d get at least six or seven players from the best available XI? Owen has four, at best, including none of the defenders. Does he even play football anymore? Oh wait... 


Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Fifteen

Why on earth did nobody else look at Michu?

Miguel Perez Cuesta, Michu to his friends, scored his 9^th and 10^th goals of the season this weekend to become only the third Spanish player in history to net 10 goals in a Premier League campaign. To have done that by December, in his first campaign, is a feat only matched by a certain £50m man. Michu cost 1/25^th of that total and is making that fee look laughable. Swansea play controlling, passing football but the Spaniard has added a clinical edge to their play. Against Arsenal they had defended stoutly and looked to be heading for a worthy draw, but a moment of brilliance from Michu won the game before a typical Arsenal error allowed him to add gloss to his earlier effort. Michu wasn’t exactly a complete nobody, he did play in La Liga last season and despite being at low mid table club Rayo Vallecano, managed 17 goals from midfield. 9^th in the scoring charts overall and the highest of any player from a midfield role, outscoring the likes of Di Maria, Ozil, Inesita & Santi. Why then, after just one year with the club was he allowed to leave for such a farcically low fee? And secondly, why on earth was he on nobody else’s Radar but Michael Laudrup’s? Michu has since moved into a striker’s role, the victim of partly his own success but also a Ronaldo esque unwillingness to return past his own half way line. That trait can be forgiven though whilst he continues to win games for his new club. Even if Swansea can’t hold on to him past the summer, they’ll turn a handsome profit… and probably go and buy someone just as good for a third of the price.

Rio Ferdinand will not be missed next year
With his contract running out in the summer there has been talk of Rio Ferdinand moving east for a final and lucrative paycheque. Fergie claimed this week though; that he thought Rio could play for Utd for another “2 or 3 years,” and implied he was keen to use him in a similar manner to Scholes & Giggs once they moved deep into their 30’s. That comment looks, at best, optimistic and at worsts the demented ramblings of a senile pensioner. Ferdinand is way, way past his best and shorn of his pace, lacks the organisational ability of other defenders who can play into their 30’s with a degree of elegant grace. He was static on Saturday evening as Reading became the first team to ever score 3 goals against Utd during the opening half hour of a top flight fixture. The trouble for Utd is that statistics like this keep getting broken every month or so. The team that kept 14 clean sheets in a row three years ago looks like a distant and implausible memory. In fairness to Rio, he has deteriorated at nowhere near the pace that Patrice Evra has. Arguably one of the best left backs in the world 3 seasons ago, the Frenchman is now the worst full back in the league. His passing is errant, his discipline pathetic and his positional sense almost comical. Utd have promising young defenders coming through the ranks and there’s a strong argument to start playing them now. If either Ferdinand or Evra are lining up for Utd next August, the club will be weaker.

Does Gareth Bale need to leave Spurs?
It will be interesting to see how Spurs cope without their inspirational Simian following his ham-string injury this weekend. Bale has been in scintillating form this season, picking up the mantle left behind by Luca Modric and making it his own. Bale had already proved himself loyal, having been courted by bigger clubs for two years, but this summer is probably the time for him to move to pastures new. Bale is not yet the complete player; he goes missing for long periods and struggles when the space around him is closed down. Give him the ball with the pitch to run into though and he’s lethal. His pace and dribbling are well spoken about, but his delivery is unerring for one so young. Bale is currently Spurs best player by a distance, despite the arrival of the impressive Dembele, and it would be fascinating to see if a move to the likes of Real or Munich would improve him still further. People like to knock Bale, myself included, after all he is a shameless diver, has the worst celebration in history and often follows up an amazing match winning performance with touching the ball twice in the next one. But he is just 23 and arguably has everything in his locker that a certain C.Ronaldo did at this stage of his career. A move might just take him to that next level and liberate Spurs from their over reliance on their talisman. They certainly didn’t miss him when he came off on Saturday, pouring forward to win at a canter. The next few weeks will tell us a lot though, both about Bale and the club he currently plays for.

Derby day looms for lumbering giants.
Both Manchester clubs have flattered to deceive this season, but they have been carried to the top of the league by a mixture of prolific strikers… and other prolific strikers. The two clubs have 65 goals between them so far, the same number as Newcastle, Wigan, QPR, Villa & Sunderland combined. RVP is the league’s top scorer, Hernandez the league’s best sub and Rooney added a brace this weekend to take him to 5 so far. City have shared them around a bit more, but Tevez, Aguero & Dseko have all been match winners on a regular basis and it would be a shock if the game on Sunday wasn’t decided by one of those six figures. With Chelsea caught up in their own personal crisis, the league is looking like a two horse race at a worryingly early stage. It would be good then, if unlike the recent games at the Etihad Stadium, we were treated to a proper match. The fear is both managers will resort to their defensive approaches for the game, more frightened of losing than anything else. But with neither team convincing at the back so far, especially Utd, it would be great to see the two best teams in the land, with the greatest collection of strikers in the land, really go for each other’s throats. You never know, Christmas might come early after all.

Wenger out.
I’m getting so bored of saying it I cannot even summon the energy to write this point. Arsenal are an embarrassment and a severing of ties between Wenger & the club is the only way forward. Look at it as a mercy killing. I now refuse to write to about Arsenal until this happens… or they improve at such a dramatic rate I’m forced to eat a piece of humble pie so large I’d choke on it.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Fourteen

1. What the hell has Darren Bent done to Paul Lambert…
In one of the more intriguing subplots of the season, Darren Bent was once again left out of the Aston Villa squad on Tuesday to play Reading. At a cost of £24 million and having scored 52 goals in his last 100 Premier League games, this is beginning to look strange. Add in the fact that Villa were the joint lowers scorers in the division before Benteke’s crucial late strike and it begins to look stranger still. Not just that, but since going two nil up at home to Man Utd, Villa had gone 300 minutes without scoring at all. Finally consider the bench in the last two games. Darren Bent hasn’t been on it. Jordan Bowery, a 21 year old from Chesterfield who cost the club £400,000 has. Suddenly this isn’t strange anymore, it’s perverse. If Bent has done something behind the scenes he needs to be named and shamed. Villa may think that by doing so other clubs might turn away from him, but by not playing him at all Lambert is sending out a much more damning assessment that he isn’t good enough to get in the squad of one the worst teams in the league. He’ll surely go in January, but at this rate Villa will be lucky to get £10m for him when he effectively won’t have played for 3 months. Proven goal scorers are arguably the greatest asset in the league, and keeping one from playing who is as talented as Bent is beginning to look like an ill-advised practical joke. That said, it’s just about the only thing of interest that’s happening at the most boring football club in the land. So we should at least be grateful for that.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/nov/28/darren-bent-aston-villa

2. Michel Platini is an idiot.
Following on from his flawed idea to extend the European Championships to 32 teams, and the genuinely insane one to have it played across the whole of Europe, Michel Platini plumbed new depths this week by suggesting scrapping the Europa League and having a 64 club strong Champions League. This, put bluntly, is a simply terrible idea. The problem with the Champions League is that is not a Champions League, it is fast becoming a collection of the richest clubs in Europe all competing for the Holy Grail. I’ve spoken before about the seeding system, which should be dramatically weighted towards champions of all the major leagues rather than merely getting through the group stages each year (Arsenal). Dortmund for example, could win it this season along with their third consecutive title and would still not be a top seeded club. The Europa league is a bloated and flawed tournament, but combining the two solves the problems of neither. You would have even more dead rubbers than before and all the teams competing would play even more games, meaning that you would need an even bigger squad to be successful. It’s the squad issue that irks the most. Take as an example West Brom, who are a small club currently punching above their weight in the Premier League. If they finish 4^th and make it to Europe, the chances of them going on a “Cinderella story” are massively reduced by a tournament which would ask them to play against teams who can rotate their entire first XI for group matches and still be good enough to beat them. They would also have to play 17 games to win it (including qualifiers) – a figure that would likely rise above 20 with the new format. When Nottingham Forest won back to back European Cups they played just 9 matches. A figure that was doable with a small squad. 17 isn’t… 21 even less so. All this will mean is that the richest, most successful clubs will continue to pool into the later stages, arguably not even maintaining a proper interest until that moment. Platini has pitched this idea to combat a breakaway league from the big clubs, but this move will make that even more likely than before. A 64 club Champions League could have 28 teams from the four main leagues in it! When you consider that countries from the same club can’t be drawn against each other until the last 8, that gives the smaller teams even less chance of getting to the knockout rounds knowing they’re almost certain to face teams from La Liga, Serie A, The Premier League or the Bundesliga. This move cannot be allowed to happen and needs to be vetoed before it gets off the ground. The return to a properly seeded, stripped down tournament which incentivises teams to actually win their own league has to be the priority. This should be supported by a straight knockout tournament that rewards the cup winners of all the leagues, along with those finishing a decent position (not 6^th or 7^th). This won’t happen, because Platini doesn’t ultimately care about anything other than getting as much money as possible. Whether this move comes to fruition will depend on that one thing alone. Sadly, that is everything that is wrong with football right now in a nutshell.

3. In Rafa we truzzzzzzzt.
Two games, two nil nils, it’s clearly far too early to make any judgements on Rafa’s time at Chelsea, but the former Liverpool boss has done nothing to appease the angered Chelsea fans who have vowed to celebrate Di Matteo’s name every 16^th minute until the Spaniard leaves the club. We always knew Rafa would bring defensive solidarity, but benching your most talented creative player for a third defensive midfielder was possibly overkill. Away at Man Utd maybe, but at home to Fulham? No. Chelsea have two away games next before they depart for the World Club Cup, an achievement that is nice to have on your CV (to quote Fergie) but doesn’t really amount to anything in the broad scheme of things. West Ham & Sunderland loom and with both those teams being far, far better at the back than going forward what price now for Rafa to start with four consecutive nil nils? That surely won’t happen, but yesterday’s game was an even worse affair than the one against City. Fulham actually should have won the game near the end, squandering two good chances whilst Chelsea were restricted to shooting from range. In fairness to Benitez, Chelsea’s creative hub has failed to spark for a while now. In the last five games the Blues have managed just 14 shots on target. That’s one every 32 minutes, which is pretty terrible for a title chasing team who played three of those fixtures at home. It gets even worse when you compare those stats. In the same last five games Man City have managed 32 shots on target, one every 14 minutes and Man Utd have got away 28 efforts, one every 17 minutes. Comparing Chelsea’s current rivals for 3^rd West Brom also makes worrying reading, the Baggies having offed 24 efforts in that time. The final test? Aston Villa. In the last five games Villa have managed… wait for it… 35 shots on target!!! Aim for the corners boys...

4.  When will Swansea’s attacking English players start getting some recognition?
Swansea swept aside high flying West Brom last night in 30 minutes of pass and move football that wouldn’t have been out of place in the upper echelons of La Liga. 20 points after 14 matches is a pretty decent return for a team tipped by many to go down, indeed, they are just one point behind Arsenal, who once again find themselves closer to the relegation zone than the title (Wenger Out) – but I digress. In Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge, Swansea have two English players in rich form who deserve a place in the England squad well, well before anyone currently playing at Liverpool (to name a club at random). Routledge has scored four and made four already this season, whilst Dyer has three goals with a further two assists. They haven’t played every game owing to the rotation with the excellent Hernandez and in total the pair have scored or created a goal every 130 minutes. Let’s compare that, again at random, to the much vaunted Raheem Sterling, who has scored or created a goal every 227 minutes and got an England call up before he had done even that. Swansea are an entertaining, easy on the eye, football team and after a slight dip, Laudrup has got them flying again. You could do a lot worse than get a season ticket to the Liberty Stadium. It’s just a shame that it’s in Swansea…

5. Obligatory and token once a season post on Stoke City.
There is only one good thing about Stoke City football club, their fans. Aside from being amongst the loudest and welcoming in the league, they have the two best chants about Luis Suarez. Whilst the first has been copied by every other club up and down the land, the second is all theirs… and makes so little sense you just have to love it. Unlike the way Stoke play football… which is turgid, negative, predictable, dull, desperate and arguably illegal. But, as I’ve said before, I’d still like them to play Real Madrid. £100 says Ramos would get sent off first…

He cheats, he dives, he hates the Jackson Five!
Suaaarezzzzz, Suareeezzzzz.

Six foot two
eyes of blue
Robert huth is after you
with a nick nack paddywack
give a dog a bone
luis suarez
fuck off home

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Thirteen

1. Harry Redknapp has his work cut out.
QPR wasted no time on Friday bringing in cockney wide boy and media darling Harry Redknapp, to replace the terminal Mark Hughes. Harry has worked his magic before, most noticeably at Portsmouth (if you count working his magic as keeping them in the division via loads of overpaid transfers and then jumping ship and watching them become bankrupt) – but he really has his work cut out this time around. QPR have that fatal mix of overpaid former stars that don’t seem to care, and underpaid championship players who just aren’t good enough. Rangers are utterly adrift of safety in the form of 7 points and have a run of immediate fixtures that are almost all crucial. Sunderland, Villa & Wigan are all up shortly and winning/losing them could be the difference between opening up the relegation zone to a wider audience… and staring into the abyss. Harry will need all his man management skills and a set of transfer targets that aren’t quite so obvious as Beckham to turn things around. Keep this lot up and solidify them further next year and his stock in the game could rise even higher. Fail… and you wonder if this could be Harry’s last chance to put his unique spin on the football merry go round that he loves so much.

2. But so does Rafa Benitez.
Rafa was welcomed to Stamford Bridge on Sunday with open and widespread dissent from the Chelsea faithful. The combination of a manager they hate replacing one they had loved, proving too much for a set of supporters who thus far had remained faithful to their Roman empire. Worries about Benitez’ style of football would have hardly been quashed by one of the worst games of the season. City at least tried, if seemingly happy to take a point in the backyard of their second nearest rivals. Chelsea looked like they were at a funeral for the first half and in the second upped their work rate in a strangely petulant way, as if they’d been told by Roman himself to get out there and show him they cared. Saving Torres career looks beyond even Rafa and it will be interesting to see who he signs in January. Recalling Lukaku has to be the first move. The Belgian looking more threatening in 20 minutes than Torres & Struridge have in their last 200; and he is a much more natural front man to play in this formation. Personally, much as I condemn the ludicrous sacking of Di Matteo, I’m happy to see Benitez back in management. He is a strangely likeable man and unlike Ferguson or Wenger, his tantrums are funny rather than tiringly predictable. He needs to get the players and fans onside quickly and he’s right about one thing... you start winning football matches and all that other stuff gets forgotten quickly. Chelsea though, with two victories in their last eight games, need to remember that habit again and fast.

3. Southampton know how to play football.
Back to back victories have propelled Saints up the league table to the dizzy heights of 17^th and finally got their fans dreaming of survival. Yesterday they tore into a beleaguered Newcastle like a pack of Wolves to a fresh carcass. Saints move the ball around with real style and their front four, with the cultured Ramirez pulling the strings, look dangerous every time they go forward. Indeed, Southampton have created as many chances as any team in the division and remain the leagues great entertainers having seen 50 goals go in during their 13 matches. 7 or 8 nil would not have flattered them yesterday, but the most pleasing thing for Nigel Adkins will probably have been the clean sheet.  If they are to remain in the top flight they will need plenty more of them. Talk of their manager’s demise was offensive a few weeks ago and looks ludicrous now. Southampton are now a well-run, attractive club who were on their knees before Adkins stepped in. Even if they go down, it is about time clubs showed some loyalty and his services should be retained for several years yet. When you keep having to go to Dave Whelan to teach you something about morals in the game, you’re in serious trouble.

4. Utd’s central hub still wouldn’t pass an MOT.
The phrase “one more year” for Scholes & Giggs stopped being amusing long ago, such has been their absurd longevity. Giggs, to his credit, was still brilliant 18 months ago and Scholes kept Utd in the title race until the death last time around. Finally though, it looks like this might be one bridge too far. Neither player has influenced a game this season in the way they did in the last two campaigns and Utd have looked sluggish with them in the team. A central hub of Scholes/Carrick cannot be allowed to continue. The partnership lacks page and urgency and the time has come for Cleverly and Anderson, even the impressive looking Nick Powell, to be given a sustained run of games.  If that fails, Ferguson has to buy and sort out the part of his team that has continued to come up short for the best part of a decade. The thinking was that Utd would play 4-2-3-1 this year with the lively Kagawa in behind Rooney, allowing two deep lying passers such as Scholes/Carrick to ping balls into the channels. Buying Van Persie changed all that though, suddenly Rooney finds himself in a deeper role. Not even a number 10, but like a half 8, half 10 clone who doesn’t really play in the space or burst in unmarked. Utd don’t possess a defensive midfielder so their formation looks a bit silly. Better to play to your strengths and attack, which is all Utd have ended up doing this season anyway once they’ve fallen behind again… and again… and again. Utd can outscore almost anyone in full flow and when they’ve got the bit between their teeth there is no team better at scoring 2 or 3 goals in a very quick period of time. Utd played well for 15 minutes on Saturday, and once again it was enough to win. Ferguson has one more piece of surgery to conduct before he retires and he cannot ignore the heart of this team anymore.

5. It’s time for Pardew to start justifying that contract.
8 years always seemed a stretch and little over 8 weeks into that deal Alan Pardew looks like a man sat on his laurels. Newcastle have been very unlucky with injuries this season, their first choice midfield having barely played, but that doesn’t excuse the lack of organisation and discipline that has crept into their ranks of late. Pardew’s men have just been beaten comfortably by the two teams who got promoted last season. They are in a desperate rut, winning one of their last eight league games and even that in an extremely undeserved way. The worry for the Anti-Christ must be that whereas before they were solid but lacking in spark, on Sunday they were truly battered by the team who are odds on favourites to finish bottom. The Toon army are beginning to get restless and whilst Pardew’s commitment to the Europa league is noble, it is clearly costing his side in the league. Newcastle have Stoke, Fulham & Wigan before a Christmas schedule that looks handpicked by Ebenezer Scrooge. Both Manchester clubs, Arsenal & Everton all loom over the season of goodwill. On the evidence of the last few games, it could be the season of discontent instead.

Premier League Predictions - Week 13

After a dramatic few days of football this weeks predictions are delivered as if they're a series of suspicious criminal allegations:

Sunderland v West Brom
Sunderland win twice in a row? I don't believe it for a second. Not with the Baggies all bouncing to the same beat. Away win, maybe a draw if there's a fist fight or two.

Everton v Norwich
The most improved team in the top flight take on the Toffees in their backyard. What's that? You can shoot people for trespassing now? Their could be a lot of dead Canaries here... Home win.

Man Utd v QPR
This could get uglier than a Liverpool player on a night out. Have the board given Mark Hughes one more game as a form of torture? Will he be sent to the chair straight after the match? It's likely. Utd never lose three in a row. Big... big home win.

Stoke v Fulham
Without Fulham's Norse God at the back this could be a bit of flair vs GBH at the Britannia. The draw's the safe bet, but I reckon Stoke will escape with a minor caution and win this.

Wigan v Reading
Reading are off and running but likely to be done for speeding if they win again. Wigan are due a win and should get it here. Could be here today, Kone tomorrow for the Royals.

Azzzton Villa v Arsenal
Away win.

Swansea v Liverpool
Few subplots here and I think the Scouse will find it hard down on the coast. Nobody wants a day trip to Swansea at this time of year and it could be a case of spot the ASBO in the crowd and the pitch. Home win.

Saints v Newcastle
A goal fest fit for all the senses is predicted here. If you attend one entertaining riot all year, make it this one. 3 all draw.

Spurs v West Ham
Like picking a criminal out of a line of Russian billionaires, this game is very hard to call right. Chances are, they're all guilty. Is anyone getting these analogies at all? I'm just not sure this is working... anyone... Home win, just.

Chelsea v Man City
What a build up, what a week, what a potential treat, if you see one game this weekend... Nil Nil.

Roman Abramovich doesn’t destroy managers, he makes them.

Following the sacking of Roberto Di Matteo this week, many fans, managers and pundits were quick to pour scorn on the Chelsea tycoon and his unique vision. Whilst it’s undoubtedly true that Abramovich has created a culture at the club where it’s now impossible to see a manager ever being in real control, the same can be said of Real Madrid and it hasn’t done them a lot of harm in the long run. What is worth considering though, are all the comments that were directed to the Russian about his treatment of the managers who have come in and ran his team for an average of 250 days (discounting Jose). Are we missing a big point here? Yes Roman hires and fires managers at will (only 1 of the last 5 has finished a season he started with the club) but aside from the massive pay offs, there is a strong argument that every person’s reputation has actually been enhanced by spending time at the club. Let’s look at the roll call:

Rainieri – The incumbent when Roman stepped in, Rainieri was a dead man walking from day one yet was a likeable presence both on and off the pitch and guided Chelsea to second in the league and a Champions League semi-final. His reputation was enhanced at the club and he went on to manage successfully in La Liga and Serie A.

Mourinho – The special one. Won 5 trophies in 3 years and has since forged a reputation as arguably the best current manager in the game. Left Chelsea with a monster pay off and an even bigger ego than when he joined.

Grant – Grant was a nobody when he was given the role of Jose’s successor on a temporary basis. He guided them to a steady second in the league and was a kick away from winning the Champions League. Left with a reputation as a likeable, talented manager with a dry sense of humour and was subsequently employed by West Ham. Ok so he also managed Portsmouth, badly... but then nobody remembers that... not even Portsmouth fans.

Scolari – Scolari’s reign could arguably be seen as damaging to his reputation, but instead he earned plaudits from around the world from being the first manager under the Roman era to turn Chelsea into a team playing free flowing attacking football. He didn’t buy a lot of players and was subsequently sacked for failing to keep clean sheets and losing pace with the leaders. His next job? Becoming the highest paid manager of all time…

Hiddink – Roman’s second caretaker manager, Hiddink guided Chelsea to the FA Cup and lost but one match. Left with his reputation even bigger than it was when he took over. So much so that he’s still spoken about as being THE manager Chelsea should be courting.

Ancelotti – Sacked after his second year with the club after the small achievement of winning Chelsea’s first ever double in his initial season. Reputation arguably boosted by stint in English football and was the first of three managers to come unstuck by the “Torres conundrum.”

Villas-Boas – The only manager on the list who can genuinely claim to have had his standing in the game reduced by Roman Abramovich. Was touted as the brightest young manager in the game yet over his 40 games with the club the form and confidence unravelled and was eventually let go in March with a staggering severance package. Including the cost to Porto, AVB cost Roman over £30,000,000 to hire and fire. That’s £775,000 a game…

Di Matteo – The number two was promoted until the end of the season having had his managerial credentials burnt by being sacked by West Brom. He delivered another FA Cup and a first ever Champions League. He united the squad and had begun to usher in a new era of youthful, attacking football. And Fernando Torres. He leaves the club with a considerably enhanced reputation than when he joined.

Benitez – Roman’s 4^th caretaker manager in barely as many years. Rafa arrives after 2 years out of the game following a Liverpool melt down and an epic fail at Inter Milan. Baring a complete disaster, it’s hard to see how his reputation will do anything but go up. Chelsea are likely to finish 3^rd whatever he does and if he wins one of the cups he’ll be in an even stronger position to negotiate come May.

So there you go. Nine different managers and only one left with his reputation ruined. And even he got employed straight away down the road. Far from being a poisoned chalice, there is a strong argument that being a Chelsea manager will actually enhance your standing in the game. As well as setting you and your family up for life. Who’d take that job eh…

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Twelve

1. The Baggies are all bouncing to the same beat.
The season is almost a third of the way through and if awards were being handed out now, Steve Clarke would be manager of the year by some distance. In his first role in the head coach hot seat, Clarke has taken West Brom to 4^th in the table, a point behind Chelsea. The best thing about them being there is the manner in which they’ve won games. West Brom are organised and dependable at the back, but they play brilliant football and have a collection of strikers as good as any team outside of Manchester. Clarke is using a small squad, but he is rotating sensibly within it so that the likes of Brunt, Gera, Morrison and Odemwingie are all staying fresh. Shane Long is having a brilliant season and is regularly keeping the on loan Lukaku, who looks amazing almost every time he plays, out of the team. Indeed, the Belgian powerhouse, still just 19… looks a considerably better player than both Torres and Daniel Sturridge did this weekend. Torres is a man who now needs his own personal crisis blog, whilst Sturridge missed around 285 chances in the last half hour alone. West Brom are an extremely well run football club, and this form is a rich reward to their fans. This is not a collection of individuals, this is a team in every sense of the word. The Baggies are playing for each other and working hard for each other. Every member of that first team squad is contributing and they are showing what is possible when the whole team bounces to the same beat. They are yet to play poorly all season and their next six opponents are Sunderland, Swansea, Stoke, Arsenal, West Ham, Norwich. On this form, you wouldn’t bet on them losing any of those matches.

2. AVB needs to be given time.
Some managers come over here and just click with the Premier League. Not just in the way their teams play, but with the fans, the media, everything. Jose Mourinho’s teams played the most lifeless, soul destroying football imaginable, yet he was adored by the media. AVB is a positive and forward thinking manager yet both with Chelsea and now Spurs, there seems to be this general sense around him of people willing him to fail. That would be a shame, because if Spurs give him time he has shown plenty of promise in turning them into a progressive, counter attacking team who can cause real problems. He has been hindered thus far, by some very bad luck. His main defender has been injured all season, his best defensive midfielder likewise and Spurs were in complete control of the match on Saturday before Emmanuel Adeboyer had his moment of madness. The fact that his tackle wasn’t malicious actually makes it even more stupid. A clear red, Adeboyer should be made to donate a month’s wages to a local charity for such a reckless act of idiocy. AVB deserves to be stuck with though, for starters his decision to go 3-4-2 second half was brave and almost paid off. The shameless MOTD highlights glossing over a twenty minute spell after the restart when Spurs were clearly the better team. Spurs didn’t deserve a 5-2 reverse and they probably don’t deserve to be just two points ahead of Liverpool in a league table that “doesn’t lie.” AVB hasn’t got everything right, the decision to make the 35 year old William Gallas captain remains mystifying, but he deserves at least a couple of years to see his style of football become a blueprint at a club famed for their attacking philosophy. At the very least, he should be allowed time to try and find the shooting boots seemingly lost in the transfer window of both Sigurdsson and Dempsey.

3. Mark Hughes does not.
There is no argument that can be made to keep Mark Hughes in a job. There are normally two that can be thrown into the ring when somebody is doing as appallingly as he is. They need more time… and they’re a good bloke who loves the club, so show some loyalty. Hughes has had the equivalent of a full season at QPR, and would have taken them down over the 38 games. He hasn’t won in 12 matches this season, a new league record. He doesn’t love the club, QPR owe him no loyalty. Oh… and he’s a cunt. QPR have been at worst terrible and at best average this season, but on Saturday they plumped new depths. Losing is one thing. Losing at home another. But losing to the second worst team in the league at home is something else. And QPR didn’t just lose, they were battered. If Jason Puncheon had been more prolific, Saints could easily have won by 5 or 6. As I write this, Hughes is still in a job. That cannot be allowed to still be the case by the time next weekend comes around.

4. Sometimes you just need luck to reverse your fortunes.
Sunderland have been in dire form this season, scoring just seven goals in ten matches and playing some truly rubbish football along the way. At Fulham yesterday they were organised and disciplined, but didn’t show any signs of being able to win the game until Brede Hangeland’s harsh red card. From there, with Fulham committed to already having three strikers on the pitch, they slowly but surely worked themselves into the game before finally hitting Jol’s adventurous team on the break. Eventually winning 3-1, nobody can convince me that they would have won that game had Fulham kept 11 men on the pitch. Sometimes though, you need that little bit of luck to kick start a season and Stephane Sessegnon’s sublime strike was everything he needed and more to get his confidence and form back up to the sort of levels he was showing last year. Sunderland now have a very winnable run of fixtures and, in a bunched league, they remain 3 points off relegation and 6 off a European spot. More pleasingly for Mackems everywhere, is that they’re only 2 points behind Newcastle. A club who in their own, unique style, have spent the last two months mocking Sunderland relentlessly whilst somewhat failing to notice the chronic lack of form that has inherited their own team.

5. Harry Redknapp needs a job.
I’m not Harry Redknapp’s biggest admirer, mainly because he’s a criminal and a West Ham fan. But he is an extremely entertaining manager. He plays good, attacking football with an almost casual disregard for defending and his transfer dealings, whilst clearly illegal, never stop being fun to talk about. What Harry isn’t, is a football pundit. He meanders around the point just saying “we tried to sign him” or “I like the look of him” over and over again. The man doesn’t give a shit about analysis, he just wants to be back in the game. Will somebody please throw the old dog a bone…

Premier League Predictions - Week 12

Arsenal v Spurs
A North London derby that neither club can afford to lose, so almost certain to be a draw. I'm going for 1 a piece, with Arsenal to dominate possession.

Liverpool v Wigan
Both these teams are improving all the time, but I can't see this being a high scoring affair. I predict a narrow victory for the home team, almost certainly scored by Suarez after he's hit the post at least twice.

Man City v Azzzton Villa
Home win.

Newcastle v Swansea
Newcastle are due a good performance and I fancy them to deliver it this weekend. The Toon to win 3-0.

QPR v Saints
Talk about a six pointer. It might only be November but whoever loses this could be 7 or 8 points adrift of safety. I think Saints will win this, but the first goal will be crucial. Adkins men to prevail 2-1 and Hughes to be sacked in the morning.

Reading v Everton
Reading remain winless themselves, a run I can't see being broken here. Everton haven't quite mastered the winning ugly style that turns you from a good team into a great one, so I'm going for a draw here. 1 all.

West Brom v Chelsea
This is arguably the game I'm looking forward to most all weekend. West Brom are flying, the two games they have lost they should have got 4 points from. Meanwhile, Chelsea are stuttering after a flying start. Very hard to call, but I'm going for a close fought away win. 2-1 to the Blues, with Mata again pulling the strings.

Norwich v Man Utd
Norwich have been looking good of late but they don't score a lot and keeping Utd out for 90 minutes seems impossible right now. Away win, by a couple of goals.

Fulham v Sunderland
Sunderland surely have to start playing football again soon? They're up against a really good Fulham team this week and it's impossible to look beyond a home win. 2 nil.

West Ham v Stoke City
Meanwhile in the land of the giants... nil nil.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Eleven

1. Coming from behind, it’s the new missionary position.
Manchester United & City are sat at the top of the league table this weekend looking down at the other teams and laughing. Utd have hit top gear twice all season and City haven’t even got out of 3rd. Yet, the former are top of the pile and the latter are somehow still unbeaten. In the 30 games that both have played in the Premier & Champions League this season they have come from behind to claim points in a barely plausible 18 of them. Of course, it helps when you don’t bother playing until the last half hour of matches to have a super sub on the bench. Edin Dzeko has scored more goals than any of City’s strikers and cannot buy a starting place. He has scored the winner in a third of City’s Premier League games this season. He is better than Sunderland on his own. Javier Hernandez meanwhile has scored more goals in the last ten games than the ENTIRE of Manchester United's team combined bar Van Persie. He is currently averaging a goal every 54 minutes. His goals per minute ratio is the best of any striker ever to play for Utd in the modern era. Let’s look at this another way, Edin Dzeko and Javier Hernandez have already this season won more points for their team than the whole of QPR, Reading & Southampton put together. And neither of them start games. Ah who cares, it makes things much more interesting if you give the opposition a chance first.

2. Big Sam, the manager Mark Hughes wishes he was.
Say what you want about Big Sam, his knack of taking supremely average teams into the top half of the Premier League is peerless. His teams aren’t always easy on the eye and often tread a disciplinary tightrope, but time and time again he manages to deliver. West Ham sit in 6th position in the table, above Spurs, Arsenal and Newcastle, and the worst thing about it is they actually deserve to be there. They have the second best defence in the league and have been outplayed just once to date (away at Swansea). Allardyce knows how to win Premier League matches and West Ham are organised and committed with a smackering of flair around the edges. In Kevin Nolan, they have the most consistent  uncapped midfielder in England, certainly now the equally impressive Leon Osman has been called up. Mark Hughes on the other hand, can’t even remember how to win football matches. QPR are bottom of the table, winless and shit out of luck. Hughes has won just 8 of his 34 games in charge, a ratio of less than 24%. Lower than Neil Warnock managed in his time in the same league, with a lot less money and time. Hughes vowed last season that you would “never, ever see a team in that position whilst he was at the club.” He may well be proved right, but only because he won’t be there come May...

3. Chelsea have to ship out Torres in January.

Chelsea may have posted their first profits under the Roman Empire, but if they’re to harbor any realistic chance of winning the title this season, they have to take what they can for Torres and buy a genuine centre forward, not an ex one. Torres may have scored four league goals, but only one was a genuine strikers finish and given the talent behind him, it’s a pretty meek return. Ask yourself, would Torres get in the first team of any major club in European football? Would he even get in the match day squad at City or Utd? No. He’ll still score the odd goal, who wouldn’t with Mata, Oscar and Hazard running riot, but he is simply not a game changer in the way that top strikers are. It’s time to put him out to pasture. I’m sure Spurs will buy him... or PSG, just for a laugh.

4. Everybody, even Arsenal fans, need Arsenal to not finish in the top four this season.
With the top three all but certain to remain as they are, a battle for 4th of epic proportions is currently being fought beneath them. Everton, easily playing the best football, are surely the most deserving of the spot to reward them and their manager for a decade of over achievement. Right now though, I’d take just about anyone in the league (not West Ham) finishing in 4th spot ahead of the Gunners. Why? Because Arsene Wenger needs to leave; and them finishing 3rd or 4th year after year after trophy less year is only prolonging the inevitable. Arsenal at least used to challenge for the title. Now they rise slowly to the surface like a dead, bloated whale corpse scaring away all the little fish at the latter stages. Arsenal are now so average that Aaron Ramsey has started to look ok again, just because he runs more than the others do. When their strikers find their boots, the defence collapses. When the defence keeps a clean sheet, they can’t hit a barn door. Sure they’ll go on a sneaky little run at some point and fool a few people, but when it comes to the crunch they aren’t good enough. For a team with their recent history, charging £150 a ticket, with a magnificent stadium, an army of supporters and turning a bigger profit than any UK bank... that’s unforgivable. Wenger out. The campaign begins here.

5. A nod to Andrea Pirlo.
Juventus’ unbeaten run came to an end last week one short of the magic 50 mark. For Pirlo, it marked the end of a streak that had stretched back to December 2010. One month shy of two years, Pirlo was beaten for the first time in sixty league matches. An astonishing run whichever way you look at it. Pirlo is a romanticists footballer, a throwback to days when people treated the ball like a fine woman, gently caressing it around the pitch  with elegance and grace. His range of passing is exquisite, and his pass percentage during the last two years is better than Toure, Xavi, Alonso... even Michael Carrick. This summer he dragged a very average Italian squad to the cusp of greatness. He even managed to get a penalty renamed after him en route. Being far too much of a homosexual to play in this country (thank you Phil Brown), we are left to admire him from afar as he weaves his magic across Italy. He won’t win the Ballon d’or, it’s likely he won’t even make the top five, but he’d still walk into any team in the world at the age of 33 and slowly, gently, make love to the ball.

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Nine

1. How hard is it to let football to do the talking?
Sky’s Super Sundays rarely delivers, but this weekend’s combination of a high octane Merseyside derby littered with subtext; and a full out attacking bonanza at Stamford Bridge were both ruined by terrible refereeing. At least the Everton & Liverpool game waited until the last few minutes before letting controversy mar it. This was not the case at Chelsea, where the Mark Clatternburg show completely took over what was fast becoming the game of the season. As it was, not only were we robbed of a final half hour of end to end attacking football, we were left once again to listen to the pundits, the managers and the media seemingly forget about how much wonderful football they’d seen and just discuss the controversies over and over again. This is the biggest shame about all of this. I want to hear people talk about the way Suarez tore through Everton’s defence. Or the way David Moyes team rallied themselves in fine style to come back from two down. I want to discuss the passes that combined to create Chelsea’s magnificent second goal, or the movement from Robin Van Persie in both of Utd’s openers. What I don’t want is half an hour of people going on about bad decisions. Decisions, it has to be said, that were so obviously wrong it barely merits a discussion in the first place. Indeed, you open the papers this morning and there’s little mention of the football in light of not only the existing incidents, but the extraordinary allegations that Clatternburg racially abused a Chelsea player. A friend made a good point yesterday on that. If he is found guilty will he be given a 4 game ban like John Terry? Unlikely. He’ll probably be sacked. In which case not only will football once again be guilty of terrible hypocrisy, but Howard Webb has a lot of responsibility as Fergies remaining 12^th man…

2. But… we have to give refs more help.
All of yesterdays’ controversy could have been wiped away with three simple rule changes. Diving, the professional foul and offside goals all ruin games week in week out and none of the changes outlined below would slow the game down or take away the “power” from referees like FIFA claim.

i. Retrospective punishment for diving.
Refs are on increasing pressure to clamp down on simulation and it’s clear that was the message ringing in Clattenburg’s ears when he booked Torres yesterday. However, it was an impossible call and one he should never be in a position to have to make. Ref’s should never be having to guess whether people went down too easily or not, they should let the game flow and be able to assess the video footage after a match and if they think someone has dived, be able to issue a retrospective straight red card. This would cut out diving at once as right now, about three people would be sent off every game. It would also keep the power with the referee who would have time and technology on his side to make his decision.

ii. Change the professional foul rule.
One of my most despised rules in all of football, it the tackle isn’t cynical or dangerous, a player should not be sent off for what we saw on Sunday. A clash of legs, accidental collisions or a genuine mistimed tackle should not be punished by a red card. But what do you do when someone is clean through outside the box then? Simple. Award a penalty. They do it in other sports, why not football. All that has been denied is a “clear goal scoring opportunity” – so give them one.

iii. Allow for offside goals to be reviewed by the 4^th official.
Within 20 seconds on Sunday, the 4^th official would have correctly awarded Liverpool a goal and denied Man Utd one. For all the fuss about goal line technology, this is a much more common problem and one that offers exactly the same solution. Just allow a team to review it? The 4^th official (or someone else) could communicate to the referee during the celebrations whether or not the goal was offside or not. It wouldn’t slow the match down and if you’re worried about assistant refs losing their jobs then say that each captain can review one decision a match. We’re all human, we all make mistakes, but what we saw on Sunday (especially at Goodison) were just total bottles from fallible officials under intense pressure. The time has come to help them, rather than just abuse them. Maybe this way we can start talking about football again…

3. David de Gea is all sorts of fun.
Say what you like about De Gea, he’s pure box office. Easily the most entertaining keeper since Crazy Jens left our hallowed shores, the young Spaniard is a mixture of the surreal, sublime and complete shit in every single 90 minutes he plays. On Sunday he managed to follow up an 80 yard pin point drop kick under pressure onto the boot of Van Persie, with a scuffed clearance straight to a Chelsea player. The next minute he was flapping at a cross before making one of the saves of the season to deny Torres. There is no middle ground with De Gea, his distribution is often extraordinary accurate and his shot stopping is as good as anyone in the world. Sadly his command of his penalty box is, at best, invisible and at worst disastrous. In short, you never know what you’re going to get next from him. Currently he saves at least one shot he has no right to save every match. Which would be great if he didn’t concede a goal he really should have kept out every match as well. Regardless of his performances, Fergie owes it to the league to play him every match. The division is much more entertaining with him in it.

4. There is no defence for Southampton.
Fast becoming the new Blackpool, without the ability to actually win, Southampton look set to be an entertaining footnote in this year’s Premier League battle. Lying in 19^th place already adrift of safety, they are actually the league’s 6^th highest scorers. Sadly they have conceded 26 goals in 9 games. Indeed, their fans have witnessed 40 goals in all at an extraordinary average of 4.5 a match. At this rate they are on target to beat Swindon Town’s unenviable record of 100 goals in one season… in less games. The problem with Southampton is simple, they cannot defend in any way shape or form. Bale’s opener yesterday came from a looped cross which he headed in from around 16 yards, barely challenged. Before that, Saints had been carved open by the seemingly new technique of people passing the ball and running after it. They improved in the second half, but only because they had more of the ball. Indeed, given you can’t see how they’re going to improve their rearguard at this hour, the only chance they have of getting close to the 40 point mark is trying to keep the ball for the vast majority of the time. Saints possess some very good footballers and they should look to Swansea as their blueprint for how to keep the ball and also stay vaguely solid at the same time. If not, you fear for them not just getting relegated, but going down with an unwanted statistic hanging around their necks as well.

5. There are no winners at Norwich.
Norwich are probably the most regularly patronised club in the top flight. 3 minutes of highlights can’t go by without a nod to their director’s box or reference to Alan Partridge. Most football fans couldn’t name more than three of their players. This summer they replaced the departing Paul Lambert with the reliable, likeable Chris Hughton. On the evidence of Saturday however, neither manager nor club can be particularly happy with the way things have turned out. Norwich under Hughton are less expansive than they were under Lambert, preferring a tighter formation and reliance on the creativity of their wingers to cut inside. Villa meanwhile… are Villa. If Lambert has tried to improve the way they football, he’s failed. Which is a bit surprising given he’s only using about three players who were there under the McCleish regime. A predictably tight draw left both teams looking over their shoulders at the wrong end of the table and wondering where the attacking football of yesteryears had gone. Perhaps if both managers just swapped jobs things would be better? Maybe not. But a long, hard and potentially very disinteresting season awaits both clubs. Oh well, maybe Delia can spice things up instead…

(the author is aware that this last entry is mildly patronising to Norwich)

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Eight

Dzeko deserves more
8 of Manchester City’s goals this season have come in the last 10 minutes of their matches and no man has been more prolific in that period than Edin Dzeko. The Bosnian boasts the best goals per minute ratio of anybody so far and has won his team 9 ill-deserved points already, half their total haul. Mancini is a member of the “Rafa Benitez Rotation for Rotations sake” club but there is a time when you have to put you most in form players on the pitch and just be done with it. Right now, Mario Balotelli is nowhere near worthy of a starting position. The maverick Italian has been in fine form for his country but has been woeful so far for his club. With Aguero returning from injury, surely Mancini has to start Tevez and Dzeko for a run of games and see what happens. Indeed, when he started the latter for such a run at the beginning of last year he scored freely. Dzeko is clearly a player who needs an arm round his shoulder and consistent, regular game time. He is far too good to be City’s fourth choice striker. Initially cumbersome, he took time to adapt to the rigours of the Premier League but has now been his club’s MVP in four of their eight games already. If it wasn’t for him City would lie in 13^th. Behind Liverpool…

Chelsea’s three musketeers can be as good as anyone
The preferred system for top clubs these days is a 4-2-3-1 with two screening midfielders allowing the protection for three attackers to float behind a lone striker. Barca & Spain have sometimes used a false 9 to turn this more into a more fluid 4-2-4-0 but in the most part, this is the system for teams to attack at will with the knowledge that they shouldn’t get caught too easily on the break. Barcelona currently have Messi, Pedro & Iniesta behind Villa whereas Real boast Ronaldo, Di Maria and Ozil behind Benzema. Chelsea, whilst nowhere near as strong as those teams in the other positions, have a trio themselves of Mata, Hazard & Oscar who have the potential to be as good as anyone. White Hart Lane is not an easy place to go, especially for Chelsea, but the passing, movement and creativity that these three produced on Saturday was mesmerising. Oscar & Hazard are just 21, yet both play like seasoned pros. Mata was Chelsea’s best player last season and since a two week break in September has come back even stronger still. Last week, he must have been the best player in World Football not to be selected for an International squad (such is the absurd depth of Spain’s talent). Mata’s second goal on Saturday contained a first time pass of such beauty from Hazard that all the Spaniard had to do was take four strides and pass it into the net. I dismissed Chelsea’s challenge at the start of the season, pointing to their defence and the complete uselessness of John Obi Mikel as the reasons why. Neither of those flaws have been corrected, but if Chelsea’s three musketeers can keep playing like this and scoring four goals every game… it will hardly matter.

The Premier League is a very different beast to the Championship
It’s always one of the strange things each year that the team who comes up via the play off’s tends to fair better than those who gained automatic promotion. People can talk about momentum all they want, but the truth is that some teams are just better suited to play in this division than others (in the same way that Darren Huckerby was the greatest Championship player of all time… and nigh on useless in the Prem). Last season Reading and Southampton eased to automatic promotion at the expense of West Ham, who eventually went up by the skin of their teeth via the play offs. Thus far this season West Ham have amassed 14 points and sit in 7^th. Reading and Saints meanwhile, lie in 18^th and 19^th with seven points and one win between them. West Ham have bought some new players of course, but then so have the other two clubs and they haven’t been able to gel with anything like the sort of speed that Big Sam’s new players have. No, the simple fact is that you need to be a more physical, rounded team to survive in the Premiership whereby you can get by playing light weight, fast attacking football in the league below. West Brom were a yo-yo club for years before they realised this and added solidity to their passing style, learning that in order to make it in the top flight defence has to come first. As it is, I would rather pay money to watch Saints play football 100 times over than West Ham, but that won’t change the fact that come May, the former will be heading back down to the fiery chasm from whence they came.

Martin O’Neill is limping
Martin O’Neill did everything right. He started his career at a lower league club, forging an impressive reputation before stepping up to manage Leicester. Here, he guided the club through their golden years adding cup triumphs to impressive league finishes. It was the year 2000, Martin O’Neill was 48 and he was being talked about as having the potential to manage any club in the land. He opted to manage Celtic. Whilst an unqualified success in Scotland, there is an argument that five years spent managing a club who essentially nobody respects your achievements for, was a potential waste of time for a manager of O’Neill’s abilities. When he did return to England some six years later, he took over at Aston Villa and guided them to three successive top six finishes. A feat that looks even more impressive when you consider Aston Villa both before and after that period. Eventually he quit and spent a season in exile being linked to every major job under the sun. His eventual appointment to the club he supported as a boy, smacked of a final and sentimental move. O’Neill is now 60 and in danger of greatness passing him by. He started well at Sunderland but so far this season his team have retreated into their shells. Sessegnon is yet to get going, likewise James McClean. His team have created fewer chances than anyone in the league and scored fewer goals, a feeble six in eight matches. Nobody apart from Stephen Fletcher has yet scored at all. O’Neill needs to arrest this creative lull and fast. Johnson and Fletcher are good signings and his team have enough talent to push for a top 8 finish. It would be a crying shame if a manager of his abilities finished his career languishing in mid table with no trophies since a Scottish Cup with Celtic.

Hatred of other clubs is all relative
Many people who just insult my blog of my fans have asked me over the past couple of years why I dislike the teams I do and why some make me go all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about watching them try and defend (Spurs). There are of course, a myriad of reasons for this from the fans of the club to the managers, youth policies, transfer dealings and historical incidents. Ultimately though, you can’t always rationalise why you like the clubs you do. Whilst I try to remain impartial on this blog, there is little doubt that I favour writing about clubs that interest me in either their approach or ethos. As such, I have decided to once and for all clarify my stance on all the current Premier League clubs on the official “Hindu Monkey Scale.” The scale features eight categories, to which clubs fall into rank order within. Any questions, please contact the management…

Supports
Man Utd
Soft Spots
Spurs
Everton
Swansea
Sympathist
Fulham
Arsenal
Wigan
Southampton
Little Interest
West Brom
Sunderland
Reading
Norwich
No Interest (at. all.)
Aston Villa
Mild Disdain
Newcastle
Stoke
Total Loathing
Man City
QPR
West Ham
Liverpool
Unrivalled Hatred
Chelsea

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Five

1. You don’t get what you deserve in this sport…
Following a Liverpool v Utd match which saw the away fans behave impeccably and the home fans lead a stirring tribute to the 96 who died at Hillsborough, it was left, for once, for the football to do the talking. The only incident of note during a first half of the worst possible quality was a harsh sending off for the Liverpool youngster Jonjo Shelvey. The challenge was reckless, but Shelvey’s real crime was catching the equally as committed Evans and not the ball and he paid the worst possible price. On another day that and an equally as soft penalty decision could have gone Liverpool’s way. It is indicative of their season so far that they didn’t. The Anfield faithful deserved to come home with a victory this weekend and yet again they saw their team undone by a combination of bad luck, poor finishing and some questionable defending. Man Utd have won their last four games despite playing well for around 30 minutes in total. Criminally still reliant on Paul Scholes, a Utd team shorn of him and Rooney look unable to create anything, especially when Kagawa sees so little of the ball from a midfield used to continuously spraying it out wide. Nani is a shadow of his former self, and that former self was pretty shit to begin with. RVP looked tired, Valencia not at the races and Patrice Evra is now the worst full back defensively in the entire league. As it is, Utd somehow sit a point off the top of the table haven’t yet to get going this season and that can only spell bad news for everyone else. As for Liverpool, 2 points from 5 games and a goal difference of minus 6 is a brutally harsh statistic. Rodgers style will take time to bed in but already what little chance they had of returning to the Champions League is gone. Winning a game has to be the immediate priority, keeping a clean sheet the next. Rodgers’ teams are easy on the eye but the contrast with the slick, first time passing of Joe Allen and the penetrating, sometimes brilliant, sometimes wayward through balls of Gerrard just isn’t working as a combination. At this rate Everton might, just might, win a Derby match this year.

EDIT - following writing this it has emerged that a small pocket of Utd fans stayed behind after the match and sang anti-Hillsborough chants until they were cleared to exit. This is a sickening development to a day that started so well. They should be identified, banned for life and charged by a court of law. They are a disgrace to MUFC and a disgrace to football in general. Utd should be fined, docked points and made to play games behind closed doors. This cannot be allowed to happen and if I was Alex Ferguson I would refuse to play a match until these "fans" are identified and thrown out of football.

2. …and ultimately, points are everything.
If Utd can consider themselves lucky to be 2^nd in the league, the fact that Manchester City remain unbeaten looks almost criminal. They have been outplayed in every match this season and Sunday was no exception. A rampant, slick Arsenal side, led by the majestical Santi Carzola, tore into City during an opening 40 minutes when they could have led by three goals. As it was, Gervinho had one of those days and as it was left to the Arsenal centre back to salvage a point late on following Joleon Lescott’s undeserved opener. The league table doesn’t lie, but with the exception of Everton it currently provides scant reward for those who have played the best football this season. Arsenal have looked as good as anyone yet find themselves just a point ahead of Spurs and Newcastle, both of whom have been pretty dreadful. The turgid West Ham meanwhile, have twice as many points as Sunderland & Stoke; both of whom have looked solid and dependable and unlikely to concede too many goals. Points mean everything in this game though and whilst Liverpool have been poor, they have not been anywhere close to the second worst team in the division. Perhaps in another month or two things will start to even out a bit, but right now Utd, City and even Chelsea are there for the taking. The fact that nobody is managing to do that looks ominous.

3. Gervinho is not the new Kanu.
Lethal against the defensive might of Southampton, the talk in some quarters was that Gervinho was now ready to fulfil his potential and live up to his billing as the new Kanu. Not on Sunday’s evidence. In an otherwise near faultless Arsenal performance, the Ivorian had an absolute horror show. One first touch following a beautiful through ball which sent him free of the defence was so bad he should be fined two weeks wages on the spot. He followed that up with a mixture of falling over, failing to pick a pass or weaving around three players before blazing a shot high and wide over and over again. Gervinho can certainly dribble, but he has none of the effortless, almost poetic qualities of Kanu that made him such a joy to watch. Whereas Kanu looked like a sleek panther who sometimes couldn’t be bothered to hunt for his prey, Gervinho looks like a strange puppet who is being pulled in several different directions at once. His approach to finishing seems to just be hit it as hard as physically possible every time. Of course, he’s still capable of the odd moment of brilliance, but his selection over Walcott, contract wrangling’s aside, looks a touch perverse. And don’t even get me started on that hairline.

4. When will Alan Pardew get the call from the big guy downstairs?
There’s no denying that Pardew has assembled a fine team on a shoestring budget. If he could get Ba and Cisse scoring at the same time his Newcastle team could even finish in the top four. There is also no denying however, that the man IS the Anti-Christ. The way Pardew prowls a touchline, strokes his hair back and gazes menacingly into space all points to one thing. That he’s simply not human. Right now the question has to be asked whether there is a more detestable sight in football than the Pardew fist pump? It’s not just the mannerisms and the actions though, it’s the post-match interviews where Pardew has managed to invent an entirely new tense in which to speak in. He manages to mix a third person narrative arc in with an almost voyeuristic description of the way his team is performing. In one section of his post-match interview this weekend he used the words “they,” “we,” “I,” “them” and “us” all in the same speech to describe his own team. He then bore into the reporter and his eyes turned red. I’m not making this up folks. Still think he’s not waiting for a return to the underworld? Just watch this celebration and tell me this guy is all there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foq7RD0qnn4

5. John Terry will not be missed.
I can’t even be bothered to drag up old banter about JT. The news he has retired from International football is worthy enough to declare a national holiday. The most detestable football of my lifetime will play for my country no more. Given Jags & Cahill are better and Smalling & Jones the future, his “retirement” is no loss anyway. If Gerrard, Barry, Cole and Lampard can now all follow suit that would be lovely. I’ll leave you with this as a parting shot… last month JT was asked about England’s questionable ranking of 3^rd in the world. His response? “I think that’s fair. We have the players, it’s just up to us to prove it.” Few people have had a more inflated opinion of their own ability and importance than JT. And few players have managed to be so hated for just being themselves. John Terry is a sewer rat and I hope the FA through the book at him today. Not for being racist. But for just being John fucking Terry. Cheering for the national side again just got a whole lot easier.